>> Stephen: OH, HEY!
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
GOOD EVENING, NEWLY MINTED REDDIT MILLIONAIRES!
I'M SURE YOU'RE ALL WATCHING THIS FROM THE MARBLE BATHTUB ON
YOUR HOVERCRAFT, THANKS TO YOUR SAVVY STOCK MARKET MANIPULATION
OF GAMESTOP, TOOTSIE ROLLS, BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO, AND, BY THE
TIME THIS AIRS, I'M GOING TO SAY, CRYSTAL PEPSI?
MORE ON THAT LATER.
FIRST, THERE'S AN ALARMING SURGE IN ANOTHER AMERICAN INDUSTRY:
WHITE SUPREMACY.
YESTERDAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND
SECURITY ISSUED A BULLETIN, WARNING OF A HEIGHTENED THREAT
ENVIRONMENT ACROSS THE UNITED STATES DUE TO HOMEGROWN VIOLENT
EXTREMISTS.
ALL RIGHT, I UNDERSTAND IT'S A PANDEMIC, WE'RE BAKING OUR OWN
SOURDOUGH, BUT CAN WE PLEASE NOT GROW OUR OWN TERRORISTS?
ACCORDING TO D.H.S., THESE ARTISANAL EXTREMISTS ARE DRIVEN
BY OBJECTIONS TO THE PRESIDENTIAL TRANSITION, AS WELL
AS OTHER PERCEIVED GRIEVANCES FUELED BY FALSE NARRATIVES.
AS OPPOSED TO THE PERSON WHO PUSHED THOSE NARRATIVES, WHO'S
FUELED BY THE 20-PIECE BUCKET.
SO THE LOOMING THREAT OF CONTINUED INTRAMURAL VIOLENCE
RAISES THE IMPORTANT QUESTION: WILL THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
FINALLY TAKE A STAND AGAINST THE MAN WHO LEGITIMIZED AMERICAN
FASCISM?
FOR THE ANSWER, WE TURN TO HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN WHO...
AW, DAMMIT, HE WENT DOWN TO MAR-A-LAGO TODAY.
YOU'RE GOING TO GO SUCK UP TO THE MAN WHO SENT GOONS TO KILL
YOU?
THAT'S NOT A LACK OF SELF-RESPECT, THAT'S A LACK OF
SELF-PRESERVATION.
THAT'S LIKE TURNING TO THE CANNIBAL WHO'S SLOWLY EATING YOU
AND SAYING, "I'M SORRY FOR INITIALLY RUNNING AWAY FROM
YOU.
ALL THAT CARDIO REALLY TOUGHENED MY THIGH MEAT.
HERE, LET ME TENDERIZE THEM WITH SOME VINEGAR AND MISO.
SO WHY THE HELL IS MCCARTHY DOING THIS?
SOURCES SAY THAT HE IS CAUGHT BETWEEN G.O.P. MEMBERS WHO THINK
THE ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL WAS SEDITION AND THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S FERVENT SUPPORTERS.
POOR GUY.
HE'S CAUGHT BEEN A ROCK AND A DUMB-AS-A-ROCK.
EVIDENTLY, THE ONLY THING SCARIER TO REPUBLICANS IN
CONGRESS THAN A VIOLENT MOB, IS THE FEAR THAT THE VIOLENT MOB
MIGHT NOT LIKE THEM ANYMORE.
ACCORDING TO ONE PARTY STRATEGIST, THE EX-PRESIDENT'S
MOST LOYAL FANS ARE A VOTING COALITION THAT MATTERS IN THIS
COUNTRY.
THEY HAVE A VOICE, AND THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE THAT VOICE HEARD.
WE'VE HEARD THAT VOICE.
THEY HAVE A CLEAR PLATFORM, AND THEY WANT TO HANG MIKE PENCE
FROM IT.
ONE CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICAN WHO'S GOT THE HOMICIDAL-VOTE ON
LOCKDOWN IS GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND CHURCH CAMP
DIRECTOR DESCRIBING PUBERTY IN BIBLICAL TERMS, MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE.
GREENE IS ALREADY INFAMOUS FOR HER SUPPORT OF Q-ANON, BUT
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE THIS WEEK,
REPORTERS UNEARTHED ONLINE POSTS WHERE GREENE REPEATEDLY
INDICATED SUPPORT FOR EXECUTING PROMINENT DEMOCRATIC
POLITICIANS.
OKAY, THAT'S PROBABLY GOING TO COMPLICATE THIS YEAR'S
CONGRESSIONAL SECRET SANTA.
HUH, SEE WHAT I GET HERE.
