WELCOME -- WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT AND --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- FOLKS, I'M SO HAPPY TO START
OFF WITH SOME GOOD NEWS!
WE'VE AVERTED CATASTROPHE BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY SENATE
LEADERS AGREED TO A SHORT-TERM DEBT CEILING INCREASE!
WHOOOOOO!
RAISE THE FINANCIAL ROOF!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS MEANS AMERICA WILL REMAIN
SOLVENT AND FREE FROM FINANCIAL CALAMITY, UNTIL...
DECEMBER 3.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH THEY ACKNOWLEDGE IS DOING
LITTLE MORE THAN KICKING THE CAN DOWN THE ROAD.
THE U.S. SENATE IS SO OLD, THEY THINK "KICK THE CAN" IS THE HOT
CHRISTMAS TOY THIS YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT, AND "HOOP AND STICK."
BUT SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS REASSURED AMERICA, SAYING,
"AROUND HERE, TWO MONTHS IS A LIFETIME."
(AS BERNIE) "WO MONTHS IS A LIFETIME.
WE'RE LETTING THE DAYS GO BY LET THE WATER HOLD ME DOWN
LETTING THE DAYS GO BY WATER FLOWING UNDERGROUND.
INTO THE BLUE AGAIN AFTER THE MONEY'S GONE
TWO MONTHS IS A LIFETIME SAME AS IT EVER WAS
SAME AS IT EVER WAS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WAS...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE ALMOST DIDN'T HAVE A
GOVERNMENT TO SAVE, THANKS TO FORMER PRESIDENT THE
BIG LIE-BOWSKI.
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, THE SENATE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE RELEASED A NEW REPORT, CALLED "SUBVERTING JUSTICE: HOW
THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS ALLIES PRESSURED D.O.J. TO
OVERTURN THE 2020 ELECTION."
SO FAR, I'VE ONLY READ THE TITLE PAGE, AND IT SEEMS TO BE ABOUT
HOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS ALLIES PRESSURED D.O.J. TO
OVERTURN THE 2020 ELECTION.
ONE DETAIL THAT I DO KNOW IS THAT AIDES, LIKE CHIEF OF STAFF
MARK MEADOWS, WERE PUSHING THE ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL TO MEET
WITH RUDY GIULIANI.
IT'S A TOUGH SELL.
"I'VE SCHEDULED YOU FOR A HIGH-LEVEL LEGAL BRIEFING.
IT'S NEXT TO THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE DISCOUNT DILDO SHOP.
LOOK FOR THE GUY WITH THE LEAKY SKULL.
HE'S THE GUY I WANT YOU TO MEET MEET."
BUT 45 WASN'T GETTING ANY COOPERATION FROM ACTING
ATTORNEY GENERAL AND THE OLD MAN UNDERNEATH THE MASK IN EVERY
EPISODE OF "SCOOBY DOO," JEFFREY ROSEN.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HATCHED
A PLAN TO REPLACE ROSEN WITH HIS OWN TOADIE, JUSTICE DEPARTMENT
ATTORNEY AND BLOB OF SILLY PUTTY PRESSED UP AGAINST THE FACE OF A
MAN, JEFFREY CLARK.
ROSEN TOLD THE FORMER PRESIDENT THAT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAD
INVESTIGATED THE ELECTION AND FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF FRAUD.
BUT CLARK REACHED A DIFFERENT CONCLUSION, BECAUSE, AS HE SAID,
HE SPENT A LOT OF TIME READING ON THE INTERNET.
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, AND I DID NOT KNOW
THIS, MISSING BALLOTS ARE THE ONE WEIRD TRICK TO CURE BELLY
FAT.
( LAUGHTER ) CLARK TOLD ROSEN THAT HE
CONVINCED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO FIRE ROSEN SO CLARK COULD
TAKE HIS PLACE.
AS ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL.
BUT ROSEN SAID, "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU."
SO, ON JANUARY 3, CLARK AND ROSEN WENT TO THE OVAL OFFICE
FOR A MEETING.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT BEGAN THAT MEETING WITH THIS SNIDE COMMENT:
"ONE THING WE KNOW IS YOU, ROSEN, AREN'T GOING TO DO
ANYTHING TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION."
