YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE, CAREFULLY
TENDING AND PRUNING THE DAY'S BIG STORIES TO CREATE THE
BEAUTIFUL BONZAI TREE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO WANDER INTO THE WOODS, GATHER UP SOME
TWIGS AND DRIED MUD FLAKES, ADD A FEW PINE CONES, TOP IT OFF
WITH SOME LOOSE WOODCHIPS, AND LAY OUT THE DUSTY POTPOURRI BOWL
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
"MEANWHILE!"
>> Stephen: MAGIC!
IT'S MAGIC!
IT'S A MAGIC CARPET, IS WHAT IT IS.
MEANWHILE, THE INTERNET IS ABUZZ OVER THE LATEST HIJINKS FROM
TESLA C.E.O. AND MAN ASKING "WHO'S READY FOR SOME STREET
MAGIC?" ELON MUSK.
AT THE CEREMONY TO OPEN A NEW TESLA PLANT IN CHINA, THE SPACEX
FOUNDER LAUNCHED HIS BOOTY ROCKET TO PLANET DANCE.
♪ ♪ ♪ WOW, THAT IS TERRIBLE.
THANK GOODNESS ELON HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO QUIT WHILE HE WAS--
OKAY, THERE'S MORE?
♪ ♪ ♪ >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
( CHEERS )
WANT TO BE.
( LAUGHTER )
MAKES ME DANCE LIKE THAT, AND MY FIRST THOUGHT IS, "GIVE THEM
MORE."
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, "EATING CHILIES CUTS THE
RISK OF DEATH FROM HEART ATTACK AND STROKE."
NOW, THAT IS WELCOME NEWS!
YOU HEAR THAT, DR. EICHLER?
YOU KEEP TELLING ME TO STOP GOING TO CHILI'S, BUT TURNS OUT
THEIR LOADED BONELESS WINGS ARE THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME ALIVE.
( APPLAUSE )
BUGS WERE INTENTIONALLY RELEASED INTO A PENNSYLVANIA WALMART.
EITHER THAT, OR EVEN BED BUGS CAN'T RESIST AN $8 DVD PLAYER.
( LAUGHTER )
ILLINOIS AS OF THE NEW YEAR, AND "MARIJUANA SHOPS SOLD MORE THAN
$10.8 MILLION WORTH OF RECREATIONAL WEED IN THE FIRST
FIVE DAYS OF SALES."
( APPLAUSE )
STONERS WILL UNDERSTAND: YOU KNOW RICK WAKEMAN'S ORGAN SOLO
IN "ROUNDABOUT?" THAT MUCH WEED.
(LAUGHTER) MEANWHILE, A NEW START-UP WANTS
TO HELP COMPANIES CUT DOWN ON LONG BATHROOM BREAKS WITH A
"TOILET THAT DEVELOPERS SAY WILL MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO LEAVE AFTER
FIVE MINUTES."
OH, OUR WORKPLACE ALREADY HAS A DEVICE THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO
LEAVE THE BATHROOM.
HIS NAME IS JEFF.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS NEW TOILET MAKES USING THEM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH A "SEAT THAT
IS SLOPED FORWARD BY ABOUT 13 DEGREES TO INCREASE STRAIN ON
THE LEGS."
THE COMPANY WILL "TARGET OFFICES, AS THEY BELIEVE CUTTING
DOWN ON THE LENGTH OF EMPLOYEE BATHROOM BREAKS WOULD
DRAMATICALLY IMPROVE PRODUCTIVITY."
OH, YES, NOTHING MAKES PRODUCTIVITY SOAR LIKE TELLING
YOUR EMPLOYEES, "YOU'RE POOPING TOO LONG, SO WE'RE SPENDING
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON TORTURE TOILETS.
ALSO, THIS MEETING COUNTS AS DAVE'S RETIREMENT PARTY.
ALL THE BEST, DAVE."
MEANWHILE, RETAIL GIANT "PIER 1 IS CLOSING HALF OF ITS STORES."
OH, NO!
NOW WHERE WILL WE GO TO GET...
THESE THINGS.
( LAUGHTER )
TWINE-CREATURE'S GONADS?
HELP ME OUT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
MEANWHILE, BONNAROO ANNOUNCED THEIR 2020 LINEUP TODAY, AND IT
INCLUDES SOME BIG NAMES LIKE TAME IMPALA AND LIZZO, PLUS
LESSER KNOWN ACTS LIKE FLUME, TOO MANY ZOOS, KURSA, HESH AND
SLOWTHAI, AS WELL AS APPLEJACK, MORSE CODE, BALDPATE, FATHORN,
AND CRONE.
ALSO, I STARTED SAYING RANDOM WORDS SEVERAL BANDS AGO.
( LAUGHTER )
UP JUST NONSENSE, IT TURNS OUT THERE IS A BAND CALLED CRONE
FROM NORTHERN GERMANY, AND FATHORN IS AN ACTUAL RACE HORSE
IN FLORIDA.
BOTH, BY THE WAY, WILL BE AT BONNAROO.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ROSE BYRNE AND BOBBY CANNAVALE.