Why do nice guys get rejected?
Well, first let's ask a few questions.
One, do you find it difficult
to disagree with people
especially women?
Two, do you find yourself
avoiding conflict even when
you really want to speak up?
And three, do you have trouble
asking for what you want
because you're worried that
it will inconvenience
or displease someone especially women?
If you answered yes
to any of these questions
you might be a "nice guy."
For the purpose of this video,
what I really mean is too nice.
So, if you're new to my channel,
my name is Anna Jorgensen
welcome to just the tip Tuesday.
So, when I refer to being nice
or being too nice,
what I really mean is
not comparing being nice
to being decent or kind.
Being decent and kind is a good thing.
Being too nice
sometimes is not a good thing.
And the reason is because
what we mean or what I mean by
too nice is being too nice
because you have a hidden agenda.
There's a hidden selfish motivation
that goes along with
whatever thing you're saying
or doing for somebody else.
It's not actually nice it's selfish.
So, if you've ever been called too nice
or a people pleaser,
this video is definitely for you.
And if you are absolutely certain
if you have been called
too nice or a people pleaser
or you have been friend zoned
one too many times,
then you might want to
check out better help.
I've been looking for a counseling service
or a resource that I could recommend
and this is the one I found
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because it's affordable,
it offers virtual counseling
through either video
or text messaging or email,
whatever form is best suited to you.
And they're professionals
and again, they're affordable,
much more affordable than what I could offer.
Also, they have weekly live sessions
on different topics like anxiety,
where you can listen in.
And then there's a community forum where
you can share ideas,
support each other,
and find other people who are
in the same boat as you.
You are not alone.
A lot of men are finding that
especially because of feminism.
They've been driven to have to be nice
because of fear of what the consequences are.
So, it isn't your fault
but it is something that you can change
and that you should change
if it's not serving your life well.
And trust me when we get into
why nice guys get rejected,
you'll understand that
being too nice isn't actually
really not that nice after all.
And you'll get why
women do reject nice guys.
And if you sign up through my link
for better help then you'll get
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and just note that
if you do sign up with them
that I may get paid a commission.
So, it's a win-win,
no extra cost to you
and they offer financial aid
if you're in a bit of a
pinch right now financially,
which a lot of guys are understandably.
So, let's get into
why nice guys get rejected.
It doesn't really make sense because
it's like nice guys are reliable,
they show up, they can always be counted on.
But like I said earlier,
it's because they have a hidden agenda.
And that hidden agenda might be simply
not wanting to be disliked
or they need validation
or often if you're on my channel,
it might be because you're actually
trying to win her favor
to make her your girlfriend,
but you're not actually expressing that.
So, you're acting like a friend,
you're probably in the friend zone.
You're doing things like a boyfriend
expecting boyfriend favors in return,
but she's just thinking that
you're just a decent guy who is a friend.
Because that's what friends do,
friends help each other.
And I’m going to give you a litmus test
later in the video
so that you can determine
whether you're a genuinely nice guy
or if you actually have a hidden agenda
that's selfishly motivated.
And we're all a little selfishly
motivated sometimes but
this is if your general practice
is to get something especially,
if you feel a lot of frustration,
anger, resentment towards people in general
or especially towards women.
Especially towards the women
that you're doing favors for.
So again, key point,
the difference between a true nice guy
and a too nice guy
is the intention behind the action.
So, the hint, if you are a too nice guy
is if you feel angry and resentful
for things that you do
for other people especially women.
And you have this unspoken
uncommunicated expectation
of something in return
might be because you think that
she should be like you.
A lot of times we think other people should be like us
and have the same value system.
But if you don't express that
she might not know that.
She might just think you're a nice guy
Also, there are women who are takers
so if you're too nice
you're going to end up with either takers
or dominating women.
But the reason she doesn't want
to make you her boyfriend
or she doesn't respect you,
respect precedes attraction,
is because she can feel your in-authenticity.
And in-authenticity is a sign of
insecurity that you're not
comfortable with who you really are.
Not comfortable in making your own decisions
or having a difference of opinion,
afraid of displeasing.
And that comes across as
really insecure and of course,
lack of self-confidence
is a major turn-off.
So, that's one of the reasons why
women tend to reject nice guys,
too nice guys.
And oftentimes, when you have this
hidden expectation of something in return,
maybe perfection or attention or whatever,
then because you actually
haven't asked for that explicitly
then you can sometimes
end up acting out
in passive-aggressive ways.
Like, you might be sarcastic in a mean way
when she hasn't
given you what you think you want.
Like, maybe she said thank you sincerely
or maybe she's you know,
bought you a coffee or you know,
made you some cookies
or something like that.
But the thing you really want
is for her to be your girlfriend
and she's like, oh, no
I just don't feel that way about you.
But you're like inside you're thinking
but that's why I’m doing all these things,
I’m trying to make you my girlfriend.
But you're not saying that to her
so there's this covert contract
that you've got in your mind toward her
but she has no idea
what that contract is.
