Lately, you’ve been finding the allure of affordable Swedish flat-pack furniture just
too strong to resist.
So, you mosey on down to the local Ikea superstore.
You’ll get yourself some nice, new furniture, and stop by the restaurant for some meatballs
at lunch.
What could possibly go wrong?
Except, on your way to find the perfect Kleppstad wardrobe, you find you’ve lost your way.
And I mean really lost your way, you have no idea where you are.
You might have chalked it up to the confusing store layout or your own terrible sense of
direction, if it weren’t for the seven-foot-tall, faceless monsters in Ikea uniforms wandering
around.
That’s because you’re not just trapped in any Ikea, you’re trapped in SCP – 3008,
the infinite Ikea!
What started as a battle to not spend too much money on shelving units has become a
battle for your life and freedom, but don’t worry.
With our help, we can make sure your final resting place isn’t an Ikea Tomrefjord bed.
First, some important ground rules: This is gonna be a little different to some of our
other You Vs videos because, simply put, you can’t defeat or kill SCP – 3008, only
escape or survive it.
Unlike a number of battles against the frightening creatures and entities of the SCP Foundation,
you won’t have foundation knowledge, personnel, resources, or weapons to help you.
So, no heavily armed SWAT teams or backup Predator Drones.
But don’t let that dishearten you.
After all, you’ll be in the largest Ikea known to man, so you won’t have to look
far to find the comforts of home or potential improvised weapons.
But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.
After all, it doesn’t matter how many weapons you have.
If you don’t understand your enemy first, an AK-47 might as well be a BB gun.
SCP – 3008 is technically the umbrella term for two different kinds of dangerous anomaly,
both of which you’ll be facing up against today: SCP – 3008 – 1 and SCP – 3008
– 2.
SCP – 3008 – 1 is the specific term for the anomalous section of the store you’re
currently trapped in.
The gateway to this particular area is always situated in a seemingly normal Ikea superstore,
and its size is estimated to be anywhere between 10 square kilometres and infinity itself.
Thankfully, escape from this area isn’t unprecedented, as The SCP Foundation has recorded
at least fourteen successful escapes since they first brought the area into containment.
We won’t crush your spirits by telling you how small a portion of the overall amount
trapped inside that is, but it’s comforting to know you at least have an above 0% chance
of getting out of this situation alive.
But the things that’ll make that a lot harder are SCP – 3008 – 02, dangerous humanoid
entities known to the prisoners of SCP – 3008 – 01 as “The Staff.”
And while the thought of Ikea staff probably brings to mind smiling, helpful people in
yellow shirts and blue pants, that thought couldn’t be more wrong here.
Well, apart from the yellow shirts and blue pants.
These things still have those.
The first thing you’re likely to notice about The Staff inside of SCP – 3008 is
their freakish proportions.
They’re described as either being too tall or too short, so you’ll have to be on the
lookout above and below.
The Staff also tend to have long, powerful limbs with large hands that allow them to
grab prey, such as yourself, at an impressive distance.
They also seem to lack any kind of facial features, bones, blood, or internal organs.
It seems less obvious than some of the other advantages possessed by The Staff, like their
strength or numerical superiority, but the first thing they have on you is psychological.
As a normal and at least somewhat sane human being, seeing monsters without faces running
around is likely going to be a shock to you.
Even more than that, considering you’re lost and disoriented, nobody could blame you
for being afraid of The Staff, either.
The problem here is that fear tends to either lead to panic or hesitation.
And if one or even a few of these things are bearing down on you and you freeze up, even
for a second, chances are that you’re probably a goner.
That’s why steeling your nerves, keeping your wits about you, and cultivating a strong
survival instinct is key to your survival while trapped in SCP – 3008.
And now, some good news, before you get it into your head that you won’t be leaving
this Ikea alive any time soon.
While The Staff can be frightening and even deadly in the right circumstances, they’re
not in constant attack mode.
Even though SCP – 3008 – 1 is entirely indoors, the automatic lighting up above simulates
periods of day and night.
While The Staff are incredibly hostile during the night time periods, they’re shown to
be docile and unresponsive during the day.
We still wouldn’t recommend attempting a sneak attack on them during the day, as they’ve
been known to react violently to attack at all times, but you can at least use the daytime
periods to prepare yourself for later combat.
Not only can you use this time to get used to seeing them, and thus reduce your fear
of them during night time skirmishes, you can also collect weapons, intel, and supplies
while the creatures are docile.
Then, when night falls, you’re ready to fight.
You’ll probably be happy to hear that, while the creatures do wield impressive physical
strength and seemingly unlimited numbers, they only have the endurance of your average
human.
In other words, anything that can kill you can also kill them, giving you a slightly
more even playing field.
This brings us to the fun part: Weapons.
Luckily for you, seeing as you’re in a potentially limitless version of one of the largest home
retailers in the world, you have plenty of options for arming yourself.
While grabbing enough large, heavy objects to turn yourself into a Swedish, flat-pack
Conan The Barbarian may seem like a good idea, we personally recommend keeping it a little
simpler.
Having a light loadout allows for speedy movement and manoeuvrability, so what could be better
than the blades of an Ikea 365+ three-piece kitchen knife set and a sturdy claw hammer
from the 17-piece Fixa tool kit?
