Namaste everybody Lisa a Romano
here the break to life coach and as most of you know I specialize in helping
adult children from abusive homes heal from codependency codependency which has
been created as a result of childhood programming and as I like to say dear
one it's not you it's your programming ain't nothing wrong with you except your
programming and I'm a life coach that helps you delve into what that
programming is and I teach you the skills that you need to help you heal
from it and move forward so today I'm reading a viewers quest actually it's
not a question today I'm really really excited this email is from Phoenix Fire
who comments regularly on my channel nameste Phoenix fire and I got so
excited when I read your comment that I printed it and I wanted to do a video
about it immediately because you personify accountability dear one you
personify what might shot what my channel is all about and what it's
trying to do which is empower you and put the power back into your hands so
that you can become the creator that you are meant to be and manifest the kind of
life experiences you want to manifest so until you tap into the power that's
within you you can't manifest what you want and this is the problem so those of
us who have been abused in childhoods we have these traumas that we're trying
to work out and we're still stuck up on was stuck on the idea that we need
validation outside of ourselves because we're seeking the sense that we're
enough and our self right our perception itself does not know that we're enough
until someone outside of us says you're enough now in a perfect beautiful world
mommy and daddy would have done a really good job and they would have said you're
enough Phoenix fire you're enough sam-i-am
you're not Lisa whatever you're enough Michael you're not whoever in a perfect
world then our parents your parents would have been able to validate you and
you would feel anchored in a self and then you can go out and then you could
create what you want to create because you would be a forward moving thinker
and you wouldn't be stuck like or a needle on a record you know
you would have felt seen now your perception would tap into self your
feelings your nuances you'd validate it and you you would see life as an
adventure and you would go after your dreams for those of us who are stuck we
are stuck because we have yet to feel good enough and until we feel good
enough we don't feel valid and until you feel valid you don't feel worthy and you
don't pay attention to how you feel you don't validate how you feel so when you
feel like being a painter you poopoo it when you feel like being a dancer you
say that's not for me that's for those people when you feel like being whatever
a construction worker or a mathematician or a professor or whatever you find ways
to downplay it because you don't know how to connect to the self so I am
really really big on seeing the problem seeing the program and then taking
accountability for what's in it and then doing whatever we can to objectify it
and learn how to be self-aware because without self-awareness you don't
have any personal power because if you don't know what's wrong you can't fix it
and if nothing changes nothing changes so if your life sucks if something
doesn't change you can't change it now this is the thing the only person that
can change anything in your life is you other people can help you like people
like me and other teachers on YouTube can help you but ultimately only you can
fix you so I just want to read this amazing letter from Phoenix Fire she
writes Lisa I hope you know what a lifesaver you really are snapshot of
getting comfortable with being uncomfortable moment this morning so
that's one of the videos that I have posted on my channel new relationship
with sweet guy who chose to spend his day with his friends instead of me I
felt angry sad disrespected and very alone sounds ridiculous and getting F
and after getting comfortable with the discomfort breaking it down by realizing
he has a right to spend time with his friends and not me it's okay only being
only by being cognitive of my own reaction and how I was trying to
manipulate to fulfill my emotional needs by trying to change
his mind and when that didn't work I immediately went to push him away
mindset to punish him for hurting me so deeply by not choosing me okay well if I
don't see you today I'll see you Wednesday
punish him so he would see the error of his ways after he left I got real with
myself asking why do I feel so rejected and lonely from there I broke down where
and why these feelings came from and of course realized this is on me
this is my codependent issue of not feeling validated not feeling important
enough for him to want to pick me over everybody else every time as silly and
illogical as it sounds the heart and pain of my heart was real and felt
devastating i watch your videos all the time but still feel it I'll always be
stuck in this emotional hell I'm almost 50 and want to be free of myself how
does one escape from this do I just keep checking in with myself good comfortable
being uncomfortable is this the only way I feel like it's too slow to me to make
a real difference and I will just pull back into old thinking happens have
habits because of not enough noticeable progress any advice please keep your
videos coming it's my only hope thank you for sharing the knowledge well miss
Phoenix fire first of all you did a phenomenal job you did you broke it down
right so this is what I teach you my programs in my books and on this channel
Healing is a process you have to be awake to what the hell is wrong right so
you're awake to what's wrong you've got some severe codependent a codependent
issues that are not your fault get one it's not your fault
anybody that's codependent did not feel seen validated psychologically and
emotionally seen as a child that's just a fact
so you could have had the most well intended parents but if they were
involved in their own heads and they didn't emotionally connect to you and
they did a poor job at helping you feel seen then you're codependent today not
your fault so Phoenix you acknowledge what the
problem is you identify it if you can't identify the problem you can't
the problem right so your your your a corner well a third of the way there so
now you're also learning to take accountability so your awakening your
have accountability now this is all this is all great stuff Phoenix so what I
would say to you dear one is I would journal about this every day
about how what I want you to do is I want you to journal every day for about
two weeks and I want you to list the times that you have found yourself as
many times as you can remember that you've done this exact same thing but in
different situations maybe you probably started doing this