MY PERSON GOT ME A SEVERED HORSE'S HEAD.
I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY UNDER $25.
THE SPECIFICS ARE GRIM.
IN ONE FACEBOOK POST, A GREENE SUPPORTER ASKED OF HILLARY
CLINTON AND BARACK OBAMA: "NOW DO WE GET TO HANG THEM?"
AND GREENE REPLIED, "STAGE IS BEING SET, PLAYERS ARE BEING PUT
IN PLACE.
WE MUST BE PATIENT."
HOLY HAUL THEM TO THE HAGUE, BATMAN!
SHE'S NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE DISCREET.
AT LEAST MOBSTERS USE CODED LANGUAGE.
THERE'S A REASON THE GODFATHER DOESN'T SAY THIS:
>> I'M GOING TO MAKE AN OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE, BECAUSE IF HE DOES
I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.
>> STEPHEN: AND THIS WEEK, A VIDEO SURFACED OF GREEN BERATING
ONE OF THE PARKLAND SURVIVORS.
>> DAVID, WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING THE RED FLAG LAWS?
DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO DEFEND YOUR STANCE?
LOOK, I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, I'M A GUN OWNER.
I HAVE A CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT.
I CARRY A GUN FOR PROTECTION.
THE BEST WAY TO STOP A BAD GUY WITH A GUN IS WITH A GOOD GUY
WITH A GUN.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT LOOKS STUPID AND CRUEL, BUT THAT
COULD JUST BE A FALSE FLAG OPERATION BY ANTIFA TO GET US TO
THINK MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE IS A CHILD-HARASSING PSYCHOPATH.
LUCKILY, SHE WON'T HAVE MUCH TIME TO YELL AT THE KIDS ABOUT
HER GUNS, BECAUSE HOUSE REPUBLICANS JUST APPOINTED
GREENE TO THE HOUSE EDUCATION COMMITTEE.
OH, COME ON!
THE LADY WHO DENIES SCHOOL SHOOTINGS IS IN CHARGE OF
EDUCATION?
WHY NOT JUST APPOINT SURGEON GENERAL JOE CAMEL?
"WARNING: SMOKING CAN MAKE YOU DANGEROUSLY COOL."
NOW, I HEAR YOU ASKING, SURE, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE HAS SAID
AND DONE SOME HORRIBLE THINGS ON EARTH, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE SHE HAS
ANY CRAZY IDEAS ABOUT OUTER SPACE?
FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S A CRAZY QUESTION, AND SECOND OF ALL,
YES, SHE DOES.
IN THE MIDST OF THE DEVASTATING CALIFORNIA WILDFIRES OF 2018,
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE WENT ON FACEBOOK AND CLAIMED THAT THE
REAL AND HIDDEN CULPRIT BEHIND THE FIRE WAS A LASER FROM SPACE
TRIGGERED BY SOME NEFARIOUS GROUP OF PEOPLE.
WHO STARTED THE FIRE?
SO FAR, THE ONLY PERSON WE CAN RULE OUT IS BILLY JOEL-- HE'S
GOT AN AIRTIGHT ALIBI!
BUT CLAIMS LIKE THESE REQUIRE PROOF, RIGHT?
WELL, HERE'S MARJY'S EVIDENCE: "ODDLY, THERE ARE ALL THESE
PEOPLE WHO HAVE SAID THEY SAW WHAT LOOKED LIKE LASERS OR BLUE
BEAMS OF LIGHT CAUSING THE FIRES."
THAT'S AN EMBARRASSING WAY TO ADMIT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF
LIGHTNING "AND THEN THE SOCIALIST
LIZARDMEN SHOT JAGGED LASERS OUT OF A CLOUD.
THAT ANGERED THE SKY SO IT WENT "ROAR!" AND THE SKY WEPT.
AND THEN, THANKS TO Q-ANON, THE SKY STOPPED CRYING AND A RAINBOW
APPEARED.
AND WE SHOT OUR GUNS AT IT BECAUSE RAINBOWS ARE GAY.
THE DEFENSE RESTS."
SO WHERE DO THESE FICTIONAL SPACE LASERS COME FROM?
WELL, ACCORDING TO CONGRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, IT COULD
HAVE BEEN A BEAM FROM "SPACE SOLAR GENERATORS."
A "SPACE SOLAR GENERATOR."
SO, THE SUN?
SO WHO IS TO BLAME?
ACCORDING TO THE HONORABLE REPRESENTATIVE CRAZY-PANTS
MCGEE, THERE ARE PLENTY OF FOLKS TO POINT AT AND SHRIEK,
INCLUDING A VICE CHAIRMAN AT "ROTHSCHILD INC, INTERNATIONAL
INVESTMENT BANKING FIRM."
