- Matt is out there,
in fucking his briefs, like tighty whities,
and he's with a hooker,
and I'm like, "Hey, Matt. You gotta go home."
And the hooker was like, "Hey, fuck you!
He's with me!"
[dark electronic music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Hello, everybody.
Welcome to "This is not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and tonight it's all stories about romance.
[cheers and applause]
Then, please, help me welcome a very, very funny man.
You guys will absolutely love him,
everybody's friend, Mr. Nick Swardson, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
- So, I was in Vegas,
which is always a great start,
and I feel like I'm cheating, so I sorry for that.
It's like, when you tell a story in Vegas
it's like already fucking insane.
So it's like you're cheating, but this is one
of my favorite stories ever.
So, uh, my friend had a CD release party,
hot chick, awesome. She's like,
"Hey, I'm having like my CD release party."
I don't know--I don't know why she's a gay guy
all of a sudden, but...
[laughing]
But whatever. [laughs]
No, she's--she's like, "I'm having my CD release party,
like, you know, you gotta come."
I'm like, "Okay, can I get a plus one?"
And she's like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "Okay, cool."
And that's like, you know when you like get a plus one...
to anything, but especially with like--
with it's an-- when it's an event
where it's like something meaningful,
you're like,
"Okay, who the fuck am I bringing?"
Like, "Which friend can fucking handle this,
and not be a disaster?"
You know what I'm talking about.
It's like you have to hook up like, your rolodex of like,
Steve, no. Rick, no.
Just like, you just have to go through like all this shit.
So I call my friend Matt.
I'm like, "Right, dude, we're going to Vegas.
Like VIP, fucking CD release party."
Like, "Fucking handle your shit."
He's like, "Yeah, totally."
[laughing]
So we fucking show up,
and we have a VIP booth, and she's singing.
She's like promoting her album and everything.
And it was like really cool.
So we're sitting there and like Matt is doing like,
way too much Jäger, which is always a red flag.
Like when someone is like rocking Jäger hard
like early in the night.
I was like,
"Okay, Matt. That's not what we planned on,
but...okay."
So he's just shredding it,
so she's singing. She's singing...
at Caesar's, like, in this like VIP stage.
Fucking crowd is like, "Yay!"
And fucking-- all of a sudden I'm like
in the booth like chilling, like, "This is great."
All of a sudden, Matt...
just decides to make a beeline
to grab her tits... [laughing]
In the middle of her performance.
He's just like "Walking Dead, season four,"
just fucking... [laughs]
I was like, "Woah!"
Security immediately tackles him,
fucking haymaker,
fucking tackles him.
And fucking, they like drag him like,
they're like, "Is this your buddy?"
I was like, "No."
[laughter]
Like, clearly I'm like, "Fuck that!
Fucking asshole."
So they fucking take him out,
he gets thrown out of the fucking club.
I stay, I'm chilling, you what I mean?
I got fucking moves.
And, uh, and then so, like, fucking 15 minutes later,
he's back in the club.
I looked down, and he's shirtless.
And I was like, "What the fuck?"
So I go downstairs and like go--I'm like,
I go, "Matt...
you gotta go home."
Like, "You're inappropriate.
"This isn't cool.
"You've gotta to back to the room, just...[whistles]
Sleep. Sleep it off."
He's like, "All right, dude. Fuck you!"
So he leaves.
So I fucking stay another like hour.
Then I go back. This is all fucking real.
I go back in the casino lobby,
and Matt is out there in fucking--
his briefs, like tighty whities...
on the casino fucking floor!
In fucking briefs!
Now he has no fucking pants!
And I'm like, "What?"
And he's with a hooker.
And I'm like, "Hey, Matt. You gotta go home."
And the hooker was like,
"Hey, fuck you! He's with me!"
I was like,
"Why don't you dial it down? My buddy's drunk."
And she's like, "No, fuck that! Fuck you!
This is my motherfucking man."
And I was like, "Um, okay.
"First of all, nobody carries a wallet
"in their briefs,
so I don't know how the fuck you're getting paid."
I'm like, "This is fucking...
"wallet's in his asshole,
"and that's your fetish, go for it,
but he's gotta go home."
So I fucking pull him away,
and I get him-- I'm like,
"Go back to the fucking room, dude."
And then I, like, I'm mad.
It was like one of those Vegas things where I was like,
like I was like an adult.
[chuckles] I was like,
I was like, "Here's the deal, man.
"Fucking be an adult.
"Like, you're fucking embarrassing.
"Handle your shit.
"All you do is handle your shit.
"Just come, be responsible, fucking--
"you just had to go to a fucking party.
"Damn it!
"That's all you had to do.
"Go to your room!
"Go to sleep!
"Now!
Go to sleep!"
And he's like, "All right, man.
Sorry. I fucked up."
I'm like, "Yeah, you did, motherfucker.
Big time."
So then he left.
And then I went out.
[laughing]
And... [laughs]
And I blacked out,
and then, uh... [laughing]
And then these are two things that happened:
I woke up, my other friend called me.
He's like, "Where are you?"
I go, "I'm at the Hard Rock."
He's like, "Where are you?
We're in the casino."
I'm like,
"I'm under the guitar."
[laughing]
So...if you know the Hard Rock,
I was outside...
sleeping under the guitar
of the fucking Hard Rock,
on the lawn
outside
of the casino.
I was fucking sleeping.
Woke me up. [babbling]
So he had to pick me up.
Then we go out after that...
again. I still went out.
Baller. [laughing]
But no, so we go out after that,
and we go to a club,
and fucking get more hammered.
And then I black out,
and I'm not joking at all.
This is how I woke up.
I woke up in a room at the Hard Rock,
and fucking...
there was a fucking... [chuckles]
A chick blowing me and my friend at the same time.
A different friend, not my buddy Matt.
He was dead. [laughing]
Blowing me and my friend at the same time,
and I woke up to that and I was like,
"What the fuck?
What's happening?"
It was like the weirdest way to wake up.
And then I look over,
and there is, um...
a little person.
Again, I'm not joking.
Um, fisting a chick on a couch...
with cocaine all over his face.
Literally, literally fisting a chick.
And I look over, I was like,
"What the fuck?"
[laughter]
"Oh, my God."
And then we made eye contact.
[laughter]
And he's like fisting her.
And, you know, it's...
[laughter]
You know what fisting is.
I don't have to explain it.
I don't have to walk you through that fucking...
And fucking-- he's fisting a chick,
and he looks over at me,
and we make eye contact, and he goes,
"Yeah!" [laughing]
It was like... [laughs]
And at that point,
I don't know what to do, so I was like,
"Yeah, dude. I don't fucking...
know what happened."
But it was just like the weirdest...
like, irony, you now, me yelling at my friend, like,
"Hey, man. You gotta fucking chill out."
"You gotta fucking handle your shit.
"Fucking adult.
It's ridiculous."
And I'm fucking...
"Yeah..."
What is happening?
And then the next day,
I like-- we, like, woke up, like,
and I saw him, he was like,
"What did you end up doing last night?"
I was like,
"Just fucking chill, bro.
[laughter]
Nothing, dude."
Fucking...
I couldn't, like, throw myself under the bus.
[laughing]
All right, anyway, that's the end of my story.
Thank you so much, you guys.
[cheers and applause]
You guys are awesome!
[electronic music]
♪