'I love you just the way we are now change' and they don't wanna be changed.
They wanna be loved and appreciated for who they are, so do you.
I'm Dr. John Demartini. You're part of a family,
and there are times in the family where there are challenges and conflicts
and defiance and different of opinions and it's frustrating at times,
challenging at times, but it makes us grow. In this presentation today
I'd like to go down the journey of discussing how
to reduce defiance and conflict within the family
members, by mastering the art of communication.
That's really what the topic's about.
So you might wanna take some notes and get some writing paper,
or pens or something. Let's go down this journey.
Every one of the family members in your family or extended
family, you may have somebody living with you that's a friend or something,
has a unique set of values and priorities,
they're fingerprints specific. In fact, if you look carefully in your family,
you'll see that you have a brother and sister in all probability,
if you're not a sole child,
that has completely different set of values than you.
You may be dedicated to organize and structuring and going on goals and they may
just go with the flow, or you may be focused on metaphysics and philosophy,
and they may be really grounded in science and engineering or something.
These pairs of opposites are pretty notorious in the family. And with that,
it adds some very good challenge to the idea of communicating.
And sometimes what you think is important,
they don't think is important and vice versa.
So how do you effectively communicate with somebody that has
maybe not the complete opposite, but close to it, in values and needs?
And this is what you're facing every single day and not only in your family,
but even this extends,
some of the principles I'm gonna share today extends into your coworkers at
work,
or your relationship in society and your own children when you have your own
children someday. So just know that everybody has a unique set of values,
set of priorities, and whatever's highest on their values,
their set of priorities, their hierarchy of values,
is what they're dedicated to. Their identity revolves around it.
Their purpose is an expression of what's highest on their value.
This is what they wanna learn the most,
and this is how they filter their reality accordingly.
So whatever's most important to them, whatever's most meaningful to them,
what's most fulfilling to them, most inspiring to them, most priority to them,
is what their life is about. And yours is gonna be unique to yours,
your set of values, and your moms and dads.
And everybody's gonna show you love according to their set of values.
So if your father is dedicated to education, like in my case,
he's going to encourage education.
Your mom may educate and inspire health. Somebody else,
maybe grandma may tell you,
well when you're gonna have a baby and when you're gonna get married or
something. Everybody's gonna project their values onto you.
And some of those values are gonna be more meaningful than others,
and sometimes gonna be frustrating.
So how do you communicate in a way back to them
where they're not resistant and they're not defiant and how do they communicate
with you where you're not? Okay, so here's the first thing you wanna write.
You want to first identify what are the values of yourself and your family
members. If you've never taken the time to do that,
you really don't know who you're with.
If you don't know what they're dedicated to, what's most inspiring to them,
what they're most fulfilled by, you don't know what their life's really about.
And you may be projecting assumptions that they're living in the same values you
have, but that's not the case. If you do, you'll end up frustrated.
Finding out what their set of values are and what's priority to them is a
crucial step in communication. Now on my website, drdemartini.com,
please take the time if you haven't done it,
and go online there and look up, determine your values.
It's free, it's complimentary.
And I would have you go through and do the on yourself,
and do it maybe a week later and a month later and a quarter later,
to get an idea of what you're really, really demonstrating over the long haul,
what your life is committed to, what's really important to you.
Your life demonstrates your values. Your decisions are based on your values,
your perceptions, decisions, and actions are all based on your values.
The hierarchy of your values dictates your destiny,
and who you are as an expression of those values.
So first go online and do that for yourself.
Then you might go to your family members that you may have had some challenging
communication with them and say to 'em, 'You know,
I see that sometimes I'm not always respecting you.
I'm not always listening to you. I'm not communicating effectively with you.
And I found a tool that's online that may make me have more
respect, appreciation, and communicate more effectively with you.
I know that you're busy,
but it would really mean a lot for me to be able to be able to communicate more
effectively with you and to respect you.
And if you did this exercise together,
if we did this exercise and determine your values,
it might help me appreciate what you're committed to.
I think I'm projecting my assumptions onto you and creating projections
and expectations that are unrealistic and it's causing us conflict.
And I don't wanna be in conflict with you.
You're my brother or sister or my mother', whoever it may be.
If you approach it in a way where they're going to win out of it,
and they're gonna be respected out of it,
you might have them go through that Value Determination process themselves.
And if you do it together, that's even greater, if not,
they wanna do it privately that's okay.
But then once they have that summary of what they value,
there's a very powerful exercise you and they, if they're interested, can do.
Even if they're not, you can do it.
And that is take the top three most important priorities and values of their
life and the top three most important values of your life,
and ask this question;
How specifically is what they're dedicated to, what's most important to them,
what they're inspired by, what they spontaneously do,
what their life revolves around,
how is that helping me fulfill what I'm dedicated to,
what's most inspiring to me and what's priority to me?
If you can't see how what they're dedicated to is serving you,
you're gonna be self righteously, projecting your values onto them.
And they're going to automatically get resistant and be defiant.
And you're gonna be you just set yourself up for conflict. See,
anytime you go above somebody and project your values onto somebody,
you automatically get resistance.
