- I take his pants off and it like,
"Where is it? Where is it?"
That's why Uncle Roger like rice so much,
because they the same size.
They the same size.
You've been in London a while now,
and last week,
- I have.
- you went to, you finally went to Mei Mei.
- I finally went to Mei Mei, yay!
- With Auntie Liz, yay.
- Okay. I had a kopi and it was really nice.
And at the bottom of it...
- Kopi is like Singaporean coffee.
- Singaporean coffee with condensed milk.
But then I drank it and it was sweet.
But then at the bottom of it,
all this condensed milk was there,
condensed milk on anything makes it better.
Like, condensed milk on ice cream,
condensed milk on Nutella,
condensed milk just from the tin.
- That is Evelyn's MSG.
- It's my MSG.
- Condensed milk.
- Should I do Auntie Helen for condensed milk?
- Condensed milk make everything better.
- Just sprinkle on his penis.
It didn't help Uncle Roger...
- Uncle Roger penis too bitter.
(laughter)
Too small component, too small...
- Like bitter gherkin.
(laughter)
You know bitter gherkin, your mama make you eat.
She say it good for your health.
She lying. She lying.
(laughter)
Auntie Helen spit up Uncle Roger bitter Gherkin.
- Too small and too bitter.
Terrible, terrible.
You pour it all the candy, but catch the sauce,
just fall all over the bedsheet.
- That way we never have children.
- Too small, can't even find. Can't even find.
I take his pants off and it's like,
"Where is it? Where is it? Turn on the light.
Give me magnifying glass."
- You can't even come to entrance.
- Where your penis? Where your penis?
You know how when children are too short and small,
the automatic doors don't even open for them.
- Yeah. Is that Uncle Roger's penis?
- Uncle Roger penis so small,
my vagina automatic door don't even open.
It can't detect him.
It can't detect, it stay closed, it stay closed.
- Why are you roasting yourself, sort of?
- It's funny. It's funny.
- Oh my God.
No children, no children.
- Don't want to have children.
Just in case the children get his small dick from him.
Haiya, nobody want that.
I want my children to be happy.
- That's why I with white man now.
- That why Uncle Roger like rice so much,
because they the same size, they the same size.
- He's eating his dick.
(laughter)
Also very sticky, very sticky.
He not good clean.
It's too small. He can't clean properly.
- His dick so small,
you use colander, it just drops straight through it.
It drops straight through it.
That why he say don't use colander.
(laughter)
Because his dick could go missing, if use colander.
You can do an Auntie Helen reveal,
and then you kind of come out on camera.
- I think I'm feeling more comfortable now as Auntie...
I could be Auntie Helen.
- Finally, finally.
The role is written for you, you know?
- I know, Nigel.
What would be her outfit?
- I don't know, you think about that.
- I have one.
- Just, what does your mom wear? Just wear that.
- What does my mom...
- What?
- No, but it needs to be auntie hair, you know,
permed, big hair, and then like,
a sequency sparkling kind of thing.
Or like, you know, if it's a Hong Kong auntie,
it's like they wear like, Disney, you know?
Even though they're like 53, it's like Disney.
Oh my God.
- Those they get it for free,
the free t-shirts from random places.
That's why it has like Mickey Mouse on it.
- Oh, but no, she's going to be a fancy auntie.
So she's going to have like her hair up, earrings,
and then like, eyeliner, lipstick, like really painted face,
and then like a fancy, like sequency kind of dress thing.
- And then you can just roast Uncle Roger.
- Haiya!
- Dick so small, giving him blowjob like sucking Tic-Tac.
Haiya.
(laughter)
How you blow Tic-Tac?
- Like sucking Tic-Tac.
(laughs)
- Like Tic-Tac, but it don't even make your mouth fresher.
Haiya.
- Oh my God.
- Well, the small dick jokes are there.
- It only hitting my teeth.
- My clit bigger than his dick.
And he still say he can't find my clit.
And then I say, "Then how you find your dick everyday?
How? How?"
- This is very Asian auntie and uncle,
if they talked about sex.
- Comparing it to different food items.
- Oh my God.
- His ball bigger than his dick.
Look, when you see his ball and dick together,
look like grain of rice on two dumpling.
That, that what his ball and dick look like together.
I was like, "Oh, am I giving oral sex?
Am I having dim sum? What is this?
What is this rice on dumpling?"
- Okay. Oh my God.
- Okay, okay.
- That was so funny.