Now, if you were doing something
with the intention of making her your girlfriend
and you were not being too nice about it
but being more direct about it,
being alpha then you would say
I’m doing all these nice things for you
because you're going to
be my girlfriend one day.
So, that's a whole different story.
Now she knows why you're being nice
and you've had the confidence to just say it.
And maybe she's still not ready for that,
but she will respect you more than if
she feels that underlying manipulation.
So, there's a lot of different reasons why
a guy who's too nice will do things
and it's not just for women but
because you know, you're here to
hopefully get a girlfriend or because that's your interest.
That's what we're focusing on
in this video.
But again, this is probably
showing up in many different areas of your life
where you might be afraid to
ask for a promotion
or you're doing all these extra things
for the boss or for the company
and expecting that they're just going to notice.
But you haven't actually you know,
asked them or gone to them and say hey,
you know, I’m doing all these things
I think I deserve a raise
or I think I deserve a promotion.
So, again, if you have a lot of underlying
frustration, resentment, or anger
then you're probably not asking
for what you need explicitly.
And you know it's not your fault.
Like, you probably had
either some...
A difficult childhood
with maybe a dominating parent,
whether it's your mother or your father.
Or maybe you had bad experiences
in relationships or got rejected a lot.
Wherever it comes from it's not your fault
but it is your responsibility to change it
if it's not serving your life.
And I tell you that
if you're feeling angry,
resentful, or bitter
toward the world
or especially women then
you know it is something that is interfering
with your life in a negative way.
And again,
definitely check out better help.
I'll put a link below
and I'll put a link at the end of the video
So, you can get help working through that
so you can have a better life.
And get higher quality women
because I'll tell you
high value women
are not attracted to beta weak qualities,
which is what being too nice
comes across as.
So, you need to start speaking up for yourself
and asking for what you want.
Another example of
what a nice guy might
not speak up about is
maybe wanting something...
A certain type of physical act
in their relationship
or in their... With who they're dating
and not asking for it
but expecting her to
somehow discover it or read your mind.
Or not asking for it because you just
don't feel like you deserve it at all.
But she can't be a mind reader.
Again, high value women
are not going to put up with
having to be a mind reader
or dealing with passive aggressive punishment
for very long.
So, another thing might be
or another example might be
instead of saying let's go to this restaurant.
Whether you're dating or wanting to date
or actually in a relationship,
instead of saying
let's go to this restaurant,
wear this dress if you're on a date,
a nice guy would say
where do you want to go?
Or where would you prefer?
You know, that's not leadership qualities
that's not decisiveness.
Or here's another example.
If you agree with her
and then she changes her mind,
which she might be testing
or she might just be like,
no, actually I thought about it and
I think actually, I think this is what I think.
And then you change your mind along with her.
So, you know you're not showing that
you have any of your own
thoughts and ideas and opinions.
So, it's really unattractive
and when you keep doing that
you might find that
women will test you more.
Because they're testing you to see
if you will actually stand up to her.
Dr Robert Glover says
in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy,
"if you can't stand up to a woman
you can't stand up for a woman."
And she instinctively knows that
and it's a turn off.
Because if she can't respect you
then she can't get for you.
Just the way it is.
I said in many other videos that
women's primary need is to feel safe
and it's not just physically safe,
but it's also emotionally safe.
And when she can't trust you
to be real with her then subconsciously
she's wondering what she's signing up for.
Like, is he going to fib to save himself
from any kind of conflict in this relationship?
Or if he's done something wrong
is he going to hide it from me?
So, you know, this is the dialogue
that goes on in her subconscious
or conscious mind
if you are too nice and
never show her that
you have a backbone.
And again, you're doing it
because you have an ulterior motive
and want something in return,
which again I mentioned
she can feel that.
So, the litmus test
for you to ask yourself
if you are a true altruistic nice guy
or a nice guy with a hidden agenda,
is to ask yourself
if you would do the same thing
say the same thing to her
if you knew 100%
she was a carpet munching lesbian?
So, if you can't make her your girlfriend
because there's just no way
she's going back for your team,
would you still do that thing for her?
In other words, is she really a friend?
Is she really someone that
you are doing kind things for
just out of the kindness of your heart
because that's the kind of person you are
or is there something you want from her?
And don't be trying
to be sneaky about this one.
If you say no,
I don't want her as my girlfriend.
Okay, but what about if you're trying
to be nice to her so that she will
put in a good recommendation for
her straight girlfriend
that you're interested in?
Okay, that still counts.
So, it's got to be that
there's nothing coming back for you
in the romance department.
If you can answer that honestly
and you still want to do the nice thing
then you are a genuinely nice guy.
And if you want to do the nice thing
only because you might get something back
that you really want like making her
or her friends your girlfriend
or friend your girlfriend,
then that's something you need
to work on because it's probably
definitely holding you back in life.
And again, please, please
check out better help because
these are probably
being too nice is holding you back
in other areas of your life.
I guarantee it.
So, like I said before,
it's not your fault
we're all wounded and
the good news is
when you become aware of it
you can change.
So, you didn't choose it
but you can change it.
Big love to you
even though you might
not think you deserve it.
(Music)