WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND GIRL
WONDER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND TONIGHT --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND TONIGHT, WE'RE COMING TO YOU NOT QUITE LIVE AFTER TODAY'S
JANUARY 6TH COMMITTEE HEARINGS.
TODAY'S INSTALLMENT WAS HUGE.
GIGANTIC.
IT WAS A SUPER BIG-- (GULPS)
GULP!
THE COMMITTEE PAINTED A CHILLING AND CRIMINALLY INSANE PORTRAIT
OF AN ATTEMPT TO STEAL THE ELECTION BY WEAPONIZING THE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE COURTESY OF FORMER PRESIDENT
SCAMMY DOOFUS, JR. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NOW -- NOW FOLKS --
( CHEERING ) ( LAUGHTER )
AT THE START OF THE HEARING LIZ CHENEY RECAPPED WHAT WE'VE
SEEN SO FAR: >> WE HAVE SEEN HOW PRESIDENT
TRUMP PERSUADED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF HIS SUPPORTERS TO
TRAVEL TO WASHINGTON, D.C. FOR JANUARY 6.
AND WE WILL SEE IN FAR MORE DETAIL
HOW THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY AND MARCH TO THE CAPITAL WERE
ORGANIZED AND CHOREOGRAPHED.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.
IT WAS ALL CHOREOGRAPHED.
"FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!
STORM, STOMP, WINDOW SMASH!
KICK, BALL-CHANGE, JAZZ HANDS...
AND ZIP-TIE THEM!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
POW!
ZIP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WHOO!
>> Stephen: TODAY -- YEAH, I STILL GOT IT, BABY!
( CHEERING ) TODAY'S HEARING WAS LED BY
ILLINOIS REPUBLICAN AND GUY WHO'S THRILLED THE
PROPERTY BROTHERS GAVE HIM A NEW ACCENT WALL, ADAM KINZINGER.
KINZINGER EXPLAINED HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO KEEP THE
PRESIDENCY SEPARATE FROM THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT:
>> THE PRESIDENT CANNOT AND MUST NOT USE THE DEPARTMENT
TO SERVE HIS OWN PERSONAL INTERESTS.
AND HE MUST NOT USE ITS PEOPLE TO DO HIS POLITICAL BIDDING.
THE PRESIDENT CANNOT PERVERT JUSTICE.
>> STEPHEN: YES!
EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT IS TECHNICALLY A PERVERT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THESE ARE THE KEY WITNESSES, RIGHT?
THESE ARE THE KEYS?
THANK YOU, FRIEND.
THE KEY WITNESSES TODAY WERE FORMER ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL
AND DOBBY THE HOUSE LAWYER JEFF ROSEN, AND FORMER ACTING
DEPUTY ATTORNEY GENERAL RICHARD DONOGHUE, SEEN HERE GETTING
DUMPED VIA SKYWRITING.
( LAUGHTER ) THESE TWO GUYS TOOK OVER THE
D.O.J. AFTER BILL BARR SAW WHERE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
CRAZY TRAIN WAS GOING AND SAID, "THIS IS MY STOP."
( LAUGHTER ) KINZINGER ASKED ROSEN WHAT
HAPPENED ONCE THEY TOOK OVER.
>> MR. ROSEN, ON CHRISTMAS EVE, YOUR FIRST OFFICIAL DAY AS
ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL, PRESIDENT TRUMP CALLED YOU.
WHAT DID HE WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
>> THE SAME THINGS HE WAS TALKING ABOUT PUBLICLY.
>> STEPHEN: SO, LOW-FLOW TOILETS AND WINDMILL CANCER?
NO?
( LAUGHTER ) KEEP IN MIND, THIS WAS ON
DECEMBER 24th.
WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO SPEND CHRISTMAS EVE:
"'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH D.C.
THE POTUS WAS SCREAMING 'THE WINNER WAS ME!'
THE CONSPIRACIES HUNG LIKE A STENCH IN THE AIR
AS THIN AND AS FAKE AS THE PRESIDENT'S HAIR."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS
PERSISTENT, AS KINZINGER EXPLAINED:
>> IN THE WEEKS LEADING TO JANUARY 6, THE DEPARTMENT OF
JUSTICE WAS FIELDING ALMOST-DAILY REQUESTS FROM THE
PRESIDENT TO INVESTIGATE CLAIMS OF ELECTION FRAUD.
