>> Stephen: HOLLOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS, THE 2020 ELECTION IS ONE WEEK AWAY.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS, AND THEN GET A BETTER CALENDAR.
IT SHOULD BE ON THERE ALREADY.
ON NOVEMBER 3, I WILL HAVE A LIVE ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL ON
SHOWTIME.
AND, YES, BECAUSE IT IS PAY CABLE, I'M WILLING TO DO FULL
NUDITY AS LONG AS IT IS TASTEFUL, IN KEEPING WITH MY
CHARACTER, AND FORWARDS THE PLOT OF THE RESULTS FROM
PENNSYLVANIA -- WHICH I HEAR IS GOING TO BE A CLOSE SHAVE, WHICH
I WILL ALSO NEED BEFORE THE FULL NUDITY.
SO FAR, BIDEN IS AHEAD IN THE POLLS AND IN THE EARLY VOTING.
AND, APPARENTLY, THE SECRET TO BIDEN'S LEAD IS THAT PEOPLE FIND
HIM LIKABLE.
OKAY, SO, PEOPLE LIKE BIDEN BECAUSE HE'S LIKABLE.
FASCINATING.
THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, ANYONE CAN SEEM LIKABLE NEXT TO DONALD
TRUMP.
WELL, ALMOST ANYONE.
BUT THE BIGGEST NEWS IN THE ELECTION IS THE CORONAVIRUS, AND
THINGS ARE ONLY GETTING PLAGUE-IER.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:
"CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."
>> I'M ROUNDING THE TURN, DUDE!
>> Stephen: I JUST KEEP TALKING AND HE STAYS THERE?
OKAY.
IN THE PAST WEEK-- I WASN'T SURE-- THE U.S. AVERAGED OVER
70,000 NEW CASES A DAY, THE MOST IN ANY SEVEN-DAY STRETCH IN THE
PANDEMIC.
IT'S ESPECIALLY BAD IN SWING STATES.
NEW INFECTIONS ARE RAGING IN WISCONSIN.
THINGS ARE SO BAD THAT WISCONSIN IT HAS CHANGED ITS STATE MOTTO
FROM "FORWARD" TO "STAY BACK!
TRUMP'S PANDEMIC APPROVAL RATING IN THE BADGER STATE HAS DROPPED
FROM 51% IN MARCH TO 41% IN OCTOBER.
EVEN MORE.
POLLS HAVE FOUND THAT HOLDING RALLIES IN DEFIANCE OF
CORONAVIRUS HEALTH RECOMMENDATIONS HAS FUELED
VOTERS' DISAPPROVAL OF HIS HANDING OF THE PANDEMIC.
APPARENTLY, VOTERS ARE NOT RESPONDING TO HIS CAMPAIGN'S
CLOSING MESSAGE: "LET THE MASKLESS MAN SPIT ON YOU!"
IT'S A CLEAR MESSAGE.
THE VIRUS SURGE COULD HAVE A BIG EFFECT ON TRUMP VOTERS.
SO FAR, 66 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE VOTED EARLY.
IN FACT, PROJECTIONS INDICATE THE MAJORITY OF BALLOTS WILL BE
CAST BEFORE ELECTION DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY.
AS BEN FRANKLIN SO WISELY PUT IT, "EARLY TO BED AND EARLY TO
VOTE, GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE BEFORE HE DIGS A MOAT."
MOST OF THE EARLY VOTING HAS GONE TO THE DEMOCRATS, AND ON
THE OTHER SIDE, TRUMP HAS SPENT MONTHS WARNING HIS SUPPORTERS
AGAINST VOTING BY MAIL, SO THE G.O.P. IS ESSENTIALLY BETTING
ALL OF ITS CHIPS ON A STRONG ELECTION DAY.
HE'S TAKING ALL OF HIS CHIPS AND PUTTING IT ALL ON BLACK...
PEOPLE NOT VOTING.
BUT THEY HAVE ALREADY IN MASSIVE NUMBERS.
