What up, sexy!
Now, much as I seem to have developed a permanent nostalgia boner for Revenge of the Fallen,
that doesn't mean that the film is magically good now.
For me, the Constructicons remain one of the most bewilderingly mishandled ideas
in a franchise rammed with mishandled ideas.
I still really dislike what they did with Devastator!
And it's not even a "G1 rools, Bayverse droolz" thing,
I'm so over that conversation.
It just felt like such a waste of a setpiece!
Like, the Constructicons were doing action scenes over in the village,
Demolishor had already been dead for an hour and a half,
and then Devastator just happened separately over there.
How does that even work? Was there two of everybody?
Is that... Bonecrusher?
Oh, wait! Did I forget to disengage my brain?
Why am I bothering to question the movies? It never goes anywhere, and there's never an answer!
Ah, just blow 'em up then! Sod it, right?
Doesn't matter. Army'll get 'em. Just blow 'em up.
Movie's over. Go home.
And the toys were almost exactly as frustratingly executed!
I mean, they were kinda good and I enjoyed 'em when they came out!
It bugged me that they didn't combine though, 'cos isn't that the point?
And the versions that DID combine were either pathetically small and only semi-accurate
or impractically enormous and kinda shitty.
Snap back to the present day, then, and the Studio Series is at long last providing the
fully-formed combining Movie Constructicons we've been achin' for!
Or, that we were breifly achin' for ten years ago and then forgot about.
Still though - yaaaay!
So let's get into it with the only Constructicon who matters -
Shawty put that junk up like you was a dump truck for Studio Series Long Haul!
Yes mate! So Long Haul's always been one of my favourite movie baddie bots
'cos he's 'orrible and ugly, but he doesn't have that off-putting overdesigned bramble bush thing goin' on
that so many of 'em do.
Like, it seems like the designer knew when to stop.
And indeed, Studio Long Haul Blart Haul Cop here certainly delivers on the heavyset humungachungus
that that breathtaking Josh Nizzi concept art promised us, just one short decade later!
Right, let's get the comparisons out the way right off the bat,
'cos this is indeed not Long Haul's first Voyager rodeo
so how does he stack up against the original '09 beefbeast?
Well, he's definitely a lumpier loverboy!
He's probably about the same in terms of actual mass, but way more densely packed.
Like, maybe it immediately looks smaller, but it's a way tighter design and much less of a mess!
And, in Old Long Johnson family style, it's certainly a somewhat shallow Haul.
Like, he's all width and girth, and very little depth!
Same.
But anyway, check him out!
So Long Haul's hulky body here is a solid sculpted hunk of the best kind of Bayverse excess!
I always loved these two panel-strap seatbelts here,
like, they're basically containing his little paunch of techno guts there and lashin' 'em back
like boss man braces on a big business bastard!
Head's a nasty little snot goblin nubbin lost amongst his bod bulk
with his signature gross mandibles and creepy human nose illusion!
Plenty of alt-mode guff noisyin' up his shoulders and back there, but you can't really call it kibble.
Like, it is a lot, but part of what's so great about Haul Thomas Anderson is how much he
embodies his alt-mode!
Like, yeah, he's got the parts of a dump truck, but he's also got the surly, put-upon demeanour of one.
Like it's up to him and him alone to carry all this crap around,
"aaahh, why me!?"
It's just pure in situ storytelling!
Plus these double-stacked wheels are cool as shit and you know it.
Arms are a borderline annoying affair!
They're showin' off some truly top-level sculpting, love all the inlaid industrial detail -
like these awesome roundy motor shoulders, and the joints in there are acceptably supple!
Sadly he can't pull off the King Diamond wrist action that was so fun about the old guy
but, perhaps more pressingly, the entire posability's basically at the mercy of these monstrous kibblebergs
which truly are egregiously overbearing
and they ain't even got swords in 'em.
But I do kinda dig how brazenly bullish they are
and I guess these teeth look like they could pack a nasty enough nip.
