-I've known my brother Josh all his life, but it wasn't
until last week that we saw an uncanny resemblance
to California Governor Gavin Newsom.
So here it is again -- California resident Josh Meyers
as the governor of California.
-Good afternoon.
Despite what you might have heard from places
like Washington, D.C., Florida, or your cousin Doug,
who is not a reliable source on facts,
the coronavirus hasn't gone away.
In California, we've bent the curve
like a thick-necked bodybuilder on Venice Beach,
but unfortunately the virus is still here.
Just like Devin Nunes, who recently started podcasting
from his house with his laptop perched on what appeared to be
a Squatty Potty.
How apropos.
And, again, let me stress that, as a Gavin,
it brings me no joy to attack a Devin.
We're supposed to be natural allies.
In fact, the Gavins and Devins
were two of the founding clans of California.
And it was a caveman Gavin who first uttered to a caveman Devin
the now-famous California line --
"'Sup, brah?"
Moving on, the California weather
continues to be absolutely stellar.
And I know people are eager to go out, get their grub on,
do some maxin', and also a good deal of relaxin'.
But stay-at-home orders are still in effect.
Some Californians continue to thumb their noses
at these orders which are intended to save lives.
But this virus is like the movie "Point Break."
It's going to stand the test of time.
And it's nothing like the remake of "Point Break"
that came out in 2015
without most people even noticing it was a thing.
Now, I don't watch a lot of TV 'cause I'm the governor
and I have more important things to do,
but I've noticed that the President isn't the only one
who's received national coverage of his daily press briefings.
New York governor Andrew Cuomo
has also become a ubiquitous presence on the boob tube.
And I've been told many consider him "The Hot Governor."
And don't get me wrong. He's a handsome man.
But if you think he's The Hot Governor,
all I have to say is, "Look."
That's it. Just look.
I'll give you a few seconds.
I don't get it. Is it a time-zone thing?
Because if you think he's hot...
just wait three hours.
Again, good-looking guy.
But we're all wearing masks here, not blindfolds, right?
But back to the matter at hand.
In order to track potential coronavirus outbreaks,
please be on the lookout for symptoms such as fever,
sore throat, or loss of taste.
An example of loss of taste
would be thinking Andrew Cuomo is hotter than me.
If you think that, even for a second,
get yourself to the E.R.
We are going to get through this.
You know, back in the 1800s,
Horace Greeley said, "Go west, young man. Go west."
And sure enough, California's golden coastline
was waiting for those brave souls
willing to make the journey,
and it'll still be here after this is all over.
And to Devin Nunes,
maybe you want to go just a little further west.
Maybe walk into the Pacific and keep going.
Destiny calls, bro-ham.
All right. Stay safe. Stay home. Stay gold.
Manamana.