While trying to avoid The Staff at night is probably your best option, if one of them
does somehow end up getting all up-close and personal, it likely won’t survive getting
a kitchen knife rammed through its faceless skull.
Thankfully, you at least have the element of stealth on your side, as Staff constantly
repeat the phrase “The store is now closed, please exit the building" while in attack
mode.
Even if you don’t have a chance to run and hide, that’ll at least give you a window
to warm up your hammering arm.
Of course, while being able to go toe-to-toe with The Staff is definitely an essential
skill if you want to survive your SCP – 3008 experience, you can’t afford to stop there.
After all, people can spend entire years trapped in the store, and while you hope to be out
of here a lot sooner than that, it’ll probably dawn on you long before then that you can’t
survive by eating knives and hammers.
Thankfully, SCP – 3008 actually has you covered here, as there appears to be multiple
Ikea restaurants and food service areas where supplies are periodically restocked.
This is where you’ll need to restock if you don’t want to starve before you even
get a chance to escape.
But you might think, “Can I really rely on this?
After all, with a place as easy to get lost in as SCP – 3008, might it be whole days
between finding adequate food supplies?”
And good, that’s the kind of practical thinking that’ll get you out of here alive.
Thankfully, you can take some extra food with you each time with the help of an Ikea Kylväska
cooling bag and some Ikea Kylklamp cold packs.
This will give you some rations to keep with you during your travels and escape attempts,
and will also give you some valuables to exchange and trade.
That’s right, because as luck would have it, you’re far from the only one stuck in
this weird, Swedish mess.
There are actually so many people trapped in SCP – 3008 that they’ve essentially
been able to construct an entire new civilisation inside the store.
Whole townships and settlements have been built and fortified entirely with Ikea furniture,
full of thriving little populations doing what they can to get by in this strange new
world.
If you’re thinking, “I don’t have time to make friends, I want to get out of here
as soon as possible”, you might as well hand yourself over to The Staff now and get
your mauling over with.
As the old truism goes, “There’s safety in numbers.”
And even the luckiest people to escape SCP – 3008 have, at the very least, spent a
few weeks inside.
In that time, unless you want to go insane or die from exhaustion, you’re gonna need
to sleep.
If you try the lone wolf method and sleep on one of the display beds out in the open,
you’re extremely vulnerable to attacks from The Staff while you sleep.
But if you manage to get yourself to one of the human settlements inside SCP – 3008
and start making some friends, you’ll have the benefit of cover while you rest and sleep
– so long as you’re willing to help return the favour from time to time.
People holed up in these fortified settlements have observed that, at least a few nights
each week, The Staff are likely to swarm and attack said settlements in large numbers.
When that happens, if you want to survive, you’re gonna need to help your human allies
hold the line against the oncoming horde of faceless monsters by any means necessary.
And after each battle, you’ll need to help your new friends haul the Staff corpses to
elsewhere in the store.
Detecting even part of one of their own in your settlement’s proximity can cause them
to frenzy and launch even more brutal attacks, which – as someone who wants to survive
this whole thing – you really do not want.
With all these other issues – from food to social interaction and rest to successfully
fighting off The Staff – squared away, it’s time to move on to the main event: Actually
escaping this place.
As we stated before, while it isn’t easy, it can be done – you just need to be both
persistent and tactical about it.
First of all, it’s best to communicate with some of your fellow humans trapped in SCP
– 3008, to see if any of them can recall any memorable details about when they first
entered the anomalous zone.
Another key marker in attempting to escape this place is SCP Foundation drones.
The Foundation has been using remote-controlled recon drones to explore the interior of SCP
– 3008, and tracking the movements and directions of these drones may make it a little easier
to find a way out of here.
Finally, it’s time to put boots on the ground and actually find your way to one of the exits.
It would be productive to team up with some trusted humans and form an expedition party,
allowing you to collectively carry more supplies and defend one another if night falls and
you’re left vulnerable to attacks from The Staff.
But in a place that could potentially be infinite, and in a store with as confusing a layout
as Ikea, how can you be sure you’re not just walking around in circles?
Simple.
All you need to do is get your hands on plenty of Ikea Behandla black glazing paint and some
Ikea Fixa paint brushes.
If you paint a black line down each aisle you explore, you suddenly have a route that
you can both double back on to a settlement if necessary, and ensure you won’t be going
in circles.
Almost like the classic Hansel and Gretel bread crumb trail.
You can perform more expeditions every day, pushing out a little further each time, covering
and marking out more ground.
If you follow the rest of the instructions here, you’ll stay well-fed, well-rested,
survive The Staff, and maybe even make some friends, but most importantly, you’ll have
a much higher chance of finally escaping this flat-pack nightmare.
There have been reports that the exit will occasionally disappear and reappear, but don’t
let that worry you.
If you remain persistent and don’t let yourself get disheartened, you’ll find that exit
someday.
When that eventually does happen, you and your party will likely be greeted, detained,
and debriefed by some SCP Foundation Field Operatives.
Once you’ve delivered all relevant information over to them, you’ll be given SCP Foundation
Amnestics and be made to forget the whole thing ever even happened.
The Foundation will transport you back to your under-furnished room safe and sound,
with nothing but a lingering thought that it might just be better to do all your furniture
shopping online in future…
Check out our “You Vs” playlist for more exciting videos on how to defeat some of pop
culture’s biggest badasses, monsters, heroes, and psychopaths.