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And now what you’re here for.
The Dipsh*t Brigade Frustrate The DM With Their Wild Antics
Hi everyone.
All Things DnD is back with another story.
The dumbest groups make some of the best memories.
And these players do not disappoint.
Tell us about your ridiculous party after listening to this:
I’ve been DM'ing a modified d20 that my party fondly refers to as LSD&D
Have giant randomization charts, not uncommon to get dumped off into other towns/countries/planets/realities
Party has a Human Sorcerer, Dwarf Assassin Constable's Player, Orc Shaman, and a Vampire
Necromancer Party has been trying to escape a prison-keep
for the past 3 sessions Prison has 4 floors, the higher you go the
more dangerous the criminals Dwarf was stuck in his 1st floor cell ass
naked for almost 2 sessions because his guard was extremely lazy and refused to get off
his ass long enough to get tricked Eventually chucked a rock and knocked him
out, which resulted in the only man with the keys to his cell being knocked out 20 feet
away He doesn't think things through very well
Sorcerer had frozen the lock and shattered it on floor 2, was currently hiding in a broom
closet from the prisoners he released on his floor since it turns out convicted criminals
lie about their intentions Vampire had seduced and killed her guard on
floor 3, was currently charming as many other prisoners as she could to amass her army,
not doing great since everyone else on the floor is equally dangerous
Orc on the fourth floor rolled a miscast as usual (-3 INT modifier and Wild Magic plus
a combination of custom feats that make him miscast more frequently) which caused him
to switch places with the nearest bird, which resulted in him being crammed in the Messenger
Pigeon coop on the roof Dwarf asks Jesus for help jokingly, have him
roll a d100 for giggles cus screw it this game is a mess
You know what he rolled Tall man in white robes walks in front of
his cell, undoes the lock, waves and disappears as soon as he leaves his line of sight
Dwarf instantly converts and promises to become a cleric
Random Jesus becomes a running gag for the rest of the session, Dwarf makes a point to
make a d100 roll every time his turn comes around for some Divine Intervention
Only 1/100 chance why not He gets it 3 more times before they even leave
the prison
Dwarf and the Vamp are the only players able to do anything, both the casters are stuck
in wooden boxes and wont come out Dwarf gets off his butt and steals stuff off
the KO'd guard, gets a nice club and a helmet, none of the clothes fit
The butt naked dwarven assassin who found jesus proceeds towards the daunting task of
surviving long enough to go up a flight of stairs without his chronic stupidity killing
him Stairs are by the break room, guards are idly
hanging around drinking Dwarf needs a distraction
Makes a deal with the also-naked old beggar that was across the hall from him, lets him
out in exchange for salvation Old man goes streaking past the break room,
does a 180 and runs back while Dwarf pretends he is still locked up
All the guards outside of the room chase him down, Dwarf reaches the stairs unseen
Gets up to the second floor in time to see the chaos
All the prisoners are out and the sorcerer covered the floor in a nice layer of ice to
protect himself Dwarf grabs the alarm rope and pulls it, rings
a bell in the guard rooms signaling an escape on floor two
Guards pile out of the stairway and wipeout on the ice
Some unlucky ones slide over to where the prisoners are fighting, others are scrambling
to stay on their feet Dwarf tucks and lays on his extremely hairy
chest, starts penguin sliding along the side of the wall to scoot past the mayhem
Lucky Jesus rolls gives him a helping hand from one of the empty cells
Sorcerer peeks out and sees him, sneaks out of the closet and manages to keep his footing
Both use the cell bars to keep their footing and scoot towards the far stairs to get to
the third floor Manage to not die though the dwarf took a
bolt in the butt The momentum moved him 5 feet closer to the
stairs so he didn't complain much Finally reach the stairs and get out
Third floor, actually not a madhouse for once Vampire has seduced a couple of the stupider
prisoners, that being a troll and a pyromaniacal shaman
Group made the wise choice of not letting out any of the other tier 3 prisoners
Go up to the fourth floor, all the cells are slabs of steel with runes and magic sealing
them shut DEFINITELY not letting out anyone here
However they can't tell which door the Orc is behind, and they don't know he is on the
roof Every door is the wrong door
Dwarf prays Jesus can't help you now
Party argues over the doors for half an hour before they decide on the one with the green
gemstone in the middle Green is the orkiest color, obviously that
must be it Dwarf figures out the puzzle, doesn't know
what the runes mean, all he could decipher is they kept talking about sleep and houses
20 seconds later the party is scrambling onto the roof to get away from the Shoggoth they
just released, minus the troll who didn't react quick enough
Get to the roof, Orc finally comes out of the coop with a Pigeon he named Harold, party
doesn't ask nor care Need to get off the roof, sure as hell can't
go down a floor Shaman doesn't have time for little stuff
like creatures that shouldn't exist He's too damn stupid to take an insanity check,
goes down there to try his luck Tries to cover it with water (Tentacle things
live in water, they must like it) miscast as hoped, instantly grows a full beard
Not the desired result but not complaining Shoggoth didn't notice
Tries again, Dwarf tries to help and Jesus cures his bolt wound and gives him a bathrobe
More water, another miscast, shoggoth grows antlers
Shoggoth noticed that and sees food One more try, casts and miscasts
Target suffers reverse of intended spell The shoggoth instantly loses all of the liquid
in its body and dries up into what could best be described as a really big block of uncooked
ramen noodles That works
The party goes down two floors, pyromancer melts all the ice along with half of the people
fighting Gets a bolt in the heart for his trouble
Dwarf prays, Jesus just waves from down the hall
Prisoners and guards set aside their differences to go after the nutjobs who just came down
the stairs Orc tries to summon a plant of some sort,
can't remember What's important is that, as usual he miscasts
Caster and Party transported to another plane of existence
Great Roll for the setting, Realistic.
