To trust someone, we need a couple of things to understand.
We need to understand that we have faith and fear
operating at the same time.
And that is why it's so difficult to trust someone
and to even sometimes trust ourselves.
Let me explain.
So when I meet you and I decide that I
want to have a relationship with you
and you decide that you want to have a relationship with me,
we are assuming that the relationship is going
to be one that is reciprocal.
And so we have faith and we have hope.
We have this assumption that the relationship
that we're going to have is going
to be beneficial to both of us.
It could be a business agreement.
It could be a partnership, spousal relationship,
boyfriend girlfriend relationship, friendship,
whatever.
We just understand and we have hope and we have faith
and we have this assumption that everything
is going to work out fine.
Mixed with this faith and hope and these assumptions
for everything wonderful are also my fears and also
your fears.
We've all been wounded.
We all have suffered to one point or another.
And so developing faith and developing
trust in a relationship also has to deal with my vulnerabilities
and my fears.
And that's why developing trust in a relationship
is so complex.
In addition to trust being such a major thing,
our ability to do so is highly unconscious.
Our ability to trust one another it
goes back to how well we were able to secure attachments
with our caretakers.
If I have a secure attachment to my mother,
then I'm able to trust that I am enough.
My mother has done a well enough job
to make me feel like my knees were important.
And now, I can feel this trust that I
am a viable valid human being, and whatever
it is that I am is worthy enough for this other, mother, usually
outside of me to nurture me and to meet my needs.
When we are born to people who have their own anxious stuff
going on, they have their own attachment stuff going on,
they might be alcoholics, they might
be suffering some mental health issue,
maybe they are severely co-dependent.
And they don't realize.
When we are born to people who are dysfunctional who
are living below the veil of consciousness,
it doesn't mean that they are intentionally harming us,
right?
I think that many parents harm their children unintentionally.
Myself included.
I'm raising my hand.
Can I get an amen?
It was me.
I didn't intentionally set out to hurt my children.
But I hurt my children.
I was below the veil of consciousness.
I wasn't as present as I could have or should have been.
I did not meet the demands of my children
as often and as consistently as I should have,
because I was absorbed in my own head.
OK?
I didn't do it intentionally.
However, I acknowledge and I will forever
try to undo what has been done as it relates to my children
because I know that my unconsciousness hurt them.
So do my children and have my children
had have they struggled with trusty people?
Of course, they have.
Why?
How could it be any other way?
And so it was for me.
It was difficult to trust people.
Because I learned very early on to not trust people.
To trust that I was not worthy of being validated.
To trust that it was not safe to be made.
To trust that it was not safe to express my emotions.
And so I did not develop the faith and the hope.
I did not assume relationships were going
to be beautiful and reciprocal.
In fact, I remember going enter into high school
thinking I'm just going to get through these four years.
I'm not going to talk to anybody.
I'm going to move to Manhattan.
I'm going to get some clerical job.
I'm going to have cats.
And that's going to be my life.
Like seriously, if that's your life,
there's nothing wrong with that.
But my thought process at the time
was all rooted in my lack of trust and my inability
to trust.
Not only other people, but in the reality
that I was worthy of joy, of love, of peace of enoughness
and of abundance.
Trust in my humble opinion, is sacred.
When you trust someone, you're saying to them,
I'm going to assume things are going to work out.
But in trusting you, I also know that you can hurt me.
I also know that at any point in time you can cheat on me,
you can lie to me, you can steal from me, you can smear my name,
you can tell people atrocious lies about me that aren't true,
you can garner flying monkeys around me,
you can pretend to like me, but really not like me.
There is so many things are involved when we trust someone.
And so it's a mixture of faith and a mixture of fear as well.
The thing that abused adult children have to be careful of
is our black and white thinking.
Because very often, like I said earlier,
a trust is very much unconscious.
The ability to trust is unconscious.
And the more secure I felt to my mother and my father
and my siblings, the more trust I
have in myself, in my judgment, and of other people,
and the more fair minded I am.
I don't live in black and white.
In other words, I understand there are plenty of gray.
There's plenty of gray.
And so if you disappoint me, I don't throw you off the bridge.
If you disappoint me, I run it through the filter.
I don't forget the 100 wonderful things you've done for me.
And say none of that matters.
Because in my opinion, in this situation, you abandoned me
or in this situation I could not trust you.
Depending on what it is.
Of course, if you hurt my cat on purpose, of course,
if you do something ridiculous like you cheat on me,
everything is out the window in my opinion.
But you'll know it.
If you're an abused adult child, you can be reactive.
The one time that your friend goes out
with a bunch of other friends and doesn't invite you.
That's it.
The 25-year relationship is over.
That's what we do.
I'm not saying he's healthy.
I'm all in it.
I'm saying that I was a highly reactive co-dependent woman who
my ability to trust someone was very delicate.
And if you wounded me, I took that to heart.
I felt abandoned.
And I would flee.
I would isolate.
Not to be afraid that maybe you were going to hurt me again.
I'd be afraid that it meant that you didn't love me.
That it meant that I wasn't enough.
I wouldn't come at you that's what a narcissist would do.
A narcissist is going to smear your name.
A narcissist is going to attack you.
A narcissist is going to be vindictive, right?
That situation.
But abuse adult children, co-dependency and like,
for the most part, that's not our MO.
For the most part, if you hurt us, we isolate.
If you hurt us, we retreat.
