-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I love that energy. Thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nice to see you.
Guys, today is Earth Day.
Happy Earth Day! [ Cheers and applause ]
Everyone's in the spirit. This morning at 7-Eleven,
I saw a rat drinking a Big Gulp with a metal straw.
-Aww. -Yes -- So, yes.
A lot of stores celebrated Earth Day.
H&M added a section for sustainable items.
Lowe's offered a free Garden-to-Go kit,
and Subway recycled last week's tuna.
-Oh. -So, yeah, I thought that was --
I'm kidding around, but protecting the Earth is serious.
I mean, can you believe that in 1999,
we had nearly 50 Rainforest Cafes,
and now we're down to almost 20?
[ Laughter ]
Think about it.
That's right. Today was all about the planet,
and at the White House,
President Biden hosted 40 world leaders
for a virtual climate change summit.
The tone of the summit was that we're all responsible.
But you know Costa Rica was looking at the U.S. and China
like, "Yeah.
This is all our fault, right? Yeah, we're --
We're all to blame. Yeah.
Huh. Yeah."
[ Laughter ]
Now, of course, with any virtual event,
you're going to have some technical glitches, right?
But I didn't think it'd be quite this bad.
Take a look at what happened.
-[ Echoing ] Good morning to all our colleagues --
all our colleagues around the world,
the world leaders taking part in the summit, I thank you.
-It's now my honor to call on
His Excellency, The Secretary General of the United Nations,
António Guterres.
[ No audio ]
[ Laughter ]
I now call upon the Prime Minister
of the Republic of India, His Excellency Narendra Modi.
-President Biden...
[ Phone dialing ]
...my fellow citizens.
[ Phone dialing ]
-The floor is now to
the President of the Russian Federation, Mr. Vladimir Putin.
Mr. President.
[ Laughter ]
-What?
[ Applause ]
Looking.
Somehow we just flew a helicopter on Mars,
but we still can't get a Zoom meeting to work.
Next time, every leader will be required
to have at least one grandchild present.
[ Laughter ]
It is funny that we were watching Putin,
and he didn't know he was on-camera,
'cause usually, it's the other way around.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
Even --
-That was a good one. That was good.
-At one point, Britain's Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, spoke,
and he used a pretty interesting phrase to get his point across.
Listen to this.
-This is not all about
some expensive, politically correct green act
of -- of -- of bunny-hugging
or however you want to put it.
There's nothing wrong with bunny-hugging,
but you -- you know what I'm driving at.
-No.
We have no idea what you're driving at.
[ Laughter ]
At first, people were like, "Oh,
is bunny-hugging a British version of tree-hugging?"
British people were like, "No, he's just weird.
I've never heard that term."
That's right, leaders from all over the world
met to discuss climate change over Zoom,
and some even released joint statements with President Biden.
Check these out.
After French President Emanuel Macron said,
"If we want to decrease our carbon footprint, we must..."
Biden jumped in and said,
"Take a page out of my old friend's book.
His name was Shoeless Gus.
He used to walk across a gravel parking lot
just to prove a point.
He ran off with a flapper girl from Cheyenne.
Now they sell tire swings for a living."
[ Applause ]
I -- -Wow.
-I don't really see how that's relevant,
but let's check out another joint statement.
After German Chancellor Angela Merkel said,
"We can conserve the amount of available water we have by..."
Biden said, "Roundin' up all the neighborhood boys
and washin' ourselves off in the creek
behind Old Man MacGafferty's tool shed.
Just as good as a real shower, and you get to eat
as many tadpole eggs as you can fit in your mouth."
-Wait, what?
-What?
Like, why do they keep letting him talk?
-Really? -Yeah.
Let's check out one more. -Alright, let's see it.
-After British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said,
"Fighting climate change
will create millions of jobs, such as..."
Biden said, "Root beer barbers and professional whistlers.
I used to know a pair of twins who could whistle like a teapot.
Their parents named 'em both Ralph to make things easy.
