Oh hey everybody. This week on Ask Cristen I’m diving into a topic I probably should
have talked about ‘bi’ now. [Comedy rimshot]. Huh?
This week’s question is coming from Caitlin who sent me an email wanting to know,‘I
am a bisexual woman I have been in a relationship with a straight cis male for the past 3.5
years. I love him dearly, but I don't think he has ever been 100% comfortable with my
sexuality, especially since my best platonic friend in the whole world is a lesbian. Every
once in a while he brings it up and comments on how it makes him uncomfortable, our most
recent fight being about how my best friend and I are studying abroad over the summer
together and will most likely be sharing a bed for cost purposes. I am so sick of having
this argument and I don't know what to do, and I was wondering if you could talk about
it and maybe see if other people have ever had a similar issue.’ Even though the ‘B’
in LGBTQIA is the largest group in that alphabet soup, historically and contemporarily we have
mistrusted bisexuality, questioning whether it really exists and saying things like oh,
you must be gay straight or lying. All of that contributes to bisexual erasure in our
society and when we do see depictions of bisexuals in pop culture, too often they simply promote
bi-phobic assumptions and stereotypes. According to a recent media analysis conducted by GLAAD,
28% of the recurring LGBT characters on TV are bisexual which is an all time high! [Cheerful
music, cheering crowd]. However, you want to know what’s still just hanging out at
it’s all time high? The trope of the evil hyper sexual bisexual. [Sad trombones]. Aside
from a handful of characters like the Good Wife’s Kalinda Sharma and Grey’s Anatomy’s
Callie Torres on the small and big screen more often than not bisexual characters are
depicted as untrustworthy, manipulative, self-destructive and willing to sleep with just about anybody.
For a vintage example of biphobia gone wild on film, consider Sharon Stone in ‘Basic
Instinct’. Or take ‘Orange is the New Black’, I show that I personally enjoy and
has been hailed by the media for it’s diversity but which also fails in the bisexuality department
considering how Piper Chapman is absolutely untrustworthy, hyper-sexual, self-destructive
and also bisexual even though she’s only derisively referred to as a former straight
girl or a former lesbian. For a book-TV crossover example, I find it really interesting how
Emily in ‘Pretty Little Liars’ the book is very clearly bisexual however ‘Pretty
Little Liars’ the television show explicitly stated that they were not going explore Emily’s
bisexuality. And off-screen who can forget that charming Vogue writer who described Cara
Delevingne’s bisexuality as just a phase? These are just a few of the examples of how
we perpetuate this stereotype of bisexual women and men as indecisive, hyper-sexual
and devious. All of which sound like key components to concocting this kind of ridiculous assumption
that your long-term monogamous girlfriend is absolutely definitely going to run off
and have sex with her platonic bestie because according to this recipe in your head, since
she’s sexually attracted to both men and women and therefore sexually attracted to
all men and women and her sexual orientation is so overwhelming it strips her of her personal
agency so she has no choice but to have sex with whoever is laying next to her in bed.
And Caitlyn listen, my advice to you is to talk to him about this. It sounds like he
needs to lay down some stereotypes that he has absorbed about how bisexual women must
act. That’s really disrespectful to you Caitlyn. I think the thing that actually upsets
me the most is how incredibly marginalizing it is to you as an autonomous person. I am
really curious as Caityn asked to know if any viewers have experienced similar kinds
of relationship issues and how you’ve dealt with them. Let me know in the comments below.
And also if you’re on the flipside of this equation. If you’re the straight person
in the relationship and you’ve gotten nervous about your partner’s sexuality, these are
valid and important conversations that we should be having. And as always dear friends,
whether you are straight, LGBTQIA, whatever letter describes you best, ask me some questions
so I can give you some answers.