( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: ROLLING BABY.
>> I LOVE THAT GUY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT APPLIED TO BE A
WRITER ON MY LATE-NIGHT SHOW BACK IN THE EARLY 1990s.
HE WASN'T READY THEN, BUT A SPOT JUST OPENED UP.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO HIM, SEE IF HE'S GOT WHAT IT TAKES.
I'VE BEEN TOLD HE'S MADE SOME PROGRESS IN THE BUSINESS.
PLEASE WELCOME STEPHEN COLBERT.
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
HAVE YOU HERE.
>> Stephen: SO HAPPY-- I'M A BIG FAN.
I'VE BEEN A FAN FOR AGES.
>> WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT ME!" YOU BELIEVE, I REALLY-- I
REALLY-- I THINK YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO.
>> Stephen: I AM NEEDY.
>> YOU'RE NEEDY.
>> Stephen: AND WHEN I'M NOT WITH THE AUDIENCE, I GET
PANICKING.
>> YOU GET PANICKY -- >> Stephen: I GET A LITTLE
DEPRESSED WHEN I CAN'T STAND IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AND TELL
THEM JOKES AND GET LAUGHS.
I GET A LITTLE-- I GET A LITTLE-- I GET DEPRESSED.
I GET DEPRESSED.
I GET LONELY.
THEY'RE MY ONLY FRIENDS, CONAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I'M CURIOUS, WHAT'S THAT LIKE
TO BE A NEEDY PERFORMER WHO'S ONLY HAPPY WHEN THEY'RE GETTING
LAUGHS AND WOULD YOU WANT IT THEIR SHALLOW AND EMPTY.
I WANT TO EXPLORE THAT WORLD BECAUSE IT'S A MYSTERY TO ME.
>> Stephen: IT'S PROFITABLE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'VE TURNED-- I'VE TURNED MY MENTAL ILLNESS INTO A
BUSINESS MODEL.
>> YOU KNOW THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT MY FATHER SAID TO ME ABOUT 15
YEARS AGO.
HE WAS WATCHING ME PERFORM.
AND HE SAID, "OH, I UNDERSTAND NOW.
YOU'VE TAKEN SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE TREATED AND TURNED IT
INTO AN OCCUPATION."
>> Stephen: DID HE REALLY SAY THAT?
>> YES, HE DID.
I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON BACK HERE.
YOU'RE NOT A PEOPLE PERSON BECAUSE YOU DOUSE YOURSELF WITH
PURELL AFTER EACH-- IS THIS WHAT YOU DO --
>> Stephen: NOTICE, BEFORE, THIS IS REAL.
YOU DON'T HAVE THIS BEHIND YOUR DESK?
>> I HAVE A HAZMAT CHAMBER THEY GO INTO.
WHENEVER I'M DONE WITH A GUEST, AND I'M LIKE, "THANKS A LOT,
MR. T.," I GO INTO A SPECIAL CHAMBER, AND THEN I'M DOUSED
WITH VARIOUS LIGHTS, LIQUIDS, GASES, CREAMS, AND OILS.
>> Stephen: I HAVE THIS BACK THERE TO PROTECT MY GUESTS
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GET MY GUESTS SICK.
I AM ALWAYS OPERATE IEG DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DEAL WITH YOUR SHOW
AFTER 25 YEARS.
BUT THIS IS BREAKING ME.
>> IT'S BREAKING YOU.
>> Stephen: IT'S BREAKING MY ENDOCRINE SYSTEM AND I'M SICK
ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY THAT.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY, "IT'S BREAKING MY ENDOCRINE SYSTEM."
THAT MADE SOME OF US FEEL NOT SO SMART.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: REALLY, CONAN O'BRIEN.
>> REALLY.
>> Stephen: REALLY, MR. HARVARD.
>> I KNEW YOU'D PULL THAT!
>> Stephen: IT'S AN ENDOCRINE--
>> IT WAS A DIFFERENT HARVARD.
IT WAS THE HARVARD DRIVING SCHOOL.
SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: THE BEST, THE BEST.
>> I CAN PARALLEL PARK.
SUMMA IN PARALLEL PARKING.
>> Stephen: IT'S BETTER THAN YALE DIESEL MECHANICS.
I DON'T WANT TO GET MY GUESTS SICK.
I OFTEN HAVE A COLD AND I DON'T WANT TO GET MY GUESTS SICK.
>> THOS VERY WISE.
>> Stephen: I'M BEING VERY THOUGHTFUL, CONAN.
YOU'RE TYPHOID MARY OVER ON YOUR SHOW.
YOU'RE LIKE, "COME HERE!
COME HERE, OLDEST MAN IN THE WORLD."
>> HELLO, DAME JUDI DENCH!
"I DIDN'T REALLY DO IT.
>> Stephen: YOU REALLY-- YOU REALLY-- I WANT PLAYBACK.
JIM,IMENT PLAYBACK ON THAT.
>> I COMMIT AS A PERFORMER.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS LIKE WATCHING A METEOR SHOWER.
IS THIS MINE?
>> IT WAS YOURS BUT NOW IT'S GOT MY
♪ IN IT, BUT GO AHEAD.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE GOOD.
>> HOW DO YOU COME DOWN FROM A SHOW?