One of 'em got struck by lightning,
and after that, anytime he walked past a jukebox,
it just started playing."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Wow. -Ralph and Ralph?
I don't know.
-They sound like joint statements.
-I don't know, man.
More news from Washington. After the White House presented
its $2.3 trillion infrastructure plan,
Republicans have responded with their own version
that's only worth $568 billion.
Yeah, Republicans want all these repairs done on the cheap,
which is why they're calling the bill "Operation Flex Seal."
[ Laughter ]
Biden has so much on his plate -- infrastructure,
construction, police reform, military spending --
right now, his to-do list looks like the Village People.
[ Laughter ]
This is pretty incredible.
I saw that Amazon is testing out a new way to pay at Whole Foods.
Take a look at this.
-Paying for groceries with a swipe of your hand.
That could be coming soon to Whole Foods stores near you.
It allows shoppers to pay for items
by placing their palm over the scanning device.
-Here's how it works. You hover your hand over the reader,
then the cashier tells you to stay still,
then move it slightly, then move it slightly again,
and then you get frustrated and pay with your credit card.
-Wow. Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Whatever. I think it's fun.
I always wanted to buy plums like I'm a Jedi.
-Beep!
[ Laughter ]
-That's pretty good, right?
-Beep. Yeah, that's a pretty good Jedi.
-Like, it's the move back that's --
-The move back is what sells it. Yeah.
That's just a guy.
-Yeah. -That's a Jedi.
-Thank you.
-Especially with the flourish.
-Are they making another "Star Wars" film?
-I bet they -- Oh. You could --
-I added a little mustard on that last one.
You want me to do it one more time?
-Do it one more time. -Mr. Lucas?
Okay.
Step to the left. Yeah. More?
-More? -More?
-How far? -Okay, perfect.
This is good? -Do I have a car?
-Okay.
Thank you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
An Academy Award?
Oh, it's not -- My name's not on it.
Well, this is interesting.
Scientists are developing technology
that lets them add product placement in classic films.
Yeah.
We actually got our hands on the first few clips they produced.
Now, watch closely, because the ads are incredibly subtle.
Roll it.
-It's December 1941 in Casablanca.
What time is it in New York?
-What?
My watch stopped.
-Bet they're asleep in New York.
[ Apes screeching, growling ]
-Say again, please?
-Houston, we have a -- -Tide Pod.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Oh, this isn't good. McCormick said
that they've had a difficult time keeping up with demand
for Old Bay Seasoning during the pandemic.
Can't really imagine why, which brings us to a new segment
we like to call "Tariq's Teachable Moment."
-"Tariq's Teachable Moment."
[ Applause ]
-Thanks, Jimmy. I think I can shine a light on this.
You see, when Black people cook,
we enjoy this thing that you might have heard of.
It's called flavor.
[ Laughter ]
Flavor is what happens to a meal
when you add more to it than just salt or pepper.
-I don't know. That sounds spicy.
-It can be.
In Black homes, spice racks are like guard dogs --
robust, loud, integral parts of the family unit.
Meanwhile, your spice rack is more like a lap dog --
small, decorative, but ultimately useless.
So, when the pandemic hit and restaurants closed,
Black people treated Old Bay like it was toilet paper
and bought enough to fill a bunker.
-Okay, well, how much seasoning should I use?
-A great start would be more than zero.
[ Laughter ]
Just do what I do. Ignore the recipe
and sprinkle it on a little longer than you usually would.
Like this.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, this seems like a lot.
-It is. That's the point, Jimmy.
And look, if you don't understand yet, that's okay.
Just give it a minute to marinate.
[ Ding! ]
[ Applause ]
-"Tariq's Teachable Moment."
-Tariq Trotter, everybody. Tariq Trotter.
I learned a lot. Thank you, Tariq.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, a woman in North Carolina was shopping at Target
when she found a surprise on the shelf. Watch this.
-Aah. -This is not something
you typically find on the shelves in Target --
a black rat snake
slithering through the cans of Bush's Baked Beans.