THAT WAS HIS IDEA OF A NEGATIVE EMPLOYEE REVIEW.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS BOSS REVIEWING)
"CHAD, I'VE GOT TO SAY, YOUR QUARTERLY REPORTS ARE STELLAR,
BUT I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE A GOOD FIT FOR OUR COMPANY,
BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO DISMEMBER MY ENEMIES."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT ROSEN HAD AN ACE IN THE
HOLE-- IF HE WAS FIRED, THE D.O.J.'S LEADERS HAD ALL AGREED
TO RESIGN, LEADING THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO CONCLUDE THAT ANY
ATTENTION ON HIS BASELESS CLAIMS OF VOTER FRAUD WOULD BE ECLIPSED
BY A FUROR OVER MASS RESIGNATIONS AT THE TOP OF THE
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.
SO HE WORRIED ONE AWFUL THING WOULD BE OVERSHADOWED BY ANOTHER
AWFUL THING.
JUST LIKE DON JR AND ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LONG WALK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: A LONG WALK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OVER IN THE HOUSE
OF REPRESENTATIVES, THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN INVESTIGATION
INTO THE ELECTION-STEALING PLANS OF LARDO CALTREASIAN.
THEY'RE LOOKING INTO THE CAPITOL RIOT, AND WHO ON THE
INSIDE KNEW ABOUT IT.
BUT THEY'RE HITTING A SNAG, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
AIDES ARE TRYING TO DODGE JANUARY 6 SUBPOENAS.
AND THEY'RE HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH ONE GUY IN PARTICULAR--
FORMER WHITE HOUSE DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF DAN SCAVINO, SEEN HERE
BEING GUILTY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, THEY'VE BEEN UNABLE TO
PHYSICALLY SERVE THE SUBPOENA TO SCAVINO, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T
FIND HIM.
HAS ANYONE TRIED LOOKING IN HERE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT?
( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S A LOGICAL PLACE TO LOOK!
THEY ALL SPEND A LOT OF TIME UP THERE, AND IT'S MORE SPACIOUS
THAN IS A DAM'S SPIDER HOLE.
REPUBLICANS ARE EVEN UNDERMINING THE ELECTION OF OTHER
REPUBLICANS.
CASE IN POINT: THIS WEEK, IDAHO'S GOVERNOR LEFT
THE STATE, SO HIS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR TOOK POWER AND BANNED
STATE VACCINE MANDATES.
IDAHO, THAT'S NOT HOW A LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR IS SUPPOSED
TO TAKE OVER!
NEW YORKERS KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT PATIENTLY UNTIL YOUR
BOSS IS ACCUSED OF DECADES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT, BLAMES IT ON
BEING ITALIAN, AND THEN RESIGNS, JUST IN TIME TO RUN AGAIN,
ANYWAY.
LA( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SEE, THERE WAS A MEETING OF REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS IN TEXAS,
ATTENDED BY IDAHO GOVERNOR AND THE STUD MUFFIN OF
FARMERSONLY.COM, BRAD LITTLE.
WHILE HE WAS OUT OF STATE POWER WAS SEIZED BY LIEUTENANT
GOVERNOR AND WOMAN WHO SWEARS TO TELL THE TOOTH, THE WHOLE TOOTH,
AND NOTHING BUT THE TOOTH, JANICE MCGEAHIN.
MCGEAHIN WAS ABLE TO ASSUME TEMPORARY POWER BECAUSE IDAHO'S
CONSTITUTION REQUIRES THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR TO TAKE OVER
WHEN THE GOVERNOR IS OUT OF STATE.
AND IF BOTH OF THEM ARE OUT OF STATE, POWER PASSES TO A POTATO
WITH GOOGLY EYES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SURE, FRONTRUNNER.
2024.
POTATO.
MCGEAHIN INSISTED SHE WAS JUST DOING HER JOB.
>> WE ARE THE SECOND-IN-COMMAND OF THE STATE OF IDAHO, THAT IF
ANYTIME THE GOVERNOR LEAVES THE STATE, OR GOD FORBID, SOMETHING
WERE TO HAPPEN TO THE GOVERNOR-- AND WE PRAY FOR HIS SAFETY AND
WELL-BEING EVERY DAY-- THAT I NEED, I WOULD BE THE COMMANDER
OF THE STATE.
>> STEPHEN: JANICE?
NO ONE ASKED YOU WHETHER YOU WERE PRAYING FOR HIS SAFETY.
