[singing rug] [bump]
Craig: Whattup, Beardlovers? Hey, let's try to be better people by
understanding the things that other people like that
we don't like or don't understand
or do understand but want to learn more!
And today that thing is haul videos.
Speech impediment guy: What the quacks are haul videos, WheezyWaiter?
Craig: Oh, funny you should ask, me in the close-up.
Guy: Why is that funny?
Craig: It's not. Haul videos are when people had previously bought a bunch of stuff
and then they show you the stuff they bought and then...
That's it. I think. I can't make it to the end of a haul video.
[lullaby music] YouTuber: This is a desk lamp.
[lullaby music] Pretty self-explanatory.
Craig: And yet millions of people like them.
So today we're gonna figure out why people like them
and then I'm going to
[inspirational music] make my very own haul video.
Whaaaaat?
Crazy.
These are the days, people.
[new intro] [guitar] [eagle screeches] [punch]
[slurps coffee]
I have to stay awake for all these haul videos,
so I've ingested an unreasonable amount of coffee.
Wow! So, haul videos, as you may have not cared,
are mostly clothing for mainstream clothing emporiums, like
American Eagle Outfitters or Gadzooks.
I haven't been shopping for a while. Are those still around? ["*they're not"]
However, similar to skin growths, there are many different types of hauls.
There are really expensive hauls.
TTLYTeala: I got these Gucci sneakers
jeffreestar: These are all handmade in Italy
meet the vloggers: I want that one now
cuz I can see loads of diamonds.
Craig: Weird candy hauls.
YouTuber: You can see the ants from all angles.
I love how these little lollipops, like,
hook on to the side of the toilet.
This is gonna be super super sweet.
Craig: Grocery hauls.
Literally just groceries.
The Sensible Mom: Tyson, 100%. My oldest son likes to have this in his cereal.
Trader Joe's pepperoni...
... use these for just some quick lunches
or snack, also got a back of tater tops...
Craig: There's even U-Haul hauls.
News speaker: The LAPD in pursuit of this a u-haul truck.
Thankfully, that's more of a police chase,
but if you've ever been to a clearance sale at Gadzooks, uh-huh
it's just like that, am I right?
And there are many, many other types of hauls
and so far they all have the key feature
of boring me. [lullaby music]
Now, to be fair, in order to win over little ol' me,
haul videos have a lot stacked against them.
But if they can overcome,
they get the Wheezy Squeal of Approval TM at the end of this video,
stay tuned.
Besides being boring,
there are three other main reasons, I would assume I wouldn't like a haul video,
had I watched a whole
1) I assume they're often paid commercial endorsements that are not endorsed to me!
2), This is a big one,
I don't like shopping.
I don't even like having stuff,
except for food and beer painted glass Rambo.
Painted glass Rambo: Yo, agent, I'm Rambo.
Craig: That's from Rocky.
Painted glass Rambo: That's a spicy Rambo!
Craig: That's the one. Classic.
3) They excessively promote materialism rather than more-beer-alism.
You know what I'm saying? Mmm.
Unless there are beer hauls.
Let me check.
YouTuber: .. some American beer...
That beer looks as delicious as I am bored.
Mmm. Mmm! Wow, beer and coffee o not go well together.
[slurps beer and coffe separately]
Starting to like it. [slurps]
Don't like it anymore. [slurps]
I mean, there are coffee beers, but
that's not what this is.
I'm just gonna set it down over here within reach so I can keep drinking it.
So, why analyze haul videos when they're clearly not for me?
Well, I think Barbara Bush said it best:
I thought it'd be fun. Maybe it'll make me a better person or whatever.
Plus, I might as well do a haul video,
cuz I just bought a bunch of new clothes!
I know I said that I hate shopping.
And I super do, but the other day I was sitting around thinking about how my clothes
makes me feel as a person.
As you do when your wife makes you watch queer eye.
And I was like, dang!
It makes me feel awesome.
First of all, they're pretty much all t-shirts with dumb silly designs on them. Hot!
Secondly, they've pretty much all been given to me by somebody.
Or third, they're my own merch.
Hot!
And fourthly, it pretty much has not changed for the past five years.
Hot!
So, in summation, frugality
business-minded,
consistency with a bit of sass.
Yeah, my clothes were awesome
and my wife agrees.
Chyna: Like you've been in a coma since your early 20s.
Seriously, you're like a walking indie rock poster.
Craig: Oh, that's right. She extremely doesn't agree.
So I put my parents at the same table ater and
asked them about my wardrobe.
Craig's mom: F*ing terrible.
