okay people I think we can all agree
that Wolverine is a protocol character
he's got sweet ass claws gets all the
ladies is obnoxiously hard to kill you
know cool guy stuff blood as dope as
Wolverine is he is nowhere near close to
the badass that is Wolverine from Earth
twelve thousand twenty five I'm Jocelyn
the intern I do all the research nobody
else wants to straight from the desk of
death battle let me tell you about James
Howlett aka earth twelve thousand twenty
fives
Wolverine this guy makes the Wolverine
you know look like a wilting tulip being
held by a Gerber baby and here's why
James Howlett was governor-general of
the Dominion of Canada and Viceroy of
Her Majesty's expedition to shangri-la
now that's some pretty wicked legally
stuff but let me crack this jar of
pickles open for you mr. Hallett is
essentially a Canadian version of Teddy
Roosevelt if Teddy Roosevelt was also a
mutant that didn't take no from
nobody okay okay now before you go on
asking stupid questions like uh Jocelyn
does he have a dimension bones like
Logan uh no he doesn't he has something
even better
that's right James's bones have been
coated and adamantine
what's that you ask well it's the medal
of the gods
duh in fact adamantium is named after
this godly metal but lacks some of its
finer characteristics adamantine is not
only stronger than adamant him it can
also reflect large blasts of concussive
energy and additionally it can stop any
sort of psychic influence which means
that James is impervious to any sort of
psychic manipulation since his skull is
encapsulated by it you might be
wondering how James got his hands on
this magnificent metal I mean after all
this is the stuff that makes up the
gates of Pluto and that's a good
question with an even better answer he
got it as a gift from his
friend Hercules laterite you heard me
sadly earth twelve thousand twenty five
doesn't really approve of such a
righteous bromance in fact in his world
homosexuality is outlawed so he tends to
keep it under wraps that is until one
day he had her explains some sort of
super dragon high on adrenaline and
extreme manliness they grabbed each
other and did the mustache tango
publicly proclaiming their love that
sounds great sure but Zeus wasn't too
happy about it and banished the couple
to the pits of Tartarus now I want to
clarify that he didn't Spanish them for
being gay he did it because he didn't
like the idea of his son getting it on
with a mortal which makes him a giant
hypocrite considering that Zeus has been
up in more people than James Bond anyway
once in the pit of Tartarus which is
pretty much just hell they proceeded to
fight hordes of soulless zombies for
like four straight years which has to be
the most metal honeymoon ever
eventually James makes it out of hell
and after a few minor adventures ends up
joining the extreme x-men their mission
kill alternate dimension evil Charles
Xavier z-- before they can destroy their
multi-dimensional existence and let me
tell you they have some pretty crazy
adventures seriously if you're a fan of
insane over-the-top stories then you
need to check out extreme x-men I
you not there is an ex-slave Civil War
era Cyclops a Nazi Xavier and a fair
amount of inappropriate dialogue
and that's all in just one issue
well guys and gals this is kind of
awkward because I need to leave and do
some research in the Mushroom Kingdom
for this thing you don't even know we're
doing so why don't you like and
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want to check out the mystery video yeah
I don't even know what it is sorry