Hey, you remember that video we made 2 or 3 months ago
about that black guy that was eatin' and raping kids? Like, a lot of kids.
[Hila]: Yeah, Patrice Wilson?
- Yeah.
That was funny.
That guy's definitely a pedophile.
[Hila]: Well, it was just one video; you don't know.
- What?
"Just one video?"
Hila, this is Patrice Wilson we're talking about.
This is not something that someone just does once.
If we went to his YouTube channel right now,
I guarantee we'd click one random video
and he's gonna be on the ground, rolling around, touching and
tickling with a little girl, dude.
Are you seriously trying to tell me
that you don't think Patrice Wilson is a pedophile?
[Hila]: I guess.
- Pffffffft! Come on, dude!
Alright, well here, let me show you. Let's just click a video at random— uh, which one?
Here we go: "Chinese Food". Let's watch it and see.
♪ Alison Gold — Chinese Food ♪
♪ After balling, I go clubbing ♪
♪ Then I'm hugging ♪
♪ Then I'm hungry ♪
♪ and I'm walking on the street ♪
♪ and I'm getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy ♪
♪ I see chow, on my right ♪
♪ I smell food, in the air ♪
[Michelle Obama]: Wow, Ethan, great moves! Keep it up, proud of you.
♪ —so I'm getting getting getting getting hungry ♪
♪ I love Chinese food ♪
[speaks Chinese] [song continues playing in background]
I think I know what he's saying.
"Hello, my name is Jeff. I was born in Florida.
This script was written by a freelance translator.
I have no idea what it says; I'm reading it phonetically.
Hey, can you understand me? Am I saying anything?
Look at me and my two sticks; I'm cooking food.
Hey, I'm a chef!
Hey, look at me, I'm an Asian chef. I've got two big sticks."
♪ Chinese Food continues playing ♪ [speaks Chinese]
♪ After balling, I go clubbing ♪
Bitch, you don't go clubbing. You're 8.
[song continues]
♪ Then I'm hugging ♪
♪ Then I'm hungry ♪
♪ And I'm walking ♪
♪ on the street, and I'm getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy ♪
- You vandal.
You're pushing down barrels. This girl's very unstable for a little girl.
I mean, Jesus, man.
Maybe you'd need to get her some help; get her some medicine or something.
Some, uh—
[clicks fingers] What do ya call that stuff?
[muffled] What's it called?
Stinks in here, dude.
Fuckin' smells like my head in here, dude.
It's gross.
It's way more than I bargained for.
Way more than I asked for in there.
Let's not do that again.
Anyway, let's go with the, uh—
Let's go with Prozac. She needs Prozac.
♪ I love fried rice, I love noodles ♪
♪ I love ch—
"Hi, I'd like one of these, please, one of these, please,
and please hurry up. And my food better be good, or I will literally have you fucking deported.
I'm a little blonde girl, okay, and my dad is a US senator.
You can't even speak English. You're probably here illegally, okay?
So, don't all fuck with my food. I am NOT paying for my meal.
I'm eight years old, no, I don't have my own money,
but you better fucking serve me, or I'll say that your little Chinese
cook over there, with the two sticks, raped me.
Okay? Yes, I need fucking help."
♪ —ow mein, chow mo-mo-mo-mo-mein ♪
- Whoo! Make it rain, bitch.
Let's see them titties.
Oh.
Little bit young for that. Sorry, guys.
♪ I love Chinese food ♪
♪ You know that it's true ♪
I imagine that she's actually just singing the song in the Chinese place
"You know that it's true", she's just like—
"Bitch, you need Prozac."
♪ I love fried rice, I love noodles ♪
Are you ordering? 'Cause you're just saying you love it.
I don't think just saying that you love it is actually an order.
"I love fried rice!"
[taps on desk]
"I love noodles!"
- "Okay, and did you actually want something, though?"
- "No."
♪ —spicy, and you like it ♪
[Ethan imitates] "and you li-ike it"
♪ Fortune cookies, tell my future ♪
"You will find a new friend." Oh, boy.
Knowing Patrice Wilson, this is gonna be good.
This is gonna be weird, this is gonna be creepy.
This is gonna be borderline inappropriate,
and this is gonna all make us re-evaluate what we thought it meant
to be alive - to be human,
and to understand something that you're watching.
"You're gonna find a new friend."
All right, Patrice. Let's see what you've got in store for us.
♪ Chinese, Chinese food ♪
- WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT FOOD, DUDE!?
What'd you feed her, man? She's tripping balls!
And now it's in Hebrew? What does it say, Hila?
[Ethan coughs]
[Hila speaks Hebrew]
[Ethan]: It doesn't make sense?
[Hila]: (Hebrew phrase) is 'to come'
— What does it mean? — Nothing.
— Dude, you couldn't even Google Translate it to make it make sense!
The Hebrew doesn't make sense, man!
[ sigh]
It doesn't make sense, dude. What did you write?
Is this a secret message to your pedophile ring?
Sick, dude.
All these different languages is a hidden message to all your pedophile friends to come meet you underground.
And your rape dungeon where you guys can exchange egg rolls, if you know what I mean?
[song continues] ♪ I love Chinese food ♪
[Ethan]: Wow, it's pretty weird dude!
♪ — it's true ♪
This is pretty weird. I can't imagine it will get much weirder than this, right?
♪ I love fried rice, I love noodles ♪
Wow, that's weird as hell, dude. Woah, that close-up makes me really uncomfortable.
[music slow and distorted]
I mean, everyone loves pandas. They're cute.
They're cuddly.
They're innocent creatures. But, wow, I am really second guessing that —
— very natural assumption that everyone feels. I feel violated.
[distortion]
♪ — mein I love — ♪
All right, how can he make it weirder?
How can Patrice make it weirder? He's on the ground cuddling and touching with a little girl.
How can he make it weirder, guys?
♪ You know that it's true ♪
How can it get weirder?
I'm waiting for it!
It's gonna get weirder!
I know it's gonna get weirder!
I'm waiting for it, dude!
[Patrice rapping] ♪ I love Chinese food ♪
[Ethan]: AAAAAAAAAAH! NOOO!
He did it! He took it to the next level, dude!
He cranked it up to zero to one hundred thousand, dude.
Yeah-heh! YEAH!
He did it!
I didn't know if he would be able to do it, guys, but he cranked it up all the way.
We've gotta go back, man.
I have a feel we missed some good stuff.
[Patrice rapping] ♪ I love Chinese food ♪
♪ And some Wonton soup ♪
Okay, so, in this fantasy world...
She met a panda.
Which would be fine 'cause it's the fantasy world, so you're like, "okay, she meet a panda —"
"— and they're friends. She's friends with a panda."
But ended up actually being an older, black gentleman.
Who was real; a real guy in a panda suit.
Who was sitting — so, imagine this...
He's in there waiting for her.
He gives her a cookie that says, 'You're going to meet a new friend.'
[whispers] He set this up.
How else could his cookie say 'You're gonna make friend' too?
[X-files theme fades in] Too?!
So he gives her the cookie, he's sitting there in his panda suit.
He knows that she is tripping balls 'cause he spiked her food, obviously.
[X-Files theme gets louder]
So she's tripping out, she sees a panda. She thinks she's hallucinating.
She goes, "Hey, I've just got this fortune that says I was gonna meet a friend and I saw you."
And he's like, "Hey, I've got this fortune that says I'm gonna meet a new friend too."
He set the whole thing up. [theme ends]
[Patrice rapping] ♪ I use the chopsticks, to eat pot sticks ♪
♪ Put some hot sauce ♪
[Ethan]: Duuuude!
That's fucked up!
You know what that is a metaphor for, Hila?
Do you know what I'm gonna say?
[Hila]: I don't wanna know.