If you hurt us, we're so wounded that we end up
dissolving under the pressures of feeling like distrust
has been obliterated.
If you've come from a chaotic background,
you're not going to be able to trust people
and you're not going to be able to trust that you're worthy.
So you're always going to be waiting, right?
You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You're waiting for the other person to disappoint you.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
See?
I couldn't rely on people.
See?
I'm not good.
I knew they were going to abandon me.
And so that's the danger of the black and white thinking.
So when we develop a more secure attachment with ourself,
we're able to see other people more realistically
and we're able to see ourselves more realistically.
If you struggle-- I know I have, if you
struggle with trusting people, if you
tend to pushed people away the minute they hurt you,
and you think maybe they're not showing up for you 100%,
if this sounds like you, take a deep breath and ask yourself.
How secure did I feel to my mother?
How security I feel to my father?
How secure was my home?
How predictable was my home?
How safe did my home feel?
How did my parents or caretakers react to my emotions?
Were my dreams received as something
exciting to talk about and to explore?
Was I encouraged to go after my dreams?
When I was sick, what was the reaction?
When I cried, what was the reaction?
When I stood up for myself, what was the reaction in my home?
Answering these questions is going
to reveal a lot about what happened to you as a child
when you were developing the ability to trust or mistrust.
It is not your fault if you go through life not being able
to trust people.
This is the effect of being raised by people
who failed you in this regard.
In order for you to feel like you can trust people,
you have to feel like you are worthy.
But that's not the end of the story.
If you came from a home where you approve that it was
proved to you that you weren't worthy.
And maybe you weren't worthy to the people who loved you.
That doesn't make you unworthy dear one.
That makes the people that raised you dysfunctional.
That makes it on them.
We've got to pin the tail on the donkey.
If you can't trust, there's a reason.
But I'm here to tell you.
You can heal that.
I grew up feeling invisible.
I grew up feeling unworthy.
I grew up feeling not enough.
My house look perfect from the outside.
And that was even more confusing.
But on the inside, my mother was an adult child and alcoholic.
My Dad too.
My Dad's mom committed suicide.
My uncle was an alcoholic.
The other uncle was an alcoholic.
It was crazy town.
OK?
Under the skin it was crazy town.
The energy in the house was crazy town.
But nobody talked about it.
Elephant's in the room.
What elephant?
Do you see an elephant?
I don't see an elephant.
I mean, you can feel the elephant.
But we're not talking about the elephant.
It was crazy town.
It was maddening for a little kid.
So no.
I couldn't trust what was happening internally.
And I couldn't trust what was happening externally.
OK?
So it's not your fault. But I'm here
to tell you that it's possible to learn
how to repair it yourself.
It's possible to learn how to love your inner child.
It's possible to become your own champion.
It's possible to see yourself more realistically.
If you come from an abusive home,
chances are you are extremely self-critical.
You judge yourself horribly.
Well, we have to curtail that.
We've got to pull that tongue back.
We've got to push Mommy's voice back.
We've got to push Daddy's voice back.
We've got to push back the voices of people
who live below the veil and we have
to allow our spirit, our higher self to be heard.
We've got to turn up the volume to our higher self,
so we can hear the language of love, which is you are enough,
you have always been enough, none of this is your fault,
and you were born worthy.
We have to evolve towards love and stopped evolving.
We've got to--
The way I look at is I feel like there's a clock inside each
of us, right?
And if you imagine 12 is the midline, right?
And so instead of us moving clockwise,
we've been moving counterclockwise
against the tide of love, right?
So when we start hearing these ideas in our consciousness
starts to get become awakened, now it's
happening to hands on our clock.
You have to go through the darkness again.
You have to sift through it.
You can't get out of the forest until you backtrack, right?
So you backtracking here.
And in this process, you're healing.
And then suddenly, before you realize it,
you past the midpoint and now you're moving with love.
And eventually, if you pick up enough momentum,
your life manifests into something beautiful.
I am proof that it works and you can do it too.
My name is Lisa A. Romano.
I'm the Breakthrough Life Coach and best selling author
of that's released my seventh book.
Look forward to that.
And I'm the creator of the 12 Week Breakthrough coaching
program and the Law of Attraction Masterclass.
Now, the 12 Week Breakthrough coaching program
is perfect for abused adult children from alcoholic homes.
If you came from a narcissistic home,
if you're somebody who feels invisible,
if you don't know how to set boundaries,
if you don't feel real, if you dissociate from your feelings,
if you fawn, if you freeze, this program is perfect for you.
You meet with my team online for 12 Weeks.
Every week you receive a new video lesson, a meditation,
and some journaling prompts, and you enjoy a weekly livestream
with me where I answer your Q and A's.
You're open to this program for at least three years
and you get to join a large Facebook group of the 12 Week
Breakthrough graduates.
Meet me every year in New York at a holiday gala.
Once you graduate from this 12 Week Breakthrough class,
you are set to join the master class.
If you want to, learn how to hone your emotional vibrations
and you'll learn how to be more delivered creative
with the information that you've just learned
about your emotional set point.
If you want to start programs now,
you can jump into the Breakthrough
worry a membership site, you get a copy of my book,
you get a copy of law of attraction classes,
you get a copy of a narcissism program that it put together,
a couple of programs on codependency,
and the love in this old video and meditation program.
And don't forget to join my online Facebook support group.
Now, stay do ones.
Until next time.
Bye for now.