when you were maybe a teenager when you started to get a little bit of power I
know for me I was doing it when I was a little kid so if my mother my mother
never never made me feel seen so I would find ways to ignore her so when she
called me for dinner I would ignore her that was the way I was taking you back
my power that's the way I was saying you ignore me now I'm going to ignore you
that's what human beings do it's a way for us to protect ourselves from being
hurt and our unconsciousness in our unconsciousness we think that's our only
defense but we are cutting edge human beings those of us were on this channel
you're watching my channel you are cutting edge you may be human being I'm
telling you you are awakening to the idea that you do not have to be
codependent and that you can heal I'm telling you when you heal from
codependency you heal the fear within you and then no man can control you no
media no government no religion no nothing you are your own person when you
confront codependency and you heal from fear and our fear is we are not enough
so codependency is all about healing that fear so now Phoenix you've got to
keep going you can't stop here you you woke up you realize what the problem is
you're taking accountability for it you're doing your homework just like I
don't want people doing this channel take your damn notes watch the video
over and over and over until these ideas become locked in your subconscious mind
you've got to rewrite over the old crap but you have to
I'm aware of how you're participating in this cycle so Phoenix you're just read
you're just really reacting to old programming and so what I want to do is
I want you become super super aware of how often you you've used this exact
tactic with other people in your life then what I want you to do is after you
write down that entry that journal entry when have I used this this manipulative
tactic in the past because I was hurt when of I punished people for not for
pushing me away when if i punish people for not doing what I want them to do
when of I punish people for not making me feel seen remember dear ones it's not
anyone's job to make you feel seen okay we've got to really rise above that and
see ourselves see our own our own issues our own pain and we need to validate
with validate within ourselves that's the key to recovery well pardon many
keys but that's a key to recovery then what I want to do is I want you to
imagine a scenario for the next time how will I behave next time how can I feel
better about my boyfriend spending time with his friends first of all if you're
in if you're in a relationship with somebody and you're trying to monopolize
all the time it's sort of like having a hummingbird and and putting the
hummingbird inside your hands and then suffocating the hummingbird right a
hummingbirds got to be able to fly a relationship needs to be able to fly
people have to feel like they're in a relationship with you because you want
them there not because you're going to suffocate them because you need them
there and what I thought I think what you did and I went to the same type of
aha and awakenings and it was really really painful but seeing it changed my
life I was able to recognize that when my ex-husband didn't do didn't make me
feel seen i punished him because unconsciously I was playing out this
childhood dynamic where I didn't feel seen and I was gonna kiss your butt and
do everything you wanted me to do but the hook was now you have to see me I
didn't understand that it was an unconscious need for me to feel seen but
seeing that dynamic and seeing the game that I played really helped shift me
so Phoenix I think you're doing great what we have to do now and another thing
Phoenix you know I say this in my program in a
couple of the videos I think where I mentioned that I realized one day that
15 years was gonna come so let's say I woke up at 35 for argument's sake you
know one day I realized you know 35 45 I'll be fifty one day if I never gave up
trying to heal my code mmm heal codependency who might I be at 50 so
Phoenix you can't give up every single day you've got to work at this because
one day you're gonna be 55 and you might be so much better at 55 than you've ever
been in your life I'm 51 I'll be 52 I feel like I am mentally healthier than
I've ever been in my life and I'm looking forward I don't want 65 to come
real fast or 62 nakhon real fast but I'm pretty confident that if I keep growing
and confronting myself and looking for ways to grow 60 is gonna be pretty cool
I'm gonna be wiser than I am today so Phoenix never give up this is a fight
that's worth fighting and I think this is really important to understand also
that when you healed as a ripple effect so I know that healing for it sounds
very codependent but you know I didn't leave my marriage for me I left it for
my children I knew that I was teaching them about codependency by staying in
that marriage so that might help you even though it is sounds little
codependent but your life matters you know when you change you change the
entire universe because we are all connected you know even though it looks
like we're separate or not we are our environments affect our brains and
affects the way affects the way we think and we are all part of an emotional grid
there is a grid although we can't see it we're all connected to it you want to
call it the matrix call it a matrix I like to call it a grid but there is a
grid and we're all connected to it so Phoenix when you change every day even
if it's just a little change there's a ripple effect and that goes out into the
universe and we as an entire whole right and
humanity the planet benefits because you had the courage to be self-aware and to
ask yourself some really tough questions and I for one I am so proud of you and
if you were in my office I would jump in your lap and kiss your forehead I'm not
kidding that's how excited I am by this post
that you left on my video breaking up with codependency expect to be or
getting comfortable with being get comfortable with being uncomfortable so
Phoenix I bow to the love and the lightning you know I honor you and thank
you so much for leaving such a wonderful comment and being such an inspiration to
my many subscribers and dear ones if you haven't subscribed to my channel please
do so it helps push my videos up and we have
to spread spread the love and light that way my next program launches in on
September 1st there is a September and I think this coming Thursday September 1st
we launched and the program will not be available again till 2017 so if you're
interested in that check out WWE Ramon calm I love you all thank you for thank
you so much for being dedicated to growing in love and light namaste about
the love and light in you as always