Hey everyone, Geoffrey here.
And in this video I'm gonna show you what you can do when you're struggling with
intimacy in your relationship. And for those of you who are new to this channel,
my name is Jeffery.
And my mission is to really empower you with the right knowledge and the right
skills to help you turn your relationship around by yourself.
And so your partner wants nothing to do with fixing the relationship right now
and you're kind of battling this battle by yourself.
That's okay because when you change your approach,
you can really bring about the change in the whole relationship as well because
it just takes one person to break a negative cycle and one person to perpetuate
a more positive cycle.
And so if you want to empower yourself to really learn the skills and knowledge
to bring about that change,
then you want us to describe through this channel and click that bell bond to be
notified when I post new videos five days every single week.
[inaudible]
now when it comes to intimacy issues in a relationship,
that's a very complex topic that it can have a lot of reasons.
So we're not going to go through everything here,
but I'm going to give you some ideas of the most common reasons that I see why
couples have intimacy issues in their relationship.
And I'm not going to talk about a what people usually talk about,
which is the masculine or feminine polarity.
But if you want me to make a video on that,
just leave a comment below and I'll definitely make a video on that if you're
interested. And before we get into the meat of this whole thing,
I just want to caution that you know,
the biggest mistake that people make when trying to rescue their relationship
from a lack of intimacy, if they try to force intimacy or sex to happen.
And the thing about intimacy and sex that you need to understand is that it's a
very highly emotional thing.
So in order for a relationship to have a really good sex life,
to have a really good sexual passion, you have to let it come.
You have to let those feelings come and you can't force it.
If you force someone to have sex,
then you're making sex into more and more of an obligation.
And that will actually destroyed the desire for sex in the long run.
So in order for us to revive sexual passion and revive intimacy,
we need to do the right things to create the right culture,
to bring back those emotions organically and naturally and never force things to
happen. And once we understand that,
then let's get into the seven core reasons why sexual intimacy dies.
And I'll tell you a little bit about what you can do to start fixing that.
So number one is that there's too many conflicts in the relationship.
So if you're arguing very often,
then each of those arguments are going to create a lot of emotional baggage,
a lot of pent up stuff,
lots of stuff to get swept under the rug and all that bitterness,
all that pent up stuff,
and will make it very difficult for us to emotionally want sex or to desire sex
because we're so weighed down by all these emotional baggage.
And so ask yourself right now, like, do you argue a lot? Or when you do argue,
even though it's not so often, are those arguments very intense?
And if they are,
then you need to fix that issue first before fixing the intimacy issues.
Because most likely they're intimacy issues.
It's caused by all those conflicts and arguments happening too many times.
And if you want to stop these arguments,
then I've made a video for you outlining exactly how you can begin,
how you can progress and how you can end conversations in a way that never ever
leads to arguments. So if you want to watch that video,
then I suggest you click the link above my head to make sure that you understand
the skills on how to conduct a conversation that never ever leads to an
argument.
And the second reason why intimacy dies is that you haven't been able to coach
each other on what good sex actually means for either of you.
And sex and intimacy is a very personal thing.
And each of us kind of desire different things in sex and intimacy.
And often when couples get together and they don't have very good communication
skills, then um,
sex doesn't become something enjoyable because we're doing what we want to do.
We're doing what we think is good instead of doing what our partner thinks is
good and enjoyable and slowly, if you keep doing this,
then the ability to have good sex really dies.
And sex doesn't become this enjoyable and blissful experience,
but it becomes more about something that we have to force ourselves to enjoy and
that summer fun.
And that's never going to be sustainable in a longterm relationship.
And often couples fail to communicate openly about what they want in sex because
they haven't create what I call emotional safety or psychological safety.
So they don't feel safe to really express what they truly want in the
relationship, what they're truly thinking in the relationship.
But once you can create this sense of safety,
then the communication can be more open, not just during sex,
not just during moments of intimacy,
but really in just the whole relationship as well.
So if you're having communication issues or if you don't feel free to express
yourself, to express your emotions, your thoughts fully in the relationship,
even the most harsh warrants, even the most embarrassing ones,
then you need to work on building that emotional and psychological safety first.
And if that sounds very foreign to you,
if you have no idea what I'm talking about here,
then you want to access my four day training series.
And that four day training series will teach you exactly how you can create the
foundations of your relationship,
which are emotional safety and psychological safety. So,
so if you think this is the reason why your sexual intimacy is dying,
then I would suggest you get that resource and really learn the skills to create
this culture where communicating openly and honestly will become a lot more
natural in your relationship.
