MEANWHILE, THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY IS STARTING TO GET
SERIOUS, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT
ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE."
THE FIRST TWO ROUNDS OF DEBATES HAD 20 PEOPLE ON STAGE, BUT FOR
THE NEXT DEBATE, THE CURRENT NUMBER IS AROUND EIGHT PEOPLE
QUALIFYING SO FAR.
THAT'S BECAUSE IN ORDER TO QUALIFY, DEMOCRATS HAVE TO POLL
AT 2% IN FOUR SURVEYS AND HAVE 130,000 UNIQUE DONORS.
AS OPPOSED TO THE FIRST DEBATE, WHEN YOU COULD QUALIFY JUST BY
GUESSING THE ANSWER TO A RIDDLE FROM A BRIDGE TROLL.
(AS TROLL) "ANSWER YE MY RIDDLES THREE: WHO
PAYS FOR MEDICARE IF WE GET IT FOR FREE?
AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO STROKE MY GOATEE?"
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THE RULES FOR OCTOBER'S DEBATE THE ONE AFTER SEPTEMBER'S
DEBATE, ARE THE SAME AS THE RULES FOR SEPTEMBER'S DEBATE,
WITH A LATER DEADLINE.
WHICH MEANS AFTER CULLING THE FIELD FOR THE SEPTEMBER DEBATE,
THE RULES COULD LET SOME CANDIDATES BACK IN FOR OCTOBER.
NO!
DAMN IT, NO!
THE WHOLE POINT IS ELIMINATION.
HERE'S A REASON THAT MARCH MADNESS DOESN'T GO "ELITE
EIGHT," "FINAL FOUR," "TERRIFIC TWELVE," "NIFTY NINE," "THRIFTY
THIRTEEN."
THEY GO DOWN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CERTAINLY NOT QUALIFY FOR...
WELL, ANYTHING, IS NEW YORK MAYOR BILL de BLASIO, SEEN HERE
DELIVERING HIS SIGNATURE CATCHPHRASE: WHY AM I HERE?
( LAUGHTER )
INTERVIEW WITH "POLITICO," AND THEY ASKED HIM ALL THE
HARD-HITTING POLICY QUESTIONS, LIKE "DO YOU HAVE ANY
TATTOOS?" TO WHICH HE REPLIED:
"NO... I THINK I'D WANT SOMETHING ROMAN.
BIG GLADIATOR FAN."
WHY AM I READING THIS?
WE HAVE de BLASIO ON TAPE: >> YOU LIKE MOVIES ABOUT
GLADIATORS?
>> Stephen: HE CONTINUED, "I'M JUST BEING PROUD OF MY HERITAGE,
THE WELLSPRING OF DEMOCRACY, AND I'M ALSO PISSED OFF THAT THEY
SCREWED UP THE ROMAN REPUBLIC, SO I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN OVER
THAT."
HASN'T GOTTEN OVER-- I'M GLAD HE'S GOT HIS FINGER ON
THE PULSE OF WHAT MATTERS TO VOTERS IN 44 B.C.
(AS de BLASIO) "IT IS TIME FOR COMMONSENSE
JAVELIN CONTROL.
WE MUST STOP DEMONIZING THE CELTIC IMMIGRANTS, AND I WILL
SEEK LONG-AWAITED PEACE WITH GALLIC CHIEFTAIN ONTAEOGON."
( LAUGHTER )
LOOK IT UP!
( APPLAUSE )
HAD TO GO ON A ROAD TRIP WITH ANOTHER 2020 CANDIDATE, WHO
WOULD HE CHOOSE TO TRAVEL WITH, AND HE ANSWERED, "BERNIE."
OH, MY GOD, CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT GOING ON A ROAD TRIP WITH BERNIE
SANDERS?
(AS BERNIE) "TURN OFF THE A.C.
I'M ROLLING DOWN THE WINDOWS TO DO MY HAIR.
I'M HANGING OIT LIKE A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
SLOW DOWN.
MY TONGUE IS GETTING DRY.
NOW, PULL OVER.
I NEED TO REDISTRIBUTE 90% OF THE GATORADE I HAD EARLIER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"PUT THE STEELY DAN BACK ON!"
"DRINK YOUR BIG BLACK COW AND GET OUT OF HERE!"
OF COURSE, de BLASIO'S ODDS ARE PRETTY LOW.
AND BY LOW I MEAN IN A RECENT POLL OF NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS,
OUT OF ALL OF THE PEOPLE THEY TALKED TO, BILL de BLASIO GOT
ZERO VOTES.
NOT 0%, ZERO VOTES, NONE.
IN FACT, THERE IS FOOTAGE OF THE FOCUS GROUP RENDERING THEIR
DECISION.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.