Craig's dad: Is that a wardrobe or a portfolio of a first-semester art student?
Craig's mom: Good one, butch!
Craig's dad: Thanks, hot stuff.
Craig: Ah, family.
They're who you got.
So yeah, it was time to go shopping.
All by myself with my wife who basically bought everything for me.
You know, I don't think it was gonna go that well,
but we were able to get security footage from the store and
it went better than I thought.
[suspense music]
Craig: Nooooooooo!
Chyna: Oh. Try this on?
Craig: OK.
And now I got this totally sweet new garb!
But how do I make a haul video out of it?
I guess, to figure it out, I should turn right to the source...
My own thoughts.
And right now I'm thinking about history.
Throughout the history of humanity,
one of the pillars of culture has always been
showing people the *shirt* you own.
Earily on in caveman days,
it was literally showing *shirt*.
Cave paintings were known to be made of bat excrement.
"Hey, cave bro. Check out my sweet *shirt*."
- "Is it sweet? You know that? Did you eat it?"
- "Uh, no?" - "You totally ate it."
- "... Yeah, I ate it."
And the cave paintings themselves arguably depicted people
showing stuff off.
"Check out my bow."
- "Check out my spear." - "Check out my D."
- "What?" - "Oh, I don't want to see that!" - "Dude. That's not-"
- "No, the letter D."
- "Oh!" - "Okay." - "That's actually a boat." - "Well, check out what's in my other hand."
- "What's that?" - "Someone's D."
- "Oh god!" - "As in dagger."
- "Whatever you want to call it, man."
Moving along in history, during the Middle Ages
people were constantly flaunting their wealth.
Just look at the paintings.
"Check out my ornate sash bristling upon my pelvis."
"Behold my elongated staff with pointy bits and luxurious
crown with more pointy bits."
"My drapery game's on point."
"Dang, this orb is bulbous."
"I have all the things!"
Then some stuff happened.
Then TV happened.
This gave us Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous,
Cribs, Antiques Roadshow and Oprah.
"Dang, this orb is bulbous."
Hey Oprah. You're welcome for the shout out.
And then there were entire shows just literally about people shopping.
And finally haul videos we see everywhere today.
Don't show that one!
Okay, so it seems throughout history,
we have always loved ogeling each other's crap.
But why?
Well, let's turn to another source to learn about haul videos.
Twitter.
"What do you like about haul videos?
Now that I like watch haul videos or whatever.
This is for a video I'm working on.
Sports rulez! *burps* [burps] As well as thoughtful documentaries full of substance,.
*polishes monocle*"
OK, now to learn why people straight up like them.
Jack Mellen: "I kind of straight up hate them.
It seems like hardcore consumerism in a way that is nauseous.
'Look at these dope ass products that /I/ have bought.'
'Let me show off to you'
And then he makes this face.
OK, maybe people being happy about their purchases
is something people don't like seeing.
VerdeBlu: "I like seeing people be happy about their purchases."
OK. Now I'm totally confused.
Nat Cuddy: "I like book haul videos because then I get to find out about so many more books."
OK. Yeah. Finding out about something you're interested in.
Who doesn't like that?
Oh wait.
I have the depression filter on.
Nat Cuddy: "I will never have time to read and
I have a valid reason to cry myself to sleep at night."
Now, OK, there it is.
Mark W. Gray: "Monicle haul, yo!"
Whoa, Mark, your interest is quite niche.
Are their monicle Haul videos?
YouTuber: This is a beautiful one. Look at that real good heavy weight.
[lullaby music] Monicles are great...
Craig: Jelly: "You get to discover products
you might not have known about, you get a sense of the person's personal taste,
it's fun to watch other people spend money
if it's a person who is much richer than me,
it's fun to see the ridiculous things rich people spend their money on."
Oh, I guess that sums it up very nicely.
Thank you for making my video irrelevant.
Though, @Jellypuffs,
your bio says that you're a sea witch
and that makes me very uncomfortable.
Because I don't know what that is.
Let's find out.
YouTubers: What's up, sea witches? So, today we...
YouTuber: ...some herbs in here, some salt...
Craig: It's a vial full of Beach stuff.
[suspense music] YouTuber: This is one thing I got.
And the rose from Beauty and the Beast...
Craig: So it's a bunch of witchery type stuff. That's interesting.
[lullaby music]
Thank You Twitterers.
Now, let's turn to another source.
YouTube. I'm gonna attempt to watch some of the most popular haulers.
[slurps coffee] [and beer] [then both at once
One of the first ones that comes up is Zoella - "[yells] HUGE summer Primark Haul".
