I got a dick pick recently.
I know.
You never get a dick pick when you're expecting one.
(audience laughing)
It's never like you're checking your inbox,
like where the hell is that cock?
It was supposed to be here four have hours ago.
(hip hop music)
Maybe only me does this,
but I like to look at people's Facebook pages regularly
and just judge the dumb shit they post on Facebook
because it makes me feel like a better person.
What I've been doing lately is
I'll just take a picture of someone status
and then I mail it out to my other friends.
I'm like, look what this dickhead just put on Facebook
and then I go back to bed.
I'm like, I've judged someone,
I think I've done enough for the day.
(audience laughing)
I think a lot of people don't know what Facebook is,
I think that's the problem.
I think some people think that Facebook
is some sort of a God
that you tell your darkest secrets to every hour.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
They're like, finally I found an all encompassing space
so I can litter my most confusing and personal thoughts
through out the day.
(audience laughing)
It's never the people you think either.
I became friends with my accountant.
He seems like a reasonable man.
I've been looking at his statuses
and I think he's in a real dark place right now.
(audience laughing)
His last status was just, I've never felt so alone
and furious in my entire life.
I'm like, Jesus Christ, Russel.
Are you sure you can handle my 2015 returns?
(audience laughing)
Then a few hours later there'll be
a picture of some pasta that he ate.
I'm like, okay, he's stabilized.
Thank God.
(audience laughing)
I think a lot of people really think
that they're gifting people
with their daily Facebook thoughts.
They really think they're stepping up onto
some sort of Facebook balcony
just dolling this brilliance out to all the peasants
like they're some sort of a lord.
Like here you are, you're welcome peasants.
(audience laughing)
Now you know how to think.
I'll lead you.
It's always some pointless bullshit too.
There's this one guy and his Facebook statuses infuriate me.
His last status, he just wrote, we need to put an end
to genocide once and for all, people.
(audience laughing)
That's what he gave us.
I'm like, thank you so much
for your controversial stance on genocide.
I was staunchly pro genocide
before I read your shattering Facebook expose.
(audience laughing)
He has no idea I'm in this rage cycle
with his Facebook page.
Every morning I get up,
I don't even remember how I know him.
I think we might have worked at a pizza place together
when I was like, 15.
Now literally every morning I leap to his page
before even brushing my teeth.
I'm like, what the fuck is it now, Kevin?
(audience laughing)
I just broke up with this guy recently, it's probably good.
We would fight a lot.
One of our big fights was he would get mad at me
'cause I like to joke immediately after sex.
I just feel like it's a good time for some jokes.
I don't think there needs to be
any gentle gazing period after sex.
I don't like to do any soft gazing.
I just feel like sex is done and now it's joke time.
(audience laughing)
I like to throw change on a man after sex,
that's very funny to me personally.
(audience laughing)
I just like to take some coins and toss them
on his dumb, naked post sex man body
and say something like, less is more outta you.
You take those coins and you keep your mouth shut
about what's happened in this room, all right?
Because what happened right here is disgusting.
(audience laughing)
You should go out and buy yourself something special
because you're beautiful.
I also like to pretend like the guy tricked me into the sex.
(audience laughing)
Like the moment it's done, I'm just slowly realizing
it's all been a big ruse.
I'm kind of obsessed with those old films from the 40s,
so the moment sex is done I like to be like,
well I don't understand what that all had to do
with helping the children.
(audience laughing)
You said if we did all them awful things
those children would get their cure for polio.
(audience laughing)
It was all a lie, wasn't it?
Those children are no better
for the Godless things I've done in this room, are they?
It was a big lie and now look at me laying here
all covered in sin.
(audience laughing)
I just feel like the right guy
is gonna be like, hey listen up sugar tits.
Those children never had a Goddamn chance.
(audience laughing)
They are mangled with polio as we speak.
(audience laughing)
Now clean yourself up for Christ's sake.
I'm a very lazy person,
I don't know if any of you guys are lazy?
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
I am, I wake up around 12:00 or 1:00
and I still feel as if I can't quite hurl myself
immediately into the day.
I try to do something slow that establishes confidence
like I'll watch The Fabulous Life of 50 Cent.
(audience laughing)
The other day I Was laying around the house
and I found one of many roommate's pornos.
It was really weird.
It was actually called Deep Inside Rachel's Rear.
(audience laughing)
That's right.
It was very confusing for me
not just because my name's Rachel,
but there's almost something a little too enchanting
about that title.
(audience laughing)
It sounds like the beginning
of an old Welsh children's novel.
Deep inside Rachel's rear in a land far away.
Where there are plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in.
(audience laughing)
And wonderment around every corner.
The thing with me and porno is I don't get offended by porn,
I just have a hard time getting lost in it
the way I can in some other feature films.
(audience laughing)
The women always seem very annoyed to me in most pornos.
They make the same noises I make
when I have to move furniture.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Like, oh God, oh, come on.
Give it to me, oh.
You can put it anywhere, go ahead.
(audience laughing)
It's okay if you stain, it's used.
(audience laughing)
Or when they do this thing,
they always look back at the guy.
Like all of a sudden they're having second thoughts.
(audience laughing)
I find that very confusing.
They always act like they're a little angry,
maybe a little resentful someone's screwing them.
Like oh yeah, huh?
You gonna (beep) it?
Yeah.
I got a dick pick recently.
I know.
You never get a dick pick when you're expecting one.
(audience laughing)
it's never like you're checking your inbox.
Like where the hell is that cock?
It was supposed to be here four hours ago.
(audience laughing)
That's why dick picks are hilarious.
They're just very jarring.
Just this rogue dick in the middle of your day.
It's foolish.
(audience laughing)
I was just looking at a beautiful tree
and then I saw it come in.
I'm like, oh dear, there's a cock.
It just snaps you back into things.
(audience laughing)
I think they're hilarious
because they're just so unnecessary.
We already know the dick is there
if we choose to call upon it.
We don't need a dirty little reminder.
(audience laughing)
Guys always look very stern for some reason
whenever they send dick picks, they get very serious.
(audience laughing)
I don't know why you have to look like a principle
while you're holding your dumb dick.
(audience laughing)
That tool was just standing there
just really letting me know I was in trouble.
(audience laughing)
It's different for you guys.
If you get a picture of a naked woman, that's exciting.
It means something important.
It means that you might be inside of her soon.
It's good news.
(audience laughing)
But we already know that dick is there,
it's always just littered about.
(audience laughing)
The street is littered with dicks.
That's what I'm gonna call this special, by the way,
just the street is littered with dicks.
(audience laughing)
Dick isn't important.
That's why you can never use dick as an excuse.
If you called up your friend
and you were late to his birthday dinner or something
you could be like, dude, I'm really sorry I'm late
but I think I'm gonna get some pussy
and he would understand.
If I called up my friend
on some important occasion in her life
some moment that she needed me to be there for her
(audience laughing)
and I was like listen,
I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it tonight.
It looks like I might be able to get my hands on some dick.
(audience laughing)
She would be like, the street is littered with dicks.
(audience laughing)
(hip hop music)
(audience applauding)