Time, Modern OK so that defaults them to earth by our logic
After a multitude of rolls the dipshits end up inside of a large building that sells a
little bit of everything Naturally they appear in Walmart
More specifically the electronics section Dwarf instantly lays claim to an Xbox 360
(new at the time) due to the raw power he can feel radiating off of it
Employee comes by, sees the party Midget in a bathrobe, seems about standard
Skanky pale chick, must be another emo kid Asian man in a big black and green robe, potter
fanboy Large green monster with a staff and a pigeon...
Looks over, sees a WoW advertisement board Ahhhhhh.
LARP-er "Nice outfit kid, how long did it take?"
Shaman just stares Employee gets the memo and walks off
Dwarf is collecting more 360s, rest of the party splits up to find other things
This magical shop has everything Vampire gets an even edgier outfit
Sorcerer finds some wands and an axe for the dwarf
Shaman finds some healthy lifestyle books Everyone is content
Shaman goes for the door, sets off the theft alarm
Party panics, makes a break for it Shaman throws a spell at the door guard (greeter),
makes him 47 years younger Greeter is now middle aged.
Party sprints through the parking lot, running from the brightly colored constructs that
seem to move erratically around the area Runs out of the lot and into the woods
Survive on Little Caesars and stray animals for a week before they get ported back to
their world from another miscast Dwarf becomes filthy rich selling his amazing
shockstone powered creation to his kin, massive tomes are now compiled into tiny metal chips
Sorcerer discovers the wands can only create dim light, but the shockstones inside are
remarkably efficient, renames them Duraspells Vampire starts a new fashion line based on
what she saw, revolutionizes her kinds style, now involves copious amounts of glitter
Shaman goes vegan
DM'ing another session for the dipshit brigade
They are trying to kill an evil lord in his castle
decide to sneak through the window at night lord's bedroom is about 5 stories up
tiny little murder-hole window Orc is caber tossing the dwarf at the window
until he sticks multiple rounds and 30 fall damage later he
finally has a grip on it uses his hand axes to hook onto the inside
party is borderline retarded so nobody has rope
Orc has to caber toss people at the dwarf and hope they can grab on
Shoo-Wei, the sorcerer, manages to get ahold of dwarf's beard
Vamp got ahold of Shoo's ridiculously large robe
human(kinda)chain down two stories Orc goes chimp and jumps off the wall, grabs
vamp's foot start climbing into the room from the bottom
up dwarf is pissed that everyone keeps using
his beard as a hand-hold and stepping on his mohawk
after spending an hour trying to cram themselves through a window that was too small they finally
get inside nobody there
lord is on vacation party would have known this if they actually
researched something for once decide to loot the place out of spite
lots of metal and marble busts of women even has them on the doors
lord was lonely apparently gather all the loot they can
can't get it out the window gotta use the main door which is locked
no handles or keyholes anywhere, just a bronze bust of a large pair of...you get it
whole party is closely inspecting it for any holes or mechanisms
except the vamp who is calculating for scale to make sure she's still bigger
can't find anything Shoo pulls a knowledge check to see what the
hell they are fails horribly
Orc tries to blast it open miscasts and summons a statue of himself made
entirely of cheese better than getting the door open
dwarf asks his lord and savior for guidance hears a quiet voice whisper in his ear
"Door knockers"
after a short break so they can catch their breath the party still has no way out
Splak however has a plan looks me dead in the eye and speaks in the
most serious voice I have ever heard from him
"I twist the nips" this is now the first suggestion anyone ever
has when faced with locks/puzzles not how the door worked but I didn't care
doors swing open dwarf has become enlightened
runs around the room groping all the statues and figures that they looted or left behind
to see if it worked on anything else it didn't but he did find a secret room during
his frantic searching chest inside with a bust on it
a chest chest naturally checks to see if his marvelous plan
can open the chest the chest moans
dwarf is horrified doesn't stop him from trying again
same result rest of the party comes to investigate
Shoo passes a knowledge check for once it's a mimic
Vamp tries to kill it stopped by dwarf
would feel terrible if they murdered the mimic he accidentally molested
need to make it up to her, it? decide to take it with them instead
dwarf's new waifu has joined the party name her, it?
