WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW
REGULARLY, AND I HOPE YOU DO, YOU KNOW THAT I TRY TO HAVE A
PRETTY POSITIVE OUTLOOK ON THE WORLD, SUCH AS IT IS.
I SEE THE GLASS AS HALF FULL.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE LIQUID IS, AND I'M NOT DRINKING IT.
BUT IT'S HALF FULL.
BUT CURRENT EVENTS HAVE ME FEELING A LITTLE UNSETTLED, AND
A LITTLE 'FLURPY,' ABOUT AMERICA'S FUTURE.
AND I'M NOT ALONE.
ACCORDING TO A RECENT CBS NEWS-YOUGOV-MOUNTAIN DEW: CODE
RED- POLL, AMERICA'S MOOD IS UNEASY AND WORRIED.
THINGS ARE SO STRESSFUL OUR NATIONAL BIRD IS NOW THE
'BALDING EAGLE.' ( APPLAUSE )
SO IT'S GOOD.
LONG MAY HE WAVE.
JUST GOING TO SAVE IT?
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO THE POLL, 74% OF
AMERICANS SAY THINGS IN AMERICA ARE GOING BADLY, AND 65% OF
AMERICANS SAY THAT WHEN IMPORTANT THINGS COME UP,
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS SLOW TO ACT.
WELL, YEAH.
HE'S 79.
( LAUGHTER ) AT HIS AGE IF HE MOVES TOO FAST,
HE'LL GET BRUISED BY HIS SHIRT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE G.O.P. DOESN'T FARE WELL
EITHER, BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS ARE DESCRIBED BY A MAJORITY AS
EXTREME.
THE GOP RESPONDED: THIS POLL IS ILLEGITIMATE.
NO ONE FEELS THAT WAY.
AND WHEN WE RETURN TO POWER, ANYONE WHO FEELS THAT WAY WILL
BE SORRY WHEN WE MAKE THE PURGE REAL.
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD MOVIE, THOUGH.
QUALITY MOVIE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF THE PRESIDENT
DEALING WITH OUR PROBLEMS, HE LEFT US.
HE'S IN ASIA.
THIS WEEKEND, HE WAS IN SOUTH KOREA, AND DURING A PRESS
CONFERENCE, HE WAS ASKED ABOUT THE THREAT THAT NORTH KOREA
MIGHT SHOOT OFF SOME MISSILES WHILE HE'S THERE.
>> DO YOU HAVE A FOR KIM JONG UN WHILE YOU'RE HERE?
>> HELLO.
PERIOD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL,
WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN FRONT OF A
RAGING WATERFALL?
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO IF YOU'RE A MOBSTER AND YOU'RE AFRAID
SOMEBODY'S WEARING A WIRE.
TODAY, HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE NEXT TO A GUY
OPERATING A JACKHAMMER.
AND THAT MESSAGE ITSELF, HELLO, HAS GOT TO BE PRETTY
DISAPPOINTING FOR KIM JONG-UN.
HE SPENT FOUR YEARS BEING THE FOCUS OF US FOREIGN POLICY,
GETTING LOVE LETTERS FROM THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT.
AND ALL HE GETS FROM BIDEN IS HELLO?
IT'S THE MOST CASUAL PRESIDENTIAL GREETING OF AN
ADVERSARY SINCE REAGAN AT THE BERLIN WALL:
>> MR GORBACHEV, HOW'S IT HANGING, BRO?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HOUSE OF IT
HANGIN'?
I REMEMBER HOW IT HUNG.
HOW IT HANGED.
TO THE RIGHT?
BUT NORTH KOREA'S NOT THE ONLY FOREIGN POWER BIDEN HAS A FOR.
TODAY, WHILE IN TOKYO, HE WAS ASKED THIS HYPOTHETICAL ABOUT
CHINA ATTACKING TAIWAN: >> ARE YOU WILLING TO GET
INVOLVED MILITARILY TO DEFEND TAIWAN IF IT COMES TO THAT?
>> YES.
>> STEPHEN: GULP.
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON, JOE, WE HAVE ENOUGH
GOING ON.