WAIT, THE ROTHCHILDS AND INTERNATIONAL BANKERS
CONTROLLING HIGH ENERGY WEAPONS IN LOW ORBIT?
WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY BE IMPLYING?
>> JEWS IN SPACE!
(ECHOES) >> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, MEL.
AND OF COURSE, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S EASY TO IDENTIFY SPACE
JEWS-- THEY'RE THE ONES WHOSE ROCKETS HAVE A BRIS.
>> LET'S GET BACK TO THE THING I WAS TALKING ABOUT AT THE TOP OF
THE SHOW.
YOU SEE, THE CHAOS CONTINUES ON WALL
STREET AS HEDGE-FUND TITANS LOSE BILLIONS TO REDDIT TRADERS
RUNNING AMOK.
AHH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THOSE POOR HEDGE FUND MANAGERS.
NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO INVEST INTO WHOEVER
MANUFACTURERS THE WORLD'S TINIEST VIOLINS.
HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON.
LATE LAST YEAR, TWO HEDGE FUNDS STARTED SHORTING STOCK IN THE
RETAIL STORE GAMESTOP.
MEANING, THEY HAD BET AGAINST IT AND NEEDED IT TO DROP IN PRICE
FOR THEIR INVESTMENTS TO BE SUCCESSFUL.
YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN A SIMILAR CONCEPT IN THE MOVIE "THE BIG
SHORT," OR ITS POPULAR VIDEO GAME SPIN-OFF, "GRAND THEFT
PENSION FUND."
UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE HEDGE FUNDS, AGAIN, WHOSE BUSINESS
MODEL IS "I THINK YOUR COMPANY SUCKS AND I HOPE YOU (BLEEP)
DIE," SMALL INVESTORS STARTING BUYING THE STOCK, LED BY
SOMETHING CALLED "WALL STREET BETS," A POPULAR, JUVENILE,
FOUL-MOUTHED REDDIT PAGE.
SO A REDDIT PAGE.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED -- REDDIT HAS A LOT OF GAMERS WHO
HAVE A SOFT SPOT FOR GAMESTOP WHICH ISN'T IN GREAT SHAPE AS A
COMPANY.
AND WHEN "WALL STREET BETS NOTICED THAT HEDGE FUNDS HAD
TAKEN A LARGE SHORT POSITION IN GAMESTOP STOCK, THEY DECIDED TO
PUNISH THE WALL STREET BIG BOYS AND LAUNCHED A COORDINATED
BUYING SPREE."
NORMALLY, WHEN IT'S TIME FOR WALL STREET BIG BOYS TO BE
PUNISHED, THEY HAVE TO PAY MISTRESS ELECTRA.
THE REVOLUTIONARIES ON REDDIT ARE ALSO SPANKING WALL STREET'S
ASS, BECAUSE SHARES OF GAMESTOP HAVE RISEN OVER 1,700% SINCE
DECEMBER, AND BY YESTERDAY, IT HAD GONE FROM A MARKET VALUE OF
$2 BILLION TO $24 BILLION.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF GAMESTOP'S MANAGEMENT COLLECTING
THEIR EARNINGS: ♪
♪ NOW, THAT METEORIC RISE IS A
DISASTER FOR THESE BIG WALL STREET HEDGE FUNDS, BECAUSE
HERE'S HOW SHORTING WORKS.
LET'S SAY YOU THINK THE PRICE OF BEANIE BABIES IS GOING TO CRASH.
BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE THEY WERE HOT.
SO YOU BORROW YOUR FRIEND'S "PINCHERS THE LOBSTER" BEANIE
BABY, AND SELL IT ON EBAY.
YOUR FRIEND ISN'T UPSET, BECAUSE YOU'RE GIVING THEM A DOLLAR,
PLUS YOU'VE PROMISED TO RETURN A LOBSTER BEANIE ABY TO THEM AT
SOME POINT.
AND IF IT GOES UP INSTEAD OF DOWN, YOU'LL GIVE THEM A LOT
MORE MONEY AS COLLATERAL ON THAT BEANIE BABY.
YOU FIGURE, NO ONE COLLECTS THESE ANYMORE, YOU'LL ACTUALLY
BUY ONE AT A LOWER PRICE AND POCKET THE DIFFERENCE.
BUT WHILE YOU'RE DOING THIS, A GROUP ON REDDIT COLLECTIVELY
DECIDES THAT BEANIE BABIES ARE VALUABLE, AND THEY REALLY DON'T
LIKE YOU.
