Hey guys, Jeffrey here.
In this video I'm going to show you and paint you a picture of what effective
couples do when they communicate.
And I want to contrast this with what most couples do when they're communicating
and I really want you to stay until the end,
this video because I think many of us understand what to do tactics wise here
and there to create an effective communication.
But I think few of us have a very big picture idea of what the whole course of
the conversation looks like from the very beginning all the way to the very end
and by the end of the video when I'm going to give you is a very clear clarity
on how a conversation should begin,
how it should progress all the way until that resolution stage at the end of the
conversation. And like always, if you want more content and more videos,
I can equip you with the right knowledge and skills to be able to design a
thriving relationship.
Then I want you to subscribe and also click that bell button as well to be
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And before I begin,
this video also wants you to let you know that I'll be hosting a free live
masterclass.
So be sure to stay till the end of the video for the announcement on how you can
get in on that masterclass. So to begin this discussion,
I want to just compare and contrast how most couples begin conversations versus
how the healthy couples begin conversations.
So if you look at most couples right now,
what they do when they begin a conversation,
especially the difficult conversations they're gonna have,
if they go from zero hundred very quickly, they rush it,
they get straight to the point and they go hard. So for example,
if you found that your partner has been lying to you right away, you say, Hey,
I know you lied to me. I want to know why you lied to me.
So it goes higher into the acquisition into suggestions. Maybe, Hey,
here's what we should do, here's what we need to do.
And what happens is that when you go hard,
when you go to zero to a hundred like this,
it gets both people's guards up because it's shocking to people the same way.
It's shocking to you when your partner, somebody comes to you and says, Hey,
I know you lied. Your guards go up,
your defenses go up and you start bickering.
You start justifying yourself and that's when you start butting heads.
But if you look at healthy couples,
how they begin conversations as they begin softly, they start with silence.
They start with gentle physical touch.
And what they want to know here is am I calm enough to have this conversation
right now? And not only am I coming off,
is my partner on calm enough to have this conversation, and if it's not,
I want to be able to read that first before I say anything and make sure that
both of us are calm before saying anything. So healthy couples,
they take time in the beginning, they give it space,
they give it the space of silence for them to be able to read what state of mind
that partners has that what they're at as well.
And for them to be level in terms of being calm together before saying anything
and progressing things further.
The second stage where a healthy couples and most couples differ,
it's an escalation stage. So here's how most couples do it.
Most couples make a lot of statements. They make a lot of justifications,
they make a lot of corrections. Uh, they make a lot of assumptions.
So for example, they say things like, I think this, I think we should do this.
I feel this making a lot of statements. They make a lot of justification.
So let's say your partner comes to you and says, Hey,
I know you lied to me and you straight away go, no, I didn't lie.
And those statements could be coming in a form of a justification or perhaps you
make a correction. No, I didn't lie. You misunderstood me.
Here's what I was really trying to say.
And there's a lot of assumptions being made here.
And even if you do ask questions, these questions are often leading questions.
So you might ask, for example, did you like to meet because of X, right?
Those are leading questions where you're expecting a certain answer because
you've already made your assumptions before you even had the conversation.
And at this point you might even make ultimatums or state the consequences of
whatever it is that is happening in the relationship right now.
So you might say, you know, if you keep lying,
we can never have a good relationship.
I don't want to be a part of this relationship. If you keep lying, you know,
if you watch my other two videos on this topic,
you understand that making statements and starting off your conversation,
making statements, never at least do anything good for one.
Your statements mean nothing without questions first.
And your statements will make people defensive.
It'll make people's guards go up again and it will worsen this budding heads and
this bickering that you have together. And if you make statements,
the S the probability that it escalates into something, an argument,
something much more intense, it's going to be very, very high.
But here's how healthy couples escalate conversations.
They don't make statements, they ask questions.
And not only just any random questions, they ask very open ended questions.
So let's say they find that their partner made a mistake,
some mistake that ended up with really bad consequences didn't just go straight
away. Hey, I know you made a mistake next time. Don't do that. Right?
Instead what they say is, Hey, I know you made this decision. Um,
can you let me know what was your reasoning behind making a decision?
I want to understand from your perspective, can you tell me more about that?
So you see how this is much more gentle approach and it doesn't get people's
guards up because you're here to simply listen,
to simply understand from their perspective.
And when you don't get people's guards up like this,
you keep each other calm and that's a recipe for a much better conversation.
And not only do they ask questions,
they're really listening and they're really listening with the intent to repeat
and paraphrase. So if you watch my video on how to become a better listener,
I've said that you know, most people,
they try to listen with the intent of listening. But the problem is that,
you know, when we're simply listening,
we're only using 10 maybe 20% of our brain capacity and the other 80% is being
used for us to be distracted,
is being used for us to judge or to think about all these things rather than
simply listening. So while I like to tell my clients is that you know,
when you're listening, don't just listen.
Listen with the intent to repeat or paraphrase.
So you're forcing your brain to piece together information while you're
listening. And then after you listen, you're saying to your partner, okay,
if I understand you correctly, what you're saying is XYZ.
So you're confirming to your partner that you understand and you want to
continue doing this,
asking questions and repeating and paraphrasing until you can say,
I completely understand. You know, if I was in your shoes,
I would have thought and done exactly the same thing as you did.
And the healthy couples,
they don't stop asking questions until they get to this point.
But what most couples do is they skip the questions entirely and then make
statements from the get go. And this never ends. Well.
The other key difference in the way most couples communicate in the way healthy
couples communicate is in the resolution stage. So you know,
most couples when they get to the stage where it comes time for them to actually
resolve and come to a solution here of what to do next, they make impositions,
they make threats, they state consequences,
and they have this attitude of putting their foot down. So they might say,
you know what? Next time this happens, I want you to do X.
