[ BELL TOLLING ]
>> LORD, PLEASE HELP DONALD TRUMP.
HE'S NOT A GOOD MAN, BUT HE IS IN TROUBLE.
>> JOSEPH, JESUS AND MARY, HELP MR. TRUMP TONIGHT.
HE'S A NIGHTMARE, BUT HE'S ALL I GOT.
>> PLEASE SEND A MAN TO HELP ME TONIGHT.
I WOULD ALSO LIKE A WATCH, THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WELL, I DON'T THINK I CAN DO
THIS ANYMORE. I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY EAT A
SALAD AND EXPLODE. >> WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE TROUBLE,
DONALD? >> WHO ARE YOU?
STAY BACK. >> RELAX, I MEAN YOU NO HARM.
MY NAME IS CLARENCE. AND I WAS SENT HERE FROM HEAVEN.
I HEARD YOU ARE IN TROUBLE. >> OH, IT'S AWFUL.
EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART. SOMETIMES I WISH I HAD NEVER
BEEN PRESIDENT. >> A WORLD WHERE YOU WERE NEVER
PRESIDENT, HEY? I THINK WE CAN ARRANGE THAT.
♪♪♪
>> WOW! EVERYONE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT.
WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS ON THEIR FACES?
>> THOSE ARE CALLED SMILES. >> OH, MR. TRUMP, I JUST WANTED
SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS. >> IT'S PRESIDENT TRUMP, SARAH.
>> OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE! SERIOUSLY THOUGH, THANKS FOR
SUGGESTING I GO INTO PR. I'VE MADE SO MUCH MONEY WORKING
FOR SO MANY AWESOME COMPANIED LIKE
FACEBOOK, ASHLEY MADISON, THE ROMAINE LETTUCE ASSOCIATION AND
TIME WARNER CABLE, WHICH IS NOW SPECTRUM.
ANYWAY, MERRY CHRISTMAS, DONALD. >> WAIT, SARAH ISN'T MY PRESS
SECRETARY? >> I TOLD YOU, DONALD.
YOU DON'T HAVE A PRESS SECRETARY.
BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T ELECTED PRESIDENT.
>> YEAH, HELLO, MR. TRUMP. >> KELLYANNE, MY GOD, YOU LOOK
INCREDIBLE! SO HEALTHY AND VIBRANT.
>> AND ACTUALLY THAT'S BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY NO LONGER EATEN
FROM WITHIN BY LIES. AND AFTER WE LOST THE CAMPAIGN,
THE DEVIL GAVE ME BACK MY SOUL. SO --
EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO FIND MY HUSBAND, WHO I SPEAK TO NOW.
>> WAIT, SO HILLARY IS PRESIDENT?
>> THAT'S RIGHT. IN THIS REALITY, ALL SHE HAD TO
DO TO WIN WAS VISIT WISCONSIN ONCE.
>> WELL, DID THEY FIND HER E-MAILS?
>> THEY DID. THEY WERE ALL BED, BATH AND
BEYOND COUPONS. >> HELLO, FATHER.
>> OH, MY SONS, MY BOYS, DON JR. AND ERIC.
ERIC IS THAT A RUBIK'S CUBE? >> AND FINITO, HAHA.
THAT'S ITALIANO FOR FINISH. >> WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING
WITH ERIC? >> WELL, SINCE ERIC DOES NOT
RUN THE ENTIRE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, HE WAS ABLE TO
ATTEND ADULT EDUCATION CLASSES. >> MERRY CHRISTMAS, FATHER.
OR AS THEY SAY IN FINNISH, FELL -- FELIZ NAVIDAD.
>> OKAY, BUT HE'S STILL PRETTY DUMB.
>> DONALD, SO NICE TO SEE YOU. WHAT'S UP?
>> MELANIA, WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT?
>> OH, WELL, AFTER WE GOT DIVORCED, I LOST THE ACCENT.
THEY SAID BEING AROUND YOU ALL THE TIME WAS HURTING MY LANGUAGE
SKILLS. >> WELL, YOU'RE STILL SMOCKING
HOT! ARE YOU HOLDING UP OKAY?
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I HAVE A HUGE REAL ESTATE EMPIRE
NOW. YOU KNOW, I FIGURED IF DONALD
CAN DO IT, ANYONE CAN DO IT. AND I'M HAPPILY REMARRIED TO
PAPA JOHN. >> AND WHO IS THIS WOMAN?
. >> OH, DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE HER?
SHE'S YOUR NEW WIFE HERNIA. >> YEAH, SHE WAS A SUITCASE GIRL
IN THE SERBIAN VERSION OF "DEAL OR NO DEAL."
>> IT'S CALLED "POTATO OR NO POTATO."
AND I DO THIS. >> JACKPOT.
>> I'LL SAY. I'M AN ANGEL.
BUT I AIN'T NO ANGEL. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> MR. TRUMP, MERRY CHRISTMAS! >> MICHAEL COHEN, SHOULDN'T YOU
BE IN JAIL AFTER YOU FLIPPED ON ME?
