SAMANTHA BEE: Welcome back to the show.
As we come down from the dizzying high of Women's
History Month, let's appreciate a woman
who's blazing trails right now.
JOHN FREDERICKS: There's a new Sheriff in town.
Her name is Ivanka Trump.
SAMANTHA BEE: Wrong.
Sheriffs are elected to their jobs.
Maybe you were confused by her statement necklace.
Ivanka's new job is--
I don't know.
Her father already gave the Hand of the King job
to her husband, Jared, right after he
took President's Landing.
So what king's body part will Ivanka be?
Ivanka will be the President's eyes
and ears in the White House.
SAMANTHA BEE: Yikes.
If Ivanka's supposed to be her dad's eyes,
she'll be spending a lot of time staring at her own boobies.
But give President Trump credit.
He clearly values his capable daughter more
than Sonny and Fredo there.
So tonight, we honor the only actual high-end project
Trump ever completed.
SARAH PALIN: New conservative feminist movement--
ANN COULTER: Women should not have the right to vote.
I would not want to be called a feminist.
SAMANTHA BEE: Ivanka's official title
is Assistant to the President.
Wishful thinkers are hoping that's code
for "your secret progressive buddy."
I've seen many headlines that say
Ivanka and Jared are the moderating force in the White
House.
SAMANTHA BEE: Yeah, so have we.
For instance, a source close to her
says she's making climate change one of her signature issues.
In recent weeks, Ivanka has arranged for her father to meet
with former Vice President Al Gore to hear
his views on global warming--
a move that took environmentalists by surprise.
She's met twice with Leonardo DiCaprio
to talk about the environment.
SAMANTHA BEE: Meeting with Leo DiCaprio
is not a sign that you care about climate change.
It's a sign that you were a teenager in the '90s.
What didn't take environmentalists by surprise
was Trump appointing a climate denier
to run EPA right after that Al Gore blind date
Ivanka set him up on.
She's not going to convince her dad climate
change isn't a Chinese hoax.
Anyone with a dad knows they have invincible old-man opinion
strength.
I can't change my dad's mind about chem trails
for longer than eight hours.
Oh, that's him texting me right now.
The only time Ivanka maybe checked
her father's right-wing bacchanalia
was when she helped kill an executive order
scrapping LGBT protections.
Although Trump may have just wandered
out and forgotten to sign that EO, because,
you know it happens.
So at most, Ivanka has stopped one out of 24
appalling executive orders.
That's only one more than Tiffany has stopped.
But that sorry track record hasn't stopped people
from thinking of Ivanka as Lady Galadriel
at the very White Council.
People are reading these Dear Ivanka letters on social media
and leaving them outside of a Kushner-owned building
in Manhattan.
I think it makes people feel like they have
someone in that Trump orbit who, at least she's
a former Democrat.
SAMANTHA BEE: Stop it, Democrats.
She's not a Wailing Wall for you to desperately
stuff your prayer notes into.
Look, I get it.
People are comforted by the thought
of a progressive feminist in the White House, to which I say,
if you wanted that, you should have voted for it.
[CHEERS]
Look, failing New York Times even published an article
fantasizing that Ivanka might save Federal Arts funding
because she took ballet lessons when she was eight, which is
like hoping she'll save blue collar
jobs because of her brief stint as a jackhammer operator.
Hey, working class man, immigrants
aren't taking your jobs.
Rich white ladies are.
As a business woman, Rosie the Jackhammer proudly
champions hashtag women who work, but not in,
like, a pushy, cunty way that would
alienate social conservatives.
IVANKA TRUMP: I'm Ivanka Trump the most important job
any woman can have is being a mother.
SAMANTHA BEE: You know what another important job is?
Working in the White House, because when you work there,
people need you to know what the fuck
you're doing when you float your $500 billion dollar child
care plan.
Ivanka's plan would allow families to deduct the cost
of childcare from their income.
The Tax Policy Center found that most of the benefits
go to wealthy households.
Many poor families won't get anything at all.
SAMANTHA BEE: And if they did, Congress
wouldn't pass it, because your dad has zero pull with them.
To be fair, Ivanka wasn't hired for her policy expertise.
She's being brought in because she's a very
successful business woman.
SAMANTHA BEE: Trump's bearded spokes-melon is right.
Ivanka negotiated some of the Trump Organization's biggest
deals, including the beautiful yet empty
Trump Tower Baku in Azerbaijan.
ADAM DAVIDSON: Ivanka led the deal.
She was the person overseeing the deal.
IVANKA TRUMP: A very long flight,
but I'm here in Baku, Azerbaijan.
Check it out-- the view from my balcony.
SAMANTHA BEE: Ivanka, I beg you-- please
do not tell your dad that his Twitter machine
can also do late-night videos.
According to Trump, that region is crawling with bad dudes.
According to an in-depth New Yorker investigation,
Trump should know.
Some of them are his partners.
He partnered with a man named-- well,
with the Mammadov family in Azerbaijan,
which is known to be one of the most
corrupt families in one of the most
corrupt countries in the world.
ADAM DAVIDSON: I think they were using
this operation, potentially, for money laundering.
SAMANTHA BEE: Oh, it's so sweet how Donald and Ivanka celebrate
Take your Daughter to Work and Implicate
her in an International Money Laundering Scheme Day.
It gets better.
Guess whose money Ivanka's buddy was allegedly laundering.
ADAM DAVIDSON: They had deep ties to the Iranian
Revolutionary Guard.
It is a case of the Trump Organization doing business
with people who were widely known to have ties
to supporters of terrorism.
Either she decided not to know about this Revolutionary Guard
connection, or she was protected from that knowledge
by her staff.
Just Google the name Mammadov, Azerbaijan, and all you see
is Revolutionary Guard.
SAMANTHA BEE: Look, if you guys want
to ruin your manicure googling things, go ahead.
I choose to believe Ivanka is innocent of helping
the Ayatollah's pet army, because she is beautiful.
Guilty people do not have hair that shiny.
Ivanka's new job is the same as her old job--
pushing her dad's dodgy agenda with a smile, which she was
doing back when Kellyanne was still
dreamily pretending to lie to Jake Tapper in her bedroom
mirror.
I agree-- Ivanka is the nicest, smartest, best-smelling Trump.
But mainly, she's the loyal Trump.
IVANKA TRUMP: I think that for me, this isn't
about promoting my viewpoints.
I wasn't elected by the American people to be President.
I think my father is going to do a tremendous job,
and I want to help him do that.
SAMANTHA BEE: Good girl.
When I'm gone, this will be your seat.
We'll be right back.