[MODEM NOISE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SHANE SMITH: When I was a kid, I always want to take the
Trans-Siberian because it seemed so far away, and
romantic, and freaky.
I imagined Tartars and Mongolians cooking in their
cabins and trading with Turkmen and Uyghurs for rare
and delicate silks.
But instead what I got was trees, lots of trees,
interspersed with rotten industrial wastelands and
peppered with some failed Stalinist industry--
and then, of course, more and more trees.
It ended up being stultifyingly boring.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I guess this is pretty romantic.
She's nice.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: She's got some cucumbers.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: OK.
GENNADY YUSHA: My friend.
SHANE SMITH: We're in [INAUDIBLE]
in the middle of fucking nowhere.
We've been on the train for about 12 hours.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
[LAUGH]
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON: OK.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: OK.
GENNADY YUSHA: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: This is where we've been staying for the
past day and a half.
It's very smelly.
Now the problem with these impossibly long distances in
Siberia is that there's nothing to do on
the train but drink.
But your sleeping compartment is so fucking hot that you
have to drink in the dining car.
This dining car-- this was how the dining cars were in the
'50s, and '30s, and '40s on the Trans-Siberian Express.
It's pretty great.
First of all, you come into the oasis.
You've got some 3D, holographic unicorns.
We've got a rearing stallion--
quite virile.
And over here you're got vodka.
This is just booze, basically.
Here we've got our lady--
hello, can we look at your thing?
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: OK.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Hi America.
SHANE SMITH: And over here it's a very important dials.
This guy here likes to drink with us.
He's a good vibe.
Look who's come?
We're in luck.
This is our translator.
He was born here in Russia.
They lived in North Korea until his mom
said, this is terrible--
came back to Russia.
He's been living in Russia ever since.
He's going to translate for us.
And then hopefully we'll get it all right.
Now I love the dining cars on the Trans-Siberian.
The only problem is that there's Russians there getting
drunk as well.
Oh shit.
Hello.
MALE SPEAKER 1: Hello.
SHANE SMITH: How are you?
Are you OK?
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: This guy's buddy just got arrested by the cops
for smashing some shit up.
They're very drunk.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: --as opposed to us.
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Now we've got crazy dude here.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: That's for you, here.
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [LAUGH]
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: It's a very good thing I've taken a Xanax.
Otherwise I'd be a bit worried about our 17-year-old friend.
Cheers.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: The interim between sort of mildly,
friendly drunk and psychopathically
pull-your-eyeball-out drunk--
there's this sort of level of, like, I hate your fucking
guts, no, you're OK, we're buddies, were
buddies, were buddies--
I want to kill you.
So you've got to stay somewhere in this gauge.
Do they think that you're a bit of a pussy for not being a
Russian tough guy?
SIMON OSTROVSKY: They hate me, essentially.
SHANE SMITH: [LAUGH]
Oh shit.
We're in the tunnels.
I'm tickling the birdie.
SIMON OSTROVSKY: No, you can't touch me there for a dollar.
SHANE SMITH: Hello.
MALE SPEAKER 1: Vice, Vice.
SHANE SMITH: Vice.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: He wants to trade your ring for something.
SHANE SMITH: No.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: That's my marriage-- my wife.
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 2: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: He doesn't remember which of his hands is
the left or the right.
SHANE SMITH: I like our Korean guy.
As all this madness is going on--
chaos, and everyone is drunk.
And I look over at our Korean guy just sort of serenely
eating his mayonnaise.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON: People are turning into animals.
SHANE SMITH: Things are devolving.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Everyone's up in everybody's shit.
And you're like, I got an idea.
We're having a few drinks.
And meanwhile you've got these fucking thugs here with their
prison fucking hand tattoos.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: [LAUGH]
SHANE SMITH: [LAUGH]
MALE SPEAKER 2: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Oh for fuck's sake.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: How about everyone chill out, and we'll
have a nice drink and look at the countryside.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Is that too much to ask?
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Can we not have some sanity?
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Hello.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Here come the cops.
Let's see if the 14-year-old, five-foot-tall cop is going to
get rid of the drunk guy.
Being totally wasted is so prevalent that they have
special booze police whose only job it is to throw drunks
off at the nearest station if they get too
blind drunk or murder-y.
[TRAIN BRAKES]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 3: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]