>> Stephen: THAT'S THE NEW BAND?
I MEAN, IT'S THE SAME BAND, BUT NEW FOOT ANNUAL OF THE BAND.
IT LOOKS FAB TASK.
THAT'S GREAT.
I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S REAL.
WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAVE YOU MISSED ME?
I MISSED YOU.
HOW MANY DAYS WEREN'T WE DOING THE SHOW?
NO, ONE, ONE, BECAUSE WE DID THURSDAY'S SHOW-- WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT.
WE DID A THURSDAY SHOW, NO FRIDAY SHOW, THEN WE DID A
MONDAY SHOW.
ONE DAY, ONE DAY.
ALL WE NEEDED TO BE JUST READY AND REFRESHED.
HEY, HAPPY DECEMBER, EVERYBODY.
OR VERY LATE MARCH.
IT'S HARD TO TELL AT THIS POINT.
BUT IF IT IS DECEMBER 1st, I HAVE GO TO SAY, CHRISTMAS HAS
COME EARLY THIS YEAR, AS THE PRESIDENT CONTINUES TO SHOWER
US ALL WITH THE GIFT OF WATCHING HIM LOSE EVERY DAY, SOMETIMES
SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.
AND I'LL FILL YOU IN ON HIS LATEST RAMBLINGS IN TONIGHT'S
EDITION OF...
>> "LA-LA-LA!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
>> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE >> I DIDN'T FALL!"
>> Stephen: SUNDAY MORNING, THE PRESIDENT WENT ON FOX NEWS TO
TRADE LIES WITH FORMER JOURNALIST AND BIG-MOUTH BILLY
PUNDIT, MARIA BARTIROMO.
HERE'S THE THING: HE WAS UPSET THAT WHEN THE IN-PERSON VOTES
WERE COUNTED, HE WAS AHEAD, ON LEXINGTON DAY.
BUT THEN LATER, WHEN THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS WERE COUNTED, HE FELL
BEHIND.
BUT HE PUT IT IN MUCH MORE COLORFUL LANGUAGE.
>> THIS ELECTION WAS OVER, AND THEN THEY DID DUMPS.
THEY CALL THEM "DUMPS," BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.
>> Stephen: AND IF THERE'S ONE THING THIS PRESIDENT KNOWS, IT'S
BIG, MASSIVE DUMPS.
HE'S TAKING ONE ON DEMOCRACY RIGHT NOW.
HE JUST CAN'T STAND THE FACT THAT HE'S NUMBER TWO.
THEN THE TEMPORARY PRESIDENT EXPLAINED THE STAKES OF THE
ELECTION THAT IS ALREADY OVER: >> IF I WASN'T HERE, ANTIFA
WOULD BE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.
THEY CLUB PEOPLE OVER THE HEADS WHEN NOBODY IS LOOKING, AND THEN
NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT.
IT'S A DISGRACE.
IT'S, ABSOLUTELY A DISGRACE.
AND IF I'M NOT HERE-- I'M SORT OF YOUR WALL.
>> Stephen: SO HE'S GONE FROM "BUILD THE WALL" TO "I AM
THE WALL".
WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THIS: HE IS DUMB AS A BRICK.
THEN THE PRESIDENT SPECULATED THAT THE CONSPIRACY THAT HE WAS
MAKING UP WAS COMING FROM INSIDE HIS OWN ADMINISTRATION.
>> THIS IS TOTAL FRAUD, AND HOW THE F.B.I. AND DEPARTMENT OF
JUSTICE-- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THEY'VE INVOLVED-- BUT HOW
PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH THIS STUFF IS UNBELIEVABLE.
>> Stephen: TO BE CLEAR, THE PRESIDENT IS IMPLICATING THE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE IN A CONSPIRACY WITH BIDEN, AND I
THINK VENEZUELA, TO COMMIT ELECTORAL FRAUD.
NOW, YOU'D THINK THE D.O.J.
WOULD WANT TO RESPOND, AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT, BECAUSE TODAY,
WE HEARD FROM ATTORNEY GENERAL AND THE MAN EXPLAINING THE FRIES
WERE NOT FOR THE WHOLE TABLE, BILL BARR.
THIS AFTERNOON, GENERAL BARR TOLD THE ASSOCIATED PRESS THAT
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT HAS NOT UNCOVERED EVIDENCE OF WIDESPREAD
VOTER FRAUD THAT WOULD CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF THE 2020
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
HE WILL BE MISSED.
IN FACT, BARR WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO DISCREDIT ONE INSANE
CLAIM THAT THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS HAVE BEEN PUSHING ABOUT
A VENEZUELAN VOTING SYSTEM BEING PROGRAMMED TO GIVE THE ELECTION
TO BIDEN, SAYING, "THERE'S BEEN ONE ASSERTION THAT WOULD BE THE
CLAIM THAT MACHINES WERE PROGRAMMED TO SKEW THE ELECTION
RESULTS.
