♪♪
Hey, I called the supermarket chain Aldi's "Awldee's",
and I got the best trick of how to say it.
Someone said, "Just say Al Bundy and drop the bun."
Never going to forget it. Thank you.
Not the same with Nehvawda or Nehvadda.
Look, there's no way to know.
[ Soft laughter ]
We're never going to know.
I get corrected a lot on that.
The way I like to do it when I know it's in the script
is not think about it at all ahead of time.
And then about 50% of the time I'm nailing it.
We had a picture of Joe Biden on a motorcycle with Jill,
and we said it was a Harley.
And one of you said, "I can't be sure,
but that looks like a Honda Rebel 250 CMX."
I think you can be sure.
[ Laughter ]
You're coming -- You're -- Don't sell yourself short.
You're coming at that from a place of certainty.
Ooh. Um, I showed the Maryland flag last week.
And I-I joked down on it a little bit.
I said I tried to make plans with it,
but it was too busy.
Well, the joke was on me because I was visited in the office
by Maryland State Police
because I guess there's a law on the books there
that it is illegal to burn a flag.
[ Laughter ]
We, uh, we joked that Donald Trump would roll
into, um -- If he fell down the stairs on an airplane,
he would roll down the stairs and into a lake.
And would have to be fished out with a pool skimmer.
Many of you said that a pool skimmer
would not be strong enough
to fish out the former president.
You had a lot of other...
to be honest, frankly, cruel things
that would need to be used.
And the only one I'll -- I'll repeat is a winch.
[ Laughter ]
Um...
Our writer Seth Reiss and his cowriter
for the film "The Menu" were on the show this week.
Will Tracy is his cowriter.
So we had Seth and Will on the show,
and everyone here at the office agreed
that Will was great.
[ Laughter ]
And, you guys, when I put together Corrections,
I don't just read the comments on "Closer Look."
I also read the comments on the interviews.
So, you know, I'm going through,
and I loaded that one up,
and, uh, there was a small problem
when I went to look because, um...
Here's a riddle for you.
"What does a Reiss interview on YouTube
have in common with a cheap New York City apartment?
No views."
[ Laughter ]
I tried to reload it.
I was -- There was an error message
that said it was not interesting enough.
Here's a picture of Reiss during the interview.
And, um, to his credit, I said, "What are you doing?"
And he said he was gonna plug his own ear
while he was talking.
We were talking about, you know,
Trump walked out to a "Le Mis" song
at his announcement that he was running.
And we said it would be funny if he was walking out to "Cats,"
you know, "Mr. Mistoffelees," and, you know,
the joke was he does look sweaty like he's been in a cat suit.
And then, correctly, you all said,
"Oh, but in 'Cats,' they don't wear..."
'Cause I took it off like a mascot head.
And they said, "You know, in the musical 'Cats,'
they're wearing, you know, prosthetics and makeup.
So nobody's wearing a prosthetic head.
I knew that, as well. I just thought -- I think --
And I would like -- invite you all to think this, too.
that the idea of Donald Trump in a mascot cat head
is, like, almost more fun than thinking about him in prison.
Like, I'd be fine because I do think it would be complicated
for a former president to go to jail.
But if he got sentenced to have to wear, like, a cat costume
and hand out fliers for pet food at a -- at a mall --
It can be a local mall, you know, local Palm Beach malls.
I looked. There's a lot.
Come home after a long day.
[ Laughs ] Like, just Donald Trump.
You wouldn't know it was him. Well, you'd know it was him
because you'd hear, like, a echoey, like,
[As Trump] "Friskies.
Fancy Feast. Two-for-one Fancy Feast."
Pixar is interested in doing a movie
about John and Jim and the gopher.
[ Laughter ]
I guess -- Well, you know early days, you know,
but the idea would be two former NYPD police officers
who get reassigned to the forest after their last assignment --
[ Laughter ]
Their last assignment was doing security for the mayor,
but they got lost.
They had the mayor, and they got lost.
And this is something I pitched. It's based on a true story.
Um... [ Laughter ]
So, we were in -- We did our show
in Washington, DC, back in 2016.
And the hotel was two blocks from the theater.
And one day we walk out, and John's leading the way.
Not the first day, either, it should be noted.
So we'd done a couple of shows at the Warner Theatre.
And then we're out on the street and we're walking around.
And we were walking for a while. And I knew there was a problem.
Bear with me for one second. I knew there was a problem.
You can keep the camera there.
Because all of a sudden I was like,
"Wait. That's not the flag for Washington, DC."
[ Laughter ]
You know what's cool about it, though?
John got us lost.
And Jim has never brought it up since.
[ Laughter ]
So, the Frankenstein -- We talked about this.
And we were talking about Frankenstein versus Frankenstein's monster.
But someone said, "It's actually not Frankenstein's monster."
You say Frankenstein's creature or Frankenstein's creation.
But at some point, guys, look, he turned into a monster,
and I think it's okay to call him a monster, right?
I mean, chucked a girl into a pond.
You're a monster at that point. I don't know what
your name was originally, but you're allowed to --
When certain things happen, you don't have to use
the original name, right?
Like, we've all allowed ourselves to stop saying
"Hall-of-fame running back O.J. Simpson."
[ Laughter ]
Also, we were, you know -- We were discussing.
It seems like the villagers in "Frankenstein" get a raw deal.
You know, the whole idea, of like, torches and pitchforks now
have been sort of an unruly, unreasonable group of people.
But I will say the villagers in "Frankenstein,"
I think they had every right to be angry
about this creation that was walking around their town.
They had every right to go grab their torches
and their pitchforks. You know, they're obviously --
It was an agrarian society of farmers
who didn't want, you know, a big monster walking around
chucking kids into a pond.
And, you know, I mean, it's just their bad luck
that they live near some lunatic
who puts a laboratory in a watchtower.
And I'm sure when he came in, he's like,
"Oh, it'll be good for jobs."
You know [bleep] huge tax break.
He was like, "Oh, it's gonna bring so much to your town."
And then he had, like, one job, and he gives it to Igor.
So, this is crazy.
Obviously, I don't need to tell fans of "Corrections."
We've talked a lot about Mac Tonight
and the fact that he was originally played
by the fantastic actor Doug Jones.
Doug Jones himself posted this photo of himself,
young Doug Jones, as Mac Tonight.
And I lost my mind because that face and that hair
looks almost exactly like my brother when he was ten.
[ Laughter ]
This whole time, Mac Tonight was in the house.
This is interesting.
Because I said it was a crescent moon,
and then I said it could be either a waxing
or a waning moon.
So, waxing means it's getting less.
It's gone full, and now it's getting less.
Waning means it's getting more.
So this -- If it was like this,
this is a waning moon.
Of course, the problem with the moon
is it can't turn its head.
So that would be, then, a waxing moon, right?
Is that right? That's different. Yeah.
So that's a --
Like it's -- "Karate Kid."
"Wax on, wane off"? Right?
[ Laughter ]
How many years has he been your Halloween costume?
[ Laughter ]
So...
So, waxing, just...
Waxing means it's going away,
and waning means it's coming back
like the McRib or like mainstream anti-Semitism.
Which is -- You know what?
But it's a conversation starter.
That's why it's okay.
Just because, like, let's have a conversation.
And I think if anything sparks a conversation,
it's unimpeachable.
You know, I do -- I feel a little sensitive about it,
you know, because I have a Jewish wife
and we're raising our kids to be Jewish
and, you know, her entire family is Jewish.
And I got to be honest, I've spent so much time with them
and I love them very much, and the only thing
they've never needed was a conversation starter.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, we paid it off last week with --
The tank top. I wore the --
the Mike Scollins tank top,
and some of you thought I looked scrawny.
Some of you thought I looked ripped.
Nehvadda, Nehvawda.
Here's a photo of it. You can decide.
[ Laughter ]
Here's another riddle for you, Shoemaker.
How is this photo like me on my anniversary night?
It's untouched!
[ Laughter ]
People had a lot of comments about it.
Someone said, "Seeing Seth's arms feels somehow,
like seeing your teacher out at the grocery store."
I obviously haven't gone to school for a long time,
but I guess teachers are super [bleep] jacked now.
[ Laughter ]
I said I did -- I joked that I did 50 pushups.
And someone said, "There's no way you can do 50 pushups."
Well, not all at once. Like, I'm not Lou Ferrigno.
You break it up over the course of the day.
Some people were mad
that we spoiled it with the thumbnail pic.
You know, because, you know --
You could tell it, you know --
If you saw the YouTube thumbnail click,
you knew that I would eventually be in a tank top.
But in those "Avengers" movies,
like, Thor's hammer is in the poster.
[ Laughter ]
Also, I didn't want to do it, but remember Jay and Ross
were like, "We need the clicks, baby."
Those two. "Clicks this, clicks that."
Well...we've had a lovely time.
Um, let's see.
Let's see if I forgot anything.
[ Laughter ]
See me next week!