‘Love’ has been the most recurring subject in Bollywood.
Countless movies have been made where love is either a central theme
or a part of their narrative.
Over the years...
these narratives seem to have shaped our understanding of love.
Unfortunately,
they have also ruined love for our generation.
The way we love today
to an extent
is a result of misguided ideas propagated through these movies.
First of which is the idea of the soulmate.
The person that when we find our soul will fuse with theirs.
We will break free from the shackles of loneliness
and embrace an eternal friend and lover
who is meant only for us.
Countless Bollywood romantic films set their premise around the central idea of ‘The One’.
The Soulmate.
A perfect human being made for you and you alone.
This notion leads to the troubling idea of self-righteousness.
Romantic films completely negate the fact that at the very core of our nature,
all of us are deeply flawed and imperfect.
Bollywood tricks us into believing
that we all are easy to live with.
But trust me, we are not.
We all are crazy.
The idea of “the one” is delusional.
This quest of finding THE ONE means our characters will have to travel a lot.
And they love traveling.
So naturally,
a lot of couples meet while they are on road
or visiting their future partner’s hometown.
The reason they can devote an awful lot of time in travels
is that none of the romantics have jobs or any sort of responsibilities.
They don’t have to study for higher education,
or work for a better paycheck,
or pay off their bank loans,
or strive to fulfill personal ambitions
All of those real life issues that you and I have to face.
As per romantic films,
finding love is more important than personal ambitions or responsibilities.
And when you do find that person,
how do you fall in love?
Well according to Bollywood, you fall in love through instincts.
These instincts are based on a special feeling that can only be evoked by that special person.
But there was something between the two of us...
You can be busy talking to your friend
but you’ll bump into a person,
your eyes will meet theirs
and you will experience what alcoholics refer as ‘love at first sight’.
According to Bollywood,
it is not love if you have to put any thoughts
or reasons into it
You can't decide to fall in love...
It just happens.
Now, something very interesting happens in romantic films
that I have never experienced in real life.
People expect their loved ones to know what is going on in each other’s mind.
They don’t feel the need to express it out loud.
They should just know.
"Look into my eyes Nandini."
"The love I used to find in your eyes...
It's not there anymore."
Bollywood discourages expressing feeling through words.
We then also expect our partner to understand us intuitively.
Which of course ends in failure.
And it leads to the inevitable outbreak of sulking!
And sulking, according to romantics,
is a sign that you and your love life is doomed.
Quite an absurd notion because none of us is a bloody mind reader!
Unless your lover is Prof X. Xavier!
But you can make up for all of that through a grand romantic gesture
that will win your partner over.
At least in the movies.
In real life, that leads to public embarrassment.
Now whatever I’ve said so far isn’t exclusive to Bollywood films.
Hollywood has also employed the same ideas
to structure their love stories.
The roots of these ideas stem from the philosophy of Romanticism,
developed in Western Europe during the 18th century.
All of the already mentioned ideas are discussed in romanticism.
Plus, there are more.
Romanticism speaks strongly about marriage
and the role of sex in a love relationship.
However, Bollywood presented these notions with its own twist.
Bollywood has elevated marriage to a level that it has become the ultimate expression of love.
That’s why a lot of romantic films end when two lovers either get together
get married.
Marriage is supposed to be the crowning jewel of love.
So marrying a person you do not already love romantically,
or the person chosen by your family,
even if there’s nothing wrong with the person, is a disaster.
. Marriage can be beautiful and successful only if you love the person beforehand.
So what if there’s nothing common between the two of you
and your love is solely based on infatuation?
You will end up Happily Ever After.
Another false dream propagated by Bollywood that assumes
that the rest of their life will have no problems at all.
They will never be jealous of each other’s success or disagree on any of the decisions.
They will never be attracted to another person
and sex will always be fulfilling.
Speaking of sex...
Bollywood has presented a very distorted notion of sex.
It is an important aspect of romanticism which Bollywood conveniently shy away from.
In romanticism, sex is the ultimate expression of love.
But in our movies, that honor goes to marriage.
So keeping the Indian sensibilities in mind,
sex became a literal parameter to judge a woman’s purity and sanctity
"You hung out with him all these day..."
"Did something happen?"
"It's nothing like that mother...nothing!"
"So what's the problem?"
A woman’s sexuality is presented in such a manner
that it no longer remains her personal and private affair.
It, in fact, becomes a matter of pride and honor of her entire family and community.
"What stage your relationship has reached?"
"Did you something that could embarrass the family?"
"Speak up Nandini!"
"Did he touch you somewhere?"
And it is important
that our hero protects this pride in every way possible.
"I am an Indian."
"And I know the value of an Indian girl's pride."
Now such misrepresentation is only a part of a larger issue.
Romantic films are mostly about a man falling in love with a woman.
Rarely you’ll get a movie about a girl falling in love with a guy
and trying to win him over.
There’s a familiar pattern to these movies.
At first, the girl refuses the guy,
then the guy tries harder and harder and eventually wins her love over.
This narrative assumes that if the girl first says no,
it just means that the guy has to try harder
and a ‘no’ will eventually turn into a ‘yes’.
Bollywood also validates the creepy
and stalking nature of guys.
In fact, those guys are portrayed as the quintessential romantics.
Bollywood also promotes the idea that love
sometimes can be violent.
And it is okay if your boyfriend screams or abuses you once in a while.
He does it only because he truly loves you,
not because he is borderline crazy.
"Taking it lovingly, or I can slap you to accept it."
The adverse effects of this careless portrayal are there to be seen in real world.
However, stalking, abusive behavior and rude pranks are okay
as long as the guy is handsome or rich or both.
It’s cute if Raj does this.
If I do the same, I’ll be in jail.
And isn’t it weird that almost all of Bollywood romantic movies are about
good looking people falling in love with each other?
It also seems like there are different parameters for guys and girls in our romantic films.
The harder the handsome guy tries, the more romantic he becomes.
If the girl tries the same,
she is at the very least an eccentric,
or at the most, a crazy vamp.
If a guy gets a girl,
it means HE won her love.
If a girl gets a guy,
it means HE accepted her love.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you my love!"
"All dream that were dead.."
"Are all alive now!"
And it is an accepted fact
that for a girl to make a guy fall for her,
she has to change herself to meet his criteria of a perfect girl.
"Loose hair looks good on her..."
"Your hair..."
"Looks good when loose."
Over the last one hundred years,
cinema has become a big part of our culture.
So it would be foolish to say these romantic films haven’t influenced our approach towards love.
Be it subconsciously,
we judge our potential partners through the lens of these superficial,
and sometimes psychotic narratives.
That’s why we have to question our romantic view of love.
Not to destroy love but to save love.
We have to save ourselves from this popular romantic idea of true love.
Because whether we like it or not,
the idea of true love
is delusional.
It only inflates our ego and a sense of self-righteousness.
But that doesn’t mean love is overrated?
What is overrated
is our ability and capacity to love.
"That's why in every relationship guys over-commit and under deliver."
"We can talk the talk but not walk the walk."
So instead of turning to these Romantic Films,
it would be better if we look at the ancient Greek vision of love
which is invested in the mutual admiration for what is virtuous
and accomplished in another person.
It involves a quest of educating one another
to become better versions of themselves.
Because love can’t be just about what you feel.
It is ultimately a skill.
A skill that needs time and patience to nurture.
And if you think you are not getting any better at it,
then don’t worry,
no one else is either.