— Guys, I don't know if I need to say it, but look what he's doing.
Okay?
Just look what he's doing, okay?
Use your imagination.
I don't wanna say it on film.
It's too fucked up, it's too obscene, okay?
It's too fucked up.
But it's here.
K? Just use your imagination and think about it.
She's a young girl, she's never y'know, and he's, y'know, there.
I mean, I'm not gonna spell it out. I'm not gonna say it explicitly. It's not okay to say.
I mean, it's in the video, I'm not making it up.
But just watch his finger rolling around in the red, y'know, sticky...
— y'know, fluid there.
Uh, just imagine what it means, okay? Use your imagination, guys. Think about it.
'Cause I'm not gonna say it outright but I want you to understand what I'm talking about.
And think hardly about what we're dealing with here, k?
A finger. One finger.
Red.
Virgin.
Uh, he's fingering a little girl, dude. That's what it is. He's fingering a little, fucking girl, dude.
[bangs table] It's SICK, DUDE!
[slow-motion, distorted] ♪ Put some hot sauce ♪
Dude, only Patrice would have the balls to put this shit on YouTube.
Let's see if he licks it.
YEAAAAH! He loves it!
HE LOVES IT! Ah, dude, noo, man!
[Hila chuckles]
[Patrice rapping] ♪ Put some hot sauce and sweet - and sweet — ♪
♪ — because Chin — ♪ [becomes distorted]
Aw, dude, look at that face. My god.
He's got blood on his lip. That big smile. Patrice, you dog.
You did it, didn't you?
Yeah, you love Chinese food, boy. I know you like it now.
I understand what you're talking about. You love Chinese food!
And I like the noodles al dente, you know what I mean?
I like my pasta al dente is what he's saying to the world.
♪ I love Chinese food, you know that it's true ♪
♪ I love fried rice, I love — ♪
I can't tell if this shit's racist but I have a feeling that it is racist.
There's no like, uh, formula here that we can run it through, like the racist machine.
Bloop bloop bloop. This gets — this machine — the analysis is that this is indeed racist.
But we've got some little girls here with like their kimonos. We've got a panda bear.
We've got an Asian guy — houffvowvowvowvow — with two sticks who doesn't really appear to be speaking anything.
And, uh, I wanna say I rate this 'yes'. I wanna vote this 'yes, racist'.
♪ You know that it's true, I love — ♪
Stop following her, dude!
Stop fucking following her! You're in her house, man!
You've been with her all day, just fucking go away, dude, what are her parents going to think about this, dude?!
Please, just go away, man. Stop. Following. Her.
[sigh]
♪ — noodles, I love chow mein ♪
♪ chow mo-mo-mo mein ♪ [Ethan]: Woo!
All right.
Through her roof, dawg, are you gonna pay for that? You just busted through her roof, dude.
Fuck that shit.
['traditional' chinese music]
What does it say? "The panda will fly away on a rainbow."
I wonder what's that an analogy for
So, the panda represents her innocence
It's something nice. Classically thought of as cuddly and beautiful and beloved by all. The panda.
The innocence of the sweet young girl, okay?
Will fly away on a rainbow.
Patri — a rainbow is something of many colors, okay? Patrice is black. That's a color, right?
[X-files theme fades in] Now, also, red. That's a color too.
So, we've got black - not traditionally a rainbow color.
But he likes it al dente, so you don't need black. And that's where it becomes really important.
[theme gets louder] So he's black, he's eating red, y'know.
So her innocence flies away on Patrice's finger. Gross, dude. That's sick.
This is gross, dude.
[theme ends] [gong sounds]
Well, what d'you think now, Hila? Is he a pedophile? What do you think?
We need to call the FBI.
[slow-motion distorted]
Music: "Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo [slowed-down version]
♪ I love little girls, they make me feel so good ♪
♪ I love little girls, they make me feel so bad ♪
♪ When they're around, they make me feel Like I'm the only guy in town ♪