AND THE DISPARITY IN EARLY VOTING MEANS THAT TRUMP NEEDS A
HUGE TURNOUT ON ELECTION DAY IN THE MIDDLE OF A SURGING
PANDEMIC.
IT'S THE LAST ACT OF TRUMP'S DEATH CULT.
( AS TRUMP )
PUT ON YOUR NIKES, FILL YOUR THERMOS WITH KOOL-AID, AND GO
VOTE.
THEN I PROMISE, WE ALL BOARD THE SPACESHIPS TO THE COMET.
HERMAN CAIN, WE'LL SEE YOU SOON."
NOW, BIDEN IS GETTING A BOOST FROM ONE OF HIS FORMER RIVALS:
BILLIONAIRE MIKE BLOOMBERG, SEEN HERE IN FUN SIZE FOR HALLOWEEN.
BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN PAYING FOR PRO-BIDEN ADS IN FLORIDA, AND
THIS WEEK, BLOOMBERG WILL BE FUNDING A LAST-MINUTE AD BLITZ
IN OHIO AND TEXAS.
HE'LL BE REACHING OUT TO TEXAS VOTERS WITH HIS TRADEMARK TEXAS
STYLE.
( AS BLOOMBERG )
COW-POKES.
AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS POWERPOINT, YOUR TEXAS LONGHORN
STEERS ARE A WONDERFUL SOURCE OF PASTRAMI.
NEXT SLIDE."
LAST NIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY HELD A CONFIRMATION OF
EVERYTHING WE HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THEM.
FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE GO NOW LIVE TO THE INEVITABILITY
DESK.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE
INEVITABILITY DESK.
I AM AND WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE STEPHEN COLBERT.
HUGE DAY FOR THE INEVITABLE: WE CAN PROJECT WATER IS WET, DEATH
COMES FOR US ALL, AND LAST NIGHT, JUDGE AMY CONEY BARRETT
WAS CONFIRMED 52 TO 48, WHICH MEANS DONALD TRUMP NOW HAS AS
MANY SUPREME COURT APPOINTMENTS AS HE'S HAD WIVES.
AND UNLIKE TRUMP WIFE, THESE POSITIONS LAST A LIFETIME.
THIS HAS BEEN THE INEVITABILITY DESK.
BACK TO ME, STEVE.
THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
NOW, NOT EVERYTHING ABOUT BARRETT'S CONFIRMATION HAD TO
HAPPEN THE WAY IT HAPPENED.
BECAUSE AFTER THE SENATE VOTE, BARRETT WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE
FOR A HASTILY THROWN-TOGETHER SWEARING-IN CEREMONY AND BALDLY
POLITICAL PHOTO-OP WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP.
WHICH IS NOT NORMAL!
A MEMBER OF THE SUPREME COURT HASN'T BEHAVED SO
INAPPROPRIATELY SINCE JUSTICE KENNEDY APPEARED ON THE BENCH
WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT READ "IT'S NOT A GAVEL.
IT'S A CHICK HAMMER."
AMY CONEY BARRETT JOINING THE COURT COULD LET CONSERVATIVES
LIMIT VOTING IN THE ELECTION.
BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THEY'RE DOING IT ALREADY, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, ALONG IDEOLOGICAL LINES, THE SUPREME COURT
REJECTED A REQUEST TO EXTEND WISCONSIN'S DEADLINE FOR
COUNTING MAIL-IN BALLOTS, A DECISION WHICH COULD
DISENFRANCHISE UP TO 100,000 VOTERS.
OR AS THE CONSERVATIVE JUSTICES CALLED IT, "A GOOD START."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> VINTAGE LAWYER JOKE SLAM!
>> Stephen: THIS WAS A DUMB RULING DURING A PANDEMIC, WHEN
MANY AMERICANS ARE VOTING BY MAIL TO STAY SAFE.
BUT THE DUMBEST PART CAME FROM SUPREME COURT JUSTICE KAVANAUGH,
SEEN HERE ARGUING THE CASE OF "BRETT V. BARTENDER WHO CUT HIM
OFF."