This is exciting for me because I have no idea what Primark is.
Zoella: Hi everybody,
it's just started raining.
Well is this?
Craig: Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from
atmospheric water vapor and then becomes heavy enough
to fall under gravity.
Zoella: I really like to go to the Primark in Bristol,
I think it's the best one.
I'm gonna get straight into this, because there's quite a lot of stuff.
Three
of these.
Craig: How long is this? 24 minutes?
Huh? So for my next video,
let's see what top channels come up when I sort for popularity.
Bethany Mota. OK.
Bethany Mota: If you happen to see random flakes falling off of my lips throughout this video,
don't be alarmed,
it's just my matte lipstick. Cute.
Craig: Oh, I should have warned you guys about that, too - except for me
it's dried peanut butter and dead skin. Cute.
["Summer try-on clothing haul"]
Okay, nice upbeat music to help me get my swerve on.
I call that the bllbllblll. That's my dance move.
A-bllbllblll.
Bethany Mota: Leave a comment below telling me what is your favorite clothing store,
because I'm always trying to find a new one.
Craig: No one's mentioninh Gadzooks.
That's surprising.
Bethany Mota: Look at my room! She's really coming together.
It's not that much progress.
Craig: Get it together, woman!
Bethany Mota: Rompers are probably my favorite thing to wear in the summer.
Craig: I totally agree. I don't know what a romper is.
Bethany Mota: I love this
so much!
Craig: Her excitement about this romper
makes me excited about this romper.
Bethany Mota: It reminds me of a tablecloth but a
cute tablecloth, you know, it's like, it's tasteful.
Tastefully a tablecloth.
What am I saying?
Craig: Relatable!
Bethany Mota: Even on hot days. It shouldn't be too bad.
Although I do sweat a lot. So.
Craig: Relatable. [breathes heavily]
Bethany Mota: And I found this skort.
Craig: [laughs] Has a funny way to pronounce skirt.
Bethany Mota: I feel like you can't really tell in the back that it's a skort.
I feel like it just looks like a skirt.
Craig: Oh, okay. So it's like a combination?
Shorts, skirts. [mumbles] Mmh-hyeahmh.
Bethany Mota: So that is it for my summer clothing haul.
[lullaby music] I hope you enjoyed it.
Craig: All right, I get it. Upbeat music, fast paced editing,
a little tidbit about the thing she personally likes about each item.
I can see why people enjoy this kind of video that makes me super bored.
You might be surprised to learn
I'm just not a woman's clothing kind of guy when I'm sober.
Still, she's good at this. It's a shame she only has 10 million subscribers.
Come on, guys. That's barely more than the population of Sweden.
Come on, guys. Give her some.
All right, let's step away from haul videos and now turn to the best source.
My wife.
What do you think about haul videos?
Chyna: I guess I don't really seek them out
unless I'm looking for reviews of something that I plan on buying anyway.
But in those instances, I really like them.
Craig: Okay, so maybe we haven't been very fair.
Maybe I should search for a haul video about something that I am interested in.
Already tried beer and monicles and
U-Haul stealing, which I admit kinda won me over.
Movies! Search for movie hauls.
Chris Stuckman, okay,
this is a movie reviewer that I like and he made a haul video
of every single blu-ray that he owns and it's 48 minutes long, okay.
Let's watch it.
Chris Stuckman: You guys have been really requesting me to do more of it.
This is gonna be so long!
How do you expect me to do this?
Craig: He understands my plaint.
Chris Stuckman: 10 Things I Hate About You,
one of my favorite romantic comedies.
Craig: I like that movie, too.
Chris Stuckman: 12 Angry Men.
Craig: Really good movie.
Chris Stuckman: 50/50, a very funny film.
Craig: I love it! Good movie!
Chris Stuckman: 500 days of summer.
Craig: Never saw, it but I've been meaning to.
You know, you can rent a blu-ray for like 2 bucks.
But I am getting the feeling of owning a blu-ray by watching him
own a blu-ray and it's kind of satisfying and
I can't stop watching oh my god, I get it!
["Also sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss]
["Also sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss] [slow motion yelling]
["Also sprach Zarathustra" by Strauss]
I think it's time. I'm ready to make a haul video myself.
Right after I do a big number one.
["One hour later"] [toilet flushes]
Hey guys, wait is the sun shining in my room?
What is this?
Just a warning if you notice any flakes falling from my face,
that's just petrified salsa and bits of wine cork,
because I open wine bottles
haphazardly and I eat salsa like a lioness taking down a gazelle.
Cute.
[sings] Haul video intro that's nothing like Bethany Mota haul intro, yeah!
