So, what is a helicopter parent? We'll define that first and then get into some
steps for how to avoid being a helicopter parent. The term helicopter
parent originally came to my attention through Foster Cline and Jim Fay. You may
be familiar with those names. They are the founders and originators of the
parenting with love and logic approach. There's a couple of books that they put
out under that title. Some amazing resources by the way. I highly recommend
Klein and Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic. And this term helicopter parent. So,
what does this mean. If you picture a helicopter and the blades are spinning
and it's just hovering right there. And so, if you're a child right here and you
have a helicopter parent right here, that parent is hovering and watching over and
it just kind of always right there. As opposed to maybe a distant parent or a
detached parent who is, who knows where? Not here. So, those might be the two
extremes, we've got the the detached or the distant parenting style versus the
helicopter parent that's constantly hovering and trying to take care of
everything right here close to the child. What if there's a third alternative to
be a conscious, loving, positive parent. We could add all kinds of fun words to this.
I like the word conscious and present because those words imply that you are
nearby and close enough to respond when necessary. But not so close that you're
interfering with every little decision that that child makes. How do we
accomplish that and avoid being the helicopter parent? Here's the first thing.
Remember your job. This is something that I've reiterated so many times right here
on our channel in the positive parenting playlist and on our parenting
powerup audio course. If you're connected to that. You'll hear this from me again
and again and again. Your job is love them no matter what. And even if to
love them no matter what and even if. Look, as parents, we get distracted
sometimes. We start to think that our job is something else. Like for example, okay,
my job is to make sure that my child does his homework, does well in school,
right? Okay, that's when we get sucked into a lot as a parent. If I think my job
is to make sure that he does his homework, can you see that I'm likely to
become this helicopter over this child who's doing homework? I'm going to hover
there, I'm going to stand over him and make sure that he does this. Now, make
sure that they can apply to almost anything. I used homework as an example.
Make sure that they treat each other kindly. The kids, make sure that they are
respectful, make sure that they don't use drugs, make sure that they don't get
involved in a relationship too early, whatever, okay? That's when I'm more
likely to hover over this child and become a helicopter parent. So,
understanding your job is to love them no matter what
and even if. Helps you to back off from the hovering a little bit. And stop being
that helicopter parent. Here's another perspective that might help a bit. When
we hover, when we are helicoptering over our children, probably we're feeling
nervous about what they are either doing or experiencing right now. And then we
get distracted about our job and we think our job is to protect them from
whatever experience they they're about to have. As a general rule, most of the
experiences that our children will encounter are experiences that they can
handle. And that they need in order to learn or grow or develop or stretch in
certain ways. The homework theme for example. Here's my child and here's me as
this helicopter parent trying to make sure that my child does his
work, right? What if I'm not there? Do you see what fear starts to come up? Well, my
kids probably not going tO get his homework done? Okay. How is that a good opportunity
for my child? You think about what's going to happen if he doesn't get his
homework done, he doesn't turn it in and whatever it is, right? He's going to have
to come to terms with that at some point. The teacher, the next day, for example
might be asking my child, "Hey, where's your homework?" Now, if I'm the helicopter
parent making sure that he gets it done, then we're going to have some conflict at
home over that. But it's going to get done and he doesn't get to have any
opportunity or any experience tomorrow with the teacher. Now, that may not be the
best example. But think about other ways that this might apply. What if my child
doesn't get his room cleaned or what if she doesn't treat her friends nicely? Do
you see all of these things that we start to worry about as parents are
actually learning opportunities for our children? But because we're doing our job,
remember what's our job? To love them no matter what and even if. If we're doing
our job well, we're going to worry about them having consequences out there in
the real world. Do you see that? Connect with that for a moment. Because
emotionally, you get tied in to your kids consequences and helicoptering over them
is often an attempt to rescue our kids from their own consequences. Most of
which, they need to have a wonderful learning opportunity. And then we can
come in as a supportive benevolent loving parent with empathy and
compassion and love. We put our arms around them and say, "Oh sweetie, that's a
hard consequence isn't it?" Not in an i-told-you-so sort of a way. But we get
to be the empathic loving supportive parent after they've had their
consequence. Let them have their consequences. They need them for their
growth and development. Let's not rob them of that opportunity
that special, wonderful, precious learning opportunity that
really comes at a lower cost when they're young. Think about that for a
moment. The consequences that our kids are facing, relatively speaking, are much
less expensive than if they had a similar consequence later on in life.
Okay? Quick example: If I go into a store with my 5-year-old, okay? Little kid.
And we both are feeling the munchies. And we see the candy bar there on the shelf
and we take the Fivefinger discount, if you know what that is. Grab the candy bar,
head out of the store without paying. Okay? I do it, my 5-year-old does it.
Officer friendly is right outside the front door.
He stops us he says, "Hey, saw you see take the Fivefinger discount there on the
candy bars." What happens to me? What happens to my 5-year-old? Do you see
how the cost is very, very different for an older person. We want our children to
learn what they need to learn now. Because tomorrow is more expensive,
yesterday's not an option, now is good. Don't rob them of that opportunity to
have a learning experience at the lowest cost possible. Now, here's a little brain
hack for you. I capture this in 3 messages. If you'll focus on these 3
messages, it will help you to back off of the helicoptering and become a conscious
present parent. We're not talking detached, we're not talking helicoptering.
We're talking conscious and present. Here's the 3 messages. Message number
1 is your job. I love you no matter what and even if. Send that message
regularly and powerfully to your children. Message number 2, if you have
any questions, ask. This is your way of acknowledging that as a parent, you've
been around for a while. You've had some experiences. You can probably help them
out with this. But you're not going to cram it down their throat, okay? You're going to
back off from the helicoptering and you're going to say, "Look, if you have
any questions, ask." Message number 3, "Good luck!" That's the hardest one by the
way. Because that's where you actually back off of the helicoptering.
And you're there, you're present, you're conscious. Remember message is 1 and
2. But you're not going to interfere. And you're affirming to your child at
this point that they are smart enough and bright enough and wonderful enough
to learn from their experiences and to handle their life in a way that's going
to make them ultimately more happy. I hope that you've found this helpful. If
you've enjoyed these parenting videos, you're going to love the Parenting
Power-Up course. You can connect to it right over there.