Hello, my name is max I have Asperger's syndrome
This video is the fourth in a series of videos where I address the various symptoms of a s and give vivid
examples from my own life briefly before we begin in case you haven't watched the first video and you're not inclined to
Refer to the description box for my modus operandi
It'll only take a few seconds to read and might provide you with worthwhile
Context for the rest of this video and this series for this video
I'll be addressing the issue of intimate relationships and how Asperger's syndrome affects their attainment if you want to experience the full
Educational value of this video. I recommend you watch the third video in this series titled social, awkwardness
Although it is not necessary to do
So the issues I discuss in that video are directly intertwined with what I will be discussing today human beings
They are social creatures. They are a sexually dimorphic species as a result
It is evident that intimate relationships are an inherent part of the human experience
They help us develop empathy
responsibility and courage they are challenging in a worthwhile way and they enable us to mature for one only truly matures when someone other than
yourself is more important given the fact that establishing partnership and
Propagating our genetic material has been the core of evolutionary history
There have been certain strategies developed over time by living beings to secure survival and reproduction
some methods work better than others and the ones that work best are the ones that work in harmony with our evolved framework of
socialization in case you're confused by that choice of words
Allow me to provide an example if you approach a member of the opposite sex and you creepily say
Then you demonstrate kind of a pathetic eagerness that makes you seem like a lesson ideal, mate
However, if you approach a member of the opposite sex and engage them in a way that doesn't immediately degrade yourself say by subtly
Showing that if this interaction doesn't go well you'll be able to survive and find somebody else then
You're more likely to have a better social interaction with that person to put it more simply
effective methods of
Attraction have come from observing human beings for millennia and seeing what works in respect to social cues and body language
However, this game of socialization is so unbelievably complicated if you were to look at human socializing as a mathematical formula
There would be an infinite number of combinations
You can make between words sentences tone body language eye contact yada yada yada
It is so complicated that even normal human beings with serviceable
Social skills have trouble with it on a regular
Basis before I continue I think now would be a good time to mention that for this video
I'll be speaking about intimate relationships from a primarily male perspective as I do not believe I have the
qualifications to speak about the female perspective
however
If there is a woman out there who has a s and is listening to this video that would be willing to contribute their
perspective get in contact with me through Twitter at max Theret and we'll figure out a way for you to offer your
Perspective on this channel speaking as a male
It's especially difficult when the females are the biological
limiters of your species
given the fact that they have wombs for this primary reason and more subordinate reasons females have the burden and privilege of
exercising choice over whom they will partner with this is why the
Stereotype exists that men will supposedly have sex with anything that moves. This is one of many reasons
Why most women on dating sites raid 80% of the men on those dating sites as having below average attractiveness?
Whereas the men are a lot less choosy women bear a life-changing
Responsibility if they mate with a man and they conceive a child in a purely biological
sense
if a woman refuses to partner with you what they are saying is they don't believe your genes should be
Replicated into the next generation that you should improve yourself so you can sustain the life of your partner and your children
This is one reason why women make men so self-conscious
This is one reason why many men sometimes respond in unacceptable ways to female rejection
There are obviously other reasons why women would refuse sex and partnership
Like I said, I'm just speaking purely biologically now I ask you the viewer to take everything
I said and a match of what it's like for somebody with a s when it comes to seeking out intimate
Relationships given that the courtship game is structured around the social interaction and cues of the average
Neurotypical human being where does that leave people with a s?
well
Let me put it this way incoming spoilers for the Pixar
Inside out at the end of that movie a young boy meets Riley the female protagonist
This is what his brain does in the presence of a young girl. He finds pretty
And
That's what it's like for an average neurotypical young boy. Like I said just a few seconds ago
There is nothing that makes a male more self-conscious and insecure than a pretty female now
Let's play this video again and assume this young boy has a s. Let's see. What's inside his brain
Okay, maybe I'm being a little bit overdramatic but not much in the case of the young boy without a s he will most likely
Have the capacity to overcome this anxiety
Learn how to socialize with the opposite sex and learn how to make himself more attractive in the process
In contrast the boy with a s if he's lucky might be able to overcome some of these problems with intense training
But it will be almost impossible to play the courtship game as it has been laid out by
Neurotypical z' if he is to have any luck at all with the opposite sex
His future partner will have to forgive his eccentricities and quirks while he simultaneously
Does his best to adapt somewhat to societal standards?