EACH CLAIM WAS REFUTED AND TIME AGAIN, AN EFFORT ATTORNEY
GENERAL BARR DESCRIBED AS "WHACK-A-MOLE."
>> STEPHEN: AND WHEN THAT WHACK-A-MOLE DIDN'T WORK
THEY WOULD EVENTUALLY GO ON TO "WHACK MIKE PENCE."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: REALLY?
ARE YOU JUST LEARNING THAT FROM ME RIGHT NOW?
( LAUGHTER ) SO, THE NEW HEAD OF THE D.O.J.
TOLD THE PRESIDENT, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO EVIDENCE THAT THE
VOTES WERE FRAUDULENT AND THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN.
AND HERE'S HOW THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED:
>> "JUST SAY THE ELECTION WAS CORRUPT, AND LEAVE THEN REST TO
ME AND THE REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN."
>> STEPHEN: SURE, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LAW WORKS.
THAT'S WHY THE OPENING TO "LAW & ORDER" GOES LIKE THIS:
>> "IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM, THE PEOPLE ARE
REPRESENTED BY TWO SEPARATE YET EQUALLY IMPORTANT GROUPS.
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, WHO ACCUSES A CRIME WITH NO PROOF,
AND THE REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS, WHO MAKE UP CRAP TO JUSTIFY IT."
(CHUNG-CHUNG!) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SO, KEEP IN MI MIND -- WHAT KINZINGER READ OFF
THE D.O.J.'S NOTES IS THE HEART OF THE CRIME.
THE PRESIDENT KNOWS THERE'S NO EVIDENCE,
BUT HE WANTS THE D.O.J. TO LIE, AND SAY THAT THERE IS, SO THAT
HIS CRONIES IN CONGRESS CAN OVERTURN THE FAIR ELECTION.
AT ONE POINT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS SPEWING SO MANY
INSANE CONSPIRACIES, DONOGHUE HAD TO START JOTTING THEM DOWN
TO KEEP THEM STRAIGHT.
>> I BEGAN TAKING NOTES, ONLY BECAUSE, AT THE OUTSET, THE
PRESIDENT MADE AN ALLEGATION I HAD NOT HEARD, AND OF COURSE,
THAT CONCERNED US.
SO, I SIMPLY REACHED OUT AND GRABBED A NOTEPAD OFF OF MY
WIFE'S NIGHTSTAND, AND A PEN, AND I STARTED JOTTING IT DOWN.
>> STEPHEN: THEN, LATER THAT DAY, HIS WIFE CAME HOME AND
SAID, HONEY, WHY DID YOU WRITE HUGO CHAVEZ-TRAINED DOLPHINS ARE
SMUGGLING BALLOTS INTO NUCLEAR HURRICANES?'
DARLING, ARE YOU HAVING A STROKE?"
DO YOU SMELL TOAST?
( LAUGHTER ) AS THE HEARINGS WENT ON, WE
LEARNED HOW THE PRESIDENT'S DESPERATION LED HIM TO MAKE
SHOCKING REQUESTS: >> THE PRESIDENT WAS A LITTLE
MORE AGITATED THAN HE HAD BEEN ON MEETING-- IN THE MEETING ON
THE 15TH.
HE DISCUSSED A VARIETY OF ELECTION MATTERS.
THERE WAS A POINT AT WHICH THE PRESIDENT SAID SOMETHING ABOUT,
"WHY DON'T YOU GUYS SEIZE MACHINES?"
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A VERY CASUAL WAY TO END DEMOCRACY.
"HEY, GUYS, WHY DON'T YOU SEIZE ALL THE MACHINES?
I'LL CANCEL THE ELECTIONS AND JUST ORDER SOME SECRET POLICE
FOR THE TABLE.
WILL YOU GUYS GO HALVSIES ON FASCISM WITH ME?
I HEAR THE BROWN SHIRTS HERE ARE AMAZING."
-- DELICIOUS.
( APPLAUSE ) TRUE STORY.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS TOLD IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS BY THE D.O.J.
AND THE D.H.S., YOU CANNOT SEIZE THE MACHINES.
AND AS CRAZY AS IT IS TO SAY, NONE OF THAT WAS THE CRAZY PART.
BECAUSE KINZINGER ALSO SHARED THIS:
>> THE FINAL EMAIL HERE INCLUDED A COMPLETELY BASELESS CONSPIRACY
THEORY THAT AN ITALIAN DEFENSE CONTRACTOR UPLOADED SOFTWARE TO
A SATELLITE THAT SWITCHED VOTES FROM TRUMP TO BIDEN.