And number three is that sex has become a chore for your relationship. You know,
we all live very busy lives. We work long hours. We might have children,
we might have other errands to do.
And by the time we get to the act of sex itself or the time we get together for
some intimacy or some romance, we're both very, very tired.
But often what happens is we make sex into such a chore, such a process for us.
You know there's the whole building up process as a whole induction process as a
whole foreplay process and there's a whole thing that we need to do to make sex
happen, to make sex enjoyable for both of us.
And over time if you keep thinking about sex that way,
then it can become a lot like a chore.
And if that's the case then you need to do two things.
One is change your paradigm about sex. Change your mindset about sex. You know,
sex is supposed to be play. You know,
sex doesn't have to be this whole process all the time.
It's almost like when you're watching TV or playing board games or just hanging
out with your friends, there's no process there.
There's no need for you to build up to anything. It's just sex.
It's just play and you want to see sex as more like play like that.
And so to create this, the second thing is to create this,
you can explore some less energetic methods to sex. So for example,
this might sound weird to a lot of you,
but this really works for many of my clients is when sex has to become a chore
like this, it helps to remove that process altogether. So for example,
you could try masturbating in front of each other.
So instead of making sexist process, just make it something enjoyable,
something very effortless. So explore less energetic ways, have sex.
He doesn't have to be this heated thing all the time. Just something simple,
something easy to do. And there's a lot of things you can do here,
a lot of ideas that I can give. But if you want me to make a video on this,
just to leave a comment below it and I'll be happy to dive into this topic a lot
deeper in another video. And number four is that the sexual buildup,
this sexual tension is failing. So in the beginning of the relationship,
what happens is we think about sex a lot. We fantasize our partner,
we may send flirtatious texts here and there and we do a lot of things to flirt
twice a day and to build up that tension within ourselves by fantasizing of our
partner,
but also showing our partner our fantasies and acting out those fantasies as
well. But in their longterm relationship,
that really goes away and we stopped flirting and we've stopped building that
sexual tension like we were in the beginning.
And what you want to do here is to really create what I call habitual connection
rituals. And these are the daily habits,
the daily rituals that you have that really can both have a sexual tension
throughout the day. So for example, when you wake up in the morning,
take just five minutes to really appreciate your Uponor.
Where do you look at your partner, hug your partner, cuddle with your partner,
and really tell them how much you love them.
And really just embrace the positive things you know about each other and
leaving each other love notes, living each other.
Love texts can really help here and just a small moment of habitually saying
something nice things, something sexy,
saying something seductive to your partner is really going to help.
You know this stuff takes two to five minutes today,
but there's two that five minutes can really,
really make a difference in your relationship.
Another thing you can do here is to schedule weekly dates as well.
So I know life gets in the way and we get really busy in life,
but it really helps to set a time when you're just having a date and where you
both are focused on just having fun and really spending time with each other and
really embracing each other and really looking at each other in that loving way
that you were in the beginning. Try to get out of your pattern,
go to somewhere new,
go to somewhere exciting and really experienced that exciting and novel thing
together like you are on your first date again.
But it helps to create this small little habits every single day in every single
week where you can just simply remind your partner that, Hey,
I'm thinking about you and I really care about you and I really love you.
And the small things that really remind you how great your partners and how
great this relationship is. You know, the small things can really,
really make a difference over the long haul. So for my relationship,
for example, you know, we work 12 hours a day, six days a week,
and there's not a lot of time for us to spend time together in during the week.
But we schedule the small moments in a day where we give love notes to each
other, give encouraging texts, love texts and texts that tell each other like,
Hey, I think you're very sexy, or I think you're very attractive.
Whatever it is, you look good in this outfit today.
And then we also schedule the weekly dates where in those weekly dates,
we don't talk about work, we don't talk about anything serious.
We simply want to have fun and really just enjoy each other's presence.
Like it was the first date. Again. And reason number five,
while your intimacy is dying,
is that you're not paying attention too much to foreplay.
And so foreplay is crucial because when we have this busy life,
we're in this mode in our brain where we're not in a very sexy mode.
We're not in a mode where we want to be romantic,
we want to be sexual and so on.
And so when you begin each sexual interaction with foreplay,
then that can really help us cut through and switch the modes in our brain and
really get us to feel aroused. And this is true for women or men. You know,
we often think that men don't need any foreplay or any build up to sex.
But when we live our busy lives like that,
we really do need some build up to the sex.
