[Voiceover] Claire: Of COURSE the power went out. Just when I needed to beautify for m'date. Claire: Ow.
Claire: Dude, I thought you paid the electrical bill.
Ruby: I did this morning, I swear!
Ruby: We are gonna get you to this date, come hell or high water. And you, madam, are gonna get down.
Claire: Knowing me, I doubt it.
Claire: It's been like a year since I've had the... sexy times.
Ruby: Your vag probably looks like a wizened handbag from lack of attention.
Claire: I still give Mary Floppins plenty of attention!
And, she's not wizened and old. She's like...
Practical and durable, y'know? She's like a carpetbag.
Ruby: I'd liken myself to one of those um, you know, cheap knock-off Coach purses.
Claire: A cooch purse!
Ruby: *Chuckles* Cheap but good lookin'. There! You look amazing!
Claire: Yeah?
Ruby: Sure! I... I think?
Claire: Anything to distract from the extreme pit stains I'm probably gonna form when I see her beautiful, perfect face.
Claire: Oooo... don't mind if I do!
Claire: *chewing* Come to mama...
Ruby: Claire, what are you eating?
Claire: *chewing* Something chewy and fudgy.
Ruby: *tiny cough* Chewy AND fudgy?
[Offscreen] Xavier: *French* I got it!
Claire: Oh hey!
Ruby: Ummm... so.
Claire: No.
Ruby: Those are... special brownies.
[Voiceover] Claire: This lady don't do drugs.
*stereotypical graduation music plays*
*sniffs*
Ruby: I thought I told you! Pot brownies for --
Claire: Oh fuck.
Ruby: -- a jungle themed role play later.
Ruby: Shshshshsh...
Claire: But me --
Claire: Nico!
Ruby: That's okay. Look at me. How much you eat?
Claire: Gahhhh I had a whole one!
Ruby: Yeah, okay.
Claire: Is this that a lot?
Ruby: Depends on context.
Claire: *whispery* Oh God.
Ruby: Shhhh... you're fine.
Claire: Oh I need to sit down. Ruby: Claire. [Claire: I need to sit down. I need to sit down!]
Claire: Oh God. [Ruby: Just, just... you look fine.]
Claire: Nope. it's happening. It's happening already.
Claire: Ohhhhh it's happening.
Ruby: Okay, keep working at it.
Claire: *screechy groan* I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out.
Claire: I can't feel my sweet Double D's anymore!
Claire: I'm high already.
Ruby: Shhhh. I know you, you'll be fine.
Claire: Nooo.
Ruby: Let's get up.
Ruby: Okay. Now remember focus up, focus up, here we go. Focus up.
Always act interested!
Off we go, tooooo the date! Don't worry about it!
You're a beautiful specimen who deserves the best in the world now go have an amazing time.
Claire: What is...
Ruby: This way!
Ruby: Enjoy!
[Voiceover] Claire: I was fucked.
Nico: The plan is to open up my own private practice one day.
Alternative therapies are my primary interest
Claire: Interesting...
Oh I know what you're thinking. And, no, don't worry, I'm not sitting here psychoanalyzing you.
That is what I'm thinking...
*janky circus music*
Nico: *giggles* Okay.
Claire: Huh. Is my hair falling out?
Nico: Is it? *nervous laugh* I -- I think you look great! So...
Claire: Oh.
Nico: What do you think about Auden?
Claire: Oh, he's like the worst poet of his time.
Nico: *kinda sad* Oh, okay.
Nico: Um, to be honest... I have only read your poems and like two others in my whole life...
Nico: So I -- I just googled 20th century poets on my way here.
Claire: You mind?
Nico: No, please. Um...
Claire: *chewing* He had like no visionary qualities at all. He just had, like...
...good connections, and the gift of the gab.
Nico: Speaking of gifts. I actually --
Claire: -- Did you got me something?
Nico: I didn't actually, um...
Nico: Did you get me an alpaca?
No, I'm actually talking about your gift.
What gift?
Your gift for poetry
Nico: *adorable giggle* Your poems are so passionate! I like it.
Complacency is such a turn-off, you know?
Claire: Mmmmmhhhmmmm.
Nico: Your work is really beautiful.
Claire: *lip smack*
Nico: *awkwardly* So any siblings?
Claire: *glug glug glug*
Nico: Ummm... I've got a big family so...
*spooky psychic vision sound*
Claire: Not anymore.
Claire: Your aunt's dead.
What?
Claire: She's like --
*makes choking sounds*
Claire: You know?
She's just the deadest of the dead ladies.
That's a really terrible thing to say --
Dead!
I'm -- oh --
Claire: Yeah, she's dead -- Nico: You know what? No, I --
Claire: She's just gone.
Nico: Okay, yeah I'm just gonna go.
Claire: *death metal voice* Deaaaaaaad.
What's wrong with you?
Claire: *mimicking a guitar solo* Fiddle dee diddle dee dee... Nico: Okay.
Claire: *high pitched* Deee deee!
Claire: *screechy* Your aunt is dead! She's --
Whoa!
*thump noise*
[Voiceover] Claire: We've all been there... right? Heh heh.
*theme song musical sting*
[Voiceover] Claire: Oh shut up!