WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR YOUNG, SPRIGHTLY HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TODAY, OF COURSE, IS A NATIONAL HOLIDAY BECAUSE APPLE HAS
ANNOUNCED A NEW iPHONE, THE iPHONE 7.
iPHONES ARE NOW TIED WITH "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS" FRANCHISE
BALL'S IN YOUR COURT, VIN DIESEL.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S NEW.
WHAT'S NEW WITH THE PHONE?
IT'S WATER RESISTANT, WHICH MEANS THAT WHEN YOU DROP IT IN A
TOILET, YOU CAN JUST PICK IT UP AND PUT IT RIGHT BACK UP TO YOUR
MOUTH.
NO RB.
BUT APPLE MADE ONE BIG CHANGE THAT I DON'T THINK THE WORLD'S
READY FOR.
THEY GOT RID OF THE HEADPHONE JACK, AND THEY DID IT FOR A VERY
GOOD REASON.
>> NOW, SOME PEOPLE HAVE ASKED WHY WE WOULD REMOVE THE ANALOG
HEADPHONE JACK.
THE REASON, TO MOVE ON, THERE ARE THREE OF THEM, BUT IT REALLY
COMES DOWN TO ONE WORD-- >> Stephen: IS IT (BLEEP) YOU?
I'M SORRY.
NO, THAT'S TWO WORDS.
I'M SORRY.
PLEASE, GO ON.
>> BUT IT REALLY COMES DOWN TO ONE WORD: COURAGE.
>> Stephen: YES, WHERE DO THEY FIND THE COURAGE TO CHARGE
PEOPLE $160 FOR NEW HEADPHONES?
( LAUGHTER ) WITHOUT THE HEADPHONE JACK, WHAT
AM I SUPPOSED TO USE NOW, BLUETOOTH?
BLUETOOTH IS FOR CAR STEREOS AND PEOPLE WHO TALK LOUDLY IN
PUBLIC ABOUT THEIR BOAT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'M JUST GOING TO HAMMER MY OLD HEADPHONE
PLUG INTO THE LIGHTNING PORT AND HOPE FOR
THE BEST-- SAME WAY I GOT MY DVD PLAYER TO ACCEPT MY VHS TAPES.
WE ARE WATCHING "THE LION KING"!
NOW, APPLE SAYS YOU CAN STILL HOLD AND STILL USE YOUR OLD
HEADPHONES.
YOU'LL JUST NEED AN ADAPTER.
THIS JUST IN: YOU'VE ALREADY LOST THE ADAPTER.
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT ARE CONFUSING AND UPSETTING, THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS JUST 60 DAYS AWAY, AND THE RACE IS
TIGHTENING.
OVER THE SUMMER, DONALD TRUMP WAS WAY BEHIND, BUT A NEW CNN
POLL HAS HIM UP BY TWO POINTS NATIONALLY.
NOW, I'M NOT SURE HOW THAT HAPPENED.
I'M GOING TO SAY ANGRY WHITE MEN HAVE STARTED TO REPRODUCE
ASEXUALLY.
AND LAST WEEK, TRUMP MAY HAVE GOTTEN A SIGN HE WILL WIN IN
NOVEMBER BECAUSE TRUMP'S ATTORNEY, MICHAEL COHEN, TWEETED
OUT THIS PICTURE OF A CLOUD THAT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE DONALD TRUMP,
ALONG WITH THE CAPTION "IN CASE ANYONE IS UNSURE AS TO WHO WILL
BE OUR NEXT #POTUS, THE LORD HAS CHOSEN THE PEOPLE'S MESSENGER."
YES, GOD MADE A TRUMP-SHAPED CLOUD, THOUGH THE CLOUD ACTUALLY
HOLDS A POSITION LONGER THAN THE REAL DONALD TRUMP.
BUT, YOU KNOW, GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS BECAUSE LATER
THAT DAY HE ALSO ENDORSED A SEAHORSE, A DUCKIE, AND YOUR
MOTHER MAKING LOVE TO THE MAILMAN.
I THINK?
NO ONE ELSE SEES THAT?
NO ONE ELSE?
NO ONE ELSE SEES THAT?
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND GOD'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
SAYING DONALD TRUMP SHOULD BE PRESIDENT.
SO IS DONALD TRUMP.
COURAGE.
HE HAS A NEW WAY OF QUESTIONING HILLARY CLINTON'S FITNESS FOR
OFFICE.
>> YOU'VE OFTEN TALKED ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON'S STAMINA.
>> RIGHT.
>> YOU'VE EVEN SAID THAT SHE DIDN'T LOOK PRESIDENTIAL.
>> I REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT IF- >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
>> WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK SHE HAS A PRESIDENTIAL LOOK, AND
YOU NEED A PRESIDENTIAL LOOK.
>> Stephen: HMMM, WHAT DOES TRUMP MEAN BY "PRESIDENTIAL
LOOK"?
I MEAN, IS IT SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, THIS AREA?
HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
I'M UNCOMFORTABLE DOING THIS.
I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IT IS FOR YOU TO
WATCH ME DO THIS.
HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
I THINK TRUMP IS POINTING OUT THAT YOU CAN'T SPELL
"PRESIDENTIAL" WITHOUT "PENIS."
OR IF YOU WANT TO USE ALL THE LETTERS "IDLE RAT PENIS," WHICH
MIGHT BE ANOTHER SIGN.
( APPLAUSE ) IT MIGHT BE ANOTHER SIGN FROM
GOD THAT HE THINKS TRUMP IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT.
BUT TRUMP'S REMARKS GOT ME THINKING.
MAYBE HILLARY WOULD SEEM MORE PRESIDENTIAL IF SHE JUST
BORROOWED HER LOOK FROM SOME OF OUR PAST PRESIDENTS.
WHAT IF SHE HAD GEORGE WASHINGTON'S HAIR?
ABE LINCOLN'S BEARD.
F.D.R.'S GLASSES AND CIGARETTE HOLDER.
AND WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT'S MORBID OBESITY.