We really need something to catalyze that desire for sex. So for me,
for example, you know,
we work long hours a day and my partner is always saying that she's tired.
But once I kind of start the act of foreplay and I touched different parts of
our body and I start to build up that sexual tension and sexual pleasure,
all that tar nurse goes away and she suddenly has this desire to have sex again.
And so when your partner tells you that they're tired,
that are not in the mood for sex, they're not trying to shut you down there,
they're just trying to tell you that that's how they feel in that exact moment.
But when you can really master the art of foreplay,
then you will realize that you don't,
my partner might feel tired five minutes ago,
but you can actually change her motive thinking and actually get her to want
sex, to desire sex and to be in the mood for sex if you get the foreplay right.
And again, foreplay is a topic for a whole nother video.
But if you want me to make the video,
then leave a comment below and let me know you're interested in that video.
The number six is that you're just in a very different season of your life.
So often when we think about our sexual life today,
when we feel really disappointed about our sexual intimacy today,
we often compare it to what it was like in the beginning.
But life might have changed.
You want to have kids now you want to have a different job,
you might be starting a new business.
And so this whole different season of life has really made it difficult for you
to want to be in the mood for sex like you were in the beginning.
Not because you're not loving each other,
but because you're simply in a different season of life where you're focused on
different things and you might be having all your time and energy sucked into
different things other than the relationship. And for this one again,
it really helps to create habitual connection rituals. It's all about habits.
And so for us, for example, you know, when we first met,
we both had normal jobs, normal corporate jobs,
and we had a lot of time to spend together and our sex life was very rich.
It was very well in life.
But then we started a business and now we have to work day in,
day out and work never stops. And during this moment,
the thing that really helped us was once again, those rituals,
those rituals of what we do every single day,
the small things we do every single day of leaving love notes of calling each
other when we wake up, cuddling each other when we go to bed. Um,
and the weekly days that we have those that's really helped us create space for
sex to happen,
for subduction and happen for foreplay to happen and all these things to build
up to that, to the act of sex and intimacy itself.
So if you haven't built this habits yet,
then I suggest you start building this habits. You know,
just small things every day, two to five minutes every day.
What are the small things you can do, whether it's leaving love notes,
whether it's just giving sexy text to each other,
just small things you can do to really start building out that sexual tension
and reminding your partner that, Hey, I care about you. I'm thinking about you.
And I do find you attractive.
And the last issue here is that you have some bodily issues.
So it could be some hormones,
it could be something wrong with the testosterone levels,
estrogen levels and so on. But notice here that the number seven,
the bodily issues is really last.
So most people think that when they have sexual issues,
the first thing they go to is to assign it to some bodily issues.
They have something wrong with their homework.
They ask them health issues that's preventing them from being in a mood.
But usually when you pay attention to all six,
you'll realize that you don't have actually any bodily issues.
Then whatever sexual intimacy you have can be solved.
And just paying attention to these small things and knowing the reasons why
those intimacy issues happen,
and understanding the small things that you can do to really fix that.
So I hope that video brought some clarity to you.
I know he didn't answer all your questions,
but I just wanted to give you some ideas of, you know, in my practice,
the seven most common reasons why sexual intimacy dies and the small things you
can do to change your mindset to change the way you approach sex that can really
help this issue. But again, in my experience of the seven,
the first two is always the most common.
So the first two are having too many conflicts and not being able to have that
openness to really coach each other on how to have better sex together.
And so if you're struggling with that,
if you're struggling with too many conflicts or not being able to being open and
not being able to openly coach each other like that,
then you want to download my four day training series on how to create emotional
safety and psychological safety so you can remove this arguments for good.
And also how you can create this openness,
this culture of openness where you can talk about anything in your relationship,
not just a sexual part,
but any conflicts that you have to resolve any conflicts that you have.
And if you want access to that training series,
then the link into the description box below this video.
And if you have other questions or other concerns about your relationship that
are not addressed in this video,
then you also want to join our secret Facebook group where you can post your
questions and actually get expert advice on your questions.
And the link to that is also below this video.
And so you found this video helpful.
Then give it a like and subscribe to this channel for more videos like this one.
And I'd love to hear from you,
hear what other sexual issues or intimacy issues that you're facing that are not
addressed in this video right here.
And if you leave a comment below or respond to it as soon as possible,
or if it's a really good question, then I'll try to make a new video.
I don't have your question in the future, but for now,
thanks for watching this video and remember that you have the power to transform
your relationship by yourself. And so never underestimate your own power here.
But for now, I'll see you in the next video.