SO THEY DECIDE TO BUY UP ALL THE BEANIE BABIES.
THE PRICE EXPLODES.
NOW YOU OWE YOUR FRIEND A TON OF MONEY, WHICH YOU HAVE TO PAY IN
BEANIE BABIES, WHICH YOU CAN'T GET BECAUSE REDDIT BOUGHT THEM
ALL, AND SO THE PRICE GOES SKY-HIGH, WHICH MEANS YOU OWE
EVEN MORE MONEY IN EVEN MORE BEANIE BABIES, WHICH DRIVES UP
THE PRICE EVEN MORE.
THAT GOES UP IN A RECURSIVE LOOP, WHICH MEANS YOU COULD
THEORETICALLY LOSE INFINITE MONEY.
AGAIN, IN BEANIE BABIES, WHICH YOU KNOW ARE WORTHLESS, WHICH IS
WHY YOU BET AGAINST THEM!
THAT'S WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THESE HEDGE FUNDS.
SO FAR, GAMESTOP SHORT-SELLERS HAVE LOST $5 BILLION.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, IF ANY HEDGE FUND BROS ARE OUT OF WORK, I
KNOW OF A PLACE THAT MIGHT BE HIRING.
SO, WALL STREET'S NOT HAPPY.
SEE, THEY LOOK DOWN ON THE REST OF US.
IN FACT, ON WALL STREET, INDIVIDUAL INVESTORS ARE OFTEN
DERIDED AS "DUMB MONEY."
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE SHORT-LIVED $4 BILL FEATURING
STEVE URKEL.
AND THEY THINK IT'S UNFAIR THAT SOMEONE ELSE GETS TO BULLY
PEOPLE WITH PILES OF MONEY.
AS ONE SHORT-SELLER BITTERLY PUT IT, "I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS
THIS CULT-LIKE."
(AS TRADER) "THOSE REDDIT PEOPLE ARE A TOTAL
CULT.
NOW, FELLOW TRADERS, LET US READ THE GOSPEL OF ADAM SMITH, AND
THEN SING TODAY'S OPENING HYMN:
KLANG-KLANG-KLANG-KLANG-KLANG!" AMEN.
SO NOW, THESE HEDGE-BROS ARE SCREAMING FOR SOMEBODY, ANYBODY
TO STOP THEIR BLEEDING.
AND TODAY, GAMESTOP CLOSED DOWN 44%, IN PART, BECAUSE A LOT OF
COMPANIES RESTRICTED STOCK SALES, AND THE TRADING APP
ROBINHOOD STOPPED USERS FROM TRADING GAMESTOP STOCKS
ENTIRELY.
YES, EXACTLY WHAT ROBIN HOOD IS KNOWN FOR, LOOKING OUT FOR THE
RICH GUYS.
HEDGE FUNDS HAVE ALSO BEEN ASKING WHETHER REDDITORS
ORGANIZING ONLINE LIKE THIS COULD BE CONSIDERED MARKET
MANIPULATION.
OH!
YOU'RE ALL FOR UNFETTERED CAPITALISM, UNLESS YOU LOSE?
COME ON GUYS, THERE'S NO MANIPULATION!
THIS IS JUST THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET, EXTENDING YOU AN
INVISIBLE MIDDLE FINGER.
WHAT?
ON THE OTHER HAND, NO ONE REALLY KNOWS HOW THIS IS GOING TO END.
ESPECIALLY SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI.
>> WELL, I UNDERSTAND-- IT'S INTERESTING, ISN'T IT?
I UNDERSTAND THE ADMINISTRATION IS TAKING A LOOK, THE S.E.C. IS
TAKING A LOOK AT WHAT THAT IS.
WE'LL ALL BE REVIEWING IT.
IT IS INTERESTING.
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS ONE WAY TO PUT IT.
IT CERTAINLY GRABS THE ATTENTION THAT A HORDE OF FINANCIAL
INTERNET GAMERS HAS MADE THE BLOATED PLUTOCRATS SOIL THEIR
HUGO BOSSES BECAUSE THEY'VE UNLOCKED THE DIGITAL PITCHFORK.
BUT DON'T WORRY, HEDGE FUND MANAGERS.
I'M SURE, OVER TIME, ALL THE MONEY THESE REDDITORS ACCUMULATE
WILL TRICKLE DOWN.
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO BE PATIENT AND UNTIL THEN, PULL YOURSELF UP
BY YOUR COCAINE STRAPS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE VIGGO MORTENSEN, AND "NEW YORK TIMES" COLUMNIST
CHARLES BLOW.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