WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE AND OUT THERE TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND AS I SPEAK -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: AS I SPEAK, THE SENATE
IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS RACING DEMOCRACY TO SEE WHICH ONE CAN
END FASTER.
COME ON, BIG D!
I'LL GIVE THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT
IMPEACH."
>> OY YOY YOY YOY YOY.
>> STEPHEN: TODAY, SENATORS WRAPPED UP THE Q&A.
TOMORROW, THEY MOVE ON TO THE F&U.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS A SHORT MOMENT OF
LEVITY WHEN A MANAGER ADAM SCHIFF
POINTED OUT THE CATCH-22 OF THE PRESIDENT REFUSING TO ANSWER ALL
SUBPOENAS.
>> THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, IN RESISTING HOUSE SUBPOENAS, IS IN
COURT TODAY.
THEY'RE IN HERE, ARGUING, "CONGRESS MUST GO TO COURT TO
FORCE SUBPOENAS."
BUT THEY'RE IN THE COURT, SAYING "CONGRESS SHALL NOT DO THAT."
SO THE JUDGE SAYS, "IF THE CONGRESS CANNOT ENFORCE THE
SUBPOENAS IN COURT, THEN WHAT REMEDY IS THERE?"
AND THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT LAWYERS' RESPONSE IS
"IMPEACHMENT."
IMPEACHMENT.
(LAUGHTER) YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP!
>> STEPHEN: (AS SCHIFF) "YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP--
BECAUSE GEORGE ORWELL ALREADY DID.
ANYWAY, THAT'S MY TIME.
2 + 2 = 5!
I LOVE BIG BROTHER!
DO IT TO JULIA!" DO IT TO JULIA!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIT ME FOR A RAT CAGE!
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS
ENDED BY ASKING THE COUNTRY TO PUT IMPEACHMENT BEHIND US, WITH
A STIRRING AND FRIGHTENING CALL TO ACTION:
>> LET'S TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT NOW.
JOIN US.
JOIN US, ONE NATION.
ONE NATION, ONE PEOPLE.
>> STEPHEN: NOTHING UNSETTLING ABOUT THAT.
(AS HERSCHMANN) "JOIN US.
JOIN US.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
KNEEL BEFORE TRUMP AND BE ABSORBED BY HIS MAGA, FOR
THERE IS JOY AND PEACE NESTLED WITHIN HIS SWEATY FOLDS!"
( LAUGHTER ) JOIN US!
JOIN THE HIVE MIND!
>> Jon: I DON'T WANT TO JOIN THEM.
>> Stephen: THIS CULMINATES A STRANGE COUPLE
OF DAYS FOR TRUMP'S LAWYERS.
YESTERDAY, ALAN DERSHOWITZ MADE THIS INTERESTING ARGUMENT:
"TRUMP CAN'T BE IMPEACHED BECAUSE HE BELIEVED HIS
REELECTION IS IN THE NATIONAL INTEREST."
WELL, FOR PETE'S SAKE, EVERY PRESIDENT THINKS
THEIR REELECTION IS IN THE NATIONAL INTEREST.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, EISENHOWER IN '56.
( LAUGHTER ) DIDN'T KNOW THAT, DID YOU?
( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS RATIONALE ALARMS YOU,
YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY.
TODAY, SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID THIS:
>> THE PRESIDENT SEEMS TO BE EMULATING A FRENCH KING WHO SAID
(SPEAKS FRENCH) "L'ETAT C'EST MOI".
"THE STATE, IT'S ME."
>> STEPHEN: SHE'S REFERRING TO LOUIS THE 14TH, WHO FAMOUSLY
SAID, "L'ETAT C'EST MOI."
ADDING, "VOULEZ-VOUS COUCHEZ AVEC MOI, CE SOIR?
CREOLE LADY MARMALADE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
GICHI GICHI -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS IN FRENCH:
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, TRUMP HAS A LOT IN COMMON WITH LOUIS
THE 14TH.
SAME DECORATING STYLE.
SAME LAX ATTITUDE TOWARDS EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS.
THEY BOTH POOP IN A DRAWER.
PLUS, LOUIS WAS THE SUN KING, AND TRUMP IS THE
STARE-DIRECTLY-AT-THE-SUN KING.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS TRUMP'S
MOTTO: "LET ME EAT CAKE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE DERSH-BAG MAY NOT EVEN
BE TRUMP'S WORST LAWYER.
HE'S GOT STIFF COMPETITION FROM FORMER FLORIDA ATTORNEY GENERAL
PAM BONDI, SEEN HERE INDICATING HER I.Q.
HERE SHE IS JUST RIPPING HUNTER BIDEN:
>> THE NORWAY TRIP WAS JUNE OF 2015.
HE REMAINED ON THE BOARD...
UNTIL...
APRIL...
OF...
2019.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: PAM...
PAM...
PAM BONDI...
IS...
A...
DUMB...
ASS...
( LAUGHTER ) --SOCIATE OF THE PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )