-What's up, New York? Hey.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, man.
It's getting cold out. I hate the cold, man.
I hate the cold because it bothers this metal rod
I got put in my left leg after I broke it on my birthday...
by going to a trampoline park.
I went to a trampoline park on my 24th birthday.
Instead of going to a strip club like a real man.
Broke my darn leg.
You just gotta add that to the list of things
black people should not do.
Like, we can jump. We just don't need assistance.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
It was scary after I broke my leg
because they put me on prescription pain meds.
And up until that point, I had never done drugs in my life,
because I grew up on the D.A.R.E. Program.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm the one kid it worked on.
The D.A.R.E. Program was effective, man,
because they made us sing a song every day.
Just a bunch of fifth graders in class talking about...
♪ D, I won't do drugs ♪
♪ A, I'll have an attitude ♪
♪ R, I will respect myself ♪
♪ E, I will educate me now ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
All the teachers looking at us like,
"Look at these stupid-head kids singing this goofy song.
[ Laughter ]
Y'all gotta relax and watch some 'Magic School Bus,' man."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Comedy. Comedy is my drug, man. That's what I'm addicted to.
That's why I'm glad we can all come together and share a laugh,
set aside our differences for a bit.
I think that's how to progress in this country,
and I think we'll progress in this way.
First off, black people,
we have to stop blaming white people for our problems.
All right? It's a big deal for us.
And, white people, got to stop creating so many problems.
[ Laughter ]
You know. I just -- All we're asking.
A little bit.
I've done my research on white people. Mm-hmm.
I be watching "Game of Thrones" and things like that.
Got all types of potions and elixirs.
You know why shows like that exist?
"Walking Dead" and "Game of Thrones"?
Because white people ain't got no natural predator.
[ Laughter ]
They don't. They just got to make up stuff.
Sitting there like, "What if there were zombies and dragons?
Ooh!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my word! Can you imagine?
What would the world be like with problems?
Oh, just save us, Khaleesi."
[ Laughter ]
Like "Naked and Afraid"? That's a white-ass show, bro.
You know how good your life got to be
that the only way you can feel fear
is go to the woods with your ding-a-ling out?
[ Laughter ]
Black people ain't doing no "Naked and Afraid."
We go outside every day, clothed and suspected.
This is no fun.
[ Laughter ]
I'm tellin' ya.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Will Jourdain make it past this routine traffic stop?
Find out this Wednesday on 'Clothed and Suspected.'"
[ Laughter ]
Set the DVR. "Clothed and Suspected" is coming on.
Nah, I've actually been hanging out
with a lot of white people lately because I've been
spending a lot of time in Harlem.
Ahem.
You guys are spreading.
Harlem's changed. It's a lot different now.
Even the crackheads are different.
Crackheads done switched up the merchandise.
I was in the barber shop the other day,
this crackhead came in and tried to sell me a dragon egg.
He's like, "Hey, man, I got these dragon eggs for you."
I was like, "Dragon egg?"
He's like, "Yeah, man, there's a whole bag of them.
They nice, they clean, they pure, they good quality.
You got to buy this stuff."
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "Brother, these are avocados."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I was like, "How much are you selling these for, man?" He's like, "50 cents a piece."
I was like, "Damn, that's a great deal right there.
You know how much you can get for these on the white market?
You are selling yourself short, my friend.
Let's draw up a business deal. We will take this over."
[ Laughter ]
I try not to think about that race stuff too much,
but it does seep into my mind every now and again.
I think it's because of where I was raised.
I was raised in the South.
They teach things differently as a young black kid in the South.
Like, I'm from a place called Greensboro, North Carolina.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Right.
And in Greensboro, we had a planetarium.
And I love space. I'm infatuated with it.
I love space the way Oprah loves bread.
[ Laughter ]
So I would get geeked.
I would get geeked to go to the planetarium.
I'd be like, "Yo, this is dope. We're going to the planetarium.
I can't wait. We get to learn about space."
And they say, "No, Jourdain.
You're going to learn about slavery."
I was like, "What? How?"
And they project stars onto the screen,
and they say the slaves would use the stars
as a road map of sorts when they were trying
to navigate their way to the North.
They'd sing songs. They'd sing...
♪ When the first quail calls to carry you to freedom ♪
♪ Follow the drinking gourd ♪
I remember that song, just in case of emergency.
[ Laughter ]
So if Trump pressed that button, I'm-a be out here...
[ Humming ]
[ Applause ]
"It's the North Star, Demarcus. Follow me.
I know a place in Harlem where we can get
some dragon eggs, my friend."
My name is Jourdain Fisher. Thank you so much.
Dream on.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, my goodness.
♪♪
Jourdain Fisher right there!
Not bad. Sanding ovation. Not bad.