-Ooh. -Manager came on the PA system
and was like, "Oh, hell no, in Aisle 5. Oh, hell no."
Joining us in-studio, one of our absolute favorites.
-A delight. -The guy is a gem.
He stars in the Showtime series "City on a Hill."
Kevin Bacon is here! -Yeah! Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-The best.
Plus, she's a four-time Olympic gold medal gymnast,
Simone Biles is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we got great music from Ritt Momney, everybody!
Ritt Momney. -Ritt. Ritt.
-Ritt Momney. That's right.
And later, we're going to have all-new "Tonight Show" Hashtags,
as well. Yeah. -Ooh.
-And we're going to do something fun with Kevin Bacon.
-Oh!
-Something musical perhaps.
-Perhaps!
More Jedi --
-A sketch per--
I retired from the Jedi business.
-Are you serious? What happened? -It was too hard on my arm.
Everywhere I went, everyone was like, "Do the Jedi thing."
-Oh. -Leave me alone.
I'm just a normal person. -Oh, it was like a curse.
-Yeah, I was cursed by my own Jedi techniques.
And I couldn't go shopping. I couldn't go anywhere.
It was a nightmare. Can you imagine my life?
-No, I can't imagine, 'cause, I mean --
-"Do the Jedi thing! Do it! Do it now! Do it now!"
-You're with your family.
-Yeah, my kids are around. -And you told me the one time,
you were about to have emergency surgery,
and the doctor made you do it before you had the surgery.
-Yeah, I'm basically on the death bed, whatever it is, yeah.
-Death bed, sure. [ Laughter ]
-Got tubes all over the place. -Yeah.
-My life turned into a complete --
No one remembered that I hosted "The Tonight Show" or anything.
-They just remembered you from the --
Well, it was so good, I can't blame them.
-Well, they cut it out of the Blu-ray.
[ Laughter ]
-Are you serious? -Yeah.
-The whole Jedi thing is gone from the Blu-ray?
-Well, when you get the Blu--
-What about the Laser-- Is it on the LaserDisc?
-No, they took it out of the LaserDisc, as well.
-Oh, my God. -And the Blu-ray.
And I was like, "Get me George Lucas on Line 2.
Oh -- Get me George Lucas on Line 2."
Then I picked up the phone, pressed Line 2.
-Right.
-Hello?
-Uh, hello, Jimmy?
-Is this George Lucas?
-Uh, no. This is, uh, Gary, his assistant.
George is busy.
-The assistant's assistant?
-Yeah, I'm the fifth assistant.
-Fifth -- George Lucas has five assistants?
-No, he has 12 assistants. -Sorry, I --
-Some of them are sick with COVID.
-I apolog-- I understand.
I don't work there, so... -Pandemic going on.
-I apologize.
Could you let George know I'm a little upset.
-About?
-I was in the new "Star Wars" film.
-Okay. -And I was the --
[ Laughter ]
That's not why I was upset. -Oh, okay.
Sorry. A lot of people are complaining about it.
-No, I would never complain about being --
But it's just, I did a Jedi -- I played a Jedi, did a Jedi move.
-Oh, yeah.
-The hand move? -Loved it.
-You remember it? -Who doesn't?
-[ Scoffs ] Apparently, George didn't like it.
He cut it out of the -- -No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
-Please, I don't like your tone. -He loved it so much.
-Oh.
-It made the rest of the movie look like garbage.
He had no choice but to take it out.
The genius of that moment
made the rest of the film look like...
-Garbage. -...a dog vomited
on its own poop. -Oh.
-That's a bad image. -Gary, I thank you so much.
I apologize that I put you in a bad mood,
but you changed my day, and thank you so much
for taking me -- -One more thing, just, if I may?
-Sure. -I know I'm over the phone,
but...could you do it for me?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God.
-You take care, buddy. -Thank you so much.
-Be well. Be well.
♪♪
Nice guy.
Really nice guy.
And thanks to George Lucas.