- Two fucking stories from my car,
I broke through trees,
I've got no fuckin' pants on, there's blood everywhere,
and I'm in a sewage slime shit soaked--
'cause I don't want to touch germs.
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host Roy Wood, Jr.
Now, tonight's episode--it's not for the faint of heart.
In fact, you might even want to cover your ears.
[jazz band plays note] Because tonight...
♪ ♪
♪ It's about to get filthy ♪
♪ Dirty, maybe just a little purdy ♪
♪ It's about to be freaky ♪
♪ Nasty ♪
♪ Gonna make you want to touch yourself ♪
♪ I'm talking 'bout smut ♪
♪ Talking 'bout sluts ♪
♪ Talking 'bout putting stuff in your butts ♪
♪ It's gonna get icky ♪
♪ Tricky ♪
♪ It's about to get a little sticky ♪
♪ If you think you can play ball ♪
♪ Stick around, it's about to go down ♪
♪ Let's talk about filth ♪
♪ Yeah, taking it from behind ♪
♪ Dicks and tits and balls and clits and assholes ♪
♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ Let me hear you say taint ♪ - Taint!
- ♪ Ah, masturbate ♪ - Masturbate!
- ♪ Snail trail ♪ - Snail trail!
- ♪ Dutch oven! ♪ - Dutch oven!
- ♪ Out comes the shotgun ♪ - Shotgun!
- ♪ Golden shower ♪ - Golden shower!
- ♪ The cha-cha ♪ - The cha-cha!
- ♪ Rusty trombone, Rusty trombone ♪
♪ Girl on girl on guy on guy ♪
♪ Just don't get it in your eye ♪
♪ Here we go, filth! ♪
- Yeah, girl.
[cheers and applause]
- This man needs no introduction,
he is a judge on "America's Got Talent,"
Howie Mandel!
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is, uh--this is-- oh, shit.
This is a pole. This is--
Fuck. You have no idea, this is--
I didn't know. I--okay.
I'm gonna--we're supposed to tell a story.
Th--this is not happening.
And the truth is, this is a show I've watched.
I've watched-- I watch this show,
and I love it, and I say, "I got stories!
"I could be on--" And I watched it
on Comedy Central, and I said, "Look at this,
"kind of a cool set, and it's just a cool vibe.
I'll do it! I'll do it!"
And I just showed f--
This is not a set!
[laughter]
This is--I'm just-- You know because you're--
They don't know!
Fuck it, this is not happening.
I'm a germophobe!
I'm a fucking-- This is a real--
This is a fucking strip club, and this...
[laughter]
This is real, and I-- maybe you're noticing this, I--
People who know-- I've been in the business
for, like, years, 40 years--
I just got glasses this year. I just got glasses,
because my wife said, "You missed the sign." And I--
I saw the sign, it's the words on the sign that I didn't--
So she said, "Go to an optometrist."
I said, "I don't have an optometrist!
I don't have-- I've never been!"
I never went. I don't shake hands.
I don't want to be touched.
I'm traum-- I went to the--
And he said, "You're fucking blind.
You're blind."
I didn't know that. I was--
I've been a judge for eight years
on a talent show, I can't see a fucking thing.
[laughter]
This is the first year I've ever worn--
And you don't understand, I'm so fucking freaked out,
and now I can see clear-- I can see the shit on the pole.
[laughter]
They brought me to this room before you got here,
and they said, "The best light is right here."
I don't want to be right here. I want to be in the dark.
I want to be way in the dark.
I don't want to be anywhere near the fucking pole.
What--
What kind of stains-- what is this?
What is-- Why not at the end of the night
just shooting this here now,
why wouldn't you just sponge that off?
Why is that there?
I'm not-- It's not fucking funny.
You're laughing!
This is not my story.
This story is not one I'm telling.
This is a story that is fucking happening now.
This is a story I'm gonna tell on another show later.
Why--This is a whole fuckin' room!
Why do I have to stand beside this fuck--
What are these stains?
They're not even human shapes.
What was wrapped around-- Oh, my God.
Oh, you have no idea. I won't wipe my own ass.
I don't wipe my-- I don't.
You know how I knew I made it?
I bought one of those toilets, I bought a toilet--
I walk in, the do-- It opens, it's, "Hello, Howie."
It says hello, and I sit down,
and then it's like a power wash and a dry.
I won't touch myself. I don't want to be near here.
[laughter]
I got here an hour ago. I have to piss.
I won't go in the bathroom.
Are you guys shooting the whole body?
'Cause if you are, I won't piss.
But if you just shoot me from the waist up, I'll piss.
I will piss on this fucking show,
and they'll say, "This is not happening."
[laughter]
I'm gonna urinate,
because I'm not going in that fucking room there.
I don't want to touch anything. I never have.
I'm not good in normal life.
I have three children.
I didn't want to touch the children when we had them.
No, I didn't. We had-- My first one was a girl.
She's potty trained. I say that with pride.
Like she, I didn't even want to potty train her, because--
not because I didn't want to be involved
in anything that had to do with the bathroom,
but also because I thought-- I have brothers.
And I was so afraid of raising a woman, raising a girl,
and I would be so nervous each and every night,
to just worry about, is she gonna be brought home safely?
So my brilliant idea was, like, to not potty train her,
because I know, just from my own experience,
when I was dating, if a woman shit herself,
I took her right home-- I always did.
I always did. Always did.
I would crack the window, and say, "We're going home.
We're going home."
That's how I am. That's how I am.
So--but my wife was really into potty training
'cause she wants to be like everyone else.
So--so I took no part in it, and it was weird,
because I--because of that,
I didn't have a lot of interaction
with my own first child, and I wanted to have interaction.
So my wife says to me-- like, she's saying to me
like, when she's one and two years old,
"You got to take her out. You got to--
"You have to interact.
"You have to create a bond with your own child,
with your own--" So I strategically,
because I'm thinking, like, I don't want to go
into a public restroom for my-- with myse--
I don't want to put-- I don't want to take her
into a public-- and as a little baby girl,
you would have to take her into the--
I couldn't walk into the ladies' room.
I'd have to walk into the-- into the men--
I don't want to sit her on that,
and there isn't enough paper to--
I would put enough paper so that when she was sitting,
she'd be eye to eye with me. I would want--I would put--
just to be safe.
So--but I said, "I don't want to--"
So this is my strategy. You want to hear what I did?
I waited. I waited till she crapped, till she pissed,
till I visually saw my wife clean her all up
and dress her, and I said to my wife, like,
"You know what? I'm gonna take her out."
I just like that-- She had no idea.
"Really? Just like that?" "Just like that."
She had no idea I had been watching.
So I put my daughter in the car,
and I put her in the--in the seats, and I strap her in,
'cause safety first.
And we're going down the Ventura Freeway.
I'm driving down the Ventura Freeway,
and she says, "Da-da--" And it's so cute when you--
And I said, "Yes?" Jackie is her name.
And I said, "Yes?"
And she says, "I have to go potty."
The fuck? You just--
You just went. I didn't say that out loud.
But in my mind, I'm going, "What the fuck?
"Why would you-- Why wouldn't you--
"You did! I saw!
"And fuck it, you're wearing a diaper!
"Why are you telling me?
Just shit yourself, and I'll act--"
But you can't make those kind of plans with children.
Anyway, so she says, "Daddy, I want to go to the potty."
And I know how important it was to my wife
to continue the--
So I said, 'cause I don't want her to suffer in any way,
I said, "Fine, I'll take you home."
So I turned around on the Ventura Freeway.
This is a true--I swear to God.
And I'm driving, down the Ventura Freeway west,
and she says, "I'm gonna go--
I can't hold it, Daddy, I'm gonna go now."
And I said, "Don't-- No! Don't go n--"
She go, "I'm gonna go now!" I said, "Don't! Don't!"
And then she cried because I yelled, but...
I pulled over to the side of the road,
'cause I don't think things through--
just like doing this appearance on this show.
I had no idea. You could tell.
Shit just happens. So--and I unbuckle her,
and I take this beautiful baby girl,
my first little baby girl, and I take her out of the--
and on the Ventura Freeway.
For those that don't live in California,
there's, like--there's a part where there's, like, hedges.
There's, like--there's like trees along the side.
So I go, "This will be nice, maybe it's a bonding--
it's kind of like a camping trip."
So I--I--
I figure we'll go into the bushes.
We'll go into the bushes.
So I get out, I'm holding the little baby,
and I step into the bushes, right?
'Cause I'm gonna--we got to be covered, we got to be--
Okay, so these were not bushes.
Apparently,
these were the top of trees from way down below.
[audience groaning]
This was a fucking ravine. I didn't know!
I stepped off the cliff
and then began to tumble.
Yes! Yes!
