- Hello, I'm Adam and welcome to Corpse Talk,
the show that brings the dead famous to life!
Please be upstanding and welcome today's regal guest:
there's never been a cooler queen!
(cheering)
♪ Corpse Talk ♪
♪ A history chat about this or that ♪
♪ Corpse talk ♪
♪ Corpse Talk ♪
♪ Where the dead famous come to life ♪♪
- It's Queen Elizabeth I of England!
(applause)
(chuckling)
Are you, uh-- Is there-- All good, Your Majesty?
(air hissing)
- The royal posterior has landed, you may now be seated.
- Now, Queen Elizabeth, Your Majesty,
you had a pretty complicated childhood, didn't you?
Something of a historical soap opera.
- Previously on Tudor Times...
Temperamental tyrant King Henry VIII wants a son to succeed him,
but when first wife Catherine of Aragon produces a daughter, Mary,
he divorces her and she's Ara-gone.
Enter wife number 2, plucky Anne Boleyn.
But will she give him the son he's always wanted?
- Is it a boy?
- Um...
- Yes, sadly when papa found out I was a girl, he was furious.
- Talk about losing your head over nothing!
- Then he declared my mother a traitor and had her beheaded.
- Oops, sorry, Your Majesty. - Oh, it gets worse.
Dad banned me from inheriting the throne and I no fewer than four step-moms
by the time I was a teenager.
- Family get-togethers must have been... awkward.
- Quite. But no matter, when my father finally died,
a woman eventually inherited the throne anyway.
- Whoo-hoo! Yes! Go team Liz!
I mean, congratulations, ma'am.
- No, no, no, not me.
Lady Jane Grey was next in line.
- You alright, babe?
(Elizabeth): They got rid of her after only nine days.
- Oh, bye then.
(Elizabeth): Making way for my older half-sister, Mary.
- Hello. - It's a lot to take in, I know.
Just roll the soap opera thing again.
Previously on Tudor Times...
Mary has ascended to the throne,
but because we have different religions, she's Catholic and I'm Protestant,
I'm accused of treason and thrown in the Tower of London.
Meanwhile, Mary marries King Philip II of Spain.
- Hola!
It's finally my turn to take the throne.
Yes!
- Oof, what a ride! I bet every king, prince and duke in Europe
was lining up to win your hand in marriage.
- Well, yes, but dear me, you should've seen them.
- I think we can arrange that.
Let's play Date or Ditch!
Royal number 1...
Oh! It's King Philip of Spain. Quite the catch.
- Hola!
- My dead half-sister's husband? Ew! No thanks.
- Adios!
It's Duke Francis of Anjou.
- Bonjour.
- Royal number 3...
It's Prince Erik of Sweden! - Hey...
- He was poisoned by his enemies, next.
- These are heavy, you know?
- Hello! - Oh, Robert Dudley.
(chuckling, snorting) I've known him since I was a little girl.
- Oh, hello! Do I detect a royal flush?
- Oh! Ew, nonsense, no! No.
Alright, a little bit.
(chuckling, snorting) Very well. Yes, he was very um...
Ooh, how would you say?
- A hottie? A scrummy bit of crumpet?
A total dreamboat?
- If all the means attractive, then yes, he was.
(buzzer) - Oh?
(gasps) Sorry, ma'am, I'm being told...
Studley Dudley shouldn't have been included.
He's already married.
- Yeah, I know he was. Okay, fine.
- Oof, matchmaking is exhausting! - Yeah, most tiresome.
In the end, I decided not to marry anyone.
I didn't want to hand over England to some foreign prince.
And even if I married a commoner, in those days,
a husband always outranked his wife, even if she was, you know,
the Queen.
- You were always pretty careful about making big decisions, weren't you?
- Well, you would've been too in my shoes.
One false move and my reign would be finished.
But I made a virtue of the single life with a rather cunning makeover.
I called myself the Virgin Queen.
And declared that I was married to the whole of England.
- Oh, imagine the size of the wedding cake.
- Not that I still didn't have to work hard to avoid being overthrown.
Most of all by my half-sister Mary.
- Well, you haven't seen her since she died and left you the throne,
but she's here tonight!
- Her!
- That's Mary Queen of Scots.
You were talking about the other Mary.
- Sorry, what's her story then?
- Not here.
- Get back here!
- Unfortunately, Mary Queen of Scots kept plotting with other Catholics
to replace me, so I had no choice but to have her executed.
- Sheesh! A rival religion thing again?
- Oh, it was a right pain in the--
- Royal posterior. - Yes, that one.
And indeed, executing my cousin only provoked
the most powerful catholic in Europe, King Philip of Spain.
- Hola!
- He was so cross, he dispatched a fleet of war ships.
- Oh, oh, I know this bit!
(blowing)
This was the Spanish armada.
Over to you, Your Majesty.
(Elizabeth): First, we sent in pirate ships.
(chuckling)
(Elizabeth): No, didn't work.
So we blasted them with cannons.
(Adam): So cool!
(cheering)
(Elizabeth): But they survived.
So then, we finally did nothing.
(Adam): Wait, what?
(Elizabeth): Well, we didn't need to because a big old storm
came out of nowhere, blew them all north and that was the last we saw of them!
(laughing)
Good times.
- A dramatic end to a dramatic reign, Your Majesty.
- Ha, ha! There's plenty more where that came from.
I ruled for another 15 years. Did I tell you about the time--
- Sadly, that's all we've got time for.
So let's save it for another time, ma'am.
- Very well, commoner, I shall take my leave.
Good day to you.
- Oh, shall I...? Uh, nah.
Join us next time on Corpse Talk,
the show that brings the dead famous to life!
Uh, can somebody order a new chair?
♪ Corpse Talk ♪
♪ A history chat about this or that ♪
♪ Corpse talk ♪
♪ Corpse Talk ♪
♪ Where the dead famous come to life ♪♪