LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS CURRENTLY THE LONGEST
SERVING LATE-NIGHT HOST ON TV.
HE'S THE OLD MAN IN THE MOUNTAIN.
HE'S THE MANDARIN WITHOUT MELONIN.
PLEASE WELCOME CONAN O'BRIEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
EVERYBODY HAVE A SEAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
WELCOME BACK TO THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
>> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) 'RTHAI.
PLEASE, SIR, YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING.
>> Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU WERE WITH DAVE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID LETTERMAN.
>> Stephen: I REMEMBER, YEAH.
>> IT WAS A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO-- FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO
CONGRATULATE YOU.
YOU'RE DOING AN AMAZING JOB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: OH, THANKS VERY MUCH.
>> I MEAN THAT FROM MY HEART.
I NEVER MISS A SHOW.
I CAUGHT TUESDAY'S SHOW, TRACEY ELLIS ROSS, I THINK IT WAS.
>> Stephen: YES, THANKS, THANKS, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY-- THAT NIGHT, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, I
WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
>> I KNEW IT!
>> Stephen: YEAH, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.
>> I WAS WATCHING THE TV SO HARD THAT NIGHT, AND I COULD SEE I
WAS GETTING INTO YOUR HEAD!
YEAH.
AND I WAS ALL THE WAY BACK IN L.A.!
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> WHERE I WAS ON TUESDAY.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
YOU KNOW.
TALK ABOUT THIS WITH TIG NOTARO, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT.
TALK WITH THIS ABOUT HER.
SHE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU, I HEARD.
>> I SAW HER BACK STAGE.
SHE'S THE NEXT ONE ON.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
BY THE WAY, I KNOW YOU'RE A FAN OF DAVE'S.
I'M A HUGE FAN OF DAVE'S.
>> THIS IS DAVE LETTERMAN, AGAIN, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DAVID LETTERMAN.
ALSO, DAVE, THE GUY FROM WENDY'S.
>> YES!
WENDY'S HAS THE BEST BURGER.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE SQUARE.
>> DAVID LETTERMAN.
WE ALL GRIEWG UP REVERING DAVID LETTERMAN.
>> Stephen: YOU WROTE A LOVELY TRIBUTE TO HIM ON E.W.
>> AS HE WAS DEPARTING THIS STAGE, I WANTED TO WRITE AN
APPRECIATION PIECE, SO I WROTE A PIECE ABOUT DAVE --
>> Stephen: DID YOU EVER HEAR FROM HIM?
DID HE EVER SAY, "THANKS FOR THAT?"
>> I DID HEAR FROM HIM, YES.
I DID HEAR FROM HIM.
WHAT HAPPENED IS I WROTE THIS NICE APPRECIATION PEOPLE
PIECEFOR DAVE AND I JUST SAID HOW MUCH HE MEANT TO ME AND ALL
THE COMEDIANS OF MY GENERATION.
AND THEN WORD CAME BACK THAT DAVE APPRECIATED WHAT I HAD
WRITTEN, AND THAT HE'D BE SENDING ME SOMETHING MY WAY.
AND I WAS LIKE, THIS IS-- I MEAN --
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> I WAS EXCITED AND I THOUGHT THIS IS GOING TO BE AN AMAZING
BOTTLE OF WINE, CHOCOLATES, HUMMEL FIGURINES THAT ARE HARD
TO FINE, SOMETHING REALLY EXTRAORDINARY EXPICHES LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.
I THOUGHT THIS WILL BE COOL.
SO IT'S THE NEXT DAY, AND IT'S AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW.
I CAN TALK TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A FELLOW HOST.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AN HOUR BEFORE THE SHOW, YOU'RE CONCENTRATING, YOU'RE
GETTING READY -- >> Stephen: YEAH, A PRESSURE
COOKER.
>> YOUR BODY IS BEING WAXED, OILED --
>> Stephen: YOU'RE BEING LOWERED INTO THE SUIT.
>> YEAH, EXACTLY.
AND THE WARDROBE GUY, "STOP EATING!"
