THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW" BANDS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LOUIS, TONIGHT, TWO TREMENDOUS WOMEN ON THE SHOW.
COMING UP IN A LITTLE BIT WE HAVE RILEY KEOUGH WHO IS IN THE
SERIES "DAISY JONES & THE SIX." BEFORE THAT, WE HAVE TRULY A
WORLD TREASURE, MICHELLE YEOH IS HERE FROM "EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE
ALL AT ONCE." A LIFETIME OF ACHIEVEMENT.
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME IN THE OLD NEWS WORKSHOP,
HAND-SHAPING THE FINEST STORY MAHOGANY INTO AN ELEGANT,
CONTINUOUS CURVED FRAME WITH TAPERED LEGS, THEN ADDING
THE MOST TOPICAL GOOSE DOWN CASED CUSHION SO THAT YOU MAY
LOUNGE ON THE EXQUISITE 18TH CENTURY HEPPLEWHITE BOWBACK
SETTEE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, WHILE FLEEING
THROUGH THE DOCKS AFTER PUNCHING A POLICE HORSE, I RIP A DIRTY
TARP OFF AN ABANDONED BOAT AND JAM THE CORNERS INTO SOME
LAMP POSTS WITH A RUSTY BUTTER KNIFE AND AN OLD RAIL SPIKE,
THEN NOD OFF IN THE FILTHY DRIFTER'S HAMMOCK OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE."
THAT'S THE ONLY HAMMOCK I NEED. MEANWHILE, IN ROYAL HAUNTINGS
NEWS, AFTER THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND PASSED AWAY, THE DUCHESS
OF YORK, SARAH FERGUSON, ADOPTED HER BELOVED DOGS.
AND NOW, SHE SAYS THAT QUEEN ELIZABETH'S GHOST MAKES
HER CORGIS BARK, CLAIMING, "WHEN THEY BARK AT NOTHING,
AND THERE'S NO SQUIRRELS IN SIGHT, I BELIEVE IT'S BECAUSE
THE QUEEN IS PASSING BY." POSSIBLY.
OR, HEAR ME OUT. IT'S THE GHOST OF A SQUIRREL.
EITHER ONE. MEANWHILE.
MICHAEL B. JORDAN APOLOGIZED TO HIS MOM
FOR HIS SEXY NEW CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR ADS," SAYING
"BEFORE THE STEAMY PHOTOS DROPPED, I WAS LIKE, MY MAMA'S
GONNA HAVE TO SEE THIS. I'M SORRY.
IT'S OUT HERE. I'VE GOT MY BUSINESS ALL OUT IN
THE STREETS. LITERALLY."
I CAN TOTALLY RELATE. I HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO MY
ENTIRE FAMILY WHEN THEY RELEASED MY ADS FOR FOR "EUROSAUSAGE
SWIM SLINGS." MEANWHILE, AFTER A ROBBERY IN
PHILADELPHIA, A U-HAUL VAN TOOK PHILLY POLICE ON A CHASE THAT
HIT SPEEDS AS HIGH AS 90 MILES PER HOUR.
90. NOW WE KNOW WHAT "U"
WAS HAULING: ASS.
MEANWHILE, AN INTERNATIONAL ARCHEOLOGICAL MISSION HAS
UNCOVERED THE REMNANTS OF WHAT IS BELIEVED TO BE
A 5,000-YEAR-OLD RESTAURANT IN SOUTHERN IRAQ.
RESEARCHERS IDENTIFIED IT AS AN ANCIENT RESTAURANT WHEN THEY
FOUND THE REMAINS OF A BARTENDER DOING COKE BY THE DUMPSTER.
SOMEBODY. I'VE WORKED IN A LOT OF
RESTAURANTS. SOMEBODY IS DOING COKE BY THE
DUMPSTER. MEANWHILE, AS I HAVE NOT
PREVIOUSLY REPORTED, FLACO THE OWL ESCAPED FROM THE
CENTRAL PARK ZOO LAST MONTH, WORRYING HIS KEEPERS, BUT
THEY NOW SAY HE'S DOING WELL LIVING IN CENTRAL PARK AND
"HUNTING THE CITY'S PLENTIFUL SUPPLY OF RATS."
ALTHOUGH. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
THESE ARE NEW YORK CITY RATS, SO FLACO HAS TO BRING
THEM DOWN WITH A 50 CAL BUSHMASTER.
MEANWHILE, A CHINESE TECH INVENTOR
HAS ROLLED OUT A NEW KISSING DEVICE THAT ALLOWS MONOGAMOUS
LOVERS SEPARATED BY LONG DISTANCE TO VIRTUALLY SMOOCH
USING SILICON LIPS. THE DEVICE HAS ONLY JUST BEEN
RELEASED, AND I'M BEING TOLD SOMEONE'S ALREADY GOTTEN THEIR
PENIS STUCK IN IT. VERY UPSETTING.
VERY UPSETTING IMAGE.
THE DEVICE IS CALLED: "REMOTE KISS."
BECAUSE IT'S NOT REMOTELY A KISS.
MEANWHILE, A TODDLER RATTED OUT A FUGITIVE'S LOCATION TO
KENTUCKY COPS. NOT A GREAT STORY
FOR THE PRISON YARD. "HOW'D YA GET CAUGHT?"
"METH DEAL WENT SOUTH AND MY CREW TURNED ON ME.
YOU?" "BRAYDEN WAS MAD 'CAUSE I
LIMITED HIS SCREEN TIME." HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
POLICE WERE LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WITH MULTIPLE WARRANTS.
THEY BROKE INTO A LIVING ROOM FULL OF GROWN UPS WHO REFUSED TO
SAY ANYTHING, BUT SUDDENLY THE TODDLER STOOD UP AND SAID
"SHE IS INSIDE THE ROOM NEXT TO THE BATHROOM!"
AND "IT IS GOOD TO BE HONEST. WE SHOULDN'T LIE."
[APPLAUSE] CLEARLY SOMEONE HASN'T READ
THE CLASSIC CHILDREN'S BOOK "WHERE THE SNITCHES
GET STITCHES." MEANWHILE, FRESHLY TWICE-RETIRED
QUARTERBACK TOM BRADY IS RUMORED TO BE CONSIDERING "A NEW CAREER
IN STAND-UP COMEDY," WITH ONE INSIDER CLAIMING BRADY
"DOES A GREAT IMPERSONATION OF FORMER TEAMMATE
ROB GRONKOWSKI." THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, SO DOES
A CINDERBLOCK. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MICHELLE YEOH.