Bethany Mota: Guys...
Craig: Welcome to my summer haul video, you guys.
I just want to apologize the room isn't fully put together.
There's only one reading-lamp on my wife's side
because I don't know how to read. Relatable.
So, today's wardrobe is about affirmation, growing up
and having shirts that don't say "look at my front, I'm quirky".
First of all, I got this elegant striped red shirt.
It's a color I stopped wearing ever since the Red Scare of the 1950s.
But now that Russia isn't in the news anymore,
let's try it on.
Red shirt fits perfectly around the body good contour for the moobs in the melly,
convenient pocket for a place to rest your hand and touch your moob at the same time.
Tehe.
If you don't like the red shirt, you're just messed up in the head shirt.
And here's a black striped shirt, which is interesting
because it's the red shirt
but black.
Everything I said before, but black. Tehe.
Plaid blue button-up, now
I already have shirts like this,
but as the saying goes if you find something average,
eh.
Want to be super rad then be super plaid.
Wear it buttoned up with your hands in your pockets
like a lumberjack on break with cold hands
or unbuttoned and stand next to a fan and gaze off in the distance
like a lumberjack trying to read a billboard.
So bad, so plaid.
And for the warm times I got some long sleavers.
Allow me to for-warm you with this informal forearm fabric.
The black ones has all the benefits of a long sleeve shirt
plus nothing else. That's exactly what it is.
The green one has some stripes across the middle
in case a game of polo breaks out in somewhat chilly weather.
This white and gray beauty makes it look like you got robot arms
like Cable from x-men.
But way less muscle.
If you act now,
you can get the muscley version for the low low price of
working out a lot.
And as a mild
appreciator of the band at The Shins,
I got some shorts.
Time to unshun those shaggy shins with shorts.
As a man with little hair on the top of his head,
it's always good to show that you got lots of hair somewhere.
That's appropriate to show publicly.
This gray pair is of supremely standard variety.
Not so short to look like Sean Connery's diaper and Zardoz,
but not so long to look like Kevin Smith
squeegeeing the windows off an SUV.
Any shorts happen to have an added sex appeal because
They're not wearing the underwear. [sexy music]
Ooh. And of course the green pair to avoid grass stains
should I fall asleep in the lawn after a hard game of polo.
Both pairs would be really useful if you're feeling out of shorts lately.
And it should be expected if you damage my property on a
hot day, I'll see you in shorts!
So that's my wardrobe that I picked out all by my wife.
And I'm looking forward to me seeing it for the next 5, 10,
20 years. Stay clothed, everybody.
Unless you're a streaker.
But then you may want to have a friend bring a bag of clothes
in case you get away from the cops.
Okay, pretty sure I know why people like haul videos.
Wish I could sum it up with one simple answer, but
[sighs]
people are complicated.
1) People are interested in specific products, clothes, books, movies,
weird stuff, Rambo art.
Painted glass Rambo: Get ready to rumbllllleeee!
Craig: Nope. That's not from Rambo.
Painted glass Rambo: You are the one I want! - You are the one I want!
Oooh-hooo-hoo! Rambo!
Craig: That's the one.
2) Interest in the person. They're funny
or smart or fluffy, purple.
I got lost in adjectives.
3) Living vicariously.
The feeling of buying something expensive without having to buy it.
Or something weird or
regular groceries.
And 4) I guess watching people make bad choices.
You like seeing people be dumb.
I guess. Like me.
["random rail video"]: Get over the wall. [screams]
Craig: Ooh! I enjoyed that.
So, in conclusion,
I think I truly do understand the appeal of haul videos
better than I did before.
Sure, they're often just paid commercial
endorsements a lazy
excuse for content when you don't know what else to do
or imply the human worth is based on the stuff you have rather than
the content of your character
or they're just super boring, but
um.
Oh yeah, the movie one. I liked the movie one.
It made me feel good.
So, which throws the whole thing into question.
I give haul videos the Wheezy Squal of Approval TM.
[imitates pig noises]
So if there's something people like and you have no idea why,
let me know in the comments and maybe I will choose that for
the next video I can blather on about
and figure out why they like it.
There's a new Patreon perk.
It's a big one.
I'm doing a daily vlog every weekday
that only patrons can see except for Mondays.
That's right, a secret daily vlog.
You can't make this stuff up.
Well, you could easily.
I hope we all learn to like something and if not [fart noises].
Craig's mom: Who the hell is treon
and why the hell do I have to pay him anything?
Craig's dad: Go Patriots!
[subtitles by the Wheezy Waiter Wiki team]