Hi, David.
Hi.
So this is your 25th time on the show.
Did you know that?
I did not know that.
Not bad, feels like the 23rd.
You may be the winner.
Has anybody been on more than David?
I think he's a winner.
Kym Douglas has been on more than you.
All right, well you don't have to know it
right off the top of your head.
Yeah, yeah, but remember when you were--
look how young we were.
This is 2004 when we were--
Oh that one, yeah.
Was that the first time?
Yeah, that was the first time.
I love it.
That's our first year.
We look kind of the same, right?
We're doing all right.
Yeah, our hair was always pretty much the same.
Yeah, it's had it's--
It's veered off a little bit.
Cause you've changed your hair.
And I've changed mine.
But we used to have the same hair all the time.
Yours sort of inched up along the way.
But mine's staying long.
I'm starting to cling into my--
in the 90s, whatever I'm doing.
Are you still doing that?
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, well you look good.
Thank you, hon.
Good to see you again.
I saw you over the summer.
Always good to see you.
You know, I saw--
this little one was doing stand up.
And she hadn't done it in so long.
And I wanted, of course, to watch.
And so I went and watched.
And you're so good.
And that was really in the early stages.
You were really polished and smooth.
And then it just got better and better.
And then you went and taped your special.
When is out, December?
December 18th, it comes out.
Oh, Netflix.
That's going to be great.
So fun.
It turned out really well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well and you, mister, you could get
nominated for a Grammy for your audio book.
So that would be pretty cool.
Yeah, that would be really great.
Because I'm trying to go for that whole EGOT.
Are you?
So how many do--
I don't have any yet.
You don't have anything yet.
I have an Emmy nomination.
Uh-huh.
That's it, I guess.
OK, so if you get this, you'd have the G of the EGOT.
Yes, I would.
And I have a participation award for being in the movies.
So I don't know if that counts.
It's not an Oscar, really.
Is there a participation award that I don't know about?
My mom told me about it.
I think she was making me feel good.
It's on the fridge.
Oh, OK, well isn't that sweet of your mom.
Yeah, it is.
In the audio book, you talk about a lot of things.
You talk about-- you get a lot of physicals.
Because you do a lot of movies.
I do.
I'm falling apart.
And I go to the doctor a lot.
And not just for normal things.
Oh, here's a little inside Hollywood.
Whenever you do a movie or a TV show,
you have to get a physical, so they don't get sued.
They have to make sure you're OK and for insurance.
So I've done so many.
When I did that old movie Grownups,
I porked up a little bit.
And I didn't know it.
Because I always weighed like 140 all my life, right?
So after the age of 30 you just stop checking, you know?
I'm a guy.
I'm not on the scale every day.
I sort of get how much I weigh.
So I go in.
And first I call the doctor.
I try to get out of it.
Because it's always such a handshake, BS deal.
I go, hey, can I just do this physical on the phone?
And he goes, no, I'd like you to come in.
And I go, all right.
Adam's not going to like this.
I throw in Adam Sandler's name a lot just to scare him.
And it doesn't work.
Even at Taco Bell, I'm like, oh, you don't have a Chalupa?
Adam's not going to like this.
It doesn't seem to get him all quaking in their boots.
So I go in.
And he goes, blah, blah.
And then he goes, how much you weigh, bud?
I go, eh, I'm always cruising around 140.
He goes, 140?
I go, what's that look?
And he goes, eh, not buying it.
And I go, oh.
And he goes, why don't we have you jump on the scale,
make an honest man of you?
I go, I was kidding earlier.
But Adam's not going to like this.
This is too far, you know?
So I go, and if you've ever been, that's so horrifying.
So I go over to this scale, which
is that old doctor, stick scale, with a stick on top.
And that's got the little cinder blocks-- gadeesh--
for 50, 100, and then the little one pounder on top.
So I go, I'll do it for you, bud.
OK, gadoosh.
I put this one on 100 and the little tiny one, I go 145.
I pigged out, cause you say I'm such a fat ox.
So I go get on it.
And when I get on it, I try to go really light.
I go, hey, you know?
I mean, I make the eyebrows up, everything up.
And this thing goes, kang!
[INAUDIBLE]
And I go, all right, OK, step off.
I go, all right, I put on a few.
All right, here we go.
And then I go, gadeesh.
I put the little square on 150.
And this one, I put on zero.
And then I go, all right, I'm 150.
Now I'm getting nervous.
So I go, all right wait, shoes off.
You know, I get serious about it, socks, socks, keys, watch,
Rolex, hair, hat, everything.
Well I'm like, all right, I have a lot of hair spray in my hair.
Write that down.
And then I go, [INAUDIBLE].
I go light again.
And then it goes, kang.
And then the humiliation leans over my face, [INAUDIBLE]..
I'm like, my god.
[INAUDIBLE]
I go, all right, it moved.
It moved.
We're good.
And then he goes, 165.
I go, 165?
I put on 25 pounds of mystery weight somewhere in my body?
And he goes, yeah, Adam is not going to like this.
[INAUDIBLE]
That's fantastic.
I don't remember ever seeing you--
I was a little porky.
When you were on the sh--
were y--
A little squishy.
Maybe you stayed away for that time.
I stayed away from you.
I stayed away from some people.
But once I found out, then I was going to the set.
And then I see Chris Rock.
And I go, can you believe I have 25 pounds of mystery weight
now?
And he goes, yeah.
You can believe?
He goes, well you were getting in a Val Kilmer area
there for a minute.
I go, what?
When he's on the beach in the wetsuit?
And he goes, everyone's whispering.
Not my friend.
He's more of like a work friend.
Yeah, I see.
I see.