Legs are pretty much perfect!
They're just slathered in detail! Wheels are lookin' wicked
and I'm weirdly into this false frontage on the thighs
which themselves are chunky as heck and oddly protrudey
and he's frightfully flexible for a fuller figure fella!
He's like friggin' Fei Long Haul over here.
Now, the colours I assume are screen accurate?
Not that you can tell from Haul Bettany's 0.8 nanoseconds of screen time.
But they do feel a touch dreary and desaturated.
I feel like that's kind of an endemic thing with the movie bots though,
and at least he actually is a colour,
but I think the traditional Constructicon garish green glare got me spoiled there.
Still though, there's a fun kind of arterial theme to all the silver touches,
with all his hydraulics carefully picked out like roboblood plumbing!
Love his little radiator loincloth, and like, is that his heart in his belly?
Same.
So, Haul in all, the robot mode's basically the Long Haul I've longed for!
Just a stocky and satisfying murky green jerk machine!
[HORRIBLE GRINDING SLUDGE RIFF]
Transformation's fun enough!
It's all very limbs-heavy and it gets a bit messy as to which way around the arms are supposed to go
but I love how the bod chunk just stays completely motionless while everything else happens around it.
And the alt-mode's a crackin' crap carrier that pulls off a stunnin' switch-up
from the robot mode's bulbous lumpitude,
presentin' all these gorgeous, smooth real-world surfaces for deep quarry realness!
Love the blunt force front end there, slammin' into town like a ballsy brutalist bruiser!
Just wide and weighty and so substantial,
with like this sheltered plateau with a little house on it.
Wheels are a vision of strength, all chonkin' tyres and formidable size
and I love how perfectly they mesh with the underbelly,
quietly gurglin' away down there like a heavy quag of low-hangin' guts.
Best not to look 'round the back, 'cos he's still basically right there.
Hellooooo
Bed's a bit of a blue baller though, 'cos there's no room to put anything in there.
It's already loaded up with mechanical mush and his own naked hands
and like, it doesn't do the tilt thing that was so fun about the other one.
I dunno, man. I don't expect miracles but it's just a tiny bit frustratin'.
'Cos this is the first Movie Long Haul toy for ten years
and it'd just be nice if it could do everything!
But remember why we're here, okay?
Robot mode's good, that's in the bag, he's got Devastator duties to deal with,
something's gotta give!
I mean, the dumper mode still mostly looks all right and it feels hella tight,
so what if it can't do the thing that is the point of this kind of vehicle?
Movin on to the Studio standard pack-in backdrop then,
check out the cheeky Constructicon club badge,
oh great, it's the pyramids.
My favourite sceEeEene.
To be fair, he does pop pretty hard against the sandy tones
and it's not like it's the scenery's fault the movie was bollocks,
so you can stand him on there and imagine a better one!
But yes, as part of the wider Constructicon meta,
good old Haul of Cybertron flops on his ass and pulls a bizarre headstand
to form this Voyager class foot!
And it's pretty good, y'know!
It's big as frig, plenty of surface area and a serious ankle waggle
and it seems to form a fairly sturdy base
for what promises to be an absolutely obscenely enormous Devastator
- of wallets!
[annoying twatty laugh]
Why are Transformer fans like this?
So, on his own terms, Studio Long Haul slightly stumbles on the alt-mode
but still just about delivers a powerful payload of cinematic strength!
And he certainly does make a tempting teaser for the Devastator megacombiner
but like, it is just one of eight different figures that's gonna run you anywhere between £20-60 each!
So I can't say for sure if I'm gonna be on board for the full ride.
But, right here and now, I'm definitely here for the Long Haul.
Haul yeah!
Haulright then, hope you enjoyed that one!
So big love this time to Sean Rossignol for being a long time supporter of the show!
Got y'all in here, my friend. See ya next time!
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Robocentric vocabugasm.