"I PRAY FOR HIS BRAKE CABLES EVERY DAY, BECAUSE, LORD KNOWS
HOW, MY BOLT CUTTERS END UP UNDER HIS CAR.
EVERY DAY."
NOW, IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY THESE TWO REPUBLICANS ARE
FEUDING?
IN IDAHO, THE GOVERNOR AND LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR DON'T RUN ON
THE SAME TICKET, AND IN THE NEXT ELECTION, MCGEAHIN IS RUNNING
FOR GOVERNOR.
SHE'S GUNNIN' FOR HER BOSS'S JOB!
THAT'S LIKE A BABYSITTER WATCHING THE PARENTS DRIVE OFF,
AND GOING, "KIDS, CALL ME MOMMY."
SPEAKING OF IDAHO, CANADA!
ARE THERE ANY BELIEBERS HERE TONIGHT?
( CHEERING ) I'M A HUGE JUSTIN-HEAD MYSELF,
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SHOW FIVE YEARS AGO,
AND CANCELLED, AND HAS NEVER COME BACK.
CLAIMED HE WAS SICK, AND WAS PHOTOGRAPHED THE NEXT DAY
SKATEBOARDING.
I DON'T KNOW.
I ASSUME HE HAD SKATEBOARD FEVER.
ANYWAY, BIG FAN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH IS WHY I'M SO EXCITED
THAT HE JUST DROPPED A TEASER FOR HIS NEW MUSIC VIDEO, THAT
HAS A SURPRISING GUEST STAR.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT HER.
HERE'S A HINT: IT'S DIANE KEATON.
♪♪ ♪♪
>> STEPHEN: YES.
DIANE KEATON.
AND BASED ON THAT CLIP, SHE EITHER PLAYS BIEBER'S LOVE
INTEREST, HIS MOM, OR "DIANE KEATON WHO WANDERED ONTO THE SET
OF A JUSTIN BIEBER VIDEO."
HARD TO TELL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU KNOW?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A HUGE FAN.
LOVE DIANE KEATON.
THE VIDEO IS FOR THE BIEBS' NEW SONG, "GHOST," AND
APPARENTLY, KEATON'S APPEARANCE IN THE VIDEO HAS LEFT JUSTIN
BIEBER FANS "CONFUSED."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN THEY'RE NOT REAL FANS!
TRUE BELIEBERS KNOW THAT DIANE KEATON HAS ACTUALLY BEEN IN ALL
JUSTIN BIEBER'S VIDEOS.
WHO COULD FORGET THIS CLASSIC?
♪ AND IT WAS LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY, OHHH
LIKE, BABY, BABY, BABY, NO LIKE...
>> LA-DI-DA, LA-DI-DA, LA-LA, YEAH
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: REMEMBER, THIS ISN'T THE ACTUAL MUSIC VIDEO.
THIS IS JUST THE TRAILER FOR THE MUSIC VIDEO.
WHICH IS A GROWING TREND.
RECENTLY, ADELE DROPPED A 20-SECOND TRAILER FOR HER NEW
SONG, AND THE JONAS BROTHERS PREVIEWED THEIR NEW SINGLE WITH
AN EIGHT-SECOND CLIP ON INSTAGRAM.
BUT MUSIC VIDEOS ARE REALLY ADS FOR WHOLE ALBUMS.
NOW THERE ARE TEASERS FOR THE ADS?
THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS RIDICULOUS.
>> JON: YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT, STEPHEN!
IT'S CRAZY.
>> STEPHEN: JON, YOU AGREE WITH ME?
>> JON: I DO.
PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING TEASERS FOR MUSIC VIDEOS...
UNTIL THEY SEE THE TRAILER FOR THE TEASER!
( LAUGHTER ) CHECK OUT MY WORLD PREMIERE
TRAILER FOR THE TEASER FOR THE MUSIC VIDEO OF MY NEW SONG!
(PIANO NOTE SUSTAINED) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOW.
WOW.
BEAUTIFUL.
YOU TOUCHED ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I'M TRYING TO DO WHAT
I CAN HERE, YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: NOT ONLY IS THAT BEAUTIFUL, BUT IT REVEALS
NOTHING.
I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THE NEW SONG.
WHEN DOES IT COME OUT?
>> JON: I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IT YET.
>> STEPHEN: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE DR. SANJAY GUPTA AND "DUNE" DIRECTOR DENIS
VILLENEUVE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
AND DIAN KEATON.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )