-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for tuning in.
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, as if President Biden
isn't dealing with enough right now, tomorrow,
he will deliver his first State of the Union address.
What timing.
It's like having your wedding during
a hurricane, an earthquake, and a sharknado, you know?
The good news is tough to come by,
so half of Biden's speech is about how he
finally made alcoholic Mountain Dew.
Yep, Biden's been going through a tough time,
so in order to gain support, just for tomorrow,
he's changing his last name to Zelensky.
That's right -- as conflict continues in Ukraine,
the world has been awestruck by the heroics of
President Zelensky, who has stayed in Kiev
and vowed to fight for his country.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Sure.
The only way someone could be more popular is if
Ted Lasso became Spider-Man.
That's the only way.
The U.S. even offered to evacuate him,
and he said, "I need ammunition, not a ride."
Yeah, that line is -- [ Applause ]
That line is so good, Vin Diesel is stealing it
for the next "Fast & Furious."
Meanwhile, I read that a growing number of U.S. officials
and their allies are questioning Putin's mental state.
Yeah, Putin poisons his enemies' underpants for a living,
and now people are concerned?
Today, to show he's still sharp, Putin was like,
"Person, woman, man, Smirnoff, borscht.
Person, woman, man, Smirnoff, bor--"
Speaking of Putin, I saw that he just met with
his top advisers, but take a look at the seating arrangement.
This is a real photo.
Wow.
That table is from Pottery Barn's
Germophobe collection.
Yeah.
That looks like how you seat
your unvaccinated uncle at Thanksgiving.
Can I see the table again?
Oh, my God.
When they pass the memo down the table,
the entire Russian curling team has to come out.
You go...
Of course, everyone is concerned about
the situation in Ukraine.
And here in the U.S., people have started
boycotting Russian vodka.
Yeah, Americans said, "Look, if we have to rip
tequila shots until this is over,
then, by God, we will do it."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Just do it.
But thanks to harsh sanctions from countries
all around the world, Russia's economy
is spiraling towards a total collapse.
Here's how bad things have gotten.
The ruble is now worth one Chuck E. Cheese token.
Yeah, almost everyone is coming out against Russia.
Today, even Switzerland -- Switzerland --
broke their neutral status and froze Putin's assets.
Right now, the Swiss Army is like, "Attack formation!
Knife! Corkscrew! Weird, tiny scissors!"
Well, let's change gears.
A new study found that people will pay more attention to
ads if they feature dogs and cats.
I guess companies heard about this study,
which explains this new ad I just saw.
Check this out.
♪♪
-Our company is dedicated to making sure
you're always satisfied.
Whatever it takes to ensure you're happy,
we'll get the job done.
You can count on it.
Better ingredients.
Better pizza.
Papa John's.
-Wow!
-Yeah.
Did you guys see this or hear about this?
A man in New York just won $10 million -- $10 million --
from a scratch-off lottery ticket.
But here's the unbelievable part -- not just that.
The same man won $10 million from
another scratch-off ticket three years ago.
That's insane.
Even crazier, the same guy was behind him
in line at 7-Eleven both times.
Like, "Oh, come on!"
And, finally, a woman in Maryland
lost her iPhone 10 years ago,
and her husband just plunged it out of their toilet.
It was incredible.
He found her phone and some classified documents
Trump flushed down there.
Yep, after recovering the iPhone,
they turned it on, and Siri said...
-Oh, man, I have seen some [bleep]
-We have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots, ladies and gentlemen!
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, everyone, before we get started,
obviously, our heart goes out to everyone in Ukraine right now.
There are families struggling to figure out what to do,
and they could really use our help.
If you would like to donate, you can go to
unicefusa.org/tonightshow.
Anything you can give will make a difference.
Thank you very much.