IT'S LIKE THAT OLD COCO CHANEL SAYING: BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE
HOUSE, LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
AND DON'T GO TO WAR WITH CHINA.
( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN'S VERY BLUNT STATEMENT
SURPRISED MANY, INCLUDING THE REPORTER WHO ASKED IT, SO SHE
FOLLOWED UP.
>> YOU ARE?
>> THAT'S A COMMITMENT WE MADE.
>> STEPHEN: HE SOUNDS SO RESIGNED.
(AS GRANDPA) "I KNOW THE SPARK HAS GONE OUT
OF OUR MARRIAGE, DORIS, BUT IT'S A COMMITMENT WE MADE, SO LET'S
GO UPSTAIRS AND DO THE NASTY, I GUESS.
OR RIGHT HERE ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.
IT'S NOT LIKE THE KIDS ARE AROUND ANYMORE TO INTERRUPT."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE
THE US HAS HISTORICALLY WARNED CHINA NOT TO USE FORCE AGAINST
TAIWAN WHILE GENERALLY REMAINING VAGUE ABOUT HOW FAR IT WOULD GO,
IN A POLICY CALLED, STRATEGIC AMBIGUITY.
JOHNNY, TELL THEM WHAT STRATEGIC AMBIGUITY MEANS.
>> IF YOU INVADE TAIWAN YOU'LL GET WHATEVER'S
IN THE MYSTERY BOX.
IT COULD BE A NUCLEAR STRIKE OR A BROYHILL DINETTE SET.
MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS STEVE.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, JOHNNY.
( APPLAUSE ) SO, IT SEEMS LIKE BIDEN MIGHT
HAVE STEPPED IN IT JUST A LITTLE, WHICH MIGHT BE WHY,
AFTER HIS VERY FIRM YES, HE DID THE BACKSTROKE:
>> LOOK, HERE'S THE SITUATION: WE AGREE WITH A ONE CHINA
POLICY.
BUT THE IDEA THAT IT COULD BE TAKEN BY FORCE, JUST TAKEN BY
FORCE IS JUST NOT APPROPRIATE.
IT WILL DISLOCATE THE ENTIRE REGION AND BE ANOTHER ACTION,
SIMILAR TO WHAT HAPPENED IN UKRAINE.
AND, SO, IT'S A BURDEN THAT IS EVEN STRONGER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: I WOULD DESCRIBE THE BIDEN FOREIGN POLICY AS WISTFUL
ANXIETY.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S JUST FOLLOWING TEDDY
ROOSEVELT'S FAMOUS DICTUM: SPEAK SOFTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) WHILE THE PRESIDENT WAS IN ASIA,
HE ADDRESSED THE HOT NEW VIRUS EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN OUR UNFORTUNATELY RECURRING SEGMENT:
PLANET OF THE MONKEYPOX!
TAKE YOUR STINKING POCKS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY APRIL!
>> Stephen: WHILE HE WAS IN KOREA, THE
PRESIDENT WAS ASKED ABOUT THE DISEASE, AND SAID THAT EVERYBODY
SHOULD BE CONCERNED.
WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I UNDERSTAND WHY, BECAUSE
THERE ARE MORE THAN 190 CONFIRMED OR SUSPECTED CASES IN
16 COUNTRIES, INCLUDING THE U.K., PORTUGAL, GERMANY,
BELGIUM, FRANCE, THE NETHERLANDS, ITALY, SWEDEN, AND
SPAIN.
EVIDENTLY, MONKEYPOX IS TRAVELING THROUGH EUROPE.
EVEN WORSE, IT NOW INSISTS ON PRONOUNCING IT 'BARTH-AY-LONA.'
( LAUGHTER ) DRIVING IN A LAURIE.
MONKEYPOX HAS ALSO MONKEYED ITS WAY OVER TO AMERICA, WHERE THERE
IS NOW A THIRD CASE IN FLORIDA.
BUT THAT'S FINE, BECAUSE FLORIDA KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE A DISEASE
OUTBREAK, RIGHT GOVERNOR RON DE SANTIS?
>> COVID, I VIEW AS A VERY MINOR RISK OKAY WE'RE DEAD.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WE'RE ALL DEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THERE'S A REASON
MONKEYPOX HAS BEEN SPREADING SO QUICKLY.