WHEN I DO A SHOW, I GET A LOT OF ENERGY FROM IT, AND I COME HOME,
AND MY FAMILY ISN'T INTERESTED-- THEY'RE NOT.
THEY DON'T WANT HYPERACTIVE CONAN AT HOME.
THEY DON'T-- WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU HAVE A LOVELY FAMILY.
HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT -- >> Stephen: THIS IS HOW I DO
IT.
I LIVE IN PHILLY.
IT TAKES ME THREE HOURS TO GET THERE.
>> RIGHT.
>BY THE TIME I GETTHERE, I JUST BED.
MY CHILDREN HAVEN'T SEEN ME SINCE 2005.
WHAT DO I DO?
UHHH... I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I'M UNPLEASANT.
WHEN I FIRST GET HOME-- >> ME, TOO.
I'M UNPLEASANT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE SECRET.
FIND SOMEBODY WHO WILL STAY WITH YOU REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT
YOU'RE REALLY HARD TO BE WITH.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND THAT IS THIS FALL, I CELEBRATED 25 YEARS WITH
MY WIFE, OUR 25th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY WAS COMING UP.
AND WHEN WE FIRST STARTED--
THANK YOU.
SHE PUTS UP WITH ME.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.
AND WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING SHE LIVED IN NEW YORK AND I
LIVED IN CHICAGO.
AND THERE WAS NO INTERNET.
WE COULDN'T AFFORD TELEPHONE CALLS.
SO WE WROTE EACH OTHER LETTERS ALMOST EVERY DAY.
WE HAVE HUNDREDS OF LETTERS TO EACHING.
>> THAT'S SO COOL.
YOU'RE LIKE A CIVIL WAR VETERAN.
>> Stephen: VERY MUCH SO.
SAD VIOLINS PLAY WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT IT.
"MY DEAREST LORRAINE..." AND SO FOR-- THEY'VE BEEN PACKED AWAY
IN THIS BOX-- SHE HAD A VERY PRETTY LITTLE BOX THAT SHE PUT
THIM NAWL AND SHE PUT THEM SOMEWHERE BACK IN THEATIC.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY WERE, AND I WANTED TO GET THEM TO GET
A FEW OUT TO READ TO EACH OTHER ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY WERE.
AND SHE KNOWS WHERE EVERYTHING IS BUT I CAN'T ASK HER BECAUSE
IT'S GOT TO BE A SURPRISE.
SO I THOUGHT-- I'M WALKING UP THE STEPS AND I THOUGHT HOW CAN
I ASK HER WHERE THEY ARE?
AND WE FIRST STARTED DATING IS WHEN I APPLIED TO BE A WRITER ON
YOUR FIRST SHOW.
>> 1993.
>> Stephen: WE WERE MARRIED THE MONTH YOU CAME ON THE AIR,
OCTOBER 1993.
AND I THOUGHT, I KNOW, "HEY, HON.
>> GOT A CALL FROM CONAN LAST NIGHT."
AND SHE GOES, "WHAT DID HE WANT?"
AND I SAID, "REMEMBER HOW I APPLIED TO BE A WRITER ON
CONAN'S SHOW AND HE DIDN'T HIRE ME AND I DON'T RESENT HIM AT
ALL."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT.
YOU TALK ABOUT IT A LOT.
( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE HE IS ENDING HIS PRESENT SHOW, AND HE'S GOING TO CHANGE
UP THE SHOW."
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND FOR THE END OF HIS SHOW, HE'S GOING TO
ACTUALLY-- HE'S HAVING PEOPLE WHO SUBMITTED TO HIS ORIGINAL
SHOW-- HE'S GOING TO SAY LOOK AT MY 25 YEARS-- AND COME ON AND
READ SOME OF THE ORIGINAL PITCHES TO ORIGINAL SHOW.
HE WANTS ME TO READ IT AT MY DESK.
I CAN'T FIND THE ORIGINAL PITCHES."
SHE SAID, "WHERE WILL THEY BE?" AND I SAID, "THE LAST TIME I SAW
THEM, THEY WERE IN THE SAME BOXES OF THE LETTERS WE WROTE TO
EACH OTHER."
AND SHE SAID, "YOU'LL HAVE TO PUT ON A HEAD LAMP, YOU'LL SEE
THE KIDS, IT'S IN THE BASSINET, BEHIND THERE, IT'S LABELED IN
THE BOX, BUT IT'S AT THE BOTTOM."
I GO, "GREAT."
I GO GET THEM, COME OUT, HIDE THE THINGS FROM HER.
AND I SAID, "I COULDN'T FIND IT.
I COULDN'T FIND THE CONAN STUFF.
I'LL HAVE TO LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE."
AND THE NEXT DAY YOU ANNOUNCED YOU WERE CHANGING YOUR SHOW.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW.
I MADE THAT UP AS A LIE TO MY WIFE.
>> I-- I CHANGED THE SHOW TO JUSTIFY THE LIE SO YOU WOULDN'T
GET CAUGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
>> I'M A VERY GOOD MAN.
MAYBE THE BEST MAN EVER.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
THIS REALLY DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HEY!
>> GOOD LUCK...
( WHISTLES ) YOU'LL GET A GIG.
NETWORK'S EASY.
STEPHEN COLBERT, EVERYBODY!