however
Despite the fact that a lot of us would like to believe we live in a more progressive accepting society nowadays
And that most people would be willing to forgive the quirks of somebody with a s
It does not seem to be the case
for example one core problem that many people with a s have is expressing emotion not
Feeling emotion, but expressing it. Most people with a s have no problem feeling emotion
One of the most important parts of any relationship is having open communication with your partner regarding how you're feeling
Obviously if somebody with a s has a tough time expressing emotion
It's hard for the partner to gauge whether or not the relationship is healthy
It's hard for the partner to know if their efforts to make the relationship work are in vain or not
on the flip side
People with a s have a hard time interpreting the body language of their partner if my partner isn't happy for example
Unless she tells me that she's unhappy or I did something wrong then
It's likely nothing will be done to solve the issue and most of my past relationships
My partner wouldn't tell me what I did wrong if I did something wrong
They used their silence as a form of punishment for some sort of misdeed. I committed when I found out I did something wrong
I would ask well, why didn't you tell me so that I could apologize and fix the problem?
They would say something like well
You should have known and because I can't
understand social cues or body language
Most of the time when I found out somebody I loved was brooding over something I did I would beat myself up for being broken
and stupid and when I say beat myself up, I mean literally
Physically the trauma that came from this self-imposed punishment bled over into my most recent relationship
even though by her admission
I did almost nothing wrong whenever she would be quiet and introverted
and said
She was sad
I would immediately retreat the thinking I did something wrong and then fall into a pit of despair
When 99% of the time it was just due to her depression the worst part
however of having a s and interacting with the opposite sex is the
Naivety one is plagued with during our teen years the naivety and innocence
I had between the ages of 14 and 18 was akin to that of an Orthodox
Priest I grew up in a Christian school and my knowledge of sex was limited only to how babies were made
I had no concept of why kissing girls was such a big deal except that you should want to do it until I was 15
I just thought
girls were mildly annoying given the fact that at that age all of my peers also had their hormones raging and we're looking to get
With the opposite sex, there were people around me that took advantage of my naivety
Allow me to cite some uncomfortable examples when I was 15. I found that I had drifted into a social clique
That was a mix of drug addicts alcoholics
Sexually active musicians members of the LGBT community and other outcasts
I wasn't any of those things except for being somewhat of an outcast because with my artistic temperament I didn't fit into any particular category
At the time I was handsome
Athletic, I played several instruments. I was mysterious on account of me rarely opening my mouth
But I was nevertheless kind and considerate when I did I didn't know at the time that all of these things made me a hot
commodity to my female peers because like I said
I had no concept of what sexuality was beyond the act of intercourse let alone regular social interaction
This wasn't just because nobody explained to me what it was all about
I understood it was important but because I had a s I wasn't interested in trying to figure it out nor did I understand?
Why it was important it would be like trying to explain why turning the light on in a dark room is important to a blind
Person at the time because I didn't speak much and when I did I was very amiable and easy to talk to my autistic symptoms
Weren't immediately obvious to many people although they were later on
However, my social awkwardness did come about when girls started openly talking about risque topics forgive my crass language
But often times I would hear them talking about giving head or getting shit-faced and I had no idea what those terms meant
I didn't know until I was 16 when a good friend of mine explained it to me on the one hand
I wasn't made fun of for my naivety at first but rather the girls around me for whatever reason found my innocence charming
Unfortunately because I was completely ignorant about sexuality social conventions cues and body language. Some girls took it upon themselves to
Let's say educate me. And what do I mean by that?
Well on a frequent basis, I was being sexually harassed and I didn't even know it it didn't help that
I was a man and I had no concept in my mind that guys could be sexually harassed
Because I was always taught that only the reverse was true
If it happens to guys were supposed to feel lucky
However, in my case I didn't even know what I was supposed to feel girls would kiss me without my permission
they would push themselves against me sit on my lap several different girls would take my hands and put them on their breasts and
Sometimes they would make me put my hands on other girl's chests on a couple of occasions
I had girls either grab my rear end or slap it
This happened on a regular basis among seven different girls for over a year, maybe even two years
Like I said if it happens to guys were supposed to feel grateful or lucky, right?