( LAUGHTER ) AND I HEAR THERE'S A TRUCK
THAT'S TRYING TO GET ON TO THE WARNER BROTHERS LOT IN EXPLZ WAS
HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING ON THE LOT.
AND I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" THEY SAID, IT'S TOO WIDE.
THE TRUCK IS SO BIG IT CAN'T GET ON THE LOT AND IT'S CARRYING THE
GIFT FROM DAVE."
MY MIND STARTS TO GO NUTS.
BECAUSE YOU AND I, WE'VE DONE WELL.
BUT WE'VE DONE OKAY.
THIS GUY -- >> Stephen: IT'S DAVE.
>> IT'S DAVE!
HE OWNS THE ENTIRE STATE OF MONTANA, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
HE HAD THE WHOLE THING WAXED.
>> HE HAS-- HE'S A VERY WEALTHY MAN AND HE'S GOT, YOU KNOW, HIS
FINGERS IN EVERY POT, IF THAT'S EVEN AN EXPRESSION!
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT.
>> IT'S NOT.
THAT WAS TERRIBLE.
I'M SORRY.
>> Stephen: UNLESS THE POT HAS PIE IN IT.
>> IT'S TUESDAY.
IT'S EARLY IN THE WEEK AND I HAVE TROUBLE-- IT'S WEDNESDAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S FRLDZ.
>> WE'LL FIX THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NO!
YOU DON'T EDIT THAT OUT!
YOU KEEP THAT IN!
THAT'S THE MAGIC!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN, COLBERT!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: SO, THE TRUCK
CAN'T GET ON THE LOT.
>> HE'S GETTING ME BACK ON TRACK.
ALL RIGHT.
TRUCK CAN'T GET ON THE LOT, AND I'M GOING CRAZY.
BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE, HE'S A CAR GUY.
THIS GUY HAS PORSCHES.
I'M THINKING HE'S GIVING ME A VINTAGE PORSCHE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> MY MIND WENT THERE.
THIS IS AMAZING.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET THE CRAZY LEATHER GLOVES.
THEN THEY TELL ME IT'S HERE, IT'S READY.
I WALK DOWNSTAIRS OUTSIDE MY STAGE.
TWO COWBOYS IN FULL CHAPS, COWBOY HATS, HOLDING THE
BIGGEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL HORSE-- HORSE-- HORSE!
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE EVER SEEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DO YOU RIDE
HORSES?
>> NO!
I DON'T RIDE HORSES!
AND HERE'S THE THING, THEY HAND ME A LOVELY NOTE FROM DAVE.
THEY SAY GOOD-BYE, AND THEY LEAVE.
LOOK AT MY EXPRESSION AFTER THEY'VE LEFT!
LOOK AT THE EXPRESSION ON MY FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A HORSE.
TURNS OUT, I LOOK INTO IT.
YOU GOTTA FEED HIM.
YOU'VE GOT TO BOARD THEM.
YOU'VE GOT TO TREAT THEM HUMANELY.
EVERYONE I TELL SAYS, "IT'S FROM DAVID LETTERMAN."
AND GUESS WHAT THE HORSE'S NAME IS?
DAVE!
THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: WAS IT REALLY DAVE?
YES, THE HORSE'S REALLY NAME IS DAVE.
>> Stephen: DOES IT ANSWER-- >> HE SEARCHED ALL OF THE WORLD
FOR A HORSE NAMED DAVE!
NARCISSISM, MAYBE, AND SO THEN --
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FARM?
>> NO, I DON'T HAVE A FARM!
( LAUGHTER ) STEPHEN, YOU KNOW ME.
I DON'T HAVE A FARM.
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER BEEN INVITED --
>> I BARELY HAVE A HOUSE.
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER BEEN INVITED TO YOUR HOUSE.
>> I'VE INVESTED VERY POORLY.
INSANITY-- I HAVE TO ROOM IT.
I HAVE TO BOARD IT.
I SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT?
DAVE GAVE ME A HORSE.
I'M GOING TO LEARN HOW TO RIDE IT.
I GO TO THE PLACE WHERE I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY TO LEARN HOW TO
RIDE IT.
AND THEY SAID I WOULDN'T GET ON THAT HORSE IF I WERE YOU.
I SAID WHY NOT?
THEY SAID THAT HORSE IS CRAZY.
THIS IS 100% TRUE.
THEY SAID THAT HORSE IS SO CRAZY, IT'S THROWN TWO PEOPLE
WHO HAVE TRIED TO RIDE IT.
IF YOU WANT CAN TO KEEP IT HERE YOU HAVE TO GET A LETTER DRAWN
UP BY A LAWYER, AN EXPENSIVE LAWYER, TO INDEMNIFY YOU IN CASE
THE HORSE HURTS SOMEBODY.
AT THIS POINT ONE OF THE CHILDREN IS NOT BEING SCHOOLED
THIS COSTS SO MUCH.
IT WAS THE BOY.
IT WASN'T GOING TO, WITH OUT ANYWAY.
HE'S GOOD WITH HIS HANDS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE THING IS, THEY SAY-- I SAY
TO THE GUY, LIKE, THIS HORSE PROBABLY GETTING KIND OF OLD,
THOUGH, RIGHT?
HE WENT, "OH, NO!
THIS IS A YOUNG HORSE.
IT'S GOING TO LIVE A LONG TIME!" ( LAUGHTER )
I'M GOING INSANE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
IT'S DRANK-- IT COSTS A FORTUNE, AND I HAVE THE HORSE FOR TWO
YEARS.
FINALLY, MY WIFE CRACKS IT, GOD BLESS HER.
SHE FOUND A PLACE-- AND THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
I HAVE THE REAL WEBSITE, WHERE THE HORSE CAN LIVE-- IT'S AN
EQUINE MASSAGE CENTER WHERE-- THIS IS REAL.
THINK FOUR SEASONS RESORT FOR HORSE.
WE DONATED THE HORSE.
AND WHAT HAPPENS IS STUDENTS MASSAGE THE HORSE ALL DAY LONG
SO IT LEARNS-- SO THEY LEARN HOW TO MASSAGE A HORSE.
AND SO -- >> Stephen: BUT IT'S AN INSANE
HORSE.
>> IT'S AN INSANE HORSE, BUT NO ONE IS RIDING IT.
IT'S GETTING MASSAGED ALL DAY LONG.
IF I WAS THE HORSE, I WOULD BE SUSPICIOUS THINKING, "THEY'RE
TENDERIZING ME."
BIT NO, MASSAGE ALL DAY LONG.
THE HORSE IS IN HEAVEN.
THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF DAVE THE HORSE AT THE MASSAGE CENTER,
HAS MET AND FALLEN IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER HORSE-- COINCIDENTALLY
NAMED CHARLIE ROSE.
THAT'S A TRUE STORY!
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW!
>> THAT IS A TRUE STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) I LEARNED THEN --
>> Stephen: I DON'T-- I DON'T CARE IF IT'S TRUE OR NOT.
I INN JOYED IT SO MUCH.
>> I KNOW.
I LEARNED THEN THAT DAVE WAS A GENIUS, BUT HE'S AN EVIL GENIUS.
HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING.
>> Stephen: ( SIGHS ).
>> YOU GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE GOOD.
>> Stephen: I FEEL VERY GOOD.
>> IS THIS MINE?
>> Stephen: THAT'S YOURS RIGHT THERE.
THIS IS LIKE A VACATION.
I ASKED YOU ONE QUESTION AND WE'RE-- HOW MANY MINUTES-- WE'RE
NINE MINUTES IN TO YOUR ANSWER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN YOU GET A GUEST LIKE YOU,
HOW EXCITED ARE YOU WHEN YOU GET A GUEST LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.
I DON'T HAVE HAVE TO DO ANYTHING."
>> I DON'T GET GUESTS LIKE ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: YOU BOTH COMPLIMENTED YOURSELF AND
INSULTED YOUR SHOW.
>> I COMPLIMENTED MYSELF-- I COMPLIMENTED MYSELF WHILE
PUTTING DOWN MY SHOW, AND THEN WAVED TO A CROWD.
THAT WAS THE TRIPLE-- THAT WAS THE TRIFECTA RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S RARELY BEEN DONE.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.
STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.