Once upon a time, Johnny Depp was the most intriguing actor in Hollywood
Now, one hit franchise will usher in the end of his creative choices, turning him into
a boring parody of himself...
But who cares? Now he owns a f**king island.
Pirates of the Caribbean.
Witness the Disneyfication of pirates, history’s most notorious foul-mouthed rapists and murderers
where the cursing is PG,
"Pestilent, traitorous, cow-hearted, yeasty codpiece."
"Ruthless, soulless, cross-grained cur."
'rape' becomes 'raid,'
"Raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out."
and murder is physically impossible.
"You're not dead!"
"No!"
Buckle your swashes for Curse of the Black Pearl, a straightforward adventure romp that
everyone loved
then Dead Man’s Chest, that everyone was sort of on-board for, where they all betray
each other to find a teleporting squid monster’s heart
At World’s End that everyone was totally fed up with, where they all betray each other
while the squid monster teams up with the British East India company
causing the pirate U.N. to release a sea goddess who’s in love with the squid monster, except
for when she isn’t,
and On Stranger Tides, that finally --
wait, what? They made a 4th one?
Ugh.
How many of these things can they do? They're based on a f**king theme park ride for god's
sake!
Johnny Depp shines as Jack Sparrow
"Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please."
the legendary pirate made out of dreadlocks and guyliner.
Watch this Oscar-worthy match between actor and role as he hams it up with a trademark
barrage of
catchphrases,
"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?"
"Savvy."
impractical escapes,
and silly walks
in this half-drunk Keith Richards impression that really should be dead by now
kind of like Keith Richards.
"Does this face look like it's been to the fountain of youth?"
Spend the rest of your time in the pale embrace of the boring lovers Orlando Bloom and Keira
Knightley,
two perfect faces in the middle of a scurvy ridden hellhole
whose will-they-won’t-they relationship will have everyone
saying:
“Where did Jack Sparrow go?"
until they're replaced in the 4th one by their cheaper, but just as pale, equivalents.
Baton down the hatches for nearly 10 overstuffed maritime hours of
impossible sword fights,
stupid wigs,
terrible teeth,
alcoholism,
"Why is the rum gone?!"
"Why is the rum always gone?"
"Rum's gone too..."
"Hide the rum."
that song from the ride,
"Drink up, me hearties."
"Yo ho."
"Yo ho, a pirate's life for me."
"I love this song!"
and women dressed in cinema's least-convincing boy disguises.
Mustache or not, I would totally pork that dude.
Starring...
Captain Jack Spare Us From Any More of These Movies,
Keira Daily,
Barnacle Bill,
Why Not Zoidberg?,
Finnicky,
Deadwoodmen Tell No Tales,
Captain Morgan,
Miss Cleo,
A Japanese Pornstar,
and Orlando Florida.
Jack Sparrow of the Caribbean (And Some Other Pirates).
You used to be cool, man!
What the hell happened to you?
"Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by."