>> STEPHEN: AH, YES, THE ITALIAN SATELLITE CONSPIRACY!
AND I'M BEING TOLD "THE LATE SHOW" HAS ACQUIRED FOOTAGE OF
THE HIGH-TECH ITALIAN SATELLITE SYSTEM.
♪♪ ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A SPICEY
A-CONSPIRACY!
OF COURSE, THEY DIDN'T JUST PULL THIS ITALIAN SPACE HACK THEORY
OUT OF THEIR BUTTS.
THEY PULLED IT OUT OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S BUTT.
BECAUSE REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN SCOTT PERRY FORWARDED A VIDEO TO
CHIEF OF STAFF MARK MEADOWS, AND MEADOWS SENDS THE YOUTUBE VIDEO
TO THE D.O.J. COMMANDING THEY INVESTIGATE,
THEY PLAYED A CLIP OF IT TODAY, AND I WILL SAY, IT STARTED OUT
STRONGLY WEIRD.
HERE'S SOME GUY CLAIMING SOME CONSPIRACY BY SOMEONE.
>> THERE WAS A CERTAIN STATE DEPARTMENT GUY, WHOSE NAME I
DON'T KNOW, YET-- I GUESS THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO COME OUT IN
ITALY AT SOME POINT.
AND HE WAS THE MASTERMIND TO THE -- NOT THE MASTERMIND -- NOT THE
MASTERMIND, BUT THE GUY RUNNING THE
OPERATION OF CHANGING THE VOTES.
AND THAT HE WAS DOING THIS IN CONJUNCTION WITH SOME SUPPORT
FROM M.I.-6, THE C.I.A., AND THIS LEONARDO GROUP.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT!
( LAUGHTER ) "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN THERE ON THE NIGHT OF THE MURDER BECAUSE HE WAS WITH--
I DON'T KNOW YET-- GOING TO COME OUT AT SOME POINT.
ANYWAYS, I BLAME THE LEONARDO GROUP.
OR DONATELLO, MICHELANGELO, OR RAPHAEL.
THEIR PAY-OFF WAS PIZZA.
THEIR CODEWORD: COWABUNGA.
HEROES IN A HALFSHELL."
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
KINZINGER SUMMED UP HOW RIDICULOUS THE FORMER
PRESIDENT'S CONSPIRACY THEORIES WERE:
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST EXAMPLES OF THE
LENGTHS TO WHICH THE PRESIDENT TRUMP WOULD GO TO STAY IN POWER.
SCOURING THE INTERNET TO SUPPORT HIS CONSPIRACY THEORIES, SHOWN
HERE, AS HE TOLD MR. DONAGHUE IN THAT DECEMBER 27
CALL, "YOU GUYS MAY NOT BE FOLLOWING THE INTERNET THE WAY I
DO."
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: ON THE TOILET, WITH
SAFE SEARCH OFF?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHEN ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL ROSEN REFUSED TO INTERFERE
IN THE ELECTION, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TURNED TO ASSISTANT
ATTORNEY GENERAL FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, AND HIGH SCHOOL
PRINCIPAL WHO'S HAD IT WITH THIS RAP MUSIC, JEFFREY CLARK.
CLARK HAD DRAFTED A LETTER THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT LIKED VERY
MUCH, INTENDED TO BE SENT TO GEORGIA STATE ELECTION
OFFICIALS, THAT WAS GOING TO CLAIM THE D.O.J. HAD EVIDENCE OF
MASSIVE ELECTION FRAUD, EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T.
EVERYONE THOUGHT CLARK'S PROPOSAL WAS CRAZY, INCLUDING
WHITE HOUSE ATTORNEY ERIC HERSCHMANN:
>> I THOUGHT JEFF'S PROPOSAL, CLARKE'S PROPOSAL, WAS NUTS.
I MEAN, HERE'S A GUY THAT, AT A CERTAIN POINT, YOU KNOW, LISTEN,
THE BEST I COULD TELL WAS, THE ONLY THING YOU KNEW ABOUT
ENVIRONMENTAL AND ELECTIONS CHALLENGES IS THAT THEY BOTH
START WITH "E", AND BASED ON YOUR ANSWER TONIGHT, I AM NOT
EVEN CERTAIN YOU KNOW THAT.