Anytime you go underneath them and sacrifice what's valuable to you to be with
them, you're gonna get resistance.
So what's gonna happen is until you have an equal playing field,
you're gonna have miscommunication.
If you're looking down on 'em and thinking your values are more important than
theirs, you're gonna be careless. If you're looking up at 'em,
you're gonna be careful walking on eggshells,
but it's when you have them equal that you have caring,
which keeps the rings on the fingers. And at that caring communication,
that's sustainable in relationships that reduces some of the conflict and
People aren't gonna be defiant if you are communicating what you wanna say in
defiance.
terms of what they want to hear. If it's helping 'em fulfill what they value,
they'll turn around and help you fulfill what your value is.
A lot of the conflict is based on these in inequalities between family members.
And what we do is we have a tendency to think our values are right,
and we get proud about our values,
and we expect others to live in those values and we create chaos.
That's where most of the chaos is,
assumption that people are supposed to see the world through your eyes.
That's not gonna happen.
One of the most unrealistic expectations you'll ever have is to expect somebody
to live in your values, or for you to live in theirs. It's not gonna work.
It just creates resistance.
So take the time to find out what their top three values are.
Take the time to find out what yours are,
and ask how is their top value helping you fulfill yours?
How is their second value helping you fulfill yours? The third value doing it?
How does your values help them fulfill theirs?
And sit on a piece of paper and take the time to make the links.
Cause if you can see what they're dedicated serving you,
it's amazing the difference. You'll have a different respect for them.
You'll think before you speak, and think.
Imagine if you met somebody that was very, very respected,
you respected highly and it was really important,
you would stop and think about what you were gonna say before you spoke to them,
because there's a deep respect for them. Well,
if you can see how what their values help you fulfill yours,
the respect level goes up. If you see them less than yours,
you're gonna talk down to 'em, autocratically. If you see 'em way above you,
you're gonna sit there and sacrifice yourself for them.
You become altruistically sacrificial if you put 'em on a pedestal,
you become in a sense,
other sacrificing them for you if you become narcissistic and they're down in
the pit. Putting people in pedestals of pits is what blocks communication.
You gotta put 'em in your heart. That's what caring is.
That's what creates a sustainable dynamic.
A dialogue instead of alternating monologues where you're speaking,
they're not listening, they're speaking, you're not listening.
The moment you have the links between those values, and I've done this
on thousands of people, the moment those links are made,
the more links you make, the better the communication,
and the more respectful the communication and the higher the probability that
you're gonna communicate what you wanna say,
masterfully in terms of what they wanna fulfill.
If you help them fulfill what they wanna do in life,
it helps you fulfill what you wanna do in life. Now, the more links you make,
if you sit down and write one or two links, it's not gonna make much difference.
I found that around 20 to 30 links per value, oh yeah,
that takes some time, but
if you don't learn this art of communicating in people's values,
the frustration, the aggravation, the conflict,
the dissipation of energy and all the noise in the
brain from all the conflicts is gonna be way more costly in time than it is to
take the time to make the links. How specifically,
the quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask,
how specifically is what this individual, my family member is dedicated to,
what they're inspired by, what's most important, meaningful to them,
how's it helping me fulfill what's most important to me?
The more links you go one way, and the more links you go the other way,
how is what I'm dedicated to helping them fulfill what they're dedicated to?
And take their top three and your top three and make links.
I've sat down and helped people do links. We actually did a training program,
a values training program in Japan one time,
we had 33 pairs of people that didn't know each other.
And we ended up doing this exercise and when they finished that,
out of the 33 pairs, 27 of those pairs started doing business with each other,
they never met each other before that. They started doing business.
They had respect for each other, communication. There was dialogue.
They both saw how what they're both dedicated to could serve each other.
That is huge when it comes to a relationship in a family. Now,
in addition to that exercise, making the links,
the moment you see them as equals,
you will think before you emotionally react and project.
And then when you do that,
that makes a huge different cuz now you're in your executive center,
now out of your amygdala. When you try to communicate from your amygdala,
you miscommunicate, you go into gestural communication then you go into anger.
Anger and aggression is a byproduct, it's the lowest level of communication,
it's the last resort for people that don't know how to communicate with their
physical forms,
that's why if you say something and you're not saying it in a way that people
want to hear it, it's not helping them fulfill what they want in life,
you start getting more animated gesturally, and eventually you get angry.
And that's because we go down into more primitive forms of communication because
we don't master the art of communication. And that's why we get the defense.
And the defense and defiance in our family members are not
bad things.
They're exactly what you need to get the lesson that you're not communicating
from respect.
You're communicating from an autocracy where you think that your values are
right and theirs are wrong, and that's gonna get you resistance.
And it's defiance. You need that.
You need the defiance and the conflict to give you feedback,
to let you know that you're
narcissistically projecting an assumption that they're supposed to read your
mind and supposed to be doing what you think is important,
instead of respectfully communicating what you value in terms of what they
value.
If you help other people fulfill their values and do it in a way where you're
fulfilling yours doing it, you've got the game mastered.