AND D.H.S. AND D.O.J. HAVE LOOKED INTO THAT, AND SO FAR, WE
HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING TO SUBSTANTIATE THAT."
ADDING, "TO DATE, WE HAVE NOT SEEN FRAUD ON A SCALE THAT COULD
HAVE AFFECTED A DIFFERENT OUTCOME IN THE ELECTION."
FRAUD ON A SCALE-- ALSO KNOWN AS THE PRESIDENT'S ANNUAL PHYSICAL.
THE PRESIDENT'S CHANCES OF OVERTURNING THE RESULTS WERE
ALWAYS NEXT TO ZERO, BUT THOSE CHANCES JUST MOVED TO DOWNTOWN
ZERO-TOWN, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, ARIZONA AND WISCONSIN CERTIFIED
BIDEN'S WIN, WHICH MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS FAILED TO STOP
THE VOTE CERTIFICATION IN ALL SIX STATES WHERE HE CONTESTED
HIS DEFEAT.
SO THAT'S 0 AND 6 IN THE CERTIFICATIONS, AND 0 AND 3 IN
RECOUNTS, AND HE HASN'T WON A SINGLE FRAUD CASE.
HE IS UNDEFEATED AT LOSING!
HE IS THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF PLAYING BASEBALL!
AMONG THE LOSINGS, IN WISCONSIN, THE PRESIDENT PAID $3 MILLION
FOR AWE PARTIAL RECOUNT OF THAT ELECTION, WHICH ENDED UP ADDING
87 VOTES TO THE STATEWIDE MARGIN FOR... DRUMMED ROLE, PLEASE.
JOE BIDEN!
OH, MY GOD.
HE JUST KEEPS MAKING IT WORSE.
IT'S LIKE A GUY AT A CUSTODY HEARING SAYING, "YOUR HONOR, MY
WIFE HAS MADE ME SEEM LIKE A DELINQUENT FATHER AND TERRIBLE
GAMBLER, BUT HOW WOULD SHE KNOW ANY OF THAT?
I'M NEVER AROUND.
I'M ALWAYS AT THE CASINO!
BY THE WAY, I'M PUTTIN' FIFTY BUCKS ON HER WINNING THIS
CASE."
WHO'S GOT IT?
WHO'S TAKING IT?
SO WISCONSIN IS A TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT FOR THE PRESIDENT,
BUT IF IT HELPS, ARIZONA IS WORSE.
REMINDER: THE COPPER STATE HAS A REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR, DOUG DUCEY,
WHO IS SO LOYAL TO THE PRESIDENT THAT HE ONCE SAID THAT HE
CHANGED THE RINGTONE ON HIS PHONE FOR WHEN THE WHITE HOUSE
CALLS TO "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" SO HE WOULDN'T MISS A CALL FROM THE
PRESIDENT OR PENCE.
OF COURSE, ON JANUARY 20, HE'LL HAVE TO CHANGE IT TO THIS:
( BECK'S "I'M A LOSER BABY" PLAYING )
DUCEY WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SIGNING THE ARIZONA VOTE
CERTIFICATION WHICH MICROPHONES PICKED THIS UP.
( PHONE PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF")
THE PRESIDENT CALLED HIM WHILE HE WAS SIGNING, AND THE
GOVERNMENT SENT HIM STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL.
THAT IS A GUY WHO'S PICKED UP THAT PHONE ONCE TOO OFTEN.
"YES, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU TOLD ME.
MASSIVE DUMPS, RIGHT.
LISTEN, I GOTTA GO.
ARIZONA IS GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL.
CHHHHHHH."
DUCEY'S NOT ALONE.
THE PRESIDENT IS ALSO TARGETTING GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND MAN
TEACHING HIMSELF TO SMILE FROM ONLINE VIDEOS, BRIAN KEMP.
KEMP CERTIFIED THE PRESIDENT'S LOSS IN GEORGIA, WHICH ENRAGED
POTUS.
EARLIER LAST MONTH, HE SAT WITH ADVISERS AND PLOTTED OUT A CALL
TO SCREAM AT KEMP.
YES, YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A DETAILED PLAN FOR ALL YOUR
IMPORTANT SCREAMING.
YOU CAN'T JUST WING IT.
IT'S NOT A PANDEMIC.
AND WHEN HE GOT THE GOVERNOR ON THE PHONE, THE PRESIDENT URGED
KEMP TO DO MORE TO FIGHT FOR HIM IN GEORGIA, PUBLICLY ECHO HIS
CLAIMS OF FRAUD, AND APPEAR MORE REGULARLY ON TELEVISION.
IN RESPONSE, KEMP WAS NONCOMMITTAL.
WOW, HOW DID THAT GO?
"THANKS, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT JUST LOOKING AHEAD ON MY CALENDAR, I
HAVE SOMETHING ON HERE YOU DON'T: A FUTURE."
EVEN MORE FORCEFULLY, KEMP'S OFFICE SLAPPED THE PRESIDENT
DOWN WITH A STATEMENT SAYING "GEORGIA LAW PROHIBITS THE
GOVERNOR FROM INTERFERING IN ELECTIONS."
AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING.
NOT MUCH IS PROHIBITED BY GEORGIA LAW.
THEY LET YOU MARRY A GUN AS LONG AS IT'S 16.
THE PRESIDENT'S ATTACK ON GEORGIA'S ELECTION INTEGRITY IS
A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE IN ABOUT A MONTH, THE STATE IS HOLDING TWO
COUNT THEM, TWO-- RUNOFFS THAT WILL DETERMINE
WHICH PARTY CONTROLS THE SENATE.
AND THE PRESIDENT WANTS KEMP TO PRE-OVERTURN THOSE RUNOFFS, TOO,
TWEETING TODAY, "DO SOMETHING @BRIANKEMPGA.
YOU ALLOWED YOUR STATE TO BE SCAMMED.
WE MUST CHECK SIGNATURES AND COUNT SIGNED ENVELOPES AGAINST
BALLOTS.
THEN CALL OFF ELECTION.
IT WON'T BE NEEDED.
WE WILL ALL WIN!
HE WANTS KEMP TO OVERTURN THE PREVIOUS ELECTION, WHICH A
REPUBLICAN LOST, SO HE CAN NOT HOLD A FUTURE ELECTION, WHICH,
BECAUSE IT WON'T HAPPEN, REPUBLICANS WILL WIN.
IT'S A MOBIUS STRIP OF VOTER SUPPRESSION, LIKE THAT
M.C. ESCHER DRAWING OF THE STAIRCASES REPUBLICANS INSTALLED
TO KEEP MINORITIES FROM REACHING THE POLLS.
REPUBLICANS ARE WORRIED THAT THE PRESIDENT QUESTIONING OUR ENTIRE
ELECTORAL SYSTEM COULD DEPRESS TURNOUT IN THE TWO RUNOFFS AND
COULD, THEREFORE, COST REPUBLICANS THE SENATE.
REPUBLICANS COULD END UP BEING DESTROYED BY THEIR OWN CREATION!
IT'S LIKE THE TALE OF DR. FRANKENSTEIN.
THEY'VE ALREADY GOT THE REANIMATED CORPSE!
IN FACT, SOME GEORGIA REPUBLICANS ARE CALLING FOR A
BOYCOTT OF THE SENATE ELECTIONS.
YES, THANKS TO THE PRESIDENT'S LIES, REPUBLICANS COULD SIT OUT
THE GEORGIA RUNOFFS AND HAND THE SENATE TO DEMOCRATS.
NO SURPRISE.
EVENTUALLY, THE PRESIDENT ALWAYS EATS HIS OWN, WHICH IS WHAT'S
WHISPERED TO HAVE HAPPENED TO HIS HIDEOUS SIXTH CHILD,
DERC-RANKA.
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY THOSE WORDS WHILE LOOKING AT THAT
PHOTO.
AND IT'S HAPPENING.
IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING.
THERE WAS A CAMPAIGN EVENT HELD THIS WEEKEND BY R.N.C. CHAIR AND
PRISON GUARD ON DATE NIGHT, RONNA ROMNEY McDANIEL.
McDANIEL WAS THERE TO GET OUT THE VOTE, BUT ONE WOMAN SAID,
GIVEN THE PRESIDENT'S CLAIMS OF VAST VOTER FRAUD, WHAT'S THE
POINT?
>> HOW ARE WE GONNA MISS MONEY AND WORK WHEN IT'S ALREADY
DECIDED?
>> IT'S NOT DECIDED, THIS IS THE KEY--
>> HOW DO WE KNOW?
>> IT'S NOT DECIDED.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO HIS VOTERS HAVE FINALLY STARTED FOLLOWING
THE LOGIC.
"WAIT A SECOND.
IF THE ELECTION IS RIGGED, WHY SHOULD I DONATE?
WHY SHOULD I EVEN VOTE?
WELL, AT LEAST THERE'S ONE THING I CAN ALWAYS BELIEVE IN:
WINDMILLS GIVE YOU CANCER."
DESPITE THE SOON-TO-BE-EX-PRESIDENT'S BEST
EFFORTS, WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT-ELECT, AND JOE BIDEN
HAS MADE IT CLEAR HE WANTS TO HIT THE GROUND RUNNING.
BUT THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE HARDER NOW, BECAUSE THIS
WEEKEND, JOE BIDEN BROKE HIS FOOT WHILE PLAYING WITH HIS DOG
MAJOR.
I'M GLAD IT'S NOTHING SERIOUS, BUT HOW DO YOU BREAK YOUR FOOT
WHILE PLAYING WITH YOUR DOG?
SOMEONE, PLEASE TELL HIM THAT YOU THROW THE STICK AND THE DOG
CHASES IT.
BIDEN RECEIVED MEDICAL CARE IMMEDIATELY, AND THE SCAN
REVEALED TWO TINY FRACTURES OF TWO SMALL BONES IN THE MIDDLE OF
HIS RIGHT FOOT THAT APPEAR TO BE RELATIVELY MILD.
THAT'S RIGHT, JOE BIDEN IS MODERATE TO THE BONE.
JOE'S DOING FINE, BUT HIS FOOT IS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO
HEAL, SO FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, HE WILL NEED A WALKING BOOT.
( AS BIDEN )
THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING, AND THAT'S JUST WHAT
THEY'LL DO.
IN FOUR TO SIX WEEKS.
I'M 78.
MY BONES ARE AS HOLLOW AND LIGHT AS RICE KRISPIES!
SNAP, CRACKLE, POP, JACK!
C'MON!" I WON!
HAVE I DONE THAT ALREADY?
THE PRESIDENT-ELECT OFFICIALLY INTRODUCED HIS ECONOMIC TEAM
TODAY, INCLUDING HIS PICK FOR TREASURY SECRETARY,
FORMER FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIR AND DRACULA'S NANA, JANET YELLEN.
IF CONFIRMED, YELLEN WOULD BE THE FIRST WOMAN TO HEAD THE
TREASURY DEPARTMENT.
FINALLY BREAKING THE CASH CEILING.
TWO YEARS AGO, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT REPLACED HER AT THE
FEDERAL RESERVE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT YELLEN WAS TOO SHORT
TO BE FED CHAIR.
HE EVEN PUT A SIGN OUT FRONT: "YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO
MODERATE LONG-TERM INTEREST RATES."
NOW, LIKE I SAID, IT'S DECEMBER, AND THAT MEANS THAT
CHRISTMAS IS IN THE AIR.
IT SPREADS THROUGH AEROSOLIZED PARTICLES.
ONE PERSON SHOWING HER TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT IS FIRST LADY
AND EVITA ASKING ARGENTINA TO CRY A LITTLE HARD FOR HER,
MELANIA TRUMP.
ON TWITTER YESTERDAY, THE FIRST LADY UNVEILED THIS YEAR'S WHITE
HOUSE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, AND IN A DEPARTURE FROM PREVIOUS
YEARS, THE THEME WAS "CHRISTMAS!"
IT'S A CHEERY TWIST ON 2018'S "YULETIDE OF BLOOD," AND EVEN
MORE WHOLESOME THAN 2017, WHEN SHE STOOD ALONE ON THE STAIRS,
CHOOSING WHICH BALLERINA SHE AND THE PRESIDENT WOULD SACRIFICE
LATER THAT NIGHT.
THAT'S ONE WITH THE FIRE IN HER EYES.
THAT'S WHY THE REVIEWS OF THIS YEAR'S DECORATIONS HAVE BEEN
POSITIVE, MIXED WITH AN UNDERCURRENT OF RELIEF, LIKE,
"MELANIA UNVEILS HER FINAL WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, AND
THEY'RE FINE."
♪ IT'S THE MOST ADEQUATE TIME OF THE YEAR ♪
BUT THERE'S A REASON THE FIRST LADY IS EAGER NOT TO RUFFLE ANY
PARTRIDGE FEATHERS THIS YEAR: THE RECENTLY RELEASED AUDIO FROM
2018 WHERE SHE REVEALED HER TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT:
>> THEY SAY I'M COMPLICIT, I'M THE SAME LIKE HIM, I SUPPORT
HIM, I DON'T SAY ENOUGH, I DON'T DO ENOUGH--
>> NO, NOPE, MELANIA >> --WHERE I AM.
I PUT-- I'M WORKING LIKE A-- MY ASS OFF AT--
>> I KNOW >> --CHRISTMAS STUFF THAT, YOU
KNOW, WHO GIVES A (BLEEP) ABOUT CHRISTMAS STUFF AND DECORATION?
BUT I NEED TO DO IT, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: COULD BE JOLLIER.
REMINDS ME OF 1973 WHEN THE SENATE INQUIRY INTO
WATERGATE REVEALED SECRET RECORDINGS OF PAT NIXON:
>> AND THEN I TOLD MARTHA MITCHELL, "SANTA CAN EAT MY
BUTT."
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BRYAN CRANSTON AND REPRESENTATIVE-ELECT CORI BUSH.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, IT'S TIME FOR "MEANWHILE."
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