-Here at "Late Night,"
every night, I deliver a monologue
composed of jokes written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk
that due to my being a straight white male
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you now in a segment called,
"Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪
These are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny!
-I'm Black.
-And I'm gay.
-And we're both women.
-And I'm not, so here's how it works --
I'll read the setups to these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punchlines.
Here we go!
Archaeologists in Peru recently discovered
a 2,000-year-old image of a cat etched onto a hillside.
-Said lesbians, "I'll adopt it!"
-White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany
said recently that the phrase "Make America Great Again"
is pretty much synonymous with the phrase "Blue Lives Matter."
-And they're both synonymous with the phrase,
"Yeah, but where are you from from?"
-Amber, where are you from?
-Omaha!
-Yeah, but where are you from from?
-Wakanda. -Ah.
The Hallmark Channel has announced
that one of their Christmas movies this year
will be about a gay couple
hoping to adopt their first child.
-And the town that rises up to defeat them.
-Jenny! -I'm just kidding.
A town's not gonna keep gay people from adopting.
Amy Coney Barrett is.
-NASA has announced that they will no longer refer to planets
and galaxies by offensive nicknames
like Eskimo Nebula and the Siamese Twins Galaxy
and will instead call them by their scientific names.
-Also, the "B" in "Black holes" is now capitalized.
-Amber, do you capitalize "black" when you write it?
-Yes, and also when I say it.
Black!
-Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan are starring in a new movie
about two women who fall in love in the 1800s.
-It's called,
"My Hand Accidentally Brushed Against Yours
And I Thought About It For the Next 30 Years."
-Jenny, what's your favorite lesbian movie?
-"Ocean's 8." -Ah.
The streaming service Disney+, has put a disclaimer
before certain programs to warn viewers of racist content.
-"Oh, should we be doing that too?"
asked Fox News.
So wait, Disney+ put a disclaimer before movies
that are racist, but you can still watch them?
-Yes.
-So, the only thing that's changed
is that we know that they know
that what they're doing is wrong?
-Yes.
-That sounds about white.
-Swiss hockey player and fencer-turned-mountain-biker
Camille Balanche recently became the first out lesbian
to win the UCI Downhill Mountain Biking World Championship.
-A hockey playing, fencing, mountain biking lesbian
from Switzerland -- or as it's more commonly known,
a Swiss Army wife.
-According to a new report,
the U.S. has an out-of-control population
of so-called "super-pigs."
-Hey, that's not nice.
Just call them cops.
-Amber! -♪ Oooooooh ♪
-The website "Film Daily" recently published a list
of the hottest lesbian sex scenes from TV.
-Lesbian sex is like straight sex,
except there are two orgasms.
-Wait, but I have one --
Oh. -Mm.
-This year marks the 100th anniversary
of the 19th Amendment, which granted women the right to vote.
-"Oh, did it?"
said Black women.
-Hey, Seth, why don't you tell one?
-Ohhhhh, I couldn't.
-Come on, just one.
-I just never feel like it ends well.
-Do it. -Okay.
According to a new study, Black women with natural hairstyles
are less likely to get job interviews than white women.
Said lesbians, "What's a hairstyle?"
-[ Gasps ] Seth!
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so s-- Let me try again.
Netflix has ordered a new lesbian teen vampire series,
so instead of coming out at night,
they come out in college.
-How dare you!
-I'm fine with that one.
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-There's no audience.
The laughs are the same as groans.
[ Laughter ]
Black women and lesbians are liars!
-[ Gasps ]
♪♪
[ Tape tears ]
We'll be right back with Natalie Portman.