Mimi party abandons all concept of stealth and
charges through the keep ignores every other room
just blitz through the place and out the front gate
set up a stall selling raunchy statues at the market
Mimi prevents theft via removal of stray hands completely and utterly forget about the lord
use the money from the stall to buy a ship and sail off to god knows where
Mimi ends up actually liking the dwarf (could possibly just be severe Stockholm's syndrome
not sure really) dwarf likes her, it? back
short quiet
tough can hold a lot of beer
nice chest matches all the dwarven criteria
marries the mimic becomes fiercely protective of certain pieces
of furniture around the ship party doesn't ask
And another session with the dipshit brigade.
let the guy who usually plays the vamp DM so he can have his first time in a game that
isn't too serious horrible idea
Splak the Dwarf who found Jesus, Ben The Exploding Gnome (rescued by Splak and Shoo who improvised
a giant fire extinguisher with water and air elementals and a bunch of chemicals from the
airship),Shoo Wei the chinese sorcerer, and my Kitsune/Foxfolk (Pathfinder race) shaman/sorcerer
Felix The Fox Felix revolved around illusions and enchantments,
all his offensive abilities had to be done via runes which he prepared ahead of time
or created as needed made specifically to mess with the DM who
I was sure would try to do something, and to trigger the hell out of Ben because he
hated furries with a passion
dumped off in some swamp in the middle of nowhere for very vague reasons
it's a mess of a game we don't give a shit wander around the swamp for a while fighting
off giant toads that really love targeting Ben
hear screams in the distance, obviously a damsel in distress
the fantastic four set off with all due haste cult has the girl tied to a tree for a sacrifice
but wait that girl is a horse
correction that horse is a pony
correction that pony is a “my little pony”...pony...
fluttershy is tied to a tree being cut up and sacrificed to a cult
the edgy vampire DM was actually an edgy closet brony
gods help us start handing out fire and explosive runes
like business cards literally
destroy the cult pretty quickly and easily Shoo and Felix save the pony after a lot of
convincing from Splak Splak uses it as a battle mount
metal as hell dwarven slayer riding a blonde pegasus with pink hair
ask Shoo to carve an explosive rune into the back Felix's skull for me
he declines I cry
fight off more swamp monsters see a house in the distance and go for it
hut with chicken legs know my folklore well enough to tell he's
going for a Baba Yaga rip off start preparing runes
no way in hell am I going in that house rest of the party goes up a rope onto the
porch, greeted by an old lady at the door try to warn them without giving away that
I know what's going on they don't care
stuck outside with the pack pony for company it won't shut up
party is talking to the nice old lady as I frantically scribble down more runes outside
after a few minutes Shoo and Splak get ejected from the house and fall a couple stories as
Ben is prepared to be made into stew cover one the legs of the chicken hut in explosive
runes blast it to hell
tiiiimbeeeeeer house topples over and falls apart
Ben survived by hiding in the cooking pot witch didn't have the same idea
A+ job team DM is annoyed but seems to have a backup plan
if only we knew
reach a mansion in the middle of the swamp big haunted house looking thing
naturally the party thinks for about two seconds before waltzing right in
greeted at the door by a snake like voice going over a crude intercom
welcomes us to the mansion of some lord yadda yadda yadda
get inside and the party is greeted by another freaking pony
no idea what this one is but it was even more annoying
party splits up and goes separate ways getting private tours around areas we would
like Felix is paranoid and keeps making more runes
rest of the party is just enjoying themselves I know what's going on
to his credit the DM actually counters each player with their weakness
Splak has his weapons eaten away by magic rust and is stabbed in the shin by a goblin
(again) Ben is slapped with a zone of silence amd
grappled Shoo is put up against a creature that has
magic resistance Felix was prepared and blows up multiple goons
and uses illusions to avoid capture make a break for a room filled with some kind
of oil or gel slip and fall as expected but they can't run
through it either notice the gel is slowly moving and eating
all my rune papers and ink well played
slice arm open and use blood to create a rune on the floor
blast through it and into a bedroom continues sacrificing health to blast through
walls and enemies can only get so far before blood loss makes
him faint well shit
party gets abducted and placed in a big old dungeon torture chamber
DM reveals his obvious self insert who is going to torture us
has some assistants cutting open Splak while simultaneously healing him so that they can
implant Ben in his chest Shoo is getting drills put through him and
cut up it's real cringey and edgy
saving me for last since I keep blowing everything up
strapped to some big table so Felix can't move
stuck grinding his teeth DMPC goes on a monologue as he cuts up Felix
gloating about how he outsmarted him and the party
talks about what he's gonna do to them asks for any last words
Felix whispers faintly DMPC gets closer
still can't hear him places his head next to Felix's mouth
a mutilated tongue speaks past a blood covered fang
"Explosive rune" explosion sets off a chain reaction
Ben and Splak give each other one last hug before the flames reach Ben
Shoo lets loose a final Greater Shout at the ceiling to weaken it before he too is consumed
whole mansion collapses on itself kills everyone inside
even managed to kill the stupid pony outside DM is less than pleased that his torture fetish
chamber got destroyed but he appreciates that he got outplayed
vote of 4-1 says that I'm the DM again i was the 1
Is it the end for the dipshit brigade?
I surely hope not because those are wild.
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