KAVANAUGH RULED AGAINST LETTING ALL THE VOTES BE COUNTED, CITING
THE SUPREME COURT'S DECISION TO ARBITRARILY CUT OFF VOTING AND
HAND THE WHITE HOUSE TO A REPUBLICAN IN 2000'S "BUSH V.
GORE."
THAT CASE IS THE WORST THING TO COME OUT OF 2000!
AND A LOT OF BAD THINGS HAPPENED THAT YEAR.
WE STILL NEVER GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.
RE-OPEN THE COLD CASE!
APPARENTLY, JUSTICE KAVANAUGH HAS GRADUATED-- DID YOU LIKE
THAT JOKE OVER THERE?
DID YOU LIKE THAT ONE?
I DID, TOO.
APPARENTLY, JUSTICE KAVANAUGH HAS GRADUATED FROM LOCAL
MICROBREWS TO HUFFING PAINT THINNER, BECAUSE IN "BUSH V.
GORE," THAT COURT SPECIFICALLY SAID "OUR CONSIDERATION IS
LIMITED TO THE PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES," WHICH MEANS THIS
RULING COULD NOT FUNCTION AS A PRECEDENT.
WELL, I GUESS IT'S TOO MUCH TO EXPECT BRETT KAVANAUGH TO LISTEN
TO SOMEONE SAYING "STOP, DON'T DO THIS."
IN HIS OPINION, KAVANAUGH WROTE THAT STATES WHO TRY TO COUNT
BALLOTS THAT ARRIVE AFTER ELECTION DAY COULD BE HIT WITH
"CHAOS AND SUSPICIONS OF IMPROPRIETY."
HEY, BRETT, HAVE YOU LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW?
"CHAOS AND IMPROPRIETY" IS THE 2020 PROM THEME.
THREE WEEKS AGO, SOME PRETEND MILITIA YAHOOS PLOTTED TO KIDNAP
THE GOVERNOR OF MICHIGAN, AND WE'RE LIKE "OH, YEAH, THAT
HAPPENED."
ONE PERSON WHO WASN'T HAVING ANY OF KAVANAUGH'S ARGUMENT WAS
JUSTICE ELENA KAGAN, SEEN HERE IMAGINING A 13-MEMBER SUPREME
COURT.
IN HER DISSENT, KAGAN WROTE, "JUSTICE KAVANAUGH ALLEGES THAT
'SUSPICIONS OF IMPROPRIETY' WILL RESULT IF 'ABSENTEE BALLOTS FLOW
IN AFTER ELECTION DAY AND POTENTIALLY FLIP THE RESULTS OF
AN ELECTION,' BUT THERE ARE NO RESULTS TO 'FLIP' UNTIL ALL
VALID VOTES ARE COUNTED."
EXACTLY!
IF WE DON'T COUNT ALL THE VOTES, WE'RE NOT DECLARING A WINNER.
WE'RE JUST SAYING WHO'S AHEAD AT MIDNIGHT.
THERE'S A REASON YOU NEVER HEAR A BASEBALL ANNOUNCER SAY,
"BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH, BASES LOADED, ALL TIED UP, TAMPA BAY
3, LOS ANGELES 3.
IT'S A HIT!
A LONG FLY BALL, AND LET'S CALL IT THERE, FOLKS.
WE ARE WILLING TO PROJECT THE DODGERS GAVE ME MY JOB.
SO THEY WIN."
HEY, WISCONSINITES, LOOKS LIKE BRETT KAVANAUGH DOESN'T WANT
YOUR MAIL-IN VOTE TO BE COUNTED.
IN MADISON OR MILWAUKEE OR OCONOMOWOK OR WAUKESHA OR
OSHKOSH, B'GOSH.
SO MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD.
DROP YOUR BALLOT OFF IN PERSON.
TO LEARN HOW, VISIT OUR SITE, betterknowaballot.com/wi.
WHICH, OF COURSE, STANDS FOR "WIH THE PEOPLE."