I want you to do why I'm putting my foot down.
And they might make threats to say,
this cannot happen again in the relationship. And again,
when you say it this way,
you're lessening the chances that your ideas will be taken. Well.
And second of all, when you state this as an imposition like this,
your partner may not actually agree with your solutions at all,
but because you make such a threat because you're so imposing,
they're going to simply say yes to you because not because they agree with you,
but simply they want the conversation to be over. And when you do this,
you're removing safety. You are destroying safety,
and you're going to make it much harder for you in the long run,
and you're going to cause more pent-up bitterness, pent up anger,
and just in a sweeping stuff under the rug to happen here because you're
destroying that safety in the long run.
But what healthy couples do is that whenever they're stating the resolutions or
their solutions, they're stating it as a suggestion, not as an imposition.
It comes in two parts. They're asking their partner for permission,
whether they're ready to listen to their suggestions or not. So they might ask,
Hey honey, do you want to hear what I think about this?
Do you want to hear my perspective on this?
Do you want to hear my solution to this?
And you're waiting for your partner to say yes or no,
and you might be thinking like this is such a beta male and weak thing you're
doing, asking for permission. Don't mistake this for a week thing to do.
This is actually a very,
very powerful thing to do because what you're doing here is you're letting your
partner decide emotionally herself to listen what you have to say.
You're increasing the odds that whatever you say next we'll have more power,
we'll have more weight. So this is not a weak thing to do.
This is a very smart thing to do and once your partner says yes, yes,
I wasn't ready to hear what you have to say.
You're even stating your solutions as suggestions not in position.
So the key difference here is this, here's what I think. I think X, Y, and Z.
Here's the key difference.
You're not just ending it there you are saying what do you think? So again,
you're not imposing here.
You're simply making suggestions and inviting her to consider whether your
suggestion is agreeable or not agreeable.
And you are making this more of a dialogue than it is a one way street kind of
conversation. And what happens here is that if you present it in this way,
you'll be surprised at how much more open your partner will be to actually
listening to what you have to say to hearing what you have to say and taking in
your solutions. Because again, the guards are not up, they're not defensive,
and they're more likely to take in what you have to say when they're not
defensive.
But it doesn't end there because it's one more step to this because let's say
you give your suggestion and your partner disagrees with you,
doesn't agree with your solutions.
What most couples do at this point is to get even more angry. So you might say,
why would you not agree with that? How could you not agree with that?
Doesn't it make sense? So you have this WTF kind of moment where you go,
how can you, why and how, and this creates even more impatience in you.
And in your partner and this one you guys butt heads again.
And this is usually the point when conversations really escalate to the point
where it's out of control,
but understand that if you state your solutions as suggestions,
as more of a invitation for our dialogue than it is an imposition.
Here's what usually happens. So you might say, here's what I think, X, Y, and Z,
what do you think? And your partner says, I think that's a bad idea. You know,
good couples don't panic at this.
Instead they see this as a sign that they haven't fully discovered things from
their partner's point of view yet and they ask, okay,
so you don't agree with it. Can I ask you what you're thinking there?
What are your thoughts? What,
what's your perspective and why you disagree on this?
So they don't take a disagreement SDN because again,
they're making this into a dialogue,
they're taking disagreements and looping that back into that question or
discovery mode again, the escalation phase again,
and they're starting from there again and they're slowly bringing things back up
to the solution stage again. And, but at times they'll have more information,
more discovery, and they can give another solution,
another alternative solution that they may not have thought of before and the
cycle keeps going until they find that win-win solution.
And this whole process for a healthy couple is a very, very calm process,
no butting heads. And it's a very powerful, efficient process.
While most couples think they're taking the most efficient approach of just
imposing their ideas,
going zero to a hundred from the beginning was actually the least efficient way
because it's going to cost you to butt heads to escalate the conversation into
an argument and nothing ends well.
So while most couples go through this stage of having more anger,
more disagreements, more confusion,
escalating into arguments and having less safety and making it much more
difficult for them to communicate to each other in the long run,
healthy couples are following a very different cycle where it's calm,
it's collected, it's full of understanding, less confusion,
better solutions,
and better win-win solutions and more safety so that the next time to have an
issue, both of them will know.
I can rely on myself and my partner to resolve any difference we have.
And that creates safety,
that encourages to express more and more things which leads to less
misunderstandings. And the positive cycle here keeps going up all the way.
So with that said,
if you want a free guide that outlines the five steps here of how you can start
escalate and come to a resolutions in a conversation in a much more artful way,
then you want to download the free guide and description box below this on that
topic. Exactly.
And if you want to join the free live masterclass and the five proven steps to
rebuilding new relationship from the ground up,
then you also want to check out the link in the description box below this
video.
Now this five proven steps I want to show you in this masterclass is the exact
same steps that all my students have followed and what myself has followed as
well to rebuild our relationship from the ground up.
So if you're struggling right now with your relationship and you're not sure
where to start or you're kind of confused about this million things you have to
do to fix your relationship,
this master class will help you gain a lot of clarity into the exact next steps
you need to take to start rebuilding that relationship from the ground up and
regain that trust and regain the emotional bond and intimacy you've been looking
for. So again, if that interests you,
go ahead and check out the link and description box below this video.
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leave a comment below and what you thought was most insightful or eye opening
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one. In the meantime though,
I do want you to watch this other two videos on communication, uh,
understanding the reasons why communication breaks down,
and the five key mindset shifts to better communication in the longterm.
In the meantime, I will see you in the next video.