And I guarantee it makes a difference.
I've seen parents learn in how to do that and change the dynamic of their kids.
Anstead of labeling the kids, defiant disorders, attention deficit,
which are all symptoms of not knowing how to communicate,
not respecting what's really valuable to that individual.
This can occur for husbands and wives, any of the children,
any human being that you ever have a communication with, this principal applies.
So that's the first thing.
And the second thing is to know that reflective awareness is the key to
intimacy. If you want to have a close relationship with people,
you have to realize that anything you're too proud or too humble to admit that
you see in them, inside yourself, is gonna block your communication.
If you're looking down at them and they're doing something you're too proud to
admit you're doing and looking down, you're gonna talk down to 'em.
If you're sitting there and you're admiring them and you're sitting and
minimizing yourself, you're gonna talk up to 'em.
Anytime you're too proud or too humble to admit what you see in others inside
you, you've lost your intimacy, you've lost reflection,
you've gone into deflection and you're gonna start miscommunicating.
You don't have an equitable exchange in fair exchange available.
So that's why I teach people a method called the Demartini Method in my program,
the Breakthrough Experiences is where I usually teach,
I have also special training program,
to teach people how to ask a new set of questions,
to discover that whatever they see in others, they have inside themselves.
And if they look down on it, what are the upsides?
Questions to ask what are the upsides to calm it down,
to bring it back in equilibrium. If you're up at it, what's the downsides,
to bring it in equilibrium.
The whole method is designed to help you master communication.
And then when I've taken people on doing it at the Breakthrough Experience,
people actually sit across from people that they've had major conflicts with and
when they get through with it,
they're sitting there having a present moment with their heart open,
grateful for the contribution they've made in their life.
So the Value Determination process, the value communication application,
by making the links between values,
and the Demartini Method are gold mines when it comes to mastering the art of
communication. That's why I tell people to go to the Breakthrough Experience,
to get to learn that process.
That is a God saving gift I promise you.
It's amazing thing for the family. I mean,
if you came there and watched what happens to family members that actually do it
on each other,
there's tears of gratitude and it changes their relationship to a new level.
So if you're having defiance, if you're having conflict,
if you're having miscommunication, please go back and watch this again possibly,
listen to it more than once. Remember,
the quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask.
How specifically is what they're dedicated to helping you fulfill what you're
dedicated to?
How is what you're dedicated to helping 'em fulfill what they're dedicated to?
Answer that 30, 40, 50, just keep answering that, a hundred times.
The time spent on that is insignificant compared to the time lost
in all the miscommunications. Cuz sometimes you fester, you go to your room,
you don't wanna talk to 'em, you're wiped out for a few days, you don't want to,
and all that energy is all a byproduct of not knowing how to communicate.
And then learning the Demartini Method,
which is a gold mine of opportunity for communicating and appreciating.
I've been using it for over 30 something years, 36 years now,
helping people resolve conflict and help them appreciate and
communicate and love people, have more reflective awareness.
And it's simply a set of questions and you can learn those questions,
apply those questions and change your dynamics for the people you care about.
So, just wanted to take some time to that,
to discuss that today and make sure that you contemplate
that because remember nobody ,
nobody has the same set of values as you.
If any two people are exactly the same, one's not necessary.
And everyone wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are,
and who they are revolves around what they value most.
And if you can't see what they are and who they are is helping you fulfill
yours, you're gonna wanna change 'em.
I love you just the way they are now change. And they don't wanna be changed.
They wanna be loved and appreciated for who they are, and so do you.
So the communication to the top values is a gold mine and learning the Demartini
Method on how to ask questions to have reflective awareness so you can increase
the intimacy and communication and reflection is absolutely a mind
bending, changing system. It's an inspiring piece of work.
I've seen it work so many times.
You wanna make sure you learn that and master that.
And if this topic is even more intriguing to you and you like to go maybe a
little further down,
besides coming to the Breakthrough Experience and learning the methods,
both of those I teach in there, the value communication and the method.
I also have a couple CDs called Balancing Emotions,
which could be very helpful in relationships for the aftermath or maybe in
advance and also Understanding the Family Dynamics and also the Mastering the
Art of Communication.
All three of those are online CDs that I've done that could be supplemental to
what we did here that are more like one to two hour programs, not just 15,
20 minutes like this.
But I just wanted to go down that and just seed that opportunity inside you.
Just know that everyone wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are.
If you wanna know who they are, find out what their values are,
the highest values is an expression of it.
Find out how to communicate what you have as the highest value in terms of what
they have, and I guarantee you that master of that communication is a gold mine.
It will change the relationships you have with the people you care about.
And there's no reason why you have to have unnecessary conflict when you can
take the skill and master it,
the amount of energy it takes to master the skill is insignificant compared to
the amount of energy you'll spend in all those conflicts throughout your life.
So this is Dr. Demartini.
Thank you for joining me for this special little message
on communication and you know,
transcending defiance and conflict in the family and mastering the art
communication.
There's no reason why you have to have all that conflict unnecessarily.
I look forward to seeing you at the next presentation.
I.