However, in my case I didn't even know what I was supposed to feel
I just let it happen because I would freeze in place
Not knowing what to do not knowing what the hell was going on as I grew older and wiser
I started to understand what exactly was going on
it wasn't until the last year of my high school career that I realized what people really thought of me up until then I'd been
Living in an ignorant trance thinking I was well-liked and respectable
However, there were several incidents in grade 12 and someone in grade 11 that made this veil fall down before my eyes
I remember that from my grade 12 drama exam. We had to impersonate a famous actor
I along with some of my other classmates were having trouble picking an appropriate actor or actress
I remember that a guy named Mark openly suggested I impersonate John Malkovich upon his suggestion every voice in that classroom
Exclaimed in unison. Yeah
When they all said this it was so loud and in such harmony that I almost jumped out of my seat
I didn't know who John Malkovich was nor did I know he was famous for playing a lot of creepy characters and bad guys
so when I audibly asked aloud to my classmates, oh
Why do you think he'd be good around five or six girls and perfect unison responded because you're so creepy
they said this while my teacher was in the room and she didn't protest I was so embarrassed that an angry that I
Semi audibly replied well a few - this is just one of many incidents
I realized that girls were questioning my
Behavior behind my back calling me weird and creepy because of my blank stares my lack of eye contact
The fact that I rarely ever spoke, etc, etc
upon learning that my problems were on account of having a s I was so angry and depressed that I
Actively separated myself from almost all of the women. I had been around for the past four years save for a couple of exceptions
I hated them
I hated the fact that nobody said anything to me that I was acting odd
And I had to find it all out inadvertently. It was like uncovering some big government conspiracy. That was actually true
I know I sound paranoid
But I'm actually not I could tell you about each
individual that I found out was making fun of me or was actually scared of me because of how I presented myself and how I
found out however for the sake of
Privacy and time I won't share those details here and to this day
I am still so paranoid about my interactions with people whenever I finish talking to somebody in person I turn away and my face
Cringes because I think to myself oh my god. They think I was weird
Did I hide my traits well going from high school to university these problems didn't stop happening a few girls
I tried to talk to and be nice to were put off by the fact that I didn't look them in the eye that I
Didn't know when to stop talking about topics of my interest that I couldn't tell when they were uncomfortable or not enjoying selves
I will go into greater detail, but at the risk of greater embarrassment
I'll save you all the graphic details, even though we've come to the conclusion
I still have so many different stories involving my failures in the pursuit of intimate
Relationships and the opposite sex what I have shared with you is only 10% of my history of romantic
Misfortune instead of going on for another two hours with that. I'll leave you all on a positive note
I know some people have criticized me for not offering
Methods for people to rise above their AAS symptoms in these videos in response to that
I would like to propose an idea
I was thinking that because I have had recent success in respect to intimate relationships
I could hold a regular live stream where people could ask me questions about a particular
Subject and I could offer advice on what has worked for me
Let me know what you think in the comment section below before I conclude
I need to say the following to my fellow AAS have errs, if any of what I said sounds familiar to you
I highly recommend you seek out a diagnosis don't lie to yourself about your inadequacies
Lying never leads anywhere good you never get away with it coming to terms with your limitations while painful is a much healthier
Alternative to what almost happened to me to my listeners who don't have a s instead of offering your sympathies
I'd much rather you share this video to spread awareness
Share it with somebody who might know an a s sufferer. That way they can save themselves from
Unnecessary trauma and live a much more fulfilling life before you go
I also want to direct you all to a test in the description box below called the autism spectrum
Quotient, if you think you might have a s or know somebody who does make sure the relevant person or people take this test
It's not an official diagnosis and should not be treated as such it's mostly just to help encourage people to seek out
Diagnosis so they can get the resources that they need
Until next time my fellow Esper Ginn's just to remember you deserve to be happy