I am at the very beginning of my story and and I’m already getting lost.
My therapist always tells me I have to learn how to name what I feel.
Things will be easier then. It’s just… Not that simple when you experience
everything at once.
Borderline is emotion unchained, unfiltered, unrestrained, untreated.
I’m trapped on a giant rollercoaster that won’t let me off the ride.
And the worst part is - I didn’t even buy the ticket.
It’s like I have a piano in my head. I know it could play the most wonderful melodies
but instead, everyday someone else comes in and starts dragging their finger from the
highest key to the lowest and back again, smashing them into a nonsensical mess that
I cannot stop. Some days I wish to hear beautiful melodies, but most days,
I just wish for the noise to stop.
It would appear that our reputation precedes us and… I understand that there’s a good
reason for it. But please hear me out before you make any judgements.
Emotions are like rain, they often catch you off guard.
Sometimes I’m not sure if I’d rather feel it all at once or live in a vacuum.
I know I certainly can’t have anything that’s in between.
My mood fluctuates several times within an hour and even the tiniest things can change
the way I feel. I would be happy one moment, then suicidal
the next, then angry, then have a full blown panic attack, then I’d calm down and be alright.
Sometimes I wake up filled with infinite amounts
of positivity, just to start feeling worthless within an hour.
It’s all absurd. It’s laughing and dancing an hour after
an attempted suicide. It’s buying things and throwing them away.
It’s taking everything personally while not giving a fuck at the same time.
Maybe if I was just up and down and up and down… I’d be fine.
But the intensity of the emotions paired with how fast the mood swings come is just too much.
Sadness feels like suicide, anger feels like
murder, loving is losing control, losing someone is dying,
happiness is unbearable euphoria and feeling normal is like nothing.
It hate to admit it, but sometimes I become a walking, breathing minefield for anyone
who tries to interact with me.
It's a paradox.
I feel like I’m too much and not enough at the same time.
My dad left when I was 8. If he could do that, then anyone can.
Many of us had narcissistic or absent parents. If we were abused by the people who were meant
to take care of us, how can we ever trust again?
I want to learn how to love without fear but instead, I kill relationships before they really start.
I’ve manipulated people and I’ve filled them with guilt, just to make them stay.
My life is full of contradictions. I’m scared that the people I’ve opened up to
I trusted and loved, will leave all of a sudden, without any explanation.
I want them to understand and help me while at the same time, I think I deserve to be alone.
I want you to stay, but I’ll tell you you should leave. I am too damaged and fucked up
for you to waste your time on me. I’ll look for signs of oncoming abandonment
in your tiniest gestures, so that I can leave before you do.
I’ll close the door for you, but gently open the window, because I’m hoping you’ll
try and squeak through it, just to prove you care.
It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. I’m so terrified of being abandoned that
I self-sabotage in two ways:
I either do horrible things to prove my theory of unworthiness and force people into walking away,
or I become so clingy that people finally
tire of me and leave.
My brain tricks me into believing that you’re going to eventually walk out on me,
so sometimes I become increasingly confused as to why you won’t.
And so… I get tired of waiting for you to leave me and I leave you instead.
I’d rather cause pain and hurt than be the one that got hurt.
Love’s a game designed for me to lose.
When we first meet, I tend to fantasize, create an idea of who this person can be, and in
that moment, I know there’s no turning back. Sometimes I get attached immediately, within
seconds of seeing someone, even without talking.
Intense feelings consume me and I just want to give this person the world. I become needy
and I’ll want to make them feel good no matter what.
My emotions change depending on how they feel or how often I see them.
When they are not there, I experience withdrawal symptoms.
They are my living, breathing drug.
I’m like a puppy that doesn’t want its owner to leave.
Sometimes I’ll test people by hurting them on purpose. I need this for two reasons:
1. Seeing them hurt was a confirmation that they loved me, that I could make them feel something.
2. Eventually they get tired, we fight, and
that confirms that they hated me and wanted to leave me.
If my favourite person won’t answer my text soon enough, I’ll start to feel like they’re
ghosting me, that they are no longer interested, or that
I’m not worthy.
I knock them off the pedestal they didn’t even know they’d been elevated to.
And so the splitting begins.
When we experience splitting, everything and everyone is
ONLY black or white. ONLY good or bad.
ONLY crooked or perfect. It’s ALWAYS or NEVER.
It doesn’t matter if the person has always been nice, kind and patient with me.
The smallest transgression or even the slightest decrease in affection can have me believing
that I’m in danger of pain and the person will abuse me, abandon me, stop loving me.
I can discard a 4 year relationship in an instant and go from loving to hating you in
a matter of seconds. It’s a defense mechanism that protects me
from being hurt. The worst part is that once I realize I’m
inflicting pain upon another person, it’s already too late.
I’m ashamed of what I’ve done, I apologize over and over again, but sometimes it’s
just not enough. Too many broken promises.
And so… I end up losing the one that I’ve cared about the most.
My self-image, goals, and even my likes and dislikes change frequently in ways that leave
me puzzled. Emptiness and confusion lie at the core of
my BPD. I feel like I have to keep on running and
living life chaotically to avoid the existential dread setting in, because when it does, it’s
too dark, hopeless and painful. I overeat, overspend, have s*x, drink
and take drugs just to silence what’s inside me.
In some ways, life just feels too empty, boring and pointless without drama, lies and manipulation.
Due to a lack of sense of self, we adopt others views, outlooks and beliefs to give ourselves
an identity - the fear of abandonment is so great partly because
when we love this person that we have copied, we don’t know who to be or how to be without them.
Sometimes, I will compulsively lie and take
on aspects of the other person’s personality just to be liked. I'll do everything for them.
Trust me, I’m not proud of it, but it’s difficult to stop this kind of behaviour when it works.
There’s still a lot of turmoil, it’s just not as visible, because I direct my anger inwards.
When I mention anything at all, people seem
surprised because I’m so delicate and composed on the outside.
When I’m at my worst, I think I’m irreversibly broken. I start to beat myself up.
Mentally and physically. I hit myself, pull my hair, scratch my skin.
I think horribly violent things about myself. I desperately need validation but when I get it,
I choose to ignore it. Why? Because I’m convinced that it’s impossible for someone
to actually, truly love my broken soul. Sometimes I hate myself so much that I think
I’m beyond help.
And so again… I leave before you leave. I hurt myself before you can hurt me.
That’s how I stay in control of the pain.
When I’m having an episode, I’m experiencing such intense and overbearing emotions that
they feel too big for me to deal with them. It feels like you’re taking in all the suffering
present in the world and the whole universe is weighing down on your soul.
Sometimes I don’t realize I’m being extreme. It feels completely justified and proportionate
to the emotions I’m experiencing. I don’t notice my mistakes straight away.
Other times, I can see I’m upset about something minor but I still can’t stop from letting
the emotions take over. My body is being controlled by someone else.
Afterwards, the shame is the hardest part to process. I know I’ve hurt someone
and I absolutely hate that.
There are a few things I’d like you to remember when I’m going through an episode:
I am doing what I can to manage myself, but this is not the time for rational discussion.
I need a cooldown period before I can speak about what happened.
I need to be acknowledged and not dismissed. I want someone to listen, because my feelings
are valid. You can help me arrive at the conclusion that
I’m being extreme. Just tell me you’re on my side. That you’re not my enemy.
People assume we’re monsters and tend to forget that we suffer throughout all of this,
just like the ones that we hurt. I see the fear in your eyes.
I get it. How can you not be afraid of me if I am afraid of myself?
I know it can be difficult to be around me
and I understand that you might want to leave, but I need you to remember that I didn’t chose this.
No one in their right minds would put themselves and others through such turmoil on purpose.
If it was up to me, I’d make it stop.