ACCORDING ONE INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT AT THE W-H-O, IT HAS
GOTTEN INTO THE POPULATION AS A SEXUAL FORM, AS A GENITAL FORM.
I'M NO DOCTOR, BUT I KNOW THAT THE GENITAL FORM OF SOMETHING IS
ALWAYS THE WORST FORM.
(AS DOCTOR) "MISTER SMITH, I'M SORRY, BUT IT
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A SINUS INFECTION.
THE GENITAL FORM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S A NASAL SPRAY.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE WHERE IT GOES."
( LAUGHTER ) THANKS TO OUR MEDDLING GENITALS,
THIS COULD JUST KEEP SPREADING.
THE W.H.O. IS CONCERNED MONKEYPOX COULD ACCELERATE
DURING SUMMER MONTHS WITH MASS GATHERINGS LIKE FESTIVALS.
SO BE CAREFUL AROUND PRIMATE-THEMED FESTIVALS LIKE
LOLLAPA-LEMUR CHIMP-CHELLA
AND BONOBO-ROO.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S GOOD NEWS FOR BABIES,
AND IT'S NOT JUST THAT I NEVER REALLY HAD YOUR NOSE.
SORRY FOR THE MIXUP.
BECAUSE TO HELP RELIEVE THE COUNTRY'S ONGOING FORMULA
SHORTAGE, ON SUNDAY, THE US MILITARY AIRLIFTED BABY FORMULA
FROM EUROPE.
THAT IS A SHOCKING HEADLINE.
THE UNITED STATES, THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF
UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS, HAS BEEN FORCED TO AIRLIFT FORMULA FROM
EUROPE BECAUSE WE CAN'T FEED OUR BABIES.
IF I TOLD YOU FIVE YEARS AGO THIS WAS HAPPENING, YOU'D SAY,
THAT'S GOTTA BE THE WORST NEWS OF THE DAY.
THEN I WOULD TELL YOU ABOUT GENITAL MONKEYPOX.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH ALSO CAME FROM EUROPE.
WHICH WE ALSO GOT FROM EUROPE.
BUT THANKS TO OUR EUROPEAN FRIENDS, OUR BABIES ARE READY TO
CHOW DOWN ON 132 PALLETS OF FORMULA FROM ZURICH,
SWITZERLAND.
OH, AND THE SWISS FORMULA IS THE BEST.
IT'S GOT THOSE LITTLE MARSHMALLOWS.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M BEING TOLD
WE HAVE JUST RECEIVED FOOTAGE OF THE FLIGHT LANDING.
>> BRRRRRRRRRR, HERE COMES THE PLANE.
HERE IT COMES.
OPEN UP NOM NOM NOM SPEAKING OF SNOOD SPEAKING OF WHINEY LITTLE
BABIES, BILLIONAIRES.
ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, DURING THE COVID PANDEMIC, A NEW
BILLIONAIRE WAS CREATED EVERY 30 HOURS.
AND NONE OF THEM WERE ME.
I'M BEGINNING TO GET THIS WHOLE INCOME INEQUALITY THING.
SPECIFICALLY, BETWEEN MARCH 2020 AND MARCH 2022, 573 PEOPLE
BECAME NEW BILLIONAIRES, INCLUDING 40 NEW PHARMACEUTICAL
BILLIONAIRES.
WHICH IS SAD.
YOU KNOW THEY'RE JUST GONNA BLOW IT ALL ON DRUGS.
WE ALSO SAW THE ADDITION OF 62 NEW FOOD BILLIONAIRES.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE A REACTION FROM ONE SUCH BILLIONAIRE.
>> IIIIIIIII'M RICH, BITCH!
>> Stephen: BEV GOT A GREAT SHOW.
MY GUESTS ARE JENNIFER CONNELLY AND PATTI LUPONE.
WHEN WE COME BACK, ARE CELEBRITIES SCAMMING YOU ABOUT
CRYPTO?
STAY TUNED AFTER THE CELEBRITY CRYPTO COMMERCIALS.
WE'LL FIND OUT.