I'm holding a fucking baby girl,
and now I'm on my back...
[screaming]
Screaming! I don't know what to do,
and I'm sliding.
And twigs are breaking, and shit is happening.
My pants got caught on something and ripped off!
I have no fucking pants on.
My skin, my flesh is being removed from my thighs.
Blood is everywhere.
I'm screaming. She's screaming.
Trees are breaking.
Finally, I land at the bottom in a--
in a--in a puddle of goo.
There was a--
I think it was like a sewage--
like a runoff.
Two fucking stories from my car,
I broke through trees,
I've got no fuckin' pants on, there's blood everywhere,
and I'm in a sewage slime shit soaked--
'cause I don't want to touch germs.
[laughter]
And she's crying, she's crying.
She goes, "Daddy, I have to go!"
So I go, "Okay!"
And my wife--this is the part why would you put--
why would any girl ever be dressed in a onesie?
A fucking onesie! It's not--
It's not convenient.
So I undo the onesie,
and I pull it down by her ankles,
and I'm holding her in front of me.
And her legs are straight down, and she goes,
"Daddy, I'm gonna make a mess on my pants."
This is the part that's a problem--
I was not raised around women.
I only had brothers.
And I was trying to be helpful, so I said,
"Honey, honey, honey, you won't get it on your pants.
Put your feet up on my neck."
Why do you know? Why do you know?
I didn't know! I didn't know!
Her feet are up on my neck, and I go, "Go!"
And she starts to go like a fucking horse into my face!
She's pissing, my eyes are stinging from urine.
I'm choking on piss. [imitates choking]
I'm choking, I've got no pants on,
my legs are bleeding, I am in this sewage.
It's stinking and rotting,
and there's dead fucking rats around.
And she's pissing all over my face
and her own pants, and she's crying,
because there's a mess.
It's not fucking funny. This is true.
This happened. This fucking happened.
And I--I--I--I--
So she said, "My pants are dir--"
Your pants are dirty? I don't have fucking pants on!
So she makes me take off her pants, she's naked.
I don't want to touch anything,
I throw it into the fucking swamp.
She's naked, and now I got to make my way back to the car.
And I start to climb. I am not--I am not--
I'm Jewish, and there aren't a lot
of Jewish mountain climbers.
I don't know if you know the Biblical story.
We're not swimmers, we're not mountain--
We walked in the desert for 40 fuckin' years.
We got to a river, we wouldn't even take a dip.
We waited for it to part, a fuckin' miracle,
so we can walk--
You got to understand.
That's not my culture. That's not--
That's not what we do, okay?
So I start to climb, and I grab one twig, and I grab another.
And my legs are burning and there's urine,
and there's blood, and there's shit in that swamp.
There's a scum on the top!
I don't even know what that scum--
what forms on the top of a fuckin' puddle in the Valley?
But anyway, so I'm climbing,
and then the fuckin' twig breaks,
and I slide back down, and we're in the mud again.
Now she's covered in mud and her own urine
and some of my blood, and she's screaming.
And then I go and I find another path.
And I get halfway up, and I slide back down.
- Oh! - Don't say, "Oh!"
It doesn't help if you say, "Oh!"
I'm reliving it. Please!
[laughter]
Just listen to the fucking story.
I hope this--none of this is really happening,
and this is a dream, and I wake up, and this didn't happen.
But anyway, so and then I find-- and then I climb again.
I get halfway up, and I slide down,
and halfway up, and I slide down,
and finally after what seems like an eternity,
but is probably 45 minutes since my daughter pissed,
I make my way to the top,
and I break out of these branches,
and I'm on the Ventura Freeway,
which is probably the busiest freeway
in all of North America.
And I walk out, and I'm holding a baby
who is screaming and crying and naked little girl,
covered in mud and urine and blood,
and I'm not wearing pants.
And I'm soaked, and I'm bleeding,
and I'm fucking mad and angry.
And I come out, and I'm, like, 200 yards from my car.
I'm nowhere near our car!
And I walk out, and just as I walk out
holding this little girl,
a car slows down in front of me,
and the guy looks at me, like, closely.
And I go, "Shit."
And he goes,
"Are you Howie Mandel?"
[laughter and applause]
And I went, "No!"
And he drove off.
That is the last time I took out my daughter.
She just turned 32 last week, and we went out for dinner
for the first time since.
[applause]
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
- Howie Mandel, everybody.
[cheers and applause]