'That's just a small portion of the torture that awaits you.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
'But why are you wasting your time on horror stories?'
Bloody Pit of Horror opens with the execution of the Crimson Executioner
'You showed no mercy to your victims and no mercy will be shown to you'
a medieval madman who tortured people to death
'I'll return and be avenged'
So we know how this is going to go.
'Arrrrrgh!'
Centuries later a group of beautiful women
'I'm not just a dumb blonde you know'
and some men
'I'm just like a father to your girls'
arrive at the Executioner's castle looking for a place to shoot some horrror themed glamour pictures
No one answers the door, so of course
'Maybe one of the boys could scale that wall'
it's what we all do in those circumstances. Owner's popped out to the shops? Kick in a window
'You'd have to be a creep to live in a place like this.'
The creep in question, a retired actor in a striking floral dressing gown...
allows them to stay and take their pictures
They're allowed to stay on one condition.
'Don't go near the dungeons, they're absolutely out of bounds for everybody'
which they immediately break
along with the seal on the executioner's tomb
'And only a seal has protected mankind from his supernatural powers'
and as long as you're trespassing in the torture chamber you were told to keep out of,
you might as well have sex down there.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
'You idiot!'
Now the executioner's revenge begins.
'Here we go.'
'Arrrrgh!
BARRY!
Oh no!'
Although, part of the blame for that one rests on the people
who thought it was a good idea to use an antique torture device for a photo shoot
'A most appalling accident'
With three dead already, it's probably time to leave
'I know, but it's impossible to leave with things as they are'
Why?
This guy goes for the police
It doesn't go well, but still I don't understand why they don't leave.
Open the door! Let us out.'
the door's locked
Have you noticed the windows, they're all barred'
The windows are barred.
not all of them of course, but you know, hunting around for an unbarred one is a bit of a faff,
much easier to just wait for death
Watch out Rick.'
Okay, this took a weird turn
'These wires are connected to the bows on the wall.'
The slightest touch will release arrows in every direction and anyone nearby will be killed.'
I'm sorry, did the Crimson Executioner leave the manual for you to read?
I think he mixed up his spider and crab model kits when he put this together.
No it's hopeless!
Heroic Rick springs into action.
nothing more thrilling than watching a portly middle-aged man wriggling on the floor
'Rick your jacket is caught'
Oh no! Thwarted by his own cardigan.
but he reaches the other side and
'what a horrible death, I've got to get her down from here.'
Well that was a waste of time, and how does he get out?
If you'd done that on the way in, you could have saved her.
But now there's a shock.
'The Day of the Crimson Executioner has now come'
Yes, don't let the dressing gown fool you,
the retired actor has taken up the mantle of the long dead executioner
'Mankind is made up of inferior creatures,
spirtually and physically deformed who would have corrupted the harmony of my perfect body.'
Driven by his own narcissism to kill the impure
'Now you'll be punished for your lechery'
Certainly there's nothing impure about the punishments he chooses,
the wet hot-pants creator
The spread-eagled sex noise encourager
and the dreaded bra removal machine.
I'm tempted to say the executioner's motives, aren't entirely pure
'He's always been a little strange.'
And nor are the moviemakers.
'That's no concern of mine
'Having failed earlier, can Rick save the 3 remaining girls?
Not quite sure what killed her but you're now 0 for 2
She just sacrificed herself to save you!
'It was terrible'
I'm not we can call 1 out of 4 a win, and when you factor in the men as well,
it seems like the Executioner came out on top
'the body of the crimson executioner......'
although perhaps not as actor
'I won't write any more horror stories'
well at least some good's come out of it.
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The Pervy executioner is less pure than his victims, let us know anyone other hypocrite movie killers.
Let me go...'