- God and just when you think it stops
it just starts up again.
Yeah, I'm ready for it to be done.
(light music)
- Today we're doing a simulation of hearing voices.
- I have never done anything like this before.
- I'm doing the simulation today for my brother.
He was diagnosed with schizophrenia recently.
- I have a few family members
who have delit with schizophrenia.
I'd like to understand how big the gulf
between the way I experience the world and the way
someone with schizophrenia would experience the world.
- My nae is Autumn and I am schizophrenic.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2015.
I can particularly identify
two different voices from my past.
One is a kind of raspy, masculine, deep, dark voice
that usually says my name multiple times
and another voice usually tells me to go different places.
I've heard up to five different voices at one time
all talking about different subjects
and crowding my head in chaos.
It is already hard enough for people with schizophrenia
to deal with it every single day.
Try to understand our situation
and how it might be from our point of view.
- I guess I'm expecting a new understanding.
- I'm feeling a little nervous about this, I gotta say.
I hope it provides a different perspective.
- [Recording] I said you stop it now.
Look at it, eyes are everywhere.
Filthy, filthy filthy, the smell of it.
No good, that's right, absolutely.
- I'm gonna start the auditory hallucination simulator
and then just try to do some basic household chores.
I just started it and I gotta say it's really creepy.
I was gonna try to put away some dishes
but I can't really focus.
- There's a lot of whisper, there's a lot of
oh my gosh, this is really creepy.
- So I'm like 10 minutes in right now
and it's seriously like terrifying
but I only take solace in the sorry, I can't think.
I know it's a simulation and I know I could
take the headphones off at any time
but I'm determined to keep them on,
at the same time very freaked out.
That's hard to articulate.
- Now I really feel like I can't get sentences out.
One of them just told me I was disgusting.
- I tried going for a walk to kind of pass the time.
I gotta say being outside in an environment
that isn't where I live but I can't really control fully
is even more terrifying.
- As I'm seeing all of this I'm listening
through all of this and I'm kind of just experiencing
how hard it is to put sentences together,
how hard it is to talk or explain or do anything.
- I know it's a simulation but some of the cruelty
really resonates, really hits home.
Okay, so I'm just lying in bed now.
It's the only thing that feels comfortable
is just lying in total darkness, I'm ready to be done.
I finished the auditory hallucination simulator
about five minutes ago.
I feel like I still hear it.
- I just did a short meditation here at home.
I would not have been able to do that
with the audio on at all.
It takes a lot to listen through the voices.
- So it's the next day.
Some of the more cruel phrases like you eat shit
or you stink, you hear it over and over and over
and over and over again and it starts to really affect you.
It wore me out.
- I do feel closer to my brother now.
This was a great eye opening experience.
- I still would not willingly go through
something like that again.
It's allowed me to access that empathy for them.
- It's our job to learn more.
- If I could say anything to people
who do not have schizophrenia, I would just
like to tell them to not judge others so harshly.
We are mostly just misunderstood.
We are able to make a living, we are able to raise families,
and I hope that one day everyone in the world
is able to see that.
(light piano music)