-Here at "Late Night," every night,
I deliver a monologue composed of jokes
written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that,
due to my being a straight white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think
that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you now
in a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪
[ Tape rips ]
Hey, everybody!
These are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny.
-I'm black! -And I'm gay!
-And we're both women. -And I'm not.
So I'll read the setups to these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
There is a new TikTok trend
in which users reportedly read excerpts
from a 30-page lesbian manifesto.
-A 30-page lesbian manifesto,
or as it's more commonly known,
the L.L. Bean catalog.
-Wild Foods Day was this week.
-Celebrate by eating something truly wild,
like potato salad made by white people.
-Amber, can you cook?
-No, but I can eat.
-Great, 'cause I cooked a --
-No, mnh-mnh.
-Kristen Stewart recently starred
in the movie "Happiest Season"
about a closeted lesbian who goes home for Christmas.
-Her family suspects she's a lesbian
when she keeps winning the ugly sweater contest.
-Jenny, what would you say
is the most lesbian thing about Christmas?
-Mm, the 12 drummers drumming.
-Sure. -[ Chuckles ]
-The International Olympic Committee
recently declared breakdancing an official Olympic sport.
-"What about this dance?"
asked white women.
-[ Laughs ] Now, Amber,
why do white women have their hands like that
when they dance?
-They're trying to call over the manager.
-Ahhhhhh.
A movie called "The Two Of Us" opens in theaters next month
about a French lesbian couple.
-French lesbians are like American lesbians,
except instead of "vibrator,"
they call it "electric baguette."
[ Laughter ] -That can't be true.
-"Le electric baguette," yes.
-The animated movie "Soul" premiered recently
about a black man whose soul accidentally gets separated
from his body.
-It's the story of Ben Carson!
[ Object thuds ]
-Scottish law -- That one made Wally drop a card.
[ Laughter ]
-Not B-B-B-B-Ben C-C-C-C-Carson!
Whoa! -[ Laughing ]
Scottish lawmakers voted recently
to make menstrual products free,
which is expected to cost $32 million a year.
-No word on how that cost will be absorbed.
-Jenny!
-Ooh, let me try! -Okay.
Scottish lawmakers voted recently
to make menstrual products free.
-And it's about bloody time.
-Amber! -[ Laughs ]
-Let me try again. -Okay.
Scottish lawmakers voted recently
to make menstrual products free.
-But I bet there's a string attached.
-Jenny!
-[ Giggles ]
-Connecticut will become the first state
to require high schools to offer Black Study classes.
-Class will start at 9:00,
but everyone will show up around 10:30.
Hey, Seth, do you know
how you get an "F" in Black Studies?
-How's that? -You do this.
-The makers of Bud Light Seltzer
recently launched a variety pack
with new flavors like peppermint patty.
-"This doesn't taste like Peppermint Patty,"
said Marcie.
-I do not have to stay for this.
-Seth, Seth, come back.
Seth, we'll act better than this.
-Okay.
-Seth, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, guys, I don't think I can!
-Oh, come on! Just one!
-Guys, I feel like when I tell it, it never ends well.
-It will! Do it! -Okay.
According to an NBC poll, one-third of black men
in the Midwest voted for President Trump.
Wow, so they even drank that Kool-Aid.
-[ Laughing ] How dare you!
-You told me it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-I told you in the meeting I didn't want to do it!
-[ Laughing ]
-Black women and lesbians are liars!
♪♪
[ Tape rips ]
Still better than the Peppermint Patty joke.