SPEAKING OF VOTES, THE CANDIDATES ARE OUT THERE ON THE
ARE TRYING TO GET SOME.
TODAY TRUMP WAS IN MICHIGAN FOR ONE OF HIS SUPER SPREADER
RALLIES.
>> JEREMY, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS TO HOPE THE BLUE WALL ISN'T
REBUILT ALONG THE GREAT LAKES.
IS THAT BEHIND HIS TRAVEL PLANS TODAY?
>> YEAH, THERE'S NO QUESTION, BRIANNA.
♪ ♪ ♪ FIRST OF ALL, EXCUSE THE VOLUME
LEVELS HERE.
WE'VE GOT TED NUGENT ON GUITAR IN THE BACK HERE PLAYING A
RENDITION OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
BUT AS FOR THE PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN SCHEDULE, HE WILL BE
TRAVELING TO THREE KEY STATES TODAY.
HE'S GONNA BE HERE IN MICHIGAN.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T BELIEVE CNN PUT THAT ON AIR AS ANALYSIS OF
WHAT'S HAPPENING.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW PERFECT IT IS AS AN ANALYSIS OF WHAT IS
HAPPENING!
BECAUSE I THINK THAT CLIP CAPTURES EXACTLY THE INSIDE OF
OUR SKULLS RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE ALL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, MAYBE LISTEN TO
THAT QUIET VOICE TELLING US THE RIGHT THING TO DO, BUT DONALD
TRUMP IS TRYING TO DROWN ALL THAT OUT WITH "CAT SCRATCH
FEVER."
AFTER HIS NON-STOP RALLY SCHEDULE, YOU CAN TELL TRUMP'S
GETTING PRETTY TIRED.
TO GET HIM ONSTAGE IN MICHIGAN, THEY EVIDENTIALLY HAD TO LURE
HIM THERE WITH A HONEY-GLAZED PODIUM.
WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?
WAS-- WAS RUDY HIS OPENING ACT?
THE LAST WEEK OF THE CAMPAIGN IS TRADITIONALLY WHEN CANDIDATES
CRISS-CROSS THE COUNTRY, MAKING THEIR CLOSING ARGUMENTS TO
AMERICAN VOTERS.
AND TODAY, THESE TWO CANDIDATES STRUCK SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TONES.
BIDEN GAVE A SPEECH IN GEORGIA IN A PLACE CALLED "WARM
SPRINGS," WHICH IS ALSO HOW YOU COULD DESCRIBE TRUMP'S MATTRESS
IN THAT RUSSIAN HOTEL ROOM.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> ONE MORE FOR OLD TIME'S
SAKE?
>> Stephen: WHILE TRUMP WAS IN LANSING, MICHIGAN, LET'S HEAR
THEIR COMPETING VISIONS FOR THIS HISTORIC AMERICAN MOMENT.
>> OVER 225,000 PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR LIVES TO A VIRUS, MANY IN
THE CRUELEST WAY POSSIBLE.
>> COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,
COVID, COVID.
>> TOO MANY AMONG US SPEND MORE TIME SHOUTING THAN LISTENING,
MORE TIME FIGHTING THAN WORKING TOGETHER, MORE TIME DEMONIZING
AND DENIGRATING OTHERS THAN LIFTING THEM UP.
>> A.O.C. PLUS THREE-- WHO KNOWS LESS ABOUT THIS STUFF THAN ANY
HUMAN BEING ON EARTH-- BUT SHE DOES HAVE A GOOD LINE OF CRAP.
>> WE'LL ONCE MORE BECOME ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE.
A NATION UNITED.
A NATION STRENGTHENED.
A NATION HEALED.
>> WITHOUT TIVO, TELEVISION IS USELESS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, TWO SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CANDIDATES,
BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEHOW, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE TO LISTEN
TO THAT QUIET VOICE IN THEIR HEAD AND CHOOSE THE BETTER MAN
AND MAYBE JUST TIVO THE OTHER.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
DR. SANJAY GUPTA IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?