>> STEPHEN: TO WHICH CLARK REPLIED, "OF COURSE THEY DON'T!
'ENVIRONMENT' STARTS WITH 'N,' AND 'ELECTIONS' STARTS WITH 'L'!
A-DUH."
( APPLAUSE ) THEN, AS WITH ALL THE
EX-PRESIDENT'S CRIMINAL SCHEMES, IT WAS TIME TO HEAR ABOUT RUDY
GIULIANI'S ROLE.
>> DO YOU REMEMBER EVER RECOMMENDING TO ANYBODY THAT
MR. CLARK, MEANING JEFFREY CLARK AT D.O.J., BE GIVEN
ELECTION-RELATED RESPONSIBILITIES?
(LONG PAUSE) >> YOU MEAN BEYOND THE
PRESIDENT?
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS A LONG PAUSE, BUT IT DOES TAKE A WHILE
TO CHUG A BOTTLE OF YELLOWTAIL CHARDONNAY.
RUDY EVENTUALLY ANSWERED.
>> YOU MEAN BEYOND THE PRESIDENT?
>> CORRECT.
(PAUSE) ( LAUGHTER )
>> WELL, BEYOND THE PRESIDENT I DO RECALL SAYING TO PEOPLE
THAT SOMEBODY SHOULD BE PUT IN CHARGE OF THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT
WHO ISN'T...
FRIGHTENED OF WHAT IS GOING TO BE DONE TO THEIR REPUTATION.
>> STEPHEN: IF THERE'S ANYONE WHO'S PROVEN HE DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO HIS REPUTATION, IT'S RUDY.
"I SAID WE NEED SOMEONE IN CHARGE OF JUSTICE WHO WON'T MIND
BEING REMEMBERED AS A WINE-DRENCHED FASCIST-APOLOGIST
WHO BETRAYED HIS NATION NEXT TO SOME DISCOUNT DILDOS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A GREAT PRICE.
SLIGHTLY USED.
GENTLY USED.
GENTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ROSEN REFUSED TO SEND CLARK'S
LETTER, SO CLARK CONVINCED THE PRESIDENT TO GIVE HIM ROSEN'S
JOB.
AS THE HEAD OF THE D.O.J.
THAT LED TO-- LET'S SAY, A TENSE MEETING IN THE OVAL OFFICE,
WHICH THE COMMITTEE ILLUSTRATED WITH SOME CUTTING-EDGE GRAPHICS.
LOOK AT THOSE PALE, TRANSLUCENT BODIES.
THEY CLONED MIKE PENCE!
( LAUGHTER ) AT THE MEETING, DONOGHUE
EXPRESSED WHY HE HAD DOUBTS THAT CLARK WAS THE MAN FOR THE JOB:
>> I MADE THE POINT THAT JEFF CLARK IS NOT EVEN COMPETENT TO
SERVE AS THE ATTORNEY GENERAL.
HE HAS NEVER BEEN A CRIMINAL ATTORNEY, HE HAS
NEVER CONDUCTED A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION IN HIS LIFE.
AND HE KIND OF RETORTED BY SAYING, "WELL, I HAVE DONE A LOT
OF VERY COMPLICATED APPEALS, AND CIVIL LITIGATION, AND
ENVIRONMENTAL LITIGATION, AND THINGS LIKE THAT."
AND I SAID, "THAT IS RIGHT.
YOU ARE AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER.
HOW ABOUT YOU GO BACK TO YOUR OFFICE, AND WE WILL CALL YOU
WHEN THERE IS AN OIL SPILL?" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: OH, DAMN!
THIS IS THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE AND YOU JUST GOT SERVED!
"HEY, JEFF!
WHY DON'T YOU GO SCREW A PROTECTED OTTER, YOU GRASS-HOLE.
ISN'T THERE A BABY PELICAN YOU SHOULD BE SCRUBBING WITH A
TOOTHBRUSH?
YOU WANT TO BE HELPFUL?
GO HUMP A REDWOOD, YOU SHAVED LORAX."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BETO O'ROURKE AND "STATION ELEVEN'S" MATILDA
LAWLER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE BACK HERE FOR MORE MONOLOGUE
ABOUT THE FOLKS WHO CRIMED AND HOW THEY ASKED THE
PRESIDENT TO GET THEM OUT OF THEIR CRIME TIME.
STICK AROUND, Y'ALL.