>> WHAT? I WOULD NEVER, EVER FLIP ON YOU.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. AND SINCE IT'S CHRISTMAS, I JUST
WANT TO SAY, YOU TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW.
>> COME ON, MICHAEL. >> NO, IT'S TRUE.
EVERY SINGLE THING I'VE DONE IS BECAUSE YOU DIRECTED ME TO DO
IT. AND I HOPE EVERYONE KNOWS IT.
WE'RE A TEAM LIKE O.J. AND KATO, OR LYLE AND ERIK MENENDEZ.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, MICHAEL. >> AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW AT
THE GRAND OPENING OF TRUMP TOWER MOSCOW!
♪♪♪ >> WAIT, WHAT'S THAT MUSIC?
>> MIKE PENCE IS DEEJAYING. >> MIKE, MIKE, IS THIS WHAT
YOU'RE DOING NOW? >> OH, HELL YEAH, DOG.
IT'S SO GREAT TO BE MYSELF. THANK GOD I WAS NEVER YOUR VICE
PRESIDENT. I WOULD JUST BE SITTING IN
MEETINGS YOU WITH AND PELOSI AND SCHUMER JUST STARING OUT IN
SPACE IMAGINING THIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW. SO EVERYONE IS BETTER OFF
WITHOUT ME BEING PRESIDENT. >> WELL, NOT JUST THEM.
YOU'RE BETTER OFF TOO. >> OH, MY GOD, DONALD.
YOUR HAIR, IT WORKED! >> WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
>> WELL, THIS IS A MUSLIM IMMIGRANT FROM SYRIA.
SHE WAS ALLOWED TO COME TO AMERICA.
AND SHE DISCOVERED A PERMANENT SOLUTION FOR HAIR LOSS.
>> MY GOD, IT'S ALL REAL. IF THERE'S NO MUSLIM BAN, WHAT
ABOUT A POTENTIAL TERRORIST ATTACK?
>> WELL, IT WAS FOILED BY A TEAM OF TRANSGENDER NAVY S.E.A.L.S.
>> ALL RIGHT, WHEN IS THIS PARTY GETTING STARTED?
WHEW! >> BRETT KAVANAUGH, HOW IS THE
SUPREME COURT? >> ME ON THE SUPREME COURT?
WITH MY TEMPERAMENT, ARE YOU INSANE?
NO, THEY WENT WITH THAT NERD MERRICK GARLAND.
BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE WHEN I TELL PEOPLE I LIKE BEER, THEY FIND IT
CHARMING AND NOT LIKE I'M THREATENING VIOLENCE.
PLUS, I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TIME NOW TO HANG
OUT WITH P.J. AND SQUEE AND NEEDLE DICK NICK AND NO MEANS
YES NATE. HEY, I BROUGHT A LITTLE PRESENT
FOR YOU. IT'S A CALENDAR.
AND EVERY DAY IS A DIFFERENT BEER.
>> THANK YOU, BRETT. >> MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
LET'S DO THIS! >> BUT CLARENCE, WHAT ABOUT MY
AGENDA, ALL OF THE THINGS I WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH AS
PRESIDENT? >> WELL, THAT'S THE BEST PART
ABOUT NOT BEING PRESIDENT. YOU CAN STILL SAY THE SAME
STUFF, BUILD A WALL, BRING BACK COAL.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT ALL OF YOUR IDEAS
ARE IMPRACTICAL OR INSANE. SO AMERICANS LOVE YOU.
>> WOW, THIS IS ALL SO GREAT. IT'S LIKE ROBERT MUELLER DOESN'T
EXIST.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, REALLY?
HELLO, MR. TRUMP. I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT
FOR A LONG TIME. >> MR. MUELLER, I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO COME AND TALK TO YOU, BUT, GOLF.
>> I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. >> IS IT A SUBPOENA OR YOUR
FINAL REPORT? >> NO, REPORT?
NO, NO. NO, IT'S A PICTURE OF MY
GRANDSON. BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH MORE TIME
WITH HIM SINCE I DON'T HAVE TO INVESTIGATE SOME IDIOT FOR
TREASON. >> WAIT, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU KNOW
I USED TO BE PRESIDENT. >> I KNOW EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING! >> WOW, THIS NIGHT HAS PUT
EVERYTHING INTO PERSPECTIVE. I HAVE HAD AN EPIPHANY.
I GUESS THE WORLD DOES NEED ME TO BE PRESIDENT AFTER ALL.
>> YEAH, THAT WAS NOT THE LESSON AT ALL.
>> I WANT TO BE PRESIDENT AGAIN! I WANT TO BE PRESIDENT AGAIN!
>> LISTEN, DONALD, EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS, SOMEONE YOU KNOW
QUITS OR GOES TO JAIL. >> SO I AM PRESIDENT AGAIN!
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! >> NO